A look back at 2005

As I sit and remember 2005 I can’t believe how far I have come. I don’t know whether it was a good year or a bad year. I think I have had worse years though. This year I have had up and downs. Good days and bad days. But overall I can say that this has been a great year.

The biggest thing for me this year was moving out of my parent’s house. I have realized that I am my own person and I have my own opinions. Don’t get me wrong the things that my parents have taught me are good foundations but now I just have to build the rest. I don’t know about many of you but when you first move out of your parent’s house it’s a little weird. For me I came out of a house full of nine people and shared a bedroom with two sisters. The house was never quiet. And I moved into a house having a room all to myself and there not being that much noise. WHAT A DIFFERENCE. That transition for me was very difficult. Not that I liked the noise but for 18 years of my life I had lived with noise. And over night it changed like that.

Another thing that happened this year for me was the time I have spent with God. I have always written in a journal but it would be very random. But this year I really wanted to dig into God and spend quality time with him. It was very hard at first to do. I had to make it very intentional (which I never really liked because I think that spending time with God should just be natural.) But after a while it became normal. And something cool for me, I filled up a journal. I have never done that. It seems like each year I would just start a new journal and fill a couple pages and start over on a different one the next year.

I started a new job in July. I don’t know if that was a good thing or not. I started working full time (intentionally) for the first time. That was and still is a very hard adjustment. Having responsibilities are always very hard. But I think that I have done very well. Its been hard because over half my team have left or are getting ready to leave and just the change is something that I thought I could deal with but as each person has left its just gotten harder.

And last but not least. I decided to go to college. WOW! I am still shocked. I start in 3 days and I am excited and nervous. I had a tuff week trying to figure out school financially. I thought I was going to have to drop my classes, but some how God came through. And he has just shown me some amazing things.

I guess I can call this year of change. And I survived? WOW! I do not like change but I guess that is one thing that has changed this year! Here's to another year of change!

Happy New Years!

Believe

This morning I woke up an hour and a half before my alarm was supposed to go off. Isn’t that the worst? Nope! The worst part is when you can’t go back to bed. I was hot so I turned on the fan. I was cold so I covered up. I tossed and turned, tossed and turned, tossed and turned. It was a never ending cycle. I wanted to get up and get ready, but what if in two seconds I would go to sleep? So I stayed in bed miserable…because all I wanted to do was sleep for another hour.

I used to wake up all the time around 6. Almost two hours before I was supposed to get up and I would always pray. So after a half an hour of turning I started praying asking God if there was anything that he wanted me to know. I started praying simple prayers when I heard the word “believe”. “Believe in what” I asked? "Believe in Me and You."

Okay at that moment I was a little confused…I will admit it. I understood the believe in You part. I don’t believe in myself. I never think that I am good enough. I never think that I can do anything.

But what about the believing in Me part? I didn’t get it. I sat there very confused… very very confused! What do you mean I don’t believe in You? I sat there shocked. Does God think that I don't believe in him? As I sat there I felt like he was telling me that I don’t believe what he is capable of. WHAT? I know what he was capable of. I know that he can do anything. I knew that he was capable of doing anything but I didn’t believe that he was capable of doing anything for me.

But let me tell you this day has proved me wrong. There have been a lot of little things that he has shown me to remind me that he does things everyday for me. They might be big they might be small, but they are things just for me.

I pray that all of you will believe in Him and yourself. Believe that you can do great things. Believe that no matter what you do you are still loved by Him. And most importantly believe in Him.

Wearing the mask

Do you ever feel like locking yourself in your room and everything you get your hands on ripping it apart or throwing it against the wall? And crying till there are no more tears? And to do all that for absolutely no good reason?

Nothing has happened in the past couple days that would even make want me to do that. In fact these past couple of days have been great! But I do think when I don’t have anything to do I start putting my self down. I start realizing everything I could do better. I start replaying everything that I’ve done wrong. Why I don’t deserve to be happy? Why I deserve to be happy? I start thinking about the future and what the hell I’m going to do. I think of how bad of a person I am.

How can we always remember the bad things in our lives and forget the happy things? Or is that just me?

This is really bad and not a good habit. But I have learned to cover up myself when I am not good physically or emotionally. I know how to make you think that I am having a great day. I know how to put on a smile when deep down all I want to do is scream in your face. I guess you could say I know how to wear the mask.

I just don’t want people to ask me a million questions, but at the same time I expect everyone to know that I am having a shitty day; just don’t ask questions. Sometimes my head is so messed up. There are very few people that know that about me…my parents don’t even understand that about me.

Sometimes I can’t explain why I feel the way I do.

Thank You Santa

So I wanted to post on Christmas but I was so shocked I had no idea what to say. I had the best Christmas EVER!!! I knew that this Christmas was going to be good, but I didn’t expect it to be this good. This year Santa visited me and gave me over twenty gifts.

Here is everything I got from Santa:
-a make-up bag with a pink “breast cancer awareness” bracelet, Chap Stick and pink nail polish.
-new Sharpies!!! (Now for anyone who doesn’t know me…I am in love with Sharpies, I don’t ever use them, but I love to have them…I have over 50 of them…They make me happy. J)
-a luffa that changes colors along with body wash and three pink nail polishes.
-a cool new shirt (and it’s pink)
-a pink sweater with a scarf and a hat
-a real SLINKY!! (not a plastic one)
-phase ten (only one person in my house had ever heard of it! Do you know what Phase Ten is?)
-a vintage CD of Dane Cook (me loves me some Dane Cook ;) and somehow South Park got on it…?)
-a red tin filled with blow pops
-a cool pink belt
-glow in the dark stars
-a pink princess phone
-graeter's gift cards (the best ice cream in the world)
-a letter from Santa (very personal)
(if I forgot anything and I know that I have…I am sorry)

I don’t know who or why someone would do this for me, but whoever is Santa, THANK YOU!!! I don’t know if I can explain how much all of that meant to me. And for all of you that took part in it, I am sorry that you didn’t get to see my face when I saw all those gifts.

Here's a picture!

Our Leaders

I have always heard this but I had never seen it until recently. We as people expect our leaders to live up to some weird and crazy expectation. We expect them to never speed, or smoke or drink or curse or be human. We think since they are “leaders” that they should be perfect. (and as you read that you might think, “no I know that they aren’t perfect” but YOU DO EXPECT THEM TO BE PERFECT!)

I have worked in a church for three years and all my close friends are in a leadership position at a church and I see it continually with them. Everyone expects so much from them. They expect them to know so much and do so much. But guess what? They have feelings and struggles just like any one of us. And sometimes I think that they have it harder.

I don’t know about you but I think that our leaders are doing a hell of a job! I know that I don’t know what its like to be in a high position of leadership but I do know that it can suck the life right out of you. It’s a very demanding job. Half the leaders I know still work full time job outside of churches. And I don’t know about you, but after working a full day the last thing I want to do is go home and work on more work that I don’t even get paid for. But that’s the best part. They don’t care about money as much as they care about doing what God has called them to do.

So next time you see a leader thank them for what they do. Don’t be too quick to judge them because they said shit or you saw them smoking, because at judgment day they will be judged just like you.

To all the leaders I know who have stepped out in faith to do what God has called them to do! You are doing an awesome job. Please continue to do what God has called you to do!

Scrooge?

I know this is going to sound bad… but I don’t really like Christmas. I love celebrating Jesus’ birth but how did we get to celebrating Christmas with Santa Clause and gifts and lights?

I grew up not believing in Santa Clause. I don’t think my parents ever told us there wasn’t but they never told us there was one either. We always knew why we celebrated Christmas because of Jesus’ Birth. It’s never been a tradition but every year I remember my dad reading the story of Jesus’ birth before we would open gifts.

I mean who really thinks about Jesus’ birth while they are out shopping? Or while they are putting up the Christmas tree? Or decorating the house? I just think we miss the meaning of Christmas so much. What if we didn’t give gifts one year? What if we went out on Christmas day downtown and handed out hot chocolate or breakfast or something to all those people who are alone at Christmas?

I love my family and I love spending time with that but that is one time I hate spending with them. This year will be different, but normally our Christmas would consist of waking up at 6:00am (some ungodly hour) taking an hour or two to open gifts and then mom making lunch, everyone eating lunch, and then everyone going there separate ways.

Growing up and being home schooled I spent everyday at home with my family. I didn’t and don’t want to spend more time with my family on holidays. I am guessing it might be different for you. Holiday’s were special days because you did stay at home and spent it with your family. Holidays were bad for me because I stayed home and had to spend it with my family. (I know that might sound bad like I don’t love my family…but I really do you just have to understand that for 8 years I spent everyday at home with my family)

Okay back to the point. We decorate the house, put up a Christmas tree, put up lights, and buy gifts for what? Just to take them down in three weeks? Just to spend a whole lot of money to buy gifts for family and friends? I mean we all do this and come the 26th of December the lights come down, the trees get put back in boxes or thrown out side, sometimes gifts get forgotten. Its like Christmas never happened.

Maybe I am just being a Scrooge?

The high

Coming down off of a high…

I have never done drugs but for me being really stressed out and having two minutes to get something done is very exciting. That feeling of “holy shit I have two minutes.”

Last night we had our preview event for D’Vine. I put together all the tech stuff and I loved it. When I used to work in Student Ministries it was a regular thing. I was always in charge of making sure everything was running and everyone knew what was happening and when. It has been six months since I have had that feeling and let me tell you it was AMAZING! ( ;) )

I know this is a very weird feeling so I am going to try and explain it. I always know that everything is working. I have checked my work 600 times. I know the video plays. I know the music works. I know the PPT works. I know it all. But for some reason there is always that fear. What if it doesn’t work when I need it to? What if right before something gets unplugged and I don’t know what happened? (That has happened before)

But for some odd reason I think that fear is what drives me in those moments. I have done this over 200 times and things have gone wrong maybe 5 times. In the end everything works out. And most of the time nobody knows that something went wrong but YOU (me)!

It’s so different for me though. I mean have you ever been in a service and the don’t change the PPT right away and your looking around like come on? Or the video plays but no sound? Maybe because I know all of that stuff when I see it I think, “Oh man that sucks.” When something doesn’t play right or go the way that you had expected you freak out and the whole service was bad. Even if one thing went wrong and nobody knew it… it was a bad service for you because you have failed at your job. (I am saying you a lot but I really mean me.)

But that high right before you are supposed to do something is the best in the world. Your heart feels like it is beat 1000 times a minute. I imagine a lot of you have felt this before in different situations. Maybe right before you are supposed to speak or maybe right before you are supposed to go lead worship? I think we all have that high just in different situations.

I guess I just wish I could experience that high a lot more.

My to do list

I've had some serious posts lately. So I thought I would have a little fun with this one...

So here is my To Do list! :)

1. Dane Cook- if you have never heard of him check him out! But I did warn you (that was your warning! HAHA!)














2. Wentworth Miller

3. Patrick Dempsey


















4. Chad Michael Murray

Question time

How far do you think God will go to get our attention?

Will he physically hurt us to make us see things? Will he kill someone close to us for us to see him? Will he take everything from us?

How far will God go to bring back his children?

Looking forward?

Someone asked me the other day have I been getting my praise on. This hasn’t been the easiest week to do it. I have tried but I don’t think that I have done a very good job. I have been on an emotional roller coaster.

I’m nervous and scared. I’m happy and sad. I’m busy and bored. I’m tired. I’m not. I’m mad and hurt. I laugh. I cry. I have fun. I want to go to heaven. I’m hungry but can’t eat. And in all of that I can’t seem to find a middle. The worst part I have myself to blame for it all. I could have prevented all those feelings, but sometimes I am just not that smart.

Have you ever hated someone so much but love them at the same time? Have you wanted to protect them so much that in the process you hurt yourself? Have you ever felt like you cared about someone way too much? Have you ever felt like driving somewhere far far away and screaming for hours? Have you ever felt like you could just cry for hours if you let yourself? Have you ever been mad at God?

I know that we all have felt at least one of those before, but have you ever felt all those in one day? Yeah can you imagine just wanting to pull your hair out?
I am trying to hold on. I’m trying to look toward the end. But come on…who looks toward the end when they are going through difficult times. How do you even do that when you don’t know what it looks like?

Thank God for Panera

I Wrote this on my way to Illinois two days ago...but considering no one has wireless I couldn't get it off till today! Thank God for Panera!!!!

On my way to Illinois…
I am actually letting my sister drive at this moment (big shocker for me….I always drive) but I became very tired for the third time and I thought it would be best for both of us if she drives. I am not too sure of that at this moment.

I am very excited about this trip. This is the second year my sister (younger) and me have gone to my grandparents. It’s a nice little get away for her and me. Sister bonding time and we get to see our family in the process.

But this trip has been highly anticipated by me. It has been a long three days at work and a long couple days of life. I feel like I kind of just skipped over the past three days or they’ve all blended into one. I’ve had so much to do that I hope I didn’t forget something important.

Please don’t misunderstand me when I say this. I love my house and my job and my life. But sometimes you just need a break from all of them. You need to get away and not think about any of them. You need to be free of the every day responsibilities. You need to be a little kid again.

I have no idea what we are doing tomorrow or the next five days but I do know that I don’t have to wake up at 7:39am or be at work or come home and watch the boys or do my laundry or clean my room. And I do know that I will be getting my praise on. (Which by the way is very difficult. Yesterday was a tuff day and its really hard to get your praise on when your are having a stressful night. How’s it going for you?)

I am not a very fun traveler. I get very antsy and annoying after a couple hours. I love to fly but riding or driving in a car is not very fun for me. Most people can sleep in cars and two hours go by like that. Not me. I couldn’t fall asleep for the life of me. (But yes I felt like I was going to fall asleep…that’s because I got bored…or the fact that I got 5 hours of sleep last night and was on my feet all day. Who knows?) Where was I? I like to be awake to see what’s going on around me, to see where I am going or to see the funny names of streets.

I have these good friends who live in Texas that I have visited a couple of times. They used to live in Cincinnati until almost two years ago when they moved to Houston. Anywise I would go on vacations with them and any time we would go someplace we ended up in the car for hours. And I mean hours. One time when we went to Colorado (Denver) we were just supposed to go someplace not to far away an hour at the most. Yeah right! We ended up being in the car the whole day. And then the next day we got up and drove to Grand Junction, which is on the other side of the state. And the past couple of time I have gone to Houston we have ended up driving around Houston for at least four hours. I am just one of those people who either need to be driving or watching a movie in the car.

I used to lay in the car on trips as a little girl praying, “if I fall asleep God will you please let us be there when I wake up.” Unfortunately it never happened. I never really fell asleep. I was always aware of where we were. I don’t know if I would call that a bad thing or a good thing.

I can’t believe that it is almost Thanksgiving. Three hours away. I almost forgot about Thanksgiving. Really I did. I got so caught up with a set at work that Thanksgiving never crossed my mind. Kind of sad actually. But tomorrow I will get to eat grandma’s (or Mimi…that’s what we call my grandma) cookin! Mhhmm.

Hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Get your praise on

You know what the best thing in the world is… Having friends that will tell you the truth no matter what. There has been a lot on my mind lately about life, God, and this world. Sometimes I just wish I had a USB port in my head and I could stick a memory stick in it and download everything.


I heard a lot of great things from my friends but two stuck out really good.







1) GET YOUR PRAISE ON!!!
Praising God with everything that you have. Praising him for the money we make. Praising him for the grades we get. Praising him for our things that we normally just don’t even think he sees, to praise God every moment of everyday. Who cares if you look like a zombie or everyone thinks that you’re weird. Instead of worrying everyday let’s get our PRAISE ON! I mean can you imagine how much fun life would be everyday.

2) I am dead to this world.
I have a problem separating God and the world. We see everything from this world and we are supposed to believe in a God that we have to believe in and trust. I guess I just don’t trust God enough with my life. But I have to think that I am dead to this world and live life with God everyday. Just like it’s him and me.

Now I know that those things are very easy to say and I could easily sit here and write all that and not do any of it. But that would not be very good. I want my action to match my words. ;)

So I think it takes twenty-one days to get into the routine of things. So for the next twenty-one days I will be doing those two things everyday, getting my praise on and being dead to this world. So I am asking my friends to help me with this. And if you want to join me feel free. But I know for twenty-one days and there after I will be getting my praise on.

Worries

Worry doesn’t prevent disaster it prevents JOY.

I’m 19 and I worry all the time. I worry about my car, how am I going to pay for all my bills, how am I going to pay for school, and what am I going to do about work and school. I may not show it on the outside but on the inside I feel like I am going to explode.

Recently I have been reminded by family and friends and co-workers that I am only 19 and I should enjoy being young. But the problem is I don’t know what it is like to be 19. I don’t know what 19 year olds do. When I think of 19 year olds I think of kids who don’t care about anything or anybody and who have no responsibilities.

Within the past couple days my car has been acting up. Yesterday I went to go get lunch and I rolled down my window and about a fourth of the way down it stopped. I tried pushing it up (like I normally do because sometimes it would just stick) but that didn’t work. I tried for about fifteen minutes before I stopped because I was so mad that I was afraid I would break it. I eventually got it up with help from a friend.

This morning on my way into work, I was driving enjoying my music (me loves my music) when my CD changed songs and I heard a clinking noise. I thought that it was the car next to me at first but has I passed them and I realized it was my car. I immediately started freaking out. I got to the church and looked under my car and saw that something (I didn’t know what at that time) was dragging. I started crying and then I called my dad.
Luckily (Thank You God) it was only a guard.

But those little things happen and we freak out. I do at least. I start thinking how am I going to pay for this. I have too many things going on this week and next. How am I going to get to work each day? How am I going to get to things beside work? There are all those things and more that go through my head. AND I AM 19. I should be thinking about all those things.

I love my dad so much and he reminded me today, after he told me that I am 19 and that I worry too much, that all those things can be fixed or adjusted. We can take care of all those things. And that those things are small compared to what I will face someday (not that that was encouraging but it was, to know that it was something little).

Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
Matthew 6:33

I’m 19 and I don’t want to spend half my life worry about my money, my cars, or my life. I want to enjoy life and laugh at life. I want JOY!

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:33

Wrap it up

Sunday night I got to do the best thing in the world. Wrap gifts! Each year our church wraps gifts for free at our local mall. Once a year right before Thanksgiving the mall has a night called, Magical Night of Giving. Great discounts at all the stores.

I had never been to one of those before but thought it would be fun. So I signed up to wrap gifts, which meant I got to shop half the time and wrap gifts the other time. I took my sister went with me. I was so excited. I was going to get to shop!

We got to the mall and there were tons of people there. I was shocked I didn’t expect that many people. When we walked in we were handed, I guess you could call it a program. Betsy opened hers up and she won a door prize. We went and clamed her prize (I was mad that she won and not me, I mean I did invite her. But then the gift ended up being a candle so I wasn’t too mad…I don’t like candles). We then proceeded to shop. Now I love to shop anyone that knows me can tell you that, but there is something about big crowds and lines at the mall that just doesn’t motivate me.

We walked from store to store looking at stuff, but then we would see the lines and we were out the door. I was kind of bummed. I wanted to go home with at least something and time was running out before we had to go wrap gifts. Someone we knew in the mall told us that Starbucks were giving away free 8oz cups of their holiday drinks and a $5 dollar gift card. Even if you don’t like Starbucks you should never turn away a gift card. So Betsy got a drink and I got a gift card!

It was then time to WRAP! Now we all know that wrapping is not fun (unless you are one of those few who love it) but wrapping gifts for other people is a blast! Now when I started wrapping gifts a couple years ago I was pretty bad, but after wrapping so many times people have showed me easy was to do them. Previous years I would love it when people said, Thank you! Or this made my holiday better, but not this time. The best part about wrapping was the conversations I had with other people. Now every thing I said I probably repeated 10-20 times but they didn’t know that I had the same conversation with the person before them.

I know that we were with the Vineyard, but I got to tell this lady about the church on the Westside! She was in her mid 50’s and she was asking who was doing this.
I told her, “The Vineyard.”
She said, “There’s a vineyard that opened up by me.”
“Where do you live?”
“On the Westside.”
“Yes”, I said, “They meet in the Danberry Theater on Sunday mornings. You should check it out sometime.”

I then went on to ask her where she goes to church. She explained to me that she and her husband go to St. Vincent and they have just recently got a new minister. They have been talking about checking out other churches. It awesome how you can reach out to people by just wrapping gifts! As she left she said I think we might check it out!

I actually left and was amazed at how much I had opened up to people. I am a pretty shy person and outreaches aren’t normally my thing because I have to “alive” to people. I left and I felt ALIVE! I felt like I was on a high! I wish I could do that every night!

Guilty

Is guilt bad? With out going into any details, I have struggled a lot with guilt this week. Not that I have ever not felt guilty before but this time was different. This time I knew it was wrong and I knew that I contributed a lot to what happened. Are we supposed to feel guilty? Is it supposed to be some kind of punishment?

I guess the thing that I really struggle with is how could God possibly love me? How do we just say, “God I fucked up I’m sorry please forgive me?”, when we don’t feel like we deserve it? I mean yes I can say that and I do. But I don’t want it to be something I say and don’t mean. I don’t want it to become a “saying.” Why do I deserve God’s forgiveness?

Part of me thinks I should feel guilty, I mean I did do something wrong? But the other part of me says No I shouldn’t feel this way. I shouldn’t dwell on it. I just don’t know how I should feel.

I am okay until I think about it and then that’s when I feel all the guilt come back. It would be really easy for me to run away from it right now, and believe me that is exactly what I want to do. But I know I would just be running away from a lot more than just “it.”

It’s different being older and making mistakes. It’s not like when you’re younger. I guess the difference is when I made mistakes as a child my parents would punish me and then hug me afterwards or tell me they love me. Believe me when I say this, I know that God loved me after I messed up, but why? I mean if I was God I don’t know if I could forgive me? (I guess that’s why I am not God)

I don’t know about you but it’s very difficult for me to accept God’s grace.

Why can't I just be me?

So I know it’s a little late after Halloween, but I have been thinking about this a lot this past week. Let me give you a little background of my Halloweens.

My parents never really let us celebrate Halloween. I remember being in school and leaving early on Halloween because my parents didn’t want us to participate. I can only remember going trick or treating once in my whole life. And I think I was a cheerios box. We never passed out candy at our door. I think my parents always took us places on Halloween so we wouldn’t be home.

I don’t remember much of my past Halloweens. I do remember moving down here and our church always had “harvest parties” (nothing wrong with them.) So we always dressed and went to those.

I wasn’t a big fan of Halloweens and I don’t really know why. But this year I think I figured it out. I don’t like to dress up. I don’t like deciding what to be. What’s something good to dress up as? What won’t everyone else be? And then the last part going to a party or trick or treating as that “thing.”

I don’t like dressing up for Halloween because I don’t like to pretend to be something that I am not. I have tried for so long just to be me. So how can I dress as someone else when I don’t even really know who I am? I don’t want to pretend to be someone else. Why can’t I just be me?

I never liked acting in school because I had to be someone else. I don’t like talking in front of people because it isn’t me. I put on this grown-up me.

There is nothing wrong with Halloween. I think it is a great holiday but it is not my favorite and I don’t think it ever will be. And I know that some people love to dress up and get in the spirit for Halloween, but not me. Maybe that comes from not ever getting to experience Halloween as a child…I don’t know. And I think that acting is great too but again not for me.

People have asked me to act or get up in front of people and speak and my immediate response is NO! Now I can get up in front of people and sing but I cannot get up in front of people and speak or act. And people wonder about that? People that act or speak don’t understand how I can get up in front of people and sing but I can’t speak? When I sing I don’t have to be anyone else. I can just be me.

I don’t want to be anyone else. I want to be me. I want to be the person that I was created to be. And I know that I was not created to act or speak or to dress up on Halloween as someone else. I may not know what or who I am but I know that I wasn’t meant to be a beauty queen, an actor or a speaker. I think its good to know that I am not supposed to do those things. Less things I have to try now. :)

The woman's struggle

You have this dream of a perfect man. This man that can live up to everything you’ve ever wanted. This man that you have dreamt about since you were a little girl playing dress up with your friends. Are you putting this man in a box or is there really a guy like that out there? Or is he simply a dream? I don’t know do you?

Or is it simply God that we are searching for? Maybe you have God in your life and you are just simply waiting to be loved by him? Or maybe you know that God is totally in love with you but you feel like you just don’t give enough of yourself to him?

I never feel like I do enough for God. I never feel like I love God enough for him to love me back. I always feel like I like other guys more than I like God. Or I think about other guys when I really should be thinking about God. And through all that I thought I was the only one that ever felt like that. But after talking with different women I’ve realized I’m not alone. I’m not the only one that feels like this? Are you serious? Why in the world does no one ever talk about it?

It’s the struggle that we (women) face everyday. The desire to be full filled by the One and only Himself. It’s the struggle that I am not perfect; I don’t always have the purest thoughts. Someone reminded me that I don’t have to pray twenty-four hours a day for God to love me. Or I don’t have to think about God every single moment of everyday. I am not trying to make an excuse- but we’re all human.

Sometimes I think it’s the enemy trying to tell me lies, “You think about him (a guy) and everything will be okay.” Or when I think about a guy he tells me, “You think about it too much.” It’s a lose lose battle. If I don’t think about him I’m just not normal and if I think about him then I am a bad person because I have those types of thoughts.

It’s kind of like pornography for men. You look at pornography and it makes you feel good. But it also makes you feel very guilty, I shouldn’t be doing this, this is wrong. You think of yourself as a bad person because you look at pornography, you don’t think that God could ever forgive you or even love you. You promise God and yourself that you won’t ever do it again. Until the next time and it starts all over again. Sometimes you can go day’s maybe weeks with out looking at pornography, and that whole time you feel good about it. You have accomplished a big thing. And then something happens and you hit the fan again.

All women struggle with this but no one ever talks about it. Why not? Why are we so afraid to talk about this issue? We all deal with it. I am sick of it. Who are we helping if we don’t speak up? How can we help ourselves if we just keep it to ourselves? We are only hurting ourselves more. So stop keeping it to your self…SPEAK UP!

Sweetly Broken

Sweetly Broken Wholly Surrendered
Let’s look at what these four words mean.

sweetly
a : pleasing to the mind or feelings : AGREEABLE, GRATIFYING -- often used as a generalized term of approval b : much loved : DEARbroken

broken
: violently separated into parts : SHATTERED2 a : made weak or infirm b : subdued completely : CRUSHED 3 a : cut off : DISCONNECTED b : imperfectly spoken or written 4 : not complete or full

wholly
: to the full or entire extent : COMPLETELY 2 : to the exclusion of other things : SOLELY

surrendered
1 a : to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand b : to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another2 a : to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner b : to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)

What was that all about?

Let me explain. I heard a new song this week by Jeremy Riddle called Sweetly Broken. And let me tell you it is sweet. It has been the only song I have listened to for two days straight.

At the cross you beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees
I am lost for words, so lost in love
I am sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

I am sweetly broken, wholly surrendered. I am loved so much by the One that he breaks me so sweetly. So what else can you do when He sweetly breaks you beside wholly surrender?

This song has seriously put me on an emotional high with Him. I am reminded how much I have been given and how much He has surrendered. So to show my great fullness I am wholly surrendered. He died for you and for me. He beckons us to His thrown. He is a God of love and just who gently draws us to our knees. He doesn’t ever command us to our knees but by his love he draws us to our knees and into His life. I am lost for the right words to say to him. And I am completely lost in his love. I hope he knows how much I mean it when I say, “I Love You.” Because that seems to be the only thing that really describes how I feel.

I hope that God never stops “sweetly breaking” me. I hope I never have to go a day with out his love. Not only me, but I hope that for all of you, for everyone out there. I pray that from this day on that that you are sweetly broken and I pray that you are wholly surrendered to Him.

This gift that we have been given is so priceless and so undeserved. Don't forget to go a day with out thanking the One that gave you this gift. For dying for your life, for dying for my life.

At the cross you have beckon me, you draw me gently to my knees and I am lost for words so lost in love. I am sweetly broken, wholly surrendered!

I can't say anything else but I am so in love.

My phobia

I hate school. Not the work but the actually buildings. They scare me and I can’t really tell you why. I really wanted to go see one of my friends Orchestra concerts once and I did. But I sat in my car for 15 minutes before we went in because I was so scared. I think I seriously have a phobia of schools… what would you call that?

As most of you know I am getting ready to go to college (yeah schools freak me out, colleges are worse) and I needed to find out some stuff about enrolling. So my nice older brother thought it would be a good idea if we went to the school. WHAT? Go to the school? Are you crazy? He was laughing at me just like everyone else does. As we were driving I was really nervous and scared. What could happen? I don’t know. When we got there I was sweating and my hands were sweating and I was playing with my keys inside my jacket because I was so nervous. Nobody can understand and I don’t expect people too. It’s just a fear that I need to get over.

Recently I had to go back to that school to take a test and this time I had to go by myself. I was so scared. And this time it was because two things, one I had to go to the school and two I had to take a test. After I walked into the building my fear of the school went away but not my fear of talking the test. I had to be there at 5:45 to fill out papers and the test started at 6:00. I knew what classroom it was but I wasn’t for sure where it was located. I found it pretty easy. So I was there ten minutes early waiting with everyone else outside the class for the teacher to show. I tried to play a game on my phone to keep my mind off of the test… worked for a little.

I don’t know why I get so scared about test but I have a good idea... Being home schooled. The only major test I ever took when I was in school at the end of the year called an Iowa Basic Test. What scared me about this test that I had to take was I had to write and essay. :-O! Now I know I write on here a lot but it is very different. I don’t read and comprehend things very well and that’s what they were asking me to do. Read an article and then write what I thought about it.

I guess I hate home schooling so much because people never saw it as being legit.
People make fun of the fact that I was home schooled. I couldn’t help the fact that I was home schooled, I had no choice, so don’t judge me or make fun of me! I didn’t like home schooling and I can make fun of it all I want but please don’t make fun of me because of a decision I couldn’t not control. I wanted to go back to school every year but I had no choice the control was out of my hands. There are people who were jealous of me because I was home schooled and then there were people who were mean because they didn’t think home schooling was “school.” But what defines school?

I can certainly say that I did what I needed to graduate. Maybe I didn’t have to do projects or write papers all the time but I think I did all that I needed to do.

I feel very unprepared for the journey that is coming. I am very excited for school but very scared. I don’t know how to do projects. I’ve never really had to do any. I don’t write papers very well. I don’t think I have ever really studied. I don’t know what it is like to be taught or have a teacher. You can say that my mom was my teacher but when it really came down to it, all she did was grade my stuff.

I don’t expect all this to be easy, I actually expect it to be very difficult and challenging. But I am ready! I am ready to be challenged and I’m ready to grow.
I don’t even know what any of this is going to look like… I am just following Him.

Being Home schooled

Have you ever done something that you hated but are so glad you did it? Home schooling! I would never recommend it but it was the best thing that I think my parents have done for me.

I was home schooled from grades 5th-12th. I would say those were the best years and the worst years for me. I hated home schooling…1) because I was never self motivated enough 2) I was so stubborn that even when my mom yelled at me I still didn’t want to do my work 3) try to be around your family 24/7 4) my mom was never just a mom 5) I never had friends my own age and if I did then they weren’t home schooled.

Now I like to think that I am a self-motivated person with some things but school was not one of them. I could easily sit down in front of the computer and figure out a new game or a new program but when it came down to figure out my schoolwork…NO WAY! I have to say that I would give up so much on my schoolwork. A lot of the time I would cheat because my mom couldn’t help me or if I asked for help she would yell at me because I should know the answer. (Well if I knew the answer do you think that I would be asking you for help?)

Being stubborn is one word to describe me. I may not come across like that to some people but just wait till you get to know me. I don’t like to do stuff because I was told to. That got me in trouble a lot growing up but you can imagine on top of schoolwork what happened…ten times worse. And I never understood why we had to go to school. Couldn’t people just decide if they wanted to go to school or not? I mean if they wanted to go to school then they would go. What’s the point in school…(don’t lecture me about it I know what the point is…but that’s what I thought growing up)?

Have you ever gone home for a get together or for a family dinner and thought I can’t wait to get out of there? And then you finally get out and you realize how lucky you are to be out of there. Well yeah that’s what it was like for me for 7 years. 7 years of hell! I love my family don’t get me wrong, but being around them all the time really gets to after a while. They are not only your classmates but also your siblings and friends. It’s so crazy! And on top of that you have a mom who is trying to be a teacher, a mother, and a wife. Doesn’t leave much room to be a friend.

There was no social life. Yes my family was very fortunate to be in co-op (its like a day of school someplace with a whole bunch of other home school families). I don’t know how many of you have met our next-door neighbors but that’s what it was like at co-op, those same types of kids. Most of the families had been home schooled since kindergarten so going to co-op was a BIG deal to them. I wish I hadn’t been like this but I always thought that I was better than all of them…and I let them know that. I was so stuck up (maybe that’s why I never became friends with them…not that I wanted to anyways). All my friends growing up I met through the church and all of them went to school. A lot of the time I couldn’t relate to them because I didn’t really know what they were talking about. And I was afraid to ask because that might make me look stupid.

All that to say I wouldn’t change it for anything. There were so many opportunities that I got from being home schooled. I got my first job at 15 and it was amazing. I got to work at an OB clinic. I got to go on so many vacations with different people. I got to spend the night at peoples house on weeknights. I woke up every day around 9 and sit around and watch TV all day. (I was a night owl…so I always did my school at like 1 AM). And I learned so many things about life. I got to experience what happens when your family is in debt and when your dad loses his job for over a year. I got to see God provide in amazing ways.

Yeah maybe I had some really ruff days, but I think in the end I turned out good.

Funny story:
At my graduation… there were eight of us who graduated. We all decided that we didn’t want a speaker. And majority (not me) decided that we should speak, say a couple things about what we learned…blah blah blah. As you know I am not a speaker AT ALL! I don’t think that there is a speaker bone in my body.

I didn’t know what I was going to say the night before graduation. So my wonderful and smarter older sister made me flash cards…did she think I would use those? So we’re there one by one they all get up and talk about how thankful they are to their parents and how great they are and how much they loved school…lalala (you get the point). And its my turn. I get up there and I am crying (go figure). I can’t remember one thing I am supposed to say. I have played with my flash cards so much I don’t even know if I can read them. And the first thing out of my mouth is, “I hated school!” and everyone started laughing. It was true and they all knew it. I could have gotten up there and said school was so great but that would have been a complete lie.

Thats the end to my funny story! :)

More to all this soon…
There is a point to all this. I just don’t want to make it extremely boring!