Do you ever feel like locking yourself in your room and everything you get your hands on ripping it apart or throwing it against the wall? And crying till there are no more tears? And to do all that for absolutely no good reason?Nothing has happened in the past couple days that would even make want me to do that. In fact these past couple of days have been great! But I do think when I don’t have anything to do I start putting my self down. I start realizing everything I could do better. I start replaying everything that I’ve done wrong. Why I don’t deserve to be happy? Why I deserve to be happy? I start thinking about the future and what the hell I’m going to do. I think of how bad of a person I am.
How can we always remember the bad things in our lives and forget the happy things? Or is that just me?
This is really bad and not a good habit. But I have learned to cover up myself when I am not good physically or emotionally. I know how to make you think that I am having a great day. I know how to put on a smile when deep down all I want to do is scream in your face. I guess you could say I know how to wear the mask.
I just don’t want people to ask me a million questions, but at the same time I expect everyone to know that I am having a shitty day; just don’t ask questions. Sometimes my head is so messed up. There are very few people that know that about me…my parents don’t even understand that about me.
Sometimes I can’t explain why I feel the way I do.
3 comments:
yeah, i struggle more with mental battles and stuff (being too hard on myself, lust, the comparison trap, whatever) when i'm bored. i don't think the typical american 'work, work, work, busy, busy, busy' approach is very healthy, but there's something to the saying, 'idle hands are the devil's workshop.'
i think 'the mask' is unfortunately pretty common for people who are actively serving in ministry. i've definitely struggled with that. i remember having a really bad morning and breaking down in tears during a junior high celebration (not that a worshipful tear slipped down my face, i mean sobbing with snot all over my face and everything). i felt so guilty for revealing brokenness in front of the kids. it's like i felt a sort of obligation to be rosy and sunny for them. the truth is we're all human, and humans have bad days sometimes. and it's ok. you don't have to explain it to the world (though explaining it to a few trusted people would be helpful). sometimes it's good enough just to say 'i'm having a bad day,' and leave it at that. being real in those times creates a lot of space for healing and freedom, where the mask suffocates.
love you!
Stupid question.. but how do you get pictures on your blog? I love all your illustrations.. they always fit your point so well.
It's not a stupid question... and thank you!
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