Why can't I just be me?

So I know it’s a little late after Halloween, but I have been thinking about this a lot this past week. Let me give you a little background of my Halloweens.

My parents never really let us celebrate Halloween. I remember being in school and leaving early on Halloween because my parents didn’t want us to participate. I can only remember going trick or treating once in my whole life. And I think I was a cheerios box. We never passed out candy at our door. I think my parents always took us places on Halloween so we wouldn’t be home.

I don’t remember much of my past Halloweens. I do remember moving down here and our church always had “harvest parties” (nothing wrong with them.) So we always dressed and went to those.

I wasn’t a big fan of Halloweens and I don’t really know why. But this year I think I figured it out. I don’t like to dress up. I don’t like deciding what to be. What’s something good to dress up as? What won’t everyone else be? And then the last part going to a party or trick or treating as that “thing.”

I don’t like dressing up for Halloween because I don’t like to pretend to be something that I am not. I have tried for so long just to be me. So how can I dress as someone else when I don’t even really know who I am? I don’t want to pretend to be someone else. Why can’t I just be me?

I never liked acting in school because I had to be someone else. I don’t like talking in front of people because it isn’t me. I put on this grown-up me.

There is nothing wrong with Halloween. I think it is a great holiday but it is not my favorite and I don’t think it ever will be. And I know that some people love to dress up and get in the spirit for Halloween, but not me. Maybe that comes from not ever getting to experience Halloween as a child…I don’t know. And I think that acting is great too but again not for me.

People have asked me to act or get up in front of people and speak and my immediate response is NO! Now I can get up in front of people and sing but I cannot get up in front of people and speak or act. And people wonder about that? People that act or speak don’t understand how I can get up in front of people and sing but I can’t speak? When I sing I don’t have to be anyone else. I can just be me.

I don’t want to be anyone else. I want to be me. I want to be the person that I was created to be. And I know that I was not created to act or speak or to dress up on Halloween as someone else. I may not know what or who I am but I know that I wasn’t meant to be a beauty queen, an actor or a speaker. I think its good to know that I am not supposed to do those things. Less things I have to try now. :)