You have this dream of a perfect man. This man that can live up to everything you’ve ever wanted. This man that you have dreamt about since you were a little girl playing dress up with your friends. Are you putting this man in a box or is there really a guy like that out there? Or is he simply a dream? I don’t know do you?
Or is it simply God that we are searching for? Maybe you have God in your life and you are just simply waiting to be loved by him? Or maybe you know that God is totally in love with you but you feel like you just don’t give enough of yourself to him?
I never feel like I do enough for God. I never feel like I love God enough for him to love me back. I always feel like I like other guys more than I like God. Or I think about other guys when I really should be thinking about God. And through all that I thought I was the only one that ever felt like that. But after talking with different women I’ve realized I’m not alone. I’m not the only one that feels like this? Are you serious? Why in the world does no one ever talk about it?
It’s the struggle that we (women) face everyday. The desire to be full filled by the One and only Himself. It’s the struggle that I am not perfect; I don’t always have the purest thoughts. Someone reminded me that I don’t have to pray twenty-four hours a day for God to love me. Or I don’t have to think about God every single moment of everyday. I am not trying to make an excuse- but we’re all human.
Sometimes I think it’s the enemy trying to tell me lies, “You think about him (a guy) and everything will be okay.” Or when I think about a guy he tells me, “You think about it too much.” It’s a lose lose battle. If I don’t think about him I’m just not normal and if I think about him then I am a bad person because I have those types of thoughts.
It’s kind of like pornography for men. You look at pornography and it makes you feel good. But it also makes you feel very guilty, I shouldn’t be doing this, this is wrong. You think of yourself as a bad person because you look at pornography, you don’t think that God could ever forgive you or even love you. You promise God and yourself that you won’t ever do it again. Until the next time and it starts all over again. Sometimes you can go day’s maybe weeks with out looking at pornography, and that whole time you feel good about it. You have accomplished a big thing. And then something happens and you hit the fan again.
All women struggle with this but no one ever talks about it. Why not? Why are we so afraid to talk about this issue? We all deal with it. I am sick of it. Who are we helping if we don’t speak up? How can we help ourselves if we just keep it to ourselves? We are only hurting ourselves more. So stop keeping it to your self…SPEAK UP!
3 comments:
i agree with this...
i was actually praying through some past relational patterns and stuff a bit earlier this evening, and i picked up my old diary from when i was in junior high and high school (to kind of remind myself of how some of those things started). wow. talk about teenage drama. but anyway, as i looked over those old entries, i noticed how i made such a big deal over the slightest bit of attention from a guy (i'm talking about an exchanged glance, trading stickers, a guy remembering my name, dumb stuff). in a lot of ways i was seriously hiding and scared, but so intrigued by relationships and all that came with it. i blew things out of proportion in my head to get a taste of what i thought i wanted, and i was running like mad from the real thing. and from what i hear, porn is kinda like that. we settle for the imitation instead of holding out for what our hearts were really designed for. and then the imitation can become addictive while the real thing becomes more and more scary.
yeah, we ladies don't talk about this stuff enough. we talk about relationships a lot on the surface but we don't get 'down and dirty' about how we're really struggling. and we miss a lot of healing because of that...
great post! (btw, i felt way honored that you graced the xanga world once more to post a comment on my blog. that rocked my face off! :))
You know, I think Paul was very wise when he talked about the fact that staying single was the best way to maintain your focus on God...
I think that Christian women especially are made to feel that we can't discuss anything that reveals a lack of contentedness and "purity." Book after book tells us what we are supposed to look like and act like. A precious few have really spoken to me, and that is because they help me face my longings as part of how God made me, not as parts of me that are necessarily separate from God. This realization has made these longings and struggles - including "taboo" subjects in Christian womendom like sexual desire (gasp!) -much easier to discuss openly with the women in my life, and ultimately I am having a much easier time giving them to God now that they don't seem as unusual and "sinful" as I was made to believe.
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