Pornography

I am disgusted by people who are addicted to porn. So many men and women today are addicted to pornography. I can’t believe that men or women would want to watch that and be mesmerized by it.

Then shouldn’t I be disgusted with myself? Yes, I am. I only talk about this issue because I have been addicted to porn. And I know what it can do to a person inside. Make you feel inadequate, guilty, and ashamed. For years I never mentioned a word to anyone about this because I was so ashamed of what I had done. I was 13, how did I get addicted to porn?

At first I think I was just interested…isn’t everyone? I mean I had heard of sex but I never knew what or how it went about. You watched sex scenes on television and as a little girl that’s what you assumed sex was. So the first time I saw it I was interested in what was happening. Before that I had heard of pornography, but I never really knew anyone who was addicted to it. I had heard pastors talk to men about being addicted to it but I never heard them talk to women about it, so part of me felt like I was a weirdo. A girl addicted to porn? Is that possible?

I was 13 years old when I got hooked. Honestly at that time I thought it was cool. Why, it’s not like anyone knew? But at that time it didn’t matter. I was doing something that I wasn’t supposed to and no one knew, but me and….OH…God! That’s what always made me fall to my knees crying. “God I am so sorry for doing it! How is it possible that you could and would still love me after all of this? Why do I deserve this? All I did was mess up?” I prayed that prayer so many times that I started wondering if God really believed me or not.

I’m not saying that porn is right in any of this but I do understand why so many people struggle with this addiction. For a girl who has an imaginary mind it doesn’t just go away, if it ever does go away? You may not be thinking about it one minute and then the next its right there in your mind. It’s not like smoking or drinking. You can hide those things and avoid them (and yes you can avoid porn) but it’s in your imaginary rolodex. All it takes is something to spark it, like a girl who is dressed inappropriately or a sex scene in a movie, or commercials. It really doesn’t take much.

The thing is people don’t understand how hard it is. They make their comments because they think they know what’s better but let me tell you, “Your comments don’t make anyone feel any better. It only makes us feel worse. We know that we have screwed up but we don’t need you or anyone else to continue to remind us of our mistakes.”

It’s probably the one thing I regret…

I don’t write this to tell you that I have had an addiction with porn but I write this to say you aren’t the only girl out there who struggles with it. And I understand what you are going through.

Now I’m just annoyed

This whole going to school and working full time sucks! I didn’t know what I was going to do about next quarter (if you don’t know what I am talking about go back and read UC sucks), but I figured I would sign up for classes and then if I needed to I would drop them.

So I go to register for my classes this afternoon and there is nothing! Everything is closed. The math that I need is closed, the English that I need is closed and the chemistry and biology I need they don’t even offer this quarter.

How annoying is that? All I want to do is go to school is that so hard to ask for?

So looks like I won’t be going to school next quarter… I guess I better start studying for the ACT. Anyone want to help me?

It’s not motivating me at all to finish this quarter. I have my final paper due in English in a couple weeks, and the final exam for math and I have no motivation. I never thought I would be so pissed about this. I don’t even like school. This sucks!

But you know what sucks even more? Check this out.

Quick to judge

I hate that I am quick to judge. When I meet someone for the first time I instantly judge them and I instantly decided whether they are someone I could get a long with or not. If I didn’t get a good impression of you when I first met you chances are I won’t like you. People who have known me for a while like to say this about me: “The people you don’t like at first you end up loving and the people you like at first you end up hating.”

I don’t give people a chance. I just automatically judge them. I knew all this about myself on the surface. I knew that I judged people but I never really knew how much I did it and I don’t like it.

Being in school I see a lot of different people. There are a few I don’t like and a few that I do like. But what makes me not like someone?

Is it because the dress a certain way?
Is it because they say something I don’t agree with?
Is it because they believe something different then I do?
Is it because I think that I am better than them?
Is it because I feel like I have a purpose compared to them?

All that’s judging and I bet I do it more times a day then I want to admit.

There is this kid in my class who dresses punkish. He always comes in to class late (if he comes) but the thing is he knows a lot. He knows more than me at least. I’m not saying that he knows everything. But sitting in class he can have a conversation with the professor about anything because he knows stuff. But I would have never have thought he knew that much just by walking by him in the hall. I took one look at him and thought that he knew nothing because of how he looked. I had never said anything to him and I thought he was dumb.

When I met one of my room mates for the first time I thought he was so weird. He looked weird to me. He was weird at that time to me. He came in grabbed a bowl of cereal went upstairs and then left. What was I supposed to think? But I never tried to get to know him at that time. I judge him right away because I honestly thought I was better than him. And I couldn’t believe that I was moving in with a weird guy. But people always prove me wrong. Turns out he isn’t weird…well sometimes. ;)

I don’t know how to stop judging people…it just feels like a habit (and that’s not an excuse) but I know that I want to get better. I don’t want people to judge me so I guess I should start by not judging other people…

Creativity

What does being creative mean to you? Or what does creativity look like to you?

UC sucks

I hate that I was home schooled. Why do schools not acknowledge the fact that I went to school just like everyone else? Why do I have to do everything different just because I was home schooled?

I love school and I really want to go (shocking coming from me). But every time I check in with school there is something else I have to do. I am half way done with this quarter and they are telling me that I am not “enrolled”. Well how can that be? I am taking classes and I have already paid you and I have filled out an application and paid you yet again for that… what else do you want me to do?

As you can tell I had a very bad day at school this morning. I wish I could say that this doesn’t bother me but it really does. I have never wanted some thing so bad that little things keep getting in my way.

One of the main reasons I picked Raymond Walters was because they didn’t need an ACT score from me (which was good because I never took the ACT or SAT). They told me from the beginning that I wouldn’t need to take the ACT as long as I took the placement test. Yeah! That’s what I was looking for. But now they are telling me that in order to finish my application process I have to either take the ACT or SAT or I have to go through this interview process, where they need a detailed description of the curriculum that I used and a narrative of my home school experience and then an interview with the director of enrollment.

Sounds simple you think right? NOT!

I don’t want to take the ACT. In order to get into nursing I have to get a 17. I know that should be easy, but to me its not. And maybe it’s just me. Maybe I put a lot of pressure on myself? Maybe I am scarred to fail? I’ve said this before but big test scare me! I get myself so worked up that I freak myself out and then I just go crazy. But maybe I am not the person that I was two years ago? Maybe in some weird way I have changed? Maybe I can do this? Maybe… (see the whole no confidence in me thing)

I mean there are a lot more benefits to taking the ACT: 1) if I ever wanted to go to a different school it would be a lot easier to go to because I would have taken the ACT.
Okay maybe that’s the only one… but that’s a pretty big benefit. If I did the interview it would only be for that school… what if years down the road I lived some where else and wanted to go get my masters or something else… what would happen if I didn’t have my ACT scores?

Why couldn’t I have been told all this months ago when I applied!!!!

Snow...

I am not in love with the snow!

How do we go from having sixty degree weather to it being thirties? This is crazy!

If its going to snow then it needs to really snow… you know the kind of snow where everything is closed because there’s just too much. The kind of snow where it’s so quiet outside because cars aren’t on the street because there is so much snow! The kind you can sleep in till noon because it doesn’t matter because you’re stuck at home.

If its going to snow then it should just really SNOW!

Daddy's little girl

I don’t think growing up I would have ever have called myself daddy’s little girl, but today I do.

My dad has shown me so much through out my life not only has he been a father, but he’s been a teacher and a friend. My dad has taught me everything I need to know about school, life, cars ;), boys, sex (my roommates will laugh), and most importantly about God.

I remember wanting to go places with my dad because we would have conversations about anything. He would dream about stuff and we would tell him how cool that sounds. There was always something breaking down in our house or cars, and I was always right there lending him a hand. It sounds dumb, but I would do anything to spend time with my dad.

Let’s just say from the beginning I was the difficult child. When I was a baby I never wanted to go to bed (that hasn’t changed today) and I would scream whenever they left the room. One night my dad thought he would be clever and put me in my crib slowly and duck down so I couldn’t see him and maybe I would go to sleep. So when I wasn’t crying (or I had stopped crying) he looked up only to find me looking right down at him. I was the smarter one or I just really enjoyed my dad!

Every night before we would go to bed he would pray with us (I say us because I shared a room with my sister or sisters) sing to us and sometimes read books. And half the time we would always have to wake him up because half way through singing he would fall asleep… but I didn’t care.

I was the one out of all four of us kids to get in trouble the most…or I just caused the most trouble…but every time my dad would spank us and then send us to our room after he calmed down and gave us sometime to think about what we did (or just to vent a lot) he would come up to “talk” to us. (I always hated those times as a kid, because I knew I would have to admit what I did and apologize) But then he would come talk to us, tell us why he spanked us and then the last thing he would do was tell us how much he loved us. No matter what I did or how angry he got, when a dad tells you how much he loves you you forget everything. The spanking that you got (that you thought was totally unfair) all goes away.

When I was home schooled and having trouble with my math or something (it always seemed like it was math) he would always tell me two things about math. 1) Write everything out, don’t do it in your head because you will mess things up that way (and I did) and 2) Always double check your work. I always heard him when he said that. But I never really wanted to put those into practice because that meant it would take longer. But Dad, I heard you and I am putting that into practice now! As kids we always hear what the parents say right? We just don’t always do what you say! J

Not that I am older I think I have grown to appreciate my dad and love him so much more. We meet every week for lunch. And it’s the best hour of my week. It feels like I am finally at a point where I can tell my dad a lot of things. I can talk about what is really going on in my life and let him know what God is doing with me. And when anything is seriously wrong with my car or life I know that I can always call him…which I normally do.

But the most important thing that my dad has taught me is to love God through everything. I would say my family has had its ups and downs but my Dad has been the example of faith through out it all.

My Dad is a loving and compassionate man. He is determined and sometimes successful! He is the most loving man that I know!

Thanks Dad for always being there for me through everything. Thank you for always being my support. I LOVE YOU!!!!!

Stubborn

I will admit it, I am very stubborn. I don’t like to be told that I have to do something (maybe everyone is like that) but if you tell me I have to do something I will refuse to do it, just because you told me to do it, unless I really want to do that thing and then I will jump with two feet right into it. It’s either one extreme or the other…I know.

Growing up with three siblings—I feel so sorry for them—I would never take no for an answer, or I would never give in if they wanted something of mine. What was mine was mine and nobody was going to get stuff from me, but I always took things from them. J You’d think growing up with a big family I wouldn’t be so stubborn…haha not the case.

When I started driving my parents always wanted to know where I was so they asked me every time I left the house to call them to let them know where or what I was doing. Why? If they really wanted to know where I was then why didn’t they call me? That’s was my thinking. (Sorry mom and dad.) So you can see how I got in trouble all the time because I wouldn’t give them a simple phone call to say, “Hey I am going to dinner. I’ll be home later.”

I know that all sounds bad, and you might be thinking it’s just a one minute phone call… but to me that wasn’t the point. To me the point was they wanted me to do something that I didn’t want too. (Good point I know!)

But I am starting to learn that some times being stubborn in life can’t happen. I’d like to think that if you ask me to do something I will do it. I have issues saying no and I am just someone that really likes to do stuff for people. But when I am TOLD to do something… I refuse.

I guess that’s why I hated school growing up. It wasn’t a choice for me…I HAD TO DO IT! And sometimes I would refuse. Not that I didn’t get in trouble when I would refuse, but getting in trouble was better than giving into to doing school that my parents wanted me to do. Which is why I never wanted to go to college!

I need to work on being unstubborn! (I just made up a word!)

You know those days

Its just one of those days…

…my bed seems to be calling my name.

…where I’m just not in the mood to talk.

…I want to go home and put on my pajamas. (How is that any different from any other day for me?)

…where time could go by much faster.

…to curl up in bed with all my blankets and pillows and watch a good movie.

…where the weather could be much nicer. (NOT FREEZING)

It’s just one of those days where nothing is going to make me happy.