The weekend of fun

Well the weekend was great here are some pictures from the weekend.















This is Penis (yes I said Penis... ask me about it some time;)) and me. :) :) :)
















This is my Aunt (who got married obviously) and me right before the wedding.
















This is my little brother and he is so cute I just had to put it up!
















This is all of us in the car on the way :). A six hour drive turned into an eight hour drive.

Wedding, family, and drama and some other things. That was my weekend.

So much

There is so much to say... so much to do... too many pictures to post... a lot of sleep to be had... not enough time.

There is a lot I want to update every one on, but I have been very busy these last few days. I will update soon!

Sometimes life just gives you little suprises and you don't know why.

Life goes on

I should be sleeping at this moment, its 3:16am. But as I expected I can’t sleep. I’m sad. I just don’t want to say goodbye. If I could be a heartless bitch I probably would have gotten my stuff together at this very moment and left with out saying goodbye. And I have seriously thought about it. It’s not the leaving part that sucks (okay it is) but the saying goodbye sucks.

The thing is, I will say bye to everyone in the morning and I will then drive 500 million miles (I am exaggerating) probably more like 350 miles to Illinois and go to my Aunts wedding. It will probably take me all day to calm myself down blah blah blah, but everyone else will go on…life will go on. People will go to work, kids will be fed, things will happen. LIFE GOES ON! (For you all) Your life stays the same but mine changes dramatically! And that’s okay… it’s just really sad for me.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I love you all

I leave in two days and I am in complete denial. I’ve sent all my stuff and I still don’t believe I am going to do this. I’m tired of crying, I’m tired of waiting…I’m just ready to do this thing. I’ve pushed and shoved enough. Time is coming and all I can do is embrace it.

I can’t explain to anyone how much I love all these people.



Two, you wanna fight? (as I laugh and back away...:)) You are a great guy.

Aaron, just remember to look for things and not ask someone where it is to quickly. ;) Thanks for letting me love your kids and wife. Thanks for letting me help with Dvine.



Mattaline! You are an amazing person who has been gifted with an amazing talent, don't forget who you are. I am going to miss you a lot, but I have a feeling you will be visiting very shortly! :)

PICNIC!!! Thanks for hanging out with me. ;) I'll try to find some one to hang out with all the time in Houston, but I doubt they will be as cool as you. :)

Steve, where do I start with you? Bag em up! :-)
There's a lot that I can say about you, but I am just going to stick with thanks for being a great friend and teaching me more than you know.

I love these two boys more than anyone will ever understand! And I am going to miss them so much! They make me laugh, the make me smile, they make me cry...they just make me happy!!!!






























Brooke, I LOVE YOU! I want you to know that I am going to miss you so much!!!!!!!! You are an amazing friend, you are an amzing mom. You have taught me so much. I don't think there is ever anything that I could do to ever repay you for everything you've done and given me. Thank you so much for letting me love yours boys. Thanks for being there when I needed someone.


All of these people have taught me so much and they've put up with me! I'm weird I know! So thanks to all of you for putting up with me and loving me! I love you all and am going to miss you!!!!

I wish I knew how to quit you

“I wish I knew how to quit you.”
Brokeback Mountain


I know I know… Brokeback Mountain?

I liked it. It was a really slow in some parts but it was good. If you can get over two guys kissing and making love there is actually a story behind it. (I won’t ruin it for those of you who haven’t seen it.) :)

But I love this quote… “I wish I knew how to quit you.” I can relate to that quote so much. Do you know how many times I have said, “I wish I knew how to quit you,” but in my own words. I wish I didn’t think about you all the time…I wish I didn’t get excited every time my phone rang hoping it was you…I wish I didn’t dream about you…I wish you didn’t give me butterflies…I wish you could be mean…I wish you were ugly…I wish I didn’t like you.



I wish I knew how to quit you. I wish I could make every thing that has happened go away. I wish I didn’t think about it all the time. I wish I would have listened to myself more. I wish I would have just left. Not your fault… I just got too attached. I have a problem with that…getting attached too soon. I let my emotions do the leading and I let my brain follow (not a good thing). I wish I could stop liking you. I wish I could forgive myself. I wish I could forgive you. I wish I knew how to quit you!

Counting down

4 more days of work left.
10 more days till I leave Cincinnati.
13 days till I am in Houston.
And 19 days till I go to Denver.

I have started packing and let me just say that is not fun at all. It would be very different if I knew I was leaving Cincinnati for good, but I don’t. So it just makes it harder to decide what I need and what I don’t need. I think it’s more about what things make me feel comfortable and at home.

I thought leaving work was going to be easy. I mean I have wanted to leave for a while. But I am beginning to realize that it is going to be very difficult. I have grown up there. That place has taught me a lot and has given me a lot of chances.

Leaving Cincinnati is going to be very difficult. More difficult then I thought. So much that I don’t even want to talk about it…

Houston has a lot to show me. It’s going to have to prove to me that it is a good city.

Denver (or I should say Estes) is going to be a great time. I am going to meet a lot of new people and hopefully grow from this experience.

I am starting to get excited… but only a teensy weensy!

I’m mad

I am so mad at God right now!

Have you ever been so mad at Him that you just want to rebel? You want to go out and not care? I just want to make Him feel how I feel at this very moment.
I’m sorry God! I’m just frustrated. I love this place so much and it kills me to have to leave everything behind. Maybe it’s for the best, maybe there is more to it all then I can see, and it’s probably true, but at this moment it sucks ass!!

You know when you get mad at someone and you just don’t want to speak to them? Yeah, I’m at that point. I don’t want to talk to God. I don’t even want to think about Him. I just don’t care anymore. I’m ready to just say no. I’m ready to give up. I am ready to throw away everything that I’ve worked so hard for.

Please don’t even begin to try to make me feel better if you have no idea what I am going through. I know that God loves me. I know he would never make me do something if it was the wrong thing. I know it’s going to suck for awhile and I know that God knows more than me, but I’m mad and frustrated and sad. (And I have every right to feel this way!)

I’m sick of hiding it. I’m sick of being afraid. I hate the whole idea; I’m not going to lie. I would tell God at this moment that I think he doesn’t know what he is doing. How could he sit and watch me be so scared, and angry? How could he do this?

I have never felt so alone. And maybe He’s right there… doesn’t he see I need Him more than ever?

I need You Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go
There’s no other name by
Which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You

Sabbath

Remember to observe the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days a week are set apart for your daily duties
and regular work, 10but the seventh day is a day of rest dedicated to the LORD your God. On that day no one
in your household may do any kind of work. This includes you, your sons and daughters, your male and
female servants, your livestock, and any foreigners living among you. For in six days the LORD made the
heavens, the earth, the sea, and everything in them; then he rested on the seventh day. That is why the
LORD blessed the Sabbath day and set it apart as holy.
Exodus 20:8-11

God called us to rest on the seventh day but why doesn’t anybody ever follow that? I don’t! I will be the first one to tell you I don’t stop. I am constantly on the go. Now my days vary and I may have a little bit of time here and a little bit more time here, but I never take one day to just REST.

Here’s to finding the Sabbath.

I am in love!

This baby has stolen my heart...














It's very hard to explain to you how much I love this little boy! He turned two recently and I really can't believe he is that big. Every day he get's bigger, every day he says a new word, every day he learns new things, every day he gets smarter...

We played together last night in the sand and we walked through the garden. You can't have a real conversation with him but you can talk to him and he says things back (not like you can always understand him, but he tries, he really tries. It's cute and sad when you don't know what he is saying and he gets frustrated). And we played with the ball and saw a lot of planes... and we had fun... I had fun.

To think how much he has grown up makes me cry. He's not the little baby that he was a year ago... he is more independent now. He's not supposed to grow up!

I've found the love of my life...

More time

I just wish I had more time.
I wish I wasn't really counting down the days in my head.
I just wish I didn't have to do this.

My favorite songs at the moment

I am not afraid to admit that I like some of the worst music out there. But you do have to admit that it is very catchy!!!

SOS- Rihanna
S.O.S. please someone help me.
It's not healthy... for me to feel this way
Y.O.U. are making this hard
I can't take it, see it don't feel right
S.O.S. please someone help me
It's not healthy... for me to feel this way
Y.O.U. are making this hard
You got me tossin' and turnin' and can't sleep at night

Hips Don’t Lie- Shakira
I never really knew that she could dance like this
She makes a man wants to speak Spanish
Como se llama, bonita, mi casa, su casa
Shakira, Shakira
Oh baby when you talk like that
You make a woman go mad
So be wise and keep on
Reading the signs of my body

Senorita, feel the conga, let me see you move like you come from Colombia

(This song makes me want to take belly dance lessons…I have some time coming up… I might!?)

What’s Left Of Me?- Nich Lachey
Cause I want you,
And I feel you,
Crawling underneath my skin
Like a hunger,
Like a burning,
To find a place I've never been
Now I'm broken,
And I'm faded,
I'm half the man I thought I would be
But you can have what's left of me

Take what's left
Of this man
Make me whole
Once again
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left of me?
Running in circles in my mind
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left of me?
(I like this last part… Every time I hear I just want to be whole again. And I wonder if some one will take me as I am?)

Counting to 100- Matt Wertz
Never been much good on my own
So I'm tryin' to find somebody else
Never been good at finding much
Exept this lonlieness all by myself

Spottin' you ain't been easy
I could use one hand, maybe two
'Cuz I got this spot right beside me baby...
Waiting here just for you

So you go hide, and I'll come seek
And maybe someday in the middle we just might meet
Because I'm counting to 100 and I promise I won't peek
As you go hide...
And I'll come seek

How much longer will this game go on?
I guess only time will tell
I hate to hear that you're all alone

Overlooked in search of someone else
Please show your face
Because I want you to be here, here
I want you to be here

(I never really looked at these lyrics until now…it makes me love this song that much more!! :))


Those are the four songs that I am addicted to at the moment. They all stay on repeat… my favorite button. :)

A visit to the dentist

So the other day I went to the dentist... Now I am not a big fan of the dentist. Every time I go I have cavities (Thanks Dad)! So you think after 19 years I would be use to the dentist, but that is not the case.

I remember when I was younger and we would always go back a second time to get your cavities taken care of; well I would always cry when I had to go back. I didn't like the smell, i didn't like to have to put that gas mask on at first because it smelled really bad, and I really did not like the dentist. I would cry because I was scared. And I also remember him telling me the same thing, "If you don't stop crying I will have to give you a shot." Now at the time it worked, I stopped crying but now that I think about it it's wasn't very nice. I think it might have scarred me for life.

I say all that just to show you this funny picture.



This would be me right after I left the dentist office. The whole left side of my face was numb.

I thought it was funny...hope you think so too! :)

Track record

I haven’t had a great track record with men. I tend to go for the wrong guys. The guys who want something, guys who are dating someone, guys who are at the moment just not dateable and a lot more reasons.

In the last three years I’ve been with three guys but never did I date one of them. But I can say that I have done more than I should have with them. (And no I am not a slut) Now I am not blaming any of them for anything. I know that I have done my fair share of things. This is just my observation and experience.

I can say that two of the guys used me and I know I used at least one of them. (Again I am not blaming them…so if you are one of them I am sorry if I offend you.) You could say that I let them use me because of the situations but that’s not the point.

So here is my question. Why after all my instances with guys have they been able to get over it so fast but it takes me forever to get over it? One guy got engaged shortly after, and another one started dating someone soon after. It just seems like at the end it never affects them but I deal with it for the rest of my life. Maybe I am wrong…

I’m not saying I regret any of those times, but I do question myself daily. Did I make a wrong decision? Yes. Should I have been the bigger person? Yes. Should I have listened to myself more? Yes. But I never did any of those things.

Women have emotions (we all know that). This is how I like to describe women and their emotions. Our emotions are like a fire. It doesn’t take much to light but it takes a long time to burn out. Yes, you could just pour water on it, but I wouldn’t recommend it, it would be very bad. It doesn’t take much for a guy to get me to like him. And it doesn’t take much for a guy to continue to feed my emotions. But it does take a long long time for me to get over a guy.

I was going to describe men’s feelings but I really can’t. I don’t know how men think or feel…

I wish sometimes I could just turn my emotions off. I wish it was like a light switch, On/Off.

Part of me feels like I missed out on the whole dating thing… the first date, the first holding hands, the first hug, the first butterflies, the first kiss. I can never take back any of those things. Like I said in the beginning I’ve never had a boyfriend or gone on a date and honestly I’m pretty scared. (I’m not going on a date anytime soon…) I’ve had these “relationships”, but they’ve never meant anything… and to think one day I have to have a real relationship is kind of scary… to think that people will know that I am dating that person or for people to see us. I have never had a relationship that was out in the open.

Sometimes the right things are the scariest and the wrong things are the fun things.

Breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway


Am I ready to spread my wings? Am I ready to fly?I didn’t make a wish but I am taking a chance and a change. I’m scared, more so than anyone will ever understand. I don’t like to talk about Houston because I don’t think I want to honestly admit that I am leaving everything. I don’t look forward to crying myself to sleep at night. I don’t like that I do it now. It’s not going to be easy and I don’t expect it to. I just hope that I give it a chance.

Then why am I going? It seems to be the question that everyone is asking me… I’m going because I can’t ignore this feeling in my gut. I can’t ignore the push that I am feeling and not in a bad way either a push that feels like I am not doing this alone, a push that’s not letting me fall. I can’t deny the fact that I am supposed to go. I can’t just say, “I didn’t like Houston so I’m not going to go.” God doesn’t work that way. And I don’t believe that’s how life works either. I have never trusted God so much in my life than at this moment. Yes, I am going down and I will know some people, but I am also not going to know a lot. It’s almost like I have no choice other than to trust and lean on him… not a bad thing right?

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging round revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me
But, gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I know that I will grow so much from this experience. I don’t know what will happen, what I will learn, or where I will go but I do know that I have to take a chance, and make a change!

I love everyone and thank everyone so much for being so encouraging. I know that everyone would love for me to stay, but no one has ever discouraged me even when I was ready to give up. You all kept encouraging me and I thank you so much!!!!

Friends with benefits

So I talked about sex yesterday so I thought it wouldn’t hurt to talk about it again. I told you I liked the thought of it… :)

I have always thought about being a friend with benefits or having a friend with benefits (I guess those two would be the same thing). (When I say being a friend with benefits I mean an on going sexual relationship with another person.) Now I know that while having a relationship with God that it would be wrong on so many levels, but for a minute lets put that aside. I would agree with you that it is very hard to have a friend with benefits while being in a relationship with God.

That set aside…

Have you ever thought about doing it (being a friend with benefits)? I have numerous times and I have also thought about how easy it would be to just sleep with someone and then leave and I have also thought about what affects that would have on me. I think it is impossible for a woman to be a friend with benefits. And the reason that I think it is impossible is because women are very emotional and we get attached very easily.

I was watching a show the other day called, True Life: Friends with Benefits on MTV. My first reaction was that would be great to have a friend that you could “hook up” with at anytime. But as I continued to watch it I began to laugh.

There were two couples: The first couple were just friends with benefits, he went on other dates and she went to school far away but occasionally she would come back to hook up with him. The second couple had been friends since they were younger and ended up sleeping together one night which then lead to an awkward relationship. Are they friends? Are they friends with benefits? Or are they in a relationship?

In the first couple they both truly liked each other, but neither of them were ready to settle down. But at the same time the girl was very jealous when he would talk to other girls or he would get a phone call or wasn’t attached to her. And he was very unattached! All he was looking for was a sex partner. He didn’t want all the talking, all the questions just someone to sleep with.

There is the problem…what both of them wanted they were getting but it wasn’t the same thing. We as women like to cuddle, like guys to whisper sweet nothings in our ear. Men don’t really want all that. They would be much happier with having sex and saying good bye. They just give to get.

In the second couple the guy was completely in love with her. He would have been willing to drop everything at the drop of a dime for her, but she wasn’t. She said in one segment that she wasn’t very attracted to him, but when they started drinking she just couldn’t help herself and a majority of the time they would end up going back to his house and having sex. Was she using him? Yes! Did he know it? Yes and No!

That’s another problem. Not saying in all- but I think that in a majority of friends with benefits relationships one person is using the other and they don’t know it. See for him he didn’t think he was being used because he liked her. In some twisted part of his mind he probably did know that he was being used but discarded it because he thought that maybe if she slept with him she might fall in love with him.

In the end both couples had ended their relationships. And in both relationships someone was hurt.

I just don’t think that we were created to be in those “fulfilling” kinds of relationships. We all want to be happy, we all want the next best things, we all want the best relationships and I think so many times we settle. I could go out and be in a sexual relationship with someone, but I would never be satisfied. I would still feel empty, lonely, and not great about myself. I would be settling for someone less then who I was supposed to be with.

Don’t settle! Go for what you want and if that means waiting 20, 30, 40 years then it will all be worth it in the end. (knock on wood) :)

Men have needs... well so do women

"I just wanted the opportunity to live my life without having to measure up to some unattainable standard…I occasionally wanted to enjoy the benefits of the opposite sex without all the responsibility my faith and morality attached to them. It was sometimes appealing to indulge my flesh just a little bit…"
- Eric Sandras, Buck Naked Faith

There are days when I wish I could just go out and have sex. Where I could just go out and not think about what is wrong, to not have that little voice in the back of my head telling me not to do it.

Here is the problem I have…
Women don’t talk about this (women don’t talk about a lot of things). We don't talk about the frustrations of our sexual needs. It is just unheard of for woman to even think about wanting to go out and have sex (as a Christian). We always hear about men having needs, but never women. But women do have needs!

Sex is very appealing to me. I have always enjoyed the thought of sex and sometimes it’s hard to resist. Sometimes it takes everything I have to walk away from situations or everything I have to not think about it.

For me, it’s very hard to go to romantic movies, especially those times when I really want to have someone next to me. It doesn’t help to go see a movie either, if anything it makes it ten times worse. I read a book a while back ago (and I wish I could remember the name, but I can’t) that said romantic movies are like pornography for women. Now you can disagree with me if you want but here is why I think it is true.

I have been addicted to pornography and I guess you can say that I am addicted to romantic movies. Pornography (for anyone) becomes part of a fantasy. You can be anyone or anything in that moment. All your issues go away and you become whoever you want. Same with romantic moves, we women dream to be those girls in the movies who are being swept off our feet by the men. And the problem is, it’s unrealistic. Movies are stories that make you woo and aww, and can’t wait to meet that one guy that will sweep you off your feet. (I am not saying that a man won’t sweep you off your feet, I am just saying that we look for it the way the movies show us and it’s just an unrealistic view of men).

I think pornography portrays women in a bad way and I also think that romantic movies portray men in a bad way. But we see them all the time, yet we get disgusted at men (or women) who are addicted to porn?

I really look up to people who are older than me who have abstained from sex. I think you are very strong. I’m almost twenty and I have been close too many times.
Here’s to just another struggle…

I'm not talking...

I’m not talking about Houston so don’t ask me about it!

That is what I am going to wear on my shirt from now on… I’m not trying to be rude so I hope that no one thinks that. I am just so sick of talking about it. I’m sick of talking about something that I am not too excited about. I am sick of saying the same thing over and over and over and over again. I don’t want to think about it. I just want to enjoy my last weeks here… is that too much to ask?