Do you ever feel like you have nothing to offer? Do you ever feel like nobody loves you? Do you ever wonder what the hell am I here for? Well I don't know about you but I think about those things all the time. I feel like I am just wasting space here. I am not someone that is perfect so what's the purpose of me being here. What do I do everyday that makes a difference? How about love? I constantly feel like I give more than I receive. How do you just keep giving and giving? Isn't there a time when your giving just runs out? Where do you fill up? I don't mind giving...I actually love to give...But there are times when I am just like screw it Where's mine? Why do I have to keep giving? What the hell is in it for me?
I am a giver. I love to give. I love to do things for people without them knowing...I love to do things for people when they know. It's part of who I am. But recently I have been tired of it. Why am I tired of giving when I love to do it? When its part of who I am?
Last night I was thinking about this because it was really bothering me and I realized that in the past couple of days I haven't spent much time with God. I mean I talked to him here and there but actually sitting down and spending some one and one time with him, I hadn't done in a couple of days. And I think that my giving comes from God. I think that if God wasn't in my life I wouldn't be a giver. I would be a selfish receiver. I think God makes us who we are (obviously). No but I being serious in God makes us like himself. He creates us to be images of him. My image is giving. I can't think of a time when God was all about himself. He let his Son die on the cross for us!!! Who in the world would do that for you? I don't know if I could let my son (if I had one) die on the cross for other people. There is nothing that God wouldn't give me (I am being reasonable here.) He has given me everything I need...A place to live...A job...Clothes to wear...Friends...A car. He has provided me with all I need.
So how are you an image of God?
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Friday, July 29, 2005
Feeling Good
Have you ever used someone to make yourself feel better? Have you ever done something to make yourself feel better? And I don’t mean used on purpose. I think I use guys a lot to make myself feel prettier, to make me feel that I am worth something, to have those butterflies in your stomach every time you think about him, to make me think that I better than other people because I like this guy. I think that I have used friends to become friends with someone else. I thought if I hung out with Sarah (I just made that name up) then maybe Jessica will think that I was cool and want to be my friend. I think I have also used friends to get away from home at time- you know?
I think I also do certain things to make me feel good about myself. Now I love to sit on our roof on a hot day (it doesn’t even have to be a hot day) and tan- there are two reasons why I do it: One because when I am tan I feel so much more confident in myself, I can wear skirts because my legs aren’t white and I can wear tank tops because I want to show how good I look. Two- because when I am up there the world doesn’t matter. For 40 minutes I don’t have to think of anyone but me, heck I don’t even have to think about me.
I also buy name brand clothes because I want to “fit in.” I want everyone to think that I am cool because I can buy nice clothes. Or I work out because everyone else around me looks good and I want to look good so I work out to make myself feel better. Or you buy a “cooler” cell phone because yours is like two years old and it’s just not cool anymore so you have to buy a really nice one so everyone will check it out and be jealous.
The thing is we all do different sorts of things to make us “feel good”. But I don’t believe that any of those things makes us happy. I know for me it doesn’t. It’s a temporary fix. It last for a moment and then goes away and the cycle starts all over again. I know I can do all those things and have everyone love me but there would still be something missing. I would still go out and find another thing that made me happy just trying to fill that emptiness inside.
But here’s the great thing…you ready… the thing you are searching for or maybe just me is right in front of my face. God! The thing that is going to make me feel truly good about myself and not leave an empty space is God. And I know that sounds so easy. “Yeah, just turn to God and your emptiness will go away”, but it ain’t like that. I have to remind myself all the time that I can only find true fulfill ness in God. I have to remind myself that I have found something truly amazing with God. I have to remind myself that my life without God is a complete hell! I have to remind myself that I have to work at it. It’s not something that is just going to happen. I can’t ask God to fulfill all my needs and that’s it. I have to work at it just as much as he does. I know that when I am spending time with God I feel complete, I feel full and happy. And I know that when I am not spending quality time with him that I feel empty and crazy.
I hope that you all can find true happiness and fulfillment in God.
I think I also do certain things to make me feel good about myself. Now I love to sit on our roof on a hot day (it doesn’t even have to be a hot day) and tan- there are two reasons why I do it: One because when I am tan I feel so much more confident in myself, I can wear skirts because my legs aren’t white and I can wear tank tops because I want to show how good I look. Two- because when I am up there the world doesn’t matter. For 40 minutes I don’t have to think of anyone but me, heck I don’t even have to think about me.
I also buy name brand clothes because I want to “fit in.” I want everyone to think that I am cool because I can buy nice clothes. Or I work out because everyone else around me looks good and I want to look good so I work out to make myself feel better. Or you buy a “cooler” cell phone because yours is like two years old and it’s just not cool anymore so you have to buy a really nice one so everyone will check it out and be jealous.
The thing is we all do different sorts of things to make us “feel good”. But I don’t believe that any of those things makes us happy. I know for me it doesn’t. It’s a temporary fix. It last for a moment and then goes away and the cycle starts all over again. I know I can do all those things and have everyone love me but there would still be something missing. I would still go out and find another thing that made me happy just trying to fill that emptiness inside.
But here’s the great thing…you ready… the thing you are searching for or maybe just me is right in front of my face. God! The thing that is going to make me feel truly good about myself and not leave an empty space is God. And I know that sounds so easy. “Yeah, just turn to God and your emptiness will go away”, but it ain’t like that. I have to remind myself all the time that I can only find true fulfill ness in God. I have to remind myself that I have found something truly amazing with God. I have to remind myself that my life without God is a complete hell! I have to remind myself that I have to work at it. It’s not something that is just going to happen. I can’t ask God to fulfill all my needs and that’s it. I have to work at it just as much as he does. I know that when I am spending time with God I feel complete, I feel full and happy. And I know that when I am not spending quality time with him that I feel empty and crazy.
I hope that you all can find true happiness and fulfillment in God.
Monday, July 25, 2005
How do I trust?
Trust. What is it? I don't know what trust is and I don't know what it looks like.
If you are a women and you are ready this I am sorry if I might offend you but this is what I think so get over it. :)
I think women are bitches! (I am not saying this because some woman was mean to me..I am saying this because it has been my observation) They are mean and back stabbers and rude and always want things their way. They always gossip. (and if you say "I don't I don't"...You do...We all do!) I think there is always competition when I am around women. And even if you don't say that you are better than other women, you always think it. I don't know why she is wearing those shoes, why didn't anyone ever tell her that makes her look fat? Or why is he with her she is so ugly? You may not say those things but you say things along those lines. Hurtful things behind there backs.
And you wonder why I don't trust women? I have only trusted a couple women in my life and I am so thankful for them. All of them have left some impact on my life and I love each one of them because of it!
Now I am not about to blame this on my mom but I do think alot of this has to do with not having a good relationship with my mom. And I can say that I am to blame for it too. I never stepped up and tried to have a mother-daughter relationship with her. I remember when I was younger and I would always hang out at my best friends house, her mom was so cool. She would always talk about her and her mom going out to the mall together, always having deep conversations and I always remember wishing that my mom was like that. I would pray "God please let me and my mom be closer let us be able to hang out and talk like Krista (that was my best friend) and her mom." I remember calling my mom names numerous times while I was writing in my journal. I was never close to my mom and I don't know if thats because she never took the time to be a friend or if she was just too busy with other things either way I was her daughter and she should have made an effort to be my friend.
I know I think every woman is going to be like my mom, but what I have realized by these few women that I do trust is that not every woman is mean or rude or a bitch. The thing is when ever you get around a woman they always want to talk about deep stuff and I am just not that type of girl. It takes me a long time to trust you and I am only going to trust you if I like you and I am only going to like you if you aren't a bitch. For me first impressions are everything. If i don't like you when I first meet you chances are I won't ever like you. I like to say that my guard is up very high!!! And I am not proud to say that. I wish that I could trust people because I think it would be very good for me but how do I do that? How do I drop my guard without being hurt? I guess its a risk I have to take. I am taking a risk in getting hurt but I would rather take a risk to get to know someone then sit back and maybe miss out on a great person.
So i guess what I am trying to say is that I don't trust people. And that makes me sad. But you know the hard part is that when you don't trust anyone how do you expect to trust God? I don't know how to trust anyone and I don't know especially how to trust God? If I can't trust people how do I expect to trust God, someone that I can't see or hear or touch? Its a big struggle for me everyday. To trust that God has everything under his control, to trust that God is with me, to trust that God listens to me. But like I said in a previous post: if I have to struggle to learn some hard things that's okay with me and I think in the end it will all be worth it.
God help me to Trust you. Help me to trust others. Show me how to trust.
If you are a women and you are ready this I am sorry if I might offend you but this is what I think so get over it. :)
I think women are bitches! (I am not saying this because some woman was mean to me..I am saying this because it has been my observation) They are mean and back stabbers and rude and always want things their way. They always gossip. (and if you say "I don't I don't"...You do...We all do!) I think there is always competition when I am around women. And even if you don't say that you are better than other women, you always think it. I don't know why she is wearing those shoes, why didn't anyone ever tell her that makes her look fat? Or why is he with her she is so ugly? You may not say those things but you say things along those lines. Hurtful things behind there backs.
And you wonder why I don't trust women? I have only trusted a couple women in my life and I am so thankful for them. All of them have left some impact on my life and I love each one of them because of it!
Now I am not about to blame this on my mom but I do think alot of this has to do with not having a good relationship with my mom. And I can say that I am to blame for it too. I never stepped up and tried to have a mother-daughter relationship with her. I remember when I was younger and I would always hang out at my best friends house, her mom was so cool. She would always talk about her and her mom going out to the mall together, always having deep conversations and I always remember wishing that my mom was like that. I would pray "God please let me and my mom be closer let us be able to hang out and talk like Krista (that was my best friend) and her mom." I remember calling my mom names numerous times while I was writing in my journal. I was never close to my mom and I don't know if thats because she never took the time to be a friend or if she was just too busy with other things either way I was her daughter and she should have made an effort to be my friend.
I know I think every woman is going to be like my mom, but what I have realized by these few women that I do trust is that not every woman is mean or rude or a bitch. The thing is when ever you get around a woman they always want to talk about deep stuff and I am just not that type of girl. It takes me a long time to trust you and I am only going to trust you if I like you and I am only going to like you if you aren't a bitch. For me first impressions are everything. If i don't like you when I first meet you chances are I won't ever like you. I like to say that my guard is up very high!!! And I am not proud to say that. I wish that I could trust people because I think it would be very good for me but how do I do that? How do I drop my guard without being hurt? I guess its a risk I have to take. I am taking a risk in getting hurt but I would rather take a risk to get to know someone then sit back and maybe miss out on a great person.
So i guess what I am trying to say is that I don't trust people. And that makes me sad. But you know the hard part is that when you don't trust anyone how do you expect to trust God? I don't know how to trust anyone and I don't know especially how to trust God? If I can't trust people how do I expect to trust God, someone that I can't see or hear or touch? Its a big struggle for me everyday. To trust that God has everything under his control, to trust that God is with me, to trust that God listens to me. But like I said in a previous post: if I have to struggle to learn some hard things that's okay with me and I think in the end it will all be worth it.
God help me to Trust you. Help me to trust others. Show me how to trust.
Saturday, July 23, 2005
The Woman I Am
I have discovered that I am comfortable with who I am.
When I was in Jr. High I always remember being so insecure with myself. I didn't like the way I looked, I thought I was fat and I thought everyone else was skinnier than me. I thought everyone had more friends than me. I thought people didn't like me. I used to walk in the mall looking at the ground the whole time because I was afriad people would look at me funny or walk away from me and say mean things about me...even if I didn't know them. And the thing is I was so afriad of it because thats what I would do to people. I would make comments about the way they looked or the things they were saying. I was flat out rude!!! I so thought I was better than everyone. But all of that changed.
I was and I am still not a social person. I don't like big groups of people. I don't like talking to a million people its just not my thing. I like to talk to people one on one or in small groups. I don't think that I am fat anymore (I don't think I am skinny but not fat.) I am comfortable with the way I look...sometimes...more than when I was in Jr. High. And I know that people love me (I am not trying to sound cocky or anything I just know that I am loved now.) I try to smile at people more when i am in the mall or in public. I don't want people to think that I am going to say or think something mean when I walk away from them. I want to love them even if they don't know me.
I feel like I am growing into the woman that God has made me. I know that I am not anywhere near it. But I know that I am getting there. Closer than I was 5 years ago!
But it has taken me a long time to realize all those things.
When I was in Jr. High I always remember being so insecure with myself. I didn't like the way I looked, I thought I was fat and I thought everyone else was skinnier than me. I thought everyone had more friends than me. I thought people didn't like me. I used to walk in the mall looking at the ground the whole time because I was afriad people would look at me funny or walk away from me and say mean things about me...even if I didn't know them. And the thing is I was so afriad of it because thats what I would do to people. I would make comments about the way they looked or the things they were saying. I was flat out rude!!! I so thought I was better than everyone. But all of that changed.
I was and I am still not a social person. I don't like big groups of people. I don't like talking to a million people its just not my thing. I like to talk to people one on one or in small groups. I don't think that I am fat anymore (I don't think I am skinny but not fat.) I am comfortable with the way I look...sometimes...more than when I was in Jr. High. And I know that people love me (I am not trying to sound cocky or anything I just know that I am loved now.) I try to smile at people more when i am in the mall or in public. I don't want people to think that I am going to say or think something mean when I walk away from them. I want to love them even if they don't know me.
I feel like I am growing into the woman that God has made me. I know that I am not anywhere near it. But I know that I am getting there. Closer than I was 5 years ago!
But it has taken me a long time to realize all those things.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
I want to Struggle
I was journaling tonight about something in my life that I am struggling with right now...And I feel like I talk about it all the time with God. And I have journaled a lot about this actually and asking God to help me or take it from me or I just don't want this anymore but I was reading this tonight and it really hit me. (you better read that or you won't get what I am about to say)
I have started to think that maybe this "struggle" is a good thing. Maybe it's not as bad as I think it is...Honestly its not that bad but its something that I struggle with over and over again. So you probably want to know what this struggle is so here it is:
I have issues with men. Not them. I think they are great human beings...Most of the time. ;) But it seems that I always want to have a man in my life. And my good friends like to tell me "You always go for men that are unavailable." And it all started about 5 years ago when I started dating a guy that was a leader and he left the church so we could date and then a month later broke up with me. (that's where boys are dumb) and ever since then I have dated or liked men that or unavailable. One was another leader- had a relationship that was completely hidden from the world, did something that I wasn't proud of.
Two was a good friend but then a student- He was a great guy and still is but he was a student I was on staff and that was a big no no even though we did kinda "date" We emailed each other all the time...Told each other "I love you" (don't ever say that unless you really mean it...Those are three very strong words) but things between us were just not meant to be.
Three was a friend but he had a girlfriend- first guy that I had every liked that was taken...haha! And now I like a guy who ** ** *** **** ***** as me! There are so many reasons why he is unavailable right now. And there are so many reasons why I struggle with it everyday. Why the hell do I do this to myself?
And every time I seem to get myself hurt and I always blame the guys for hurting me. So I was thinking about this because I don't want it to happen again and I thought they aren't the ones who are hurting me. I am hurting myself. I set myself up for so much. I put my whole heart into it (which is not bad but it is when its wrong) I expected so much from each of them and in the end I just got my heart broke because I set myself up for so much. How dumb of me!
I am struggling with this for a reason I believe. I may not know that reason but struggling for me means that I am learning something. And if I have to struggle to learn some hard things that's okay with me and I think in the end it will all be worth it.
I have learned so much through those really crappy moments in my life. It sucks when it happens but looking back at those moments I can say "wow that was dumb! Why the hell did you do that Kalla?" no just kidding. I can look back and see how not to do that again.
I am so excited to see what God is going to teach me through this struggle! (I can't believe I just said that) But I really believe what Steve wrote says everything!
I have started to think that maybe this "struggle" is a good thing. Maybe it's not as bad as I think it is...Honestly its not that bad but its something that I struggle with over and over again. So you probably want to know what this struggle is so here it is:
I have issues with men. Not them. I think they are great human beings...Most of the time. ;) But it seems that I always want to have a man in my life. And my good friends like to tell me "You always go for men that are unavailable." And it all started about 5 years ago when I started dating a guy that was a leader and he left the church so we could date and then a month later broke up with me. (that's where boys are dumb) and ever since then I have dated or liked men that or unavailable. One was another leader- had a relationship that was completely hidden from the world, did something that I wasn't proud of.
Two was a good friend but then a student- He was a great guy and still is but he was a student I was on staff and that was a big no no even though we did kinda "date" We emailed each other all the time...Told each other "I love you" (don't ever say that unless you really mean it...Those are three very strong words) but things between us were just not meant to be.
Three was a friend but he had a girlfriend- first guy that I had every liked that was taken...haha! And now I like a guy who ** ** *** **** ***** as me! There are so many reasons why he is unavailable right now. And there are so many reasons why I struggle with it everyday. Why the hell do I do this to myself?
And every time I seem to get myself hurt and I always blame the guys for hurting me. So I was thinking about this because I don't want it to happen again and I thought they aren't the ones who are hurting me. I am hurting myself. I set myself up for so much. I put my whole heart into it (which is not bad but it is when its wrong) I expected so much from each of them and in the end I just got my heart broke because I set myself up for so much. How dumb of me!
I am struggling with this for a reason I believe. I may not know that reason but struggling for me means that I am learning something. And if I have to struggle to learn some hard things that's okay with me and I think in the end it will all be worth it.
I have learned so much through those really crappy moments in my life. It sucks when it happens but looking back at those moments I can say "wow that was dumb! Why the hell did you do that Kalla?" no just kidding. I can look back and see how not to do that again.
I am so excited to see what God is going to teach me through this struggle! (I can't believe I just said that) But I really believe what Steve wrote says everything!
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Who wants to live a life with God?
So I have come to the conclusion that living a life with God is very hard. And I understand why people turn away from him. Why would anyone want to live a life with God when they can't see or hear him? In this world we go to school and hear teachers explain stuff or we hear people on the radio talking about what is going on in the world or the music we hear talks about breaking up or we see the television or a see a movie where it gives us the "idea" of what love should be like (hollywood love). We see and hear everything. There is nothing in our lives that we have to believe in. So who would want to live a life with God?
Why would anyone want to live a life with God when its much easier without him? "Yeah I am going to go this way God because its much better and plus I have been this way before I know what it looks like. It's safe for me. I don't really know that way. And I don't trust that you think its okay for me. So maybe I will just see you around sometime." So they walk away from God because they think they know whats better for them. There is no trust no faith no believing.
But how freaking boring is that. To live a life that is so predictable. To know
whats coming and when.
Living life with God is hard. No one said that it was ever going to be easy. Did my parents or friends tell me, "Hey Kalla living with God is so much easier than just doing your own thing." HELL NO!!! But did they ever tell me it was going to be hard...NO! I wish that someone would have told me growing up that, "Living with God is very difficult but here's why...." And maybe there is a reason why no one did tell me. Maybe they were afraid that if they told me I may not allow God in my life or I may allow God into my life and then down the road just totally forget about him because it was way to difficult for me. Thats what we tend to do in our lives...right? Just give up because its too hard? But guys when does God give up on us? When does he say, "Wow Kalla you think about boys way more than you think about me. I just can't handle you anymore because you don't love me that much." He doesn't! You know why...because God loves us far more than we will ever know!
He is unconditionally in love with us.
And I think that is so hard for us because we have never seen that. Our parents love us a whole bunch and our boyfriends or girlfriends might love us but that is nothing compared to how God loves us. I can't really explain to you how God loves us except that whatever you do...no matter what good or bad...God Loves YOU!
I want to live a life with God. Anyone else with me?
Saturday, July 16, 2005
Surrendered Life?
So I really want to know what a surrendered life looks like. What is it all about? Does it look like what I think it is? How does it work? How do I completely surrender my life to God?
Here is why it is so hard for me:
I am a control freak. Especially when it comes to my life. I want to know what's going on, when its going on, how's it going to happen. I love control. It makes me feel wanted and needed and special (to know everything). But I don't want to be that type of person. Here is an example:
You all know about SOS (if you don't know check it out). Well the first night I had this video that I had spent 24 or more hours on. And I knew that it was a great video and it was going to be a great start to the beginning of SOS. So hours before SOS was supposed to begin I started getting really nervous and scared. Nervous and scared because I was afraid that some how my video was going to get screwed up. And I have great friends who tried to tell me other wise (but it didn't really help). And to me this was a big thing. The first video that I had ever done to show in the main stage and to over 200 people! Well seconds before the video was supposed to play I had finally calmed down. I had gotten over everything... Now imagine this with me. Countdown: 5.4.3.2.1 (video supposed to play) NO VIDEO PLAYED! Actually the wrong video played a couple seconds into it... I about screamed so loud. I actually said some not nice things! But that doesn't matter... And that's not the point. The point is I trusted those people to play my video. I trusted those people because they did it every weekend. I gave them the biggest thing in my life at that moment! So how do you expect me to give everything over to God? If it so hard for me to give other people things like a stupid video?
Its so easy for me to just take care of my own life but the thing is it sucks. There is no joy in it. There is nothing that makes you happy because you expect everything that is going to happen. I don't ever want to live that kind of life ever again. But how do I not turn back to that?
Here is why it is so hard for me:
I am a control freak. Especially when it comes to my life. I want to know what's going on, when its going on, how's it going to happen. I love control. It makes me feel wanted and needed and special (to know everything). But I don't want to be that type of person. Here is an example:
You all know about SOS (if you don't know check it out). Well the first night I had this video that I had spent 24 or more hours on. And I knew that it was a great video and it was going to be a great start to the beginning of SOS. So hours before SOS was supposed to begin I started getting really nervous and scared. Nervous and scared because I was afraid that some how my video was going to get screwed up. And I have great friends who tried to tell me other wise (but it didn't really help). And to me this was a big thing. The first video that I had ever done to show in the main stage and to over 200 people! Well seconds before the video was supposed to play I had finally calmed down. I had gotten over everything... Now imagine this with me. Countdown: 5.4.3.2.1 (video supposed to play) NO VIDEO PLAYED! Actually the wrong video played a couple seconds into it... I about screamed so loud. I actually said some not nice things! But that doesn't matter... And that's not the point. The point is I trusted those people to play my video. I trusted those people because they did it every weekend. I gave them the biggest thing in my life at that moment! So how do you expect me to give everything over to God? If it so hard for me to give other people things like a stupid video?
I know that I tell God all the time... "I give you my life. Everything that's mine is yours." But the thing is I really don't! Yeah I may give him some of my life but not all. Only the part that I don't want to get messed up. Only the easy parts of my life. and that is so messed up! I don't want to be this person who is scared anymore. I don't want to be this person who tries to control everything (I know that I am not as bad as some people) but I don't want to be more of a control freak. I want to be spontaneous. I want to take risks! I don't want to be scared of failure!
Its so easy for me to just take care of my own life but the thing is it sucks. There is no joy in it. There is nothing that makes you happy because you expect everything that is going to happen. I don't ever want to live that kind of life ever again. But how do I not turn back to that?
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Just a little something something...
So didn't start the morning off to great... (don't really want to talk about it right now) kinda of a sad start to the day. But my day got better very quickly!!! I get and got to spend the morning with me favorite person in the whole entire world MAC!!!!!!!!!! He is so cute and adorable. He just makes me so happy. Well I have alot to say but i am not ready yet and I don't have the time to write a serious post...but i did want to say that I got to spend the morning with Mac!
Monday, July 11, 2005
Simple
So today I woke up later...around 11:00...it's really nice to sleep in sometimes....except I did wake up at about 7:40 which is what time i have been waking up... :( but then i fell back asleep...so that was nice. Enjoyed some breakfast and Chipotle....yum! Then played with Mac until he went and took a nap. Well then i decided to go and layout on the roof! Yes we have a flat roof which I layout on. Got up there and saw Matt and Darcy come home. And Darcy came up and chatted with me for awhile...and while we were talking Aaron and Courtney and Marsha were across wthe street looking at the house for sale and they could see me up on the roof...and that was a little freaky...just to know that people can see me tanning on the roof...just freaks me out. So didn't stay up there very long because it was extremely HOT! Came down took a shower and then went shopping...I know go figure!! HAHA! came back had some lunch and accidently fell asleep on my floor...which was really bad because it just made me grumpy te rest of the night. So that was my interesting day...
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