I haven’t had a great track record with men. I tend to go for the wrong guys. The guys who want something, guys who are dating someone, guys who are at the moment just not dateable and a lot more reasons.
In the last three years I’ve been with three guys but never did I date one of them. But I can say that I have done more than I should have with them. (And no I am not a slut) Now I am not blaming any of them for anything. I know that I have done my fair share of things. This is just my observation and experience.
I can say that two of the guys used me and I know I used at least one of them. (Again I am not blaming them…so if you are one of them I am sorry if I offend you.) You could say that I let them use me because of the situations but that’s not the point.
So here is my question. Why after all my instances with guys have they been able to get over it so fast but it takes me forever to get over it? One guy got engaged shortly after, and another one started dating someone soon after. It just seems like at the end it never affects them but I deal with it for the rest of my life. Maybe I am wrong…
I’m not saying I regret any of those times, but I do question myself daily. Did I make a wrong decision? Yes. Should I have been the bigger person? Yes. Should I have listened to myself more? Yes. But I never did any of those things.
Women have emotions (we all know that). This is how I like to describe women and their emotions. Our emotions are like a fire. It doesn’t take much to light but it takes a long time to burn out. Yes, you could just pour water on it, but I wouldn’t recommend it, it would be very bad. It doesn’t take much for a guy to get me to like him. And it doesn’t take much for a guy to continue to feed my emotions. But it does take a long long time for me to get over a guy.
I was going to describe men’s feelings but I really can’t. I don’t know how men think or feel…
I wish sometimes I could just turn my emotions off. I wish it was like a light switch, On/Off.
Part of me feels like I missed out on the whole dating thing… the first date, the first holding hands, the first hug, the first butterflies, the first kiss. I can never take back any of those things. Like I said in the beginning I’ve never had a boyfriend or gone on a date and honestly I’m pretty scared. (I’m not going on a date anytime soon…) I’ve had these “relationships”, but they’ve never meant anything… and to think one day I have to have a real relationship is kind of scary… to think that people will know that I am dating that person or for people to see us. I have never had a relationship that was out in the open.
Sometimes the right things are the scariest and the wrong things are the fun things.
5 comments:
hmmm... a few thoughts...
1) no, you're definitely not a slut. and i admire you for knowing and declaring who you really are...
2) i can relate to a lot of what you're saying here... i've been in situations where i gave away too much of my heart to guys who didn't treat it well... not a fun thing. and i can relate to what you're saying about it taking a long time to heal and move on (it took me four years and moving to another state to move on in one of those deals; i tend to be more of a marathon crusher than a sprinting crusher :). and i'm 26 and have a similar dating background (or shall i say, lack of dating background :). and i find the prospect (not that there are current prospects) of dating similarly scary. not so much having other people know (i find great safety in letting friends provide input into that area of my life) but the fear that i would be an awkward date/girlfriend (seriously, all i know about what a date is like i got from friends or hollywood) at best or that i'd get even more hurt than in the past or that i'd date someone creepy and not see it early enough or something. i'm trying to break free of some of this fear, but there's still a way to go (i've actually been thinking about posting on that very topic, but can't put a finger on what i want to say yet)... all that's to say, i can relate...
3) having dealt with this a wee little bit longer, i can say that God is definitely able to work on these issues in our hearts. i can think of a situation about a year ago that had me pretty devastated, and i look back now, and i'm amazed at how over it i am. God's dealing with a lot of my fears currently. i'm feeling pretty hopeful for healing in this area. if you're actively dealing with your stuff at 20 (almost :), i'm excited for how God will have transformed you by the time you're my age...
you're awesome... thanks for these posts this week. good food for thought.
I like the fire analogy.. very good.. Kalla you put so much thought and heart into your posts, and it shows.. yay Kalla!
guys have feelings too. it just seems easier for us to move on, but most times we move on quickly to help us forget the last one. and of course accumulated over time, this sometimes comes out when all our past girlfriends can't see us wwrecking havoc in our current relationships.
life is hard, everyone has it equally bad (relative to their abilities to deal with stuff), some deal with it better than others. the grass always seems greener, but still needs to be cut. blah blah.
I hope I didn't sound like I was saying that guys don't have feelings. I really do believe that they do... I just don't understand how they deal with their emotions.
I was going to say that I think guys emotions are like a light switch but I took it out because I was just assuming. But if you (guys) had to describe you emotions how would you?
I think it depends on how much emotional energy the guy puts into the relationship. If a guy just wants to use you, his heart will not be in it, and he will move on really fast. I think the same is true for girls.
From my experience i courted one girl. Right after we broke up, she moved on dated another guy and got engaged in two years. I am still single.
It goes both ways.
~Nayt~
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