"I just wanted the opportunity to live my life without having to measure up to some unattainable standard…I occasionally wanted to enjoy the benefits of the opposite sex without all the responsibility my faith and morality attached to them. It was sometimes appealing to indulge my flesh just a little bit…"
- Eric Sandras, Buck Naked Faith
There are days when I wish I could just go out and have sex. Where I could just go out and not think about what is wrong, to not have that little voice in the back of my head telling me not to do it.
Here is the problem I have…
Women don’t talk about this (women don’t talk about a lot of things). We don't talk about the frustrations of our sexual needs. It is just unheard of for woman to even think about wanting to go out and have sex (as a Christian). We always hear about men having needs, but never women. But women do have needs!
Sex is very appealing to me. I have always enjoyed the thought of sex and sometimes it’s hard to resist. Sometimes it takes everything I have to walk away from situations or everything I have to not think about it.
For me, it’s very hard to go to romantic movies, especially those times when I really want to have someone next to me. It doesn’t help to go see a movie either, if anything it makes it ten times worse. I read a book a while back ago (and I wish I could remember the name, but I can’t) that said romantic movies are like pornography for women. Now you can disagree with me if you want but here is why I think it is true.
I have been addicted to pornography and I guess you can say that I am addicted to romantic movies. Pornography (for anyone) becomes part of a fantasy. You can be anyone or anything in that moment. All your issues go away and you become whoever you want. Same with romantic moves, we women dream to be those girls in the movies who are being swept off our feet by the men. And the problem is, it’s unrealistic. Movies are stories that make you woo and aww, and can’t wait to meet that one guy that will sweep you off your feet. (I am not saying that a man won’t sweep you off your feet, I am just saying that we look for it the way the movies show us and it’s just an unrealistic view of men).
I think pornography portrays women in a bad way and I also think that romantic movies portray men in a bad way. But we see them all the time, yet we get disgusted at men (or women) who are addicted to porn?
I really look up to people who are older than me who have abstained from sex. I think you are very strong. I’m almost twenty and I have been close too many times.
Here’s to just another struggle…
6 comments:
yes, women do have needs, physically and emotionally. and it all runs together because of how we're wired. and yeah, i think romantic comedy can be like the 'cardboard butterfly' (from aaron's talk) for women. and for me, i tend to feel pretty crappy after watching a very romantically-oriented movie because i'm so not the 'leading lady' in any kind of real life romance. and the loneliness feeds all the other kinds of struggles you're talking about. i try to steer clear of romantic comedy for that reason... i think music (certain male artists, certain songs) can also be a source of struggle for me at times, and i have to be careful about that, too...
i like your heart. take good care of it. :)
Kalla,
Your outright discussion of sex and women and women wanting sex is yet further proof that you are a much braver person than I am.
The scariest thing I've done in a long time was to admit on your blog that I'm a (constantly) recovering porn addict myself...and that it's a daily struggle. SO...with that said...I hear ya. Romantic comedies don't do much for me, but I'm not a chick and I don't have workin's like a chick and Hugh Grant does very little for me. I do, however, have to avoid movies like "Stick It" and "Bring It On" and "American Pie" and anything with Natalie Portman in it. I wish I could say it's because it revives my romantic feelings and makes me want to have a loving, romantic and mutually-beneficial relationship...but it's more because it makes me want to do quick and dirty things that married men ought not to do.
It's how I'm wired...sorta. I'm wired to want sex and to want lots of it. However, I assume I'm wired to be monogamous too, right? I mean, God certainly didn't wire me to be polygamous and then give me commandments telling me not to, right?
I wish we lived in a world where I could talk openly with you about sex. But we don't, because then I'd be the creepy older guy who talked to the pretty blonde girl about sex. So...I hope I continue to learn from your blog and perhaps you from mine...and I hope your wonderful female friends can shed some light on the subject.
In the meantime...remember that sexual attraction is good...God intended it, I think, and He delights in it...I don't think He made anything He doesn't like. However, I think the Enemy really likes it too...it's a great way to f@#$ people up, and they don't even see it coming.
Porn feels great. Fantasy feels great. And, in my experience, it leaves you lesser than when you started...you're removed, you're living in something that isn't real, and you end up feeling guilty and sort of useless. You deserve better, and so do I.
Let's continue to fight the fight for real life, and sex that means more than release.
Peace,
Justin
2 Things:
Uno: You seem to keep insisting on bringing up the past of hurt, and who you were and what you've done, but are refusing to focus on the future and who you are.
Dos:Have you figured out you don't want sex for the physical aspect? Your cravings are for a deep emotional need to be met
Love,
UnoDos
I dont see it as a need really, it's more of a strong want. we want sex and we want it now, even if we regret it later. I see need as part of surviving, and i think you've survived pretty good so far without sex.
Justin,
You’re awesome!
UnoDos,
I don’t know who you are but if you would like to talk we should get coffee or something and chat. Shoot me an email…
Anonymous,
I do agree that it is a strong want, but I also think that it is a need in a marriage. Why else would God create it? We enjoy sex… yes. But God created it to make something amazing…US! So I understand that what you are saying and I agree it is probably more of a want, but I do believe that eventually it is a need. :)
Kg,
Yes, yes, my dear we are wired to have needs and wants and as females we are wired to live with our hearts and emotions. We crave...desire...true intamacy and yes sex is a part of that. However, it is just as easy to get caught up in the emotional desires in relationships as it is the physical; i.e. sex.
If you haven't read Captivating by Stasi Eldridge, you should. I am not a huge proponent of alot of christian "self-help" books, and feel good stuff, but I'm telling ya, it is a goody! Yes it dredges up your past, hurts; wounds you never realized existed. It also draws out the potential to realize who we are in Christ..."Living, Feeling, desiring, lusting creatures who may backslide and fall into traps of desire,but who in essence are just desiring to be in that picture that we could potentially be in once we realize where our strength and worth should come from.
It is a constant struggle to remain pure in thought and in action, but it takes a far braver and stronger woman in her early twenties to admit to her struggles as you do, than it does for a mid-twenties one to remain a virgin on principle. Love ya girlie...Always have...Always will...struggles and all.
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