Playing games

So for the last couple of weeks I’ve watched the show The Bachelor. I know I know how could I watch that show, but I love it. It’s so funny to try and guess who’s the bitch, who’s not getting a rose this week, who you thinks going to win and blah blah blah. But last week and pervious weeks I have watched it and wondered how many girls are just “playing the game”?

Let’s be serious girls… could you honestly try and date a guy who was going out with fifteen different women? Would that honestly be okay with you? And could you honestly fall in “love” with him? Or would you play the “game”?

For me, I would play the game! I would charm him and make him think that I am the women for him, if in the end that means that I win. Maybe I would win him and that would be a nice prize but it would be even better to know that out of thousands of women I was the one that he chose. I can’t even imagine what was going through Sarah’s (the winner) head last week when she won. I know what would be going through my head, “I beat all those bitches!”

I hope that nobody thinks that I’m a bitch now because I say all that but as women I think we play games every day with men. And games that they aren’t aware of and games we might not be aware of. (Maybe I’m the only one that thinks like this and that could be the case with my messed up mind). I think so many times we get upset at guys because they play games, but sometimes I think we also forget that we play games too.


As women we want the guys heads to turn, we want the stares (if they aren’t from creepy men…Bragg ;)) we want to know that they are looking at us. We get dressed each morning with the thought of who we might see today or we might do certain things to get a guys attention. We want to be that girl that every guy looks at; we want to know that we have what it takes. Does the game ever end?

I think part of this game is getting what we don’t have, but when we get it is it enough or do we just keep playing the game? I would like to think that once we have it we might stop playing the game, but considering I’ve never gotten the one really think I want I can’t answer that question. I would hope that when I get married the game will stop and maybe a new game played with my husband, but again I don’t know.

I just know that I really don’t want to play the game anymore…

Stuck in the middle

How do I have two groups of friends that just don’t get along? I love both, but I am sick of always being stuck in the middle. They all claim to like each other, but don’t dare put them any where near each other it might turn out really bad…

PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME OUT OF IT!
But how do they leave me out of it? How do I leave them out of it?

I am frustrated, I want my friends to get a long with my friends…I don’t want to always feel like I am choosing one over the other.

Maybe it was me, maybe I just created this mess, maybe my friends will never be friends with each other but can you all be civil towards each other?

I’m stuck in the middle and I don’t know what to do!…?

Pornography

I am disgusted by people who are addicted to porn. So many men and women today are addicted to pornography. I can’t believe that men or women would want to watch that and be mesmerized by it.

Then shouldn’t I be disgusted with myself? Yes, I am. I only talk about this issue because I have been addicted to porn. And I know what it can do to a person inside. Make you feel inadequate, guilty, and ashamed. For years I never mentioned a word to anyone about this because I was so ashamed of what I had done. I was 13, how did I get addicted to porn?

At first I think I was just interested…isn’t everyone? I mean I had heard of sex but I never knew what or how it went about. You watched sex scenes on television and as a little girl that’s what you assumed sex was. So the first time I saw it I was interested in what was happening. Before that I had heard of pornography, but I never really knew anyone who was addicted to it. I had heard pastors talk to men about being addicted to it but I never heard them talk to women about it, so part of me felt like I was a weirdo. A girl addicted to porn? Is that possible?

I was 13 years old when I got hooked. Honestly at that time I thought it was cool. Why, it’s not like anyone knew? But at that time it didn’t matter. I was doing something that I wasn’t supposed to and no one knew, but me and….OH…God! That’s what always made me fall to my knees crying. “God I am so sorry for doing it! How is it possible that you could and would still love me after all of this? Why do I deserve this? All I did was mess up?” I prayed that prayer so many times that I started wondering if God really believed me or not.

I’m not saying that porn is right in any of this but I do understand why so many people struggle with this addiction. For a girl who has an imaginary mind it doesn’t just go away, if it ever does go away? You may not be thinking about it one minute and then the next its right there in your mind. It’s not like smoking or drinking. You can hide those things and avoid them (and yes you can avoid porn) but it’s in your imaginary rolodex. All it takes is something to spark it, like a girl who is dressed inappropriately or a sex scene in a movie, or commercials. It really doesn’t take much.

The thing is people don’t understand how hard it is. They make their comments because they think they know what’s better but let me tell you, “Your comments don’t make anyone feel any better. It only makes us feel worse. We know that we have screwed up but we don’t need you or anyone else to continue to remind us of our mistakes.”

It’s probably the one thing I regret…

I don’t write this to tell you that I have had an addiction with porn but I write this to say you aren’t the only girl out there who struggles with it. And I understand what you are going through.

Now I’m just annoyed

This whole going to school and working full time sucks! I didn’t know what I was going to do about next quarter (if you don’t know what I am talking about go back and read UC sucks), but I figured I would sign up for classes and then if I needed to I would drop them.

So I go to register for my classes this afternoon and there is nothing! Everything is closed. The math that I need is closed, the English that I need is closed and the chemistry and biology I need they don’t even offer this quarter.

How annoying is that? All I want to do is go to school is that so hard to ask for?

So looks like I won’t be going to school next quarter… I guess I better start studying for the ACT. Anyone want to help me?

It’s not motivating me at all to finish this quarter. I have my final paper due in English in a couple weeks, and the final exam for math and I have no motivation. I never thought I would be so pissed about this. I don’t even like school. This sucks!

But you know what sucks even more? Check this out.

Quick to judge

I hate that I am quick to judge. When I meet someone for the first time I instantly judge them and I instantly decided whether they are someone I could get a long with or not. If I didn’t get a good impression of you when I first met you chances are I won’t like you. People who have known me for a while like to say this about me: “The people you don’t like at first you end up loving and the people you like at first you end up hating.”

I don’t give people a chance. I just automatically judge them. I knew all this about myself on the surface. I knew that I judged people but I never really knew how much I did it and I don’t like it.

Being in school I see a lot of different people. There are a few I don’t like and a few that I do like. But what makes me not like someone?

Is it because the dress a certain way?
Is it because they say something I don’t agree with?
Is it because they believe something different then I do?
Is it because I think that I am better than them?
Is it because I feel like I have a purpose compared to them?

All that’s judging and I bet I do it more times a day then I want to admit.

There is this kid in my class who dresses punkish. He always comes in to class late (if he comes) but the thing is he knows a lot. He knows more than me at least. I’m not saying that he knows everything. But sitting in class he can have a conversation with the professor about anything because he knows stuff. But I would have never have thought he knew that much just by walking by him in the hall. I took one look at him and thought that he knew nothing because of how he looked. I had never said anything to him and I thought he was dumb.

When I met one of my room mates for the first time I thought he was so weird. He looked weird to me. He was weird at that time to me. He came in grabbed a bowl of cereal went upstairs and then left. What was I supposed to think? But I never tried to get to know him at that time. I judge him right away because I honestly thought I was better than him. And I couldn’t believe that I was moving in with a weird guy. But people always prove me wrong. Turns out he isn’t weird…well sometimes. ;)

I don’t know how to stop judging people…it just feels like a habit (and that’s not an excuse) but I know that I want to get better. I don’t want people to judge me so I guess I should start by not judging other people…

Creativity

What does being creative mean to you? Or what does creativity look like to you?

UC sucks

I hate that I was home schooled. Why do schools not acknowledge the fact that I went to school just like everyone else? Why do I have to do everything different just because I was home schooled?

I love school and I really want to go (shocking coming from me). But every time I check in with school there is something else I have to do. I am half way done with this quarter and they are telling me that I am not “enrolled”. Well how can that be? I am taking classes and I have already paid you and I have filled out an application and paid you yet again for that… what else do you want me to do?

As you can tell I had a very bad day at school this morning. I wish I could say that this doesn’t bother me but it really does. I have never wanted some thing so bad that little things keep getting in my way.

One of the main reasons I picked Raymond Walters was because they didn’t need an ACT score from me (which was good because I never took the ACT or SAT). They told me from the beginning that I wouldn’t need to take the ACT as long as I took the placement test. Yeah! That’s what I was looking for. But now they are telling me that in order to finish my application process I have to either take the ACT or SAT or I have to go through this interview process, where they need a detailed description of the curriculum that I used and a narrative of my home school experience and then an interview with the director of enrollment.

Sounds simple you think right? NOT!

I don’t want to take the ACT. In order to get into nursing I have to get a 17. I know that should be easy, but to me its not. And maybe it’s just me. Maybe I put a lot of pressure on myself? Maybe I am scarred to fail? I’ve said this before but big test scare me! I get myself so worked up that I freak myself out and then I just go crazy. But maybe I am not the person that I was two years ago? Maybe in some weird way I have changed? Maybe I can do this? Maybe… (see the whole no confidence in me thing)

I mean there are a lot more benefits to taking the ACT: 1) if I ever wanted to go to a different school it would be a lot easier to go to because I would have taken the ACT.
Okay maybe that’s the only one… but that’s a pretty big benefit. If I did the interview it would only be for that school… what if years down the road I lived some where else and wanted to go get my masters or something else… what would happen if I didn’t have my ACT scores?

Why couldn’t I have been told all this months ago when I applied!!!!

Snow...

I am not in love with the snow!

How do we go from having sixty degree weather to it being thirties? This is crazy!

If its going to snow then it needs to really snow… you know the kind of snow where everything is closed because there’s just too much. The kind of snow where it’s so quiet outside because cars aren’t on the street because there is so much snow! The kind you can sleep in till noon because it doesn’t matter because you’re stuck at home.

If its going to snow then it should just really SNOW!

Daddy's little girl

I don’t think growing up I would have ever have called myself daddy’s little girl, but today I do.

My dad has shown me so much through out my life not only has he been a father, but he’s been a teacher and a friend. My dad has taught me everything I need to know about school, life, cars ;), boys, sex (my roommates will laugh), and most importantly about God.

I remember wanting to go places with my dad because we would have conversations about anything. He would dream about stuff and we would tell him how cool that sounds. There was always something breaking down in our house or cars, and I was always right there lending him a hand. It sounds dumb, but I would do anything to spend time with my dad.

Let’s just say from the beginning I was the difficult child. When I was a baby I never wanted to go to bed (that hasn’t changed today) and I would scream whenever they left the room. One night my dad thought he would be clever and put me in my crib slowly and duck down so I couldn’t see him and maybe I would go to sleep. So when I wasn’t crying (or I had stopped crying) he looked up only to find me looking right down at him. I was the smarter one or I just really enjoyed my dad!

Every night before we would go to bed he would pray with us (I say us because I shared a room with my sister or sisters) sing to us and sometimes read books. And half the time we would always have to wake him up because half way through singing he would fall asleep… but I didn’t care.

I was the one out of all four of us kids to get in trouble the most…or I just caused the most trouble…but every time my dad would spank us and then send us to our room after he calmed down and gave us sometime to think about what we did (or just to vent a lot) he would come up to “talk” to us. (I always hated those times as a kid, because I knew I would have to admit what I did and apologize) But then he would come talk to us, tell us why he spanked us and then the last thing he would do was tell us how much he loved us. No matter what I did or how angry he got, when a dad tells you how much he loves you you forget everything. The spanking that you got (that you thought was totally unfair) all goes away.

When I was home schooled and having trouble with my math or something (it always seemed like it was math) he would always tell me two things about math. 1) Write everything out, don’t do it in your head because you will mess things up that way (and I did) and 2) Always double check your work. I always heard him when he said that. But I never really wanted to put those into practice because that meant it would take longer. But Dad, I heard you and I am putting that into practice now! As kids we always hear what the parents say right? We just don’t always do what you say! J

Not that I am older I think I have grown to appreciate my dad and love him so much more. We meet every week for lunch. And it’s the best hour of my week. It feels like I am finally at a point where I can tell my dad a lot of things. I can talk about what is really going on in my life and let him know what God is doing with me. And when anything is seriously wrong with my car or life I know that I can always call him…which I normally do.

But the most important thing that my dad has taught me is to love God through everything. I would say my family has had its ups and downs but my Dad has been the example of faith through out it all.

My Dad is a loving and compassionate man. He is determined and sometimes successful! He is the most loving man that I know!

Thanks Dad for always being there for me through everything. Thank you for always being my support. I LOVE YOU!!!!!

Stubborn

I will admit it, I am very stubborn. I don’t like to be told that I have to do something (maybe everyone is like that) but if you tell me I have to do something I will refuse to do it, just because you told me to do it, unless I really want to do that thing and then I will jump with two feet right into it. It’s either one extreme or the other…I know.

Growing up with three siblings—I feel so sorry for them—I would never take no for an answer, or I would never give in if they wanted something of mine. What was mine was mine and nobody was going to get stuff from me, but I always took things from them. J You’d think growing up with a big family I wouldn’t be so stubborn…haha not the case.

When I started driving my parents always wanted to know where I was so they asked me every time I left the house to call them to let them know where or what I was doing. Why? If they really wanted to know where I was then why didn’t they call me? That’s was my thinking. (Sorry mom and dad.) So you can see how I got in trouble all the time because I wouldn’t give them a simple phone call to say, “Hey I am going to dinner. I’ll be home later.”

I know that all sounds bad, and you might be thinking it’s just a one minute phone call… but to me that wasn’t the point. To me the point was they wanted me to do something that I didn’t want too. (Good point I know!)

But I am starting to learn that some times being stubborn in life can’t happen. I’d like to think that if you ask me to do something I will do it. I have issues saying no and I am just someone that really likes to do stuff for people. But when I am TOLD to do something… I refuse.

I guess that’s why I hated school growing up. It wasn’t a choice for me…I HAD TO DO IT! And sometimes I would refuse. Not that I didn’t get in trouble when I would refuse, but getting in trouble was better than giving into to doing school that my parents wanted me to do. Which is why I never wanted to go to college!

I need to work on being unstubborn! (I just made up a word!)

You know those days

Its just one of those days…

…my bed seems to be calling my name.

…where I’m just not in the mood to talk.

…I want to go home and put on my pajamas. (How is that any different from any other day for me?)

…where time could go by much faster.

…to curl up in bed with all my blankets and pillows and watch a good movie.

…where the weather could be much nicer. (NOT FREEZING)

It’s just one of those days where nothing is going to make me happy.

I don't know what to do.

I don’t know what to do.

It should be so easy for me to just pick up and go any where. I mean I’m nineteen with nothing holding me back…

Am I ready to let go of everything? Am I really ready to grow up? Can I handle being away away from my family? Am I ready to leave everything I know? Is this even what God wants? Or is it something I have made to be so great in my mind?

I don’t know what to do.

I believe that there are times in our lives when God gives us choices and either choice is okay because he is going to use me in either situation. I don’t like choices. “I really just want you to tell me where to go what to do God.”

It’s funny because I really don’t like when people tell me what to do and normally I tend to do the opposite but I really would just like God to tell me what to do. If he’s going to use me in either situation then why can’t he just tell me what to do?

I don’t know what to do.

I’m stuck. I am torn between two things that I really really love. I am torn between a life here and a life I don’t know somewhere else. But where is God going to use me more? Where am I going to feel safe and at home?

I don’t know what to do.

I like security. I like to know that I am secure and someone is always there to help me out. I like the idea of financial security. I like the idea that I know how to do things. I’m not someone who can drop everything and go. Oh that is not me at all. But what if you’ve felt that nudge? What if in a weird way God has been preparing me for that?

I don’t know what to do.

I like to have an idea in my head of what things might look like in the future. You know the whole “where do you see yourself in five years…” I have this idea in my head (and it really has never turned out to be what I think it is going to be) what my life will look like.

I don’t know what to do.

TAKE A RISK! Do you know me? I am not a risk taker at all. You might call me a safe-risk taker. I do everything from the side lines and maybe watch people at first and then do it. But I don’t know if I have ever just stepped out and did something in faith or just to take a risk. Yeah, I’ve thought about it…but I have never just jumped.

I don’t know what to do.

I would like to say that I have a lot of faith in God. But sometimes in these moments I think I have very little. I have very little faith that God can work things out the way they I want them to be. And maybe that’s the problem. The way I want them to be. Faith is and will never be about me. It will always be about someone who is much bigger than me.

I don’t know what to do.

See the pattern here…I really don’t know what to do.

I want to be just like my sister

How come I can pull a blog out of my ass but I can't pull a three page paper out.

I just finished my second paper out of three maybe four for the class and I get so stressed out. Two weeks ago was the first time that I have really ever written a paper, sad I know. And I freaked out. I really don’t know what’s wrong. But everything inside of me tells me that I did everything wrong. I really break down and cry... its horrible I know!

Or maybe it’s the fact that I have had to follow in the steps of my older sister who for her the gift of well anything to do with school comes so natural. If only I had that gift. Don’t get me wrong I love my sister to death, she is my best friend but to have to follow after her in school every year was pretty hard. She didn’t have to try and she did it. I spend six hours on it and I’m not even done. Compared to her I am stupid.

Sometimes I wish I could be like my sister… I honestly don't know what I do with out her in my life. Not many people understand my weirdness but she does and she still loves me! I like to think that we take care of each other but she really takes care of me. She is definitely my older sister. She knows how to make me laugh when I am having a bad day. She knows how to beat me up (even though i think she take the easy way out) but most of all she knows how to love me! She is my best friend. I have thought about what would ever happen if one of us moved away and I think the other one would have to go. We are so close that she knows when I'm not "me."

I love you Bets! (for the longest time I couldn't spell her name...haha...thats funny)

Smoking

I have to write a paper for school arguing one of two papers and after I have read both I am stuck.

One paper is about a lady who is 52 and has been smoking since she was 26. She talks about how people treat her because she is a smoker. She believes that all people hate her because she smokes. She said, “Smokist don’t hate the sin, they hate the sinner, and they don’t care who knows it.” I don’t hate the “sinner.” It’s not about the “sinner”; it’s about the “sin” and what it does to your body. She goes on to talk about how society views smokers…

The other paper is against smoking and how we should do everything we can to stop people from smoking and the affects of cancer. But it is very forward, very harsh to me.

I am torn because I have no idea what to argue, on one hand I understand and agree with the second paper. I don’t think people should smoke. I have seen the affects of what smoking can do to a person. But at the same time I can understand what the first one is talking about too. Since she was born her mom smoked. She knows nothing wrong with it. And she lives in a culture where we aren’t afraid to speak up.

I am not for smoking at all. I don’t like it. I think it’s a bad habit and gross. But it’s not my right to tell someone not to. I can only tell you what I think of it.

So how do I argue one of those…

I guess I kind of answered my own question.

Dreams

Do you ever know what to expect from your dreams?

Sometimes I have far out dreams, sometimes my dreams are silly, and sometimes my dreams are scary (very scary) but sometimes I have dreams of things I know I should do just too scared to do them. You know what I mean?

Do you ever remember your dreams? I always remember the ones that I don’t want to and I can never remember what happens in the ones with me and Dane Cook… ;). I wish I didn’t wake up right in the middle of a good part, which always happens. (I'll leave the details out)

Have you ever felt like a dream was real life? Have you ever woken up and wondered “Was I dreaming or did I miss something yesterday”? Sometimes through out the day I’ll remember something that has happened but then I remember it was a dream.

I don’t know what to expect from my dreams. I don’t know if they ever mean something or if they're just for fun. Obviously I know that some are just for fun. But what about those ones, the ones that I can’t stop thinking about for weeks, the ones where I have felt like I am supposed to do that? What if dreams mean something?

Crawl back into bed

Some days I wish I could just crawl back into bed. This morning I woke up and expected another normal day. Took a shower, got ready, went downstairs, went out to warm up my car only to realize that my car had been broken into. I noticed that my stereo had been removed from my dashboard and that my doors were unlocked. I looked around my car and realized they had busted out my little back window. (I thought my Dane Cook CD was in there, but it wasn’t…Thank you God for saving my Dane Cook :))

My reaction at first was “Great not again.” When I lived with my parents my car had been broken into several times. I feel safer in Clifton than I did in Lebanon…crazy I know.

It’s not that someone broke my window and stole my stereo it’s the fact that people do that. Do you not have any conscious? What satisfaction do you get from breaking into a car and taking someone’s belongings? I want to be mad at who ever did it. I want to say I hope you get what you deserve but I don’t. I honestly feel sorry for them. It sucks that they think they have to break into a car to steal a stereo, to get money, or respect from people. I feel sorry that somewhere down the road maybe they will have to remember everything they did.

Yeah it sucks for me that I have to pay money to replace and fix everything but it beats stealing from someone any day.

So whoever you are out there, whoever you are that felt the need to break and steal my stuff, I hope that in some way you are blessed by this. I hope you find what you are looking for. And I hope that someday you find God, if you haven’t already. Enjoy my CD player because I know I did.

Religions

Here’s a thought and it’s just a thought…
Do you think God created different religions?

I have been very sheltered from other religions. I don’t know much about other religions and I don’t know how to respond to other people when they talk to me about other religions. I have grown up only knowing one religion, Christianity. I don’t think it’s bad but I don’t think it’s good either. I sit in class and I listen to people talk about other religions and I don’t know how to respond. I want to stick up for what I believe but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to argue with people about it.

Now if I am wrong on this please let me know.
From my observation most if not all believe in a God. Which is why I pose the question. We all believe in a God but we have different ways of going about it. Some think they shouldn’t cut their hair some think they shouldn’t have any hair but we all are after one thing…God. Some have other gods under God; some believe you have to do things a certain way to be a part of that religion blah blah… Why couldn’t God create different religions? He created different races.

My whole life I’ve grown up around Christianity. I don’t know anything but that. I never went to high school so I can’t even say that I’ve had that experience of different religions from that. It makes me sad in a way. I want to be able to tell people about God in a non-harmful way. I want to tell people about a God who is bigger than this world with out shoving stuff down their throat. I don’t want to make God impossible. But I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to argue for my God.

I think I’m learning more about myself in school than writing or math…IT MAKES MY BRAIN HURT!

What are your thoughts?

Life is kicking me in the ass

I love my life, but sometimes it likes to kick me in my ass. Schools going great, works going great, and life’s going great but combing those all together in the past two weeks have been really hard. I like schedules (or maybe my body likes schedules) but this whole out of schedule thing is hard. My body doesn’t want to get up at 6 and then my body gets up at 6. It’s crazy.

I didn’t realize how tuff it was going to be to go to school part-time and work full-time. Three days feel like six days, and two days off feels like one day. I know that I just need some time to get used to this schedule but I am afraid by the time I get used to it, it will change again.

Here’s a little update on school:
School is great and exactly what I expected. I love my English class and I hate my math class! Thanks to my Dad who was a great teacher in math it’s very hard to find someone that’s better than him. My math teacher is just weird. He just acts like we’re all dumb. Are all math teachers like that? After this class I think I might take the placement test to see if I test out of math, so I don’t have to take another stupid math class.

My English class on the other hand is great. I am not looking forward to writing my first paper. But the class is great and I am learning a lot…I think.

Being in college just opens your eyes to new things. Like, I didn’t know that a girl could literally look like a boy! (haha… ask me about it and I will tell). I didn’t know that people would be so open in class with their life when they don’t even know you. Some people just like to hear themselves talk all the time and other people would be just as happy to say nothing. Some people are all about themselves. Some people just don’t care to be there (then why in the hell are you?). Why do boys wear their pants all the way down to their knees? It really isn’t that cool to hold your pants and walk. And if your white don’t try to be black… And I didn't really know how many people smoked. You might as well smoke walking through there.

So that’s my update. Here’s to hoping my ass finds my schedule.

What if?

What if You made a mistake? What if it’s the wrong thing? What if they are supposed to stay with us? Why? WHy? WHY? I don’t get it. And maybe I’m not supposed to but come on how could You do this? I don’t know how to feel. I mean I know how I feel but how am I supposed to feel? Am I not supposed to be mad at you? Am I supposed to love You at this moment? Cause I don’t! I’m mad…no I’m pissed! I want to throw something…I want to throw everything…How do I be thankful in this moment? How do I be happy? How do I support them? How do I go on? How do I go to my parents when everything is going to remind me of them? I can’t ignore this but how do I deal with it? I mean I can go on with life but is that really the healthiest thing to do? Why put them all through this? Why put us through this?

You might be wondering what the hell is going on… well let me tell you. On Wednesday morning my younger sister called me with some devastating news for my family. My parents have been a recourse family for three younger children for 15 months. During these 15 months the state has gone to court to try and terminate the mother’s rights. In November they had the last court date and the judge had 30 days to make a decision. 30 days had passed and she had not made one yet. Wednesday morning my mother got the call that she had made her decision. She (the judge) did not terminate the mothers rights and are letting the aunt take custody of them. Three kids who have become part of our family will soon be leaving my parents house. There is nothing my family can do and the state has decided not to appeal.

Wednesday was a very hard day for me. I feel apart at work. Luckily I work with a great team who took some time to pray for my family. But Wednesday night I kind of ignored it. I went on with my life like nothing happened. My attitude was wrong, but I didn’t and don’t know what to do? I don’t know who to mad at. I don’t know what to think. There’s nothing I can do, but how do I just sit back and let this happen.

I know that I don’t see the bigger picture, but I see the picture now. I see my parents who are so in love with three little children. I see three little children thriving. I see three little children who are in love with my parents. I see three little children who have come so far. And I don’t get how God could just take them away. I don’t get how taking them away could be better?

I’m tired God. I’m tired of this... A long battle fought and lost.
















K'liyah, KeAwn, and K'Von this summer at Kings Island. (They had never seen anything like it...they were amazed)
To you three... You will be greatly missed. But know that you are loved by this family more than you know. I love you guys! You will always have a place in our hearts!

I am scared

In two days I will be a college student and I am scared to death. I try not to think about it but how can I not? It’s going to change everything. My schedule that I have been used to for the past 6 months is about ready to change.

The last couple of nights I have had some bad dreams about school and it’s not very encouraging. Okay this might be very stupid but one of my biggest fears is being late. So the dreams I have been having are about being extremely late for my class.

Is all that stupid? Yes. But I have no idea what to expect. I never went to high school and I only went to real school through fourth grade. I really don’t know what to expect. I have all these fears that seem very stupid running through my mind.

But am I excited? Yes. I am extremely excited! Aren’t you excited when you start a new adventure? I am excited to start school and to see what God does through this process. I don’t think I would have ever have gone to school if it wasn’t for God. If you ever think God is telling you to do something but for several reasons and you don’t think it possible. Go with it. I think you might be amazed at what God can do. I was!

Here’s to starting school and new adventures.