I am disgusted by people who are addicted to porn. So many men and women today are addicted to pornography. I can’t believe that men or women would want to watch that and be mesmerized by it.
Then shouldn’t I be disgusted with myself? Yes, I am. I only talk about this issue because I have been addicted to porn. And I know what it can do to a person inside. Make you feel inadequate, guilty, and ashamed. For years I never mentioned a word to anyone about this because I was so ashamed of what I had done. I was 13, how did I get addicted to porn?
At first I think I was just interested…isn’t everyone? I mean I had heard of sex but I never knew what or how it went about. You watched sex scenes on television and as a little girl that’s what you assumed sex was. So the first time I saw it I was interested in what was happening. Before that I had heard of pornography, but I never really knew anyone who was addicted to it. I had heard pastors talk to men about being addicted to it but I never heard them talk to women about it, so part of me felt like I was a weirdo. A girl addicted to porn? Is that possible?
I was 13 years old when I got hooked. Honestly at that time I thought it was cool. Why, it’s not like anyone knew? But at that time it didn’t matter. I was doing something that I wasn’t supposed to and no one knew, but me and….OH…God! That’s what always made me fall to my knees crying. “God I am so sorry for doing it! How is it possible that you could and would still love me after all of this? Why do I deserve this? All I did was mess up?” I prayed that prayer so many times that I started wondering if God really believed me or not.
I’m not saying that porn is right in any of this but I do understand why so many people struggle with this addiction. For a girl who has an imaginary mind it doesn’t just go away, if it ever does go away? You may not be thinking about it one minute and then the next its right there in your mind. It’s not like smoking or drinking. You can hide those things and avoid them (and yes you can avoid porn) but it’s in your imaginary rolodex. All it takes is something to spark it, like a girl who is dressed inappropriately or a sex scene in a movie, or commercials. It really doesn’t take much.
The thing is people don’t understand how hard it is. They make their comments because they think they know what’s better but let me tell you, “Your comments don’t make anyone feel any better. It only makes us feel worse. We know that we have screwed up but we don’t need you or anyone else to continue to remind us of our mistakes.”
It’s probably the one thing I regret…
I don’t write this to tell you that I have had an addiction with porn but I write this to say you aren’t the only girl out there who struggles with it. And I understand what you are going through.
11 comments:
I know you dont want anybody to say anything, but I will anyways...
I was addicted to porn, ever since i've had a computer and the internet. Ever since I was raped by my older sister when i was 8. I'm not saying that that's my good excuse for looking at porn, there is no excuse to look at porn ever. But it feels good to overcome porn addiction. I know exactly how it feels to be tempted all the time! It sucks! But God wont put more on you than you can handle. I am tempted almost every time that i turn on the TV and see a victorias secrete commercial or see some got girl who is wearing skimpy clothes. But every time I come close to going to a porn site that I used to visit, I stop and remember who i'm hurting. It's not enough to just stop, i have to do a lot of praying and fasting. Reading the Bible also keeps me strait. Unlike you, i've kept my secrete to myself and am remaining anonymous for now, but it probably feels good to let your secrete out
Dear Precious Kalla,
You have been forgiven each and every time that you have fallen. It's not called "amazing grace" because it's a song, but because it truly is amazing and miraculous to have a Father so in love with you that no matter what happens NOTHING can separate you from His love for you - not even pornography. Someone once said that confession is good for the soul, but I say it's far better than "good". Our enemy loves to help us keep our dark forbidden secrets hidden from the Light. He will lie, cheat and deceive to keep the shame of our guilt upon us and to never let us even get an idea that we can be free if we would just confess to the One who knows our iniquity and our weakness. His mercies are new every morning because we need His mercy each and every waking day we walk on this earth. As a father, I have never expected my children to be perfect or even close to perfection. All that I have hoped for is that they heard the Good News and that they decided that it was a better way to follow Jesus than to do things on their own. Love has a way of making things right and God's love for you has already made your heart good, it just may need an occasional polishing to make it gleem the way that God always intended for it to shine. You were courageous to put this out on your blog, but more than that you were willing to risk it to find true freedom in the midst of potential guilt and shame. Do you remember the song I used to sing to you each night before going to bed? Believe it - "Yes! Jesus loves you!".
Dad
The deparivirty of the human race sickens me yet God's grace renews me. I admit, I was shocked by your post. Only 10% of the female population is addicted to porn unlike about 80-90% of the male popultaion, but I don't hold it against you in any way. Mostly because I am guilty as well. I went to great lengths to free myself but only managed to change the disease to something else. Who needs nasty pictures when you have an active imagination and can roleplay. The amazing part is God Forgives us and we can move on. Better yet, he often uses these experiences to make us stronger, and to help other people.
Anonymous wrote that only 10% of the female population is addicted to porn. I would be interested in how those stats have been documented. Because of the arguably higher stigma regarding porn for women than men, my guess is that there is a significant response bias (biasing the numbers to be lower than they really are). Nothing to support that opinion other than strong suspicion.
10% Yeah, sure...if that makes people feel better about "the girl next door." OK, maybe I should have just said, "I agree with Marsha." That would have made everyone a little more comfortable I'm sure.
Kalla,
I can't really top what your dad said, but I certainly agree,
"Yes, Jesus love you!"
According to my school text book, it is actually 17% out of 40 million. With an interesting fact that only 20% of women admit it.
yes, Jesus loves you, and i think He is jumping-up-and-down proud of you at this moment.
i love you, too. you are a beautiful, courageous woman of God. may your freedom lead to freedom for others...
Kalla,
Please accept my great thanks for this post. You have the kind of guts I wish I did for talking about this. Thank you.
You are most certainly not alone. I'm convinced that porn addiction is the #1 pariah facing the modern Christian. Guy or gal...it's the big one. It's everywhere, it's easy to get, and it is really, really interesting.
...I should know. I've been an addict since I was 16. And I'm one of millions and millions of men and women. I feel guilty, I feel dirty, I feel perverted...and I am all of those things. And I am forgiven and such as well, I know. But it doesn't feel like that, not in the moment. You do it because you're an addict, you do it because you're compulsive, and you do it because it gives you that rush you yearn for. And then you're miserable. At least, I am...right afterwards, the rest of the day...I'm miserable until the next time, when I'm un-miserable while I'm doing it, and twice as miserable afterwards.
I am an addict. If I'm hearing your right, you are an addict. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, too. I am fighting it with everything I have...sometimes I win, and sometimes I lose, but I know I will beat it.
Let me give you a link. Go to www.covenanteyes.com. I just got it for my Mac...it keeps you honest. If you'd like to know more, you know my email address.
This is it...this is my great war. This is my generation's great battle. Think I'm being dramatic? Then you're not an addict.
Peace,
Justin
Justin- Thanks for sharing that. And can I just say your picture makes me laugh... haha!
Anonymous- "Unlike you, i've kept my secrete to myself and am remaining anonymous for now, but it probably feels good to let your secrete out"... For me it was never about getting my secret out even though it feels so much better to not hide it, it was letting other women know that they are the only one out there who might struggle with it.
Anonymous- "Only 10% of the female population is addicted to porn..." I was very shocked by that number when I read it. But as I have looked it up you aren't too far from the truth. I looked at different websites with statistics and they all were different but somewhere in the range from 10%-20%. The also did say that 70% of women who view pornography keep it a secret.
i agreee with marsha about stats on porn-
i was very interested in it for quite some time, and what ended up happening was i quickly became more aroused by woman than men-it became even more disturbing as time progressed and i began to desire women instead completely. but simultaneously you compare yourself to those woman and destroy your heart...the only way to feel good is to feel sexy, which sets the tone of a whole host of other problems. it is utterly destructive. i understand the confusion and anxiety it causes in you.
and oh! you are so lovely, so awesome, and i know you are in the process of finding out who you are and what youre worth-please know you are worth more than anything else in the world each time the Father glances at you. in that moment you are the most amazing creature he sees. imagine that! imagine-you-his favourite, every time He thinks of you, as He does all of us. so freaking amazing!
jillian
This is probably one of the most healing conversations (online or off) I have particpated in and we are seeing the true power of the internet/blogs to share healing and light among each other. Hope that doesn't sound too gushy but I do admire everyone who has commented, but most admire Kalla for speaking out on the "evil that must not be named"
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