Here’s where I am at...
Life is FUCKED UP!!!
(I’m sorry there is no other word to describe how I feel in this moment!)
I hate that I am twenty and more mature than 28,29, and 30 year olds. Why do I always have to be the big person? I am the one who is supposed to be young and enjoy life… not dealing with everyone’s shit. I can fix everyone’s problems.
Do you ever feel like some of the gifts you have been given are curses?
Mood: Frustrated, scared, nervous, hungry (because I am all of those things and I can’t eat when I am all of those things), mad, angry, sad, but I have a little bit of excitement (I think that is the only thing that is keeping me going).
Monday, June 26, 2006
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Being stretched
I know I have written a post about this before but some how it means something else to me… those Fray’s.
Some times the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.
It seems like I have been doing a lot of hard things lately but I know they are right. This doesn’t make it easier but makes it easier to know that there is a purpose to what I am doing. I am about to do something that will either hurt some people I love or help people I love and I am not quite sure.
I knew that coming down here was going to stretch me in ways that I never thought. I have been down here…4 weeks?... and I’ve been stretched enough. But for some reason I don’t think it’s over. There is a lot more stretching that has to happen unfortunately. (that’s either a good thing or a bad thing… I’d like to think that it’s a good thing!)
Just if you remember in your day to keep me in your prayers!
Thanks! :)
Some times the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.
It seems like I have been doing a lot of hard things lately but I know they are right. This doesn’t make it easier but makes it easier to know that there is a purpose to what I am doing. I am about to do something that will either hurt some people I love or help people I love and I am not quite sure.
I knew that coming down here was going to stretch me in ways that I never thought. I have been down here…4 weeks?... and I’ve been stretched enough. But for some reason I don’t think it’s over. There is a lot more stretching that has to happen unfortunately. (that’s either a good thing or a bad thing… I’d like to think that it’s a good thing!)
Just if you remember in your day to keep me in your prayers!
Thanks! :)
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Boys and... me
Disclaimer: I am not saying any of this because I think I am better than anyone else. Because God knows I’m not. Just an observation and conversations with people.
Guys seem to be attracted to me. What I mean by that is the minute a guy meets me they’re automatically attracted to me. (I’m serious… I haven’t met one guy who hasn’t liked me at one time… even if it was for a brief minute or a thought...unless they are married…but I’ve never asked a married man because well they are married.) I can be completely mean to a guy and he falls for me. I can be so sweet (too much) and he falls for me. I can look the worst that I’ve ever looked and he falls for me. I can look the best I’ve ever looked and he falls for me. It doesn’t matter what I do... GUYS FALL FOR ME!
I don’t know what I do to make guys fall for me either. I really don’t want all these guys falling for me. The thing is once a guy falls for you and you are nice to them they think you’re great and keep talking to you and blah blah blah. I just don’t have the heart to tell them that they are sweet but I just don’t like them like that.
I just don’t know what to do… I know I'm cute but I can't help that. God made me this way. :)
Guys seem to be attracted to me. What I mean by that is the minute a guy meets me they’re automatically attracted to me. (I’m serious… I haven’t met one guy who hasn’t liked me at one time… even if it was for a brief minute or a thought...unless they are married…but I’ve never asked a married man because well they are married.) I can be completely mean to a guy and he falls for me. I can be so sweet (too much) and he falls for me. I can look the worst that I’ve ever looked and he falls for me. I can look the best I’ve ever looked and he falls for me. It doesn’t matter what I do... GUYS FALL FOR ME!
I don’t know what I do to make guys fall for me either. I really don’t want all these guys falling for me. The thing is once a guy falls for you and you are nice to them they think you’re great and keep talking to you and blah blah blah. I just don’t have the heart to tell them that they are sweet but I just don’t like them like that.
I just don’t know what to do… I know I'm cute but I can't help that. God made me this way. :)
Monday, June 19, 2006
Doing the stuff
Tonight and every night this week I get the chance to sing with Adam at a conference that he is leading worship at called Doing the Stuff… which is like SOS but on a much smaller scale (because they don’t have a Kande Wilson! ;))
But the speaker for the conference is the author of the book Buck Naked Faith (I don't remember his name...sorry). Great book… I recommend it. He didn’t talk about the book at all. He actually talked about identities and what we find our identities in. This is something I am struggling with a lot.
I know who I am, but I also don’t know who I am. (That probably makes no sense to any one.) I let things define me, my friends, my job, the things I have, the things I don’t have, my money, my house, my car, and my family. Yeah I know the answer… I should just let God tell me who I am (that’s the Jesus answer). BUT THAT’S HARD!
Last week while we were at the boot camp I met this really cool dude (no not like that!) who told me some thing that is very obvious but something that was very profound to me at that moment, “God is not tangible.” Sometimes don’t you just need God to be tangible? I do. I need God right here in my face telling me everything. Can you imagine what you would or wouldn’t do if God was really in our face? Yes, I know he is here but I am talking about him actually being here like a human.
Sometimes I think… or maybe just me… we forget that God is here. We go on with our lives, feeding the kids, doing our jobs, going shopping, cleaning the house or doing the laundry that we forget that God is every where. Maybe this is just an obvious statement and that's okay but right now in this moment it’s a big statement for me. If God was here I wouldn’t feel like I need to find me… I would find myself in Him. So why can't I do that?
A lot of people define themselves by their relationships. If you’re married then you have found your identity in your life with your husband/wife. If you’re dating someone you have found your identity with your boyfriend/girlfriend. (I’m not saying that all those people have found there identity and have a terrific life… I think they struggle with identities too. I just think it is easier for them to feel like they have an identity. Please correct me if I’m wrong.)
I met a couple who are nineteen and are pretty serious about their relationship. I am twenty and I am struggling to find who I AM and how do you do it when you are dating someone. I know finding our identities is different for everyone but being in a relationship (a serious one) I think would really hurt me (now don’t get me wrong I would love to be in a relationship) but there is a reason I am single, 20 and just moved across country.
There is a lot that I need to figure out about me and life and I guess God new that I wouldn’t be able to do that back in Cincinnati so he moved me all the way down here where I am struggling because nothing is familiar to me, I have to make friends… they just don’t fall in my lap… I have to learn a new job with new people (some are old but it’s still different), and I have to learn new roads that are very confusing to me. (I’ve gotten lost A LOT… but I just laugh at myself because in a way I do it on purpose. :))
Finding out who you are can be scary if you don’t like change. Umm… hello… ME! But I’ve come too far to back down now… even though sometimes it would be so great to just go home and see everyone!
I’m in this till the end!
But the speaker for the conference is the author of the book Buck Naked Faith (I don't remember his name...sorry). Great book… I recommend it. He didn’t talk about the book at all. He actually talked about identities and what we find our identities in. This is something I am struggling with a lot.
I know who I am, but I also don’t know who I am. (That probably makes no sense to any one.) I let things define me, my friends, my job, the things I have, the things I don’t have, my money, my house, my car, and my family. Yeah I know the answer… I should just let God tell me who I am (that’s the Jesus answer). BUT THAT’S HARD!
Last week while we were at the boot camp I met this really cool dude (no not like that!) who told me some thing that is very obvious but something that was very profound to me at that moment, “God is not tangible.” Sometimes don’t you just need God to be tangible? I do. I need God right here in my face telling me everything. Can you imagine what you would or wouldn’t do if God was really in our face? Yes, I know he is here but I am talking about him actually being here like a human.
Sometimes I think… or maybe just me… we forget that God is here. We go on with our lives, feeding the kids, doing our jobs, going shopping, cleaning the house or doing the laundry that we forget that God is every where. Maybe this is just an obvious statement and that's okay but right now in this moment it’s a big statement for me. If God was here I wouldn’t feel like I need to find me… I would find myself in Him. So why can't I do that?
A lot of people define themselves by their relationships. If you’re married then you have found your identity in your life with your husband/wife. If you’re dating someone you have found your identity with your boyfriend/girlfriend. (I’m not saying that all those people have found there identity and have a terrific life… I think they struggle with identities too. I just think it is easier for them to feel like they have an identity. Please correct me if I’m wrong.)
I met a couple who are nineteen and are pretty serious about their relationship. I am twenty and I am struggling to find who I AM and how do you do it when you are dating someone. I know finding our identities is different for everyone but being in a relationship (a serious one) I think would really hurt me (now don’t get me wrong I would love to be in a relationship) but there is a reason I am single, 20 and just moved across country.
There is a lot that I need to figure out about me and life and I guess God new that I wouldn’t be able to do that back in Cincinnati so he moved me all the way down here where I am struggling because nothing is familiar to me, I have to make friends… they just don’t fall in my lap… I have to learn a new job with new people (some are old but it’s still different), and I have to learn new roads that are very confusing to me. (I’ve gotten lost A LOT… but I just laugh at myself because in a way I do it on purpose. :))
Finding out who you are can be scary if you don’t like change. Umm… hello… ME! But I’ve come too far to back down now… even though sometimes it would be so great to just go home and see everyone!
I’m in this till the end!
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Personal trainer
So yesterday I joined the gym here. That is a good thing, but I am also very sore too. When you join one of the things that they do is give you a session with a personal trainer (it’s just to get you to sign up with them) but this morning Melody and I went, and let me just say…PAINFUL! Don’t get me wrong I enjoyed every single minute of it, but my body hurts so much. I can’t walk up the stairs. (I’m not complaining either! And if you think I am then stop reading)
We as humans give up way too easy and don’t push ourselves enough. Why is it that a complete stranger causes me to push myself to what seems impossible to me but I can’t push myself to half that?
It’s the same with life. I think God pushes us to what seems impossible to us. It’s like a trainer knows how much weight we can lift and how much to push us…God knows how much we can handle and he will never give us more. We have the right to tell our trainer I can’t do anymore and the thought is always in your mind when your sitting there sweating and the trainer is saying, “Come on ten more.” You don’t think you can do it. But he believes in you and knows that this is good for you. Same with God, we can tell him and have probably told him several of times I can’t do it anymore, but he’s right there with us telling us we can and pushing us more because he knows that whatever it is it’s a good thing.
And after it’s over it’s probably very painful, but eventually that pain will disappear and you will feel better about yourself. We don’t like to cause ourselves pain and we will avoid anything just to not feel that pain but sometimes we need that pain.
To be healthy you have to be disciplined. You have to eat healthy and work out. To be spiritually healthy you have to be disciplined. You have to have a relationship with God. (I was going to name all the things you should do but I think each person has a relationship with God that is different.) Working out hurts… having a relationship with God can hurt too.
Physically I am ready to be disciplined…
Spiritually I am ready to be disciplined…
God help me!
We as humans give up way too easy and don’t push ourselves enough. Why is it that a complete stranger causes me to push myself to what seems impossible to me but I can’t push myself to half that?
It’s the same with life. I think God pushes us to what seems impossible to us. It’s like a trainer knows how much weight we can lift and how much to push us…God knows how much we can handle and he will never give us more. We have the right to tell our trainer I can’t do anymore and the thought is always in your mind when your sitting there sweating and the trainer is saying, “Come on ten more.” You don’t think you can do it. But he believes in you and knows that this is good for you. Same with God, we can tell him and have probably told him several of times I can’t do it anymore, but he’s right there with us telling us we can and pushing us more because he knows that whatever it is it’s a good thing.
And after it’s over it’s probably very painful, but eventually that pain will disappear and you will feel better about yourself. We don’t like to cause ourselves pain and we will avoid anything just to not feel that pain but sometimes we need that pain.
To be healthy you have to be disciplined. You have to eat healthy and work out. To be spiritually healthy you have to be disciplined. You have to have a relationship with God. (I was going to name all the things you should do but I think each person has a relationship with God that is different.) Working out hurts… having a relationship with God can hurt too.
Physically I am ready to be disciplined…
Spiritually I am ready to be disciplined…
God help me!
Thursday, June 15, 2006
My trip to Colorado
My trip to Colorado was long, but good. I met some really cool people that will always have a place in my heart.
The first half of the trip (Monday-Thursday) was in Fort Collins where we got ready to record a live CD. We set-up, rehearsed, rehearsed some more, ate a lot, slept a little, met a lot of cool people, laughed a lot and recorded a night of worship.
The second half of the trip (Fruday-Tuesday) was in Estes Park. The first day of the trip was very hard for me even the second day because I had to disconnect from the world. Estes is a beautiful place that is surrounded by mountains. I’ve heard how amazing the park was but was really unaware of how beautiful it was.
But here are some pictures from my trip.
The first half of the trip (Monday-Thursday) was in Fort Collins where we got ready to record a live CD. We set-up, rehearsed, rehearsed some more, ate a lot, slept a little, met a lot of cool people, laughed a lot and recorded a night of worship.
The second half of the trip (Fruday-Tuesday) was in Estes Park. The first day of the trip was very hard for me even the second day because I had to disconnect from the world. Estes is a beautiful place that is surrounded by mountains. I’ve heard how amazing the park was but was really unaware of how beautiful it was.
But here are some pictures from my trip.
Meet Calum Rees... he was the drummer from the recording and he is from England. He is a funny man.
Casey refused to take a normal picture... so this is what he gets! :)
This is Adam... he didn't know I was taking the picture.
Meet Sherri... she is an amazing woman!
John... he doesn't really look like this!
Robbie fell a sleep on the floor at the camp while we were transfering fills... :)
This is George Kazaklis... he plays some mean keyboard stuff that he does.
I have a lot more pictures but they wouldn't go up so I will try to put them for everyone to see.
Monday, June 12, 2006
My Confession
I don’t know who I am.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what drives me.
I don’t feel loved.
I know that there are a million people that love and care for me, but what I mean by love is to feel that love. It’s weird because I can say that I am loved by God I know that so much, but my heart still longs for more… what? I don’t know. I am still searching.
I don’t feel beautiful.
Before you say anything… I know that I am beautiful. But have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, “WOW! I am beautiful!”? I do it all the time. But the minute some one tells me I am beautiful I deny it. I think this goes a long with the loved thing. I know the times in my life when I have felt loved I feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and when I feel not loved... I feel ugly.
I feel alone.
I had an amazing thing that I had to let go… now I’m alone and sad.
I think in this very moment I love God so much, but am very mad at him.
I love God because he has directed my life, but at the same time I am so mad at him. I don’t know why he does the things he does. I couldn’t even begin to explain God to you, but sometimes you just have to do what he is telling you… even when it really really sucks!
I don’t know if it’s a curse or a gift, but I fall way too easy for guys.
I have this problem… and I really do think it’s a problem… I fall for the guys who I think are attractive and give me the attention that I need. I normally fall really hard, but somewhere in that process I see who they are… even if they don’t show me that side of them. I see who they are to become and what God wants to do with them.
I want a drink in this moment.
In this very moment a beer would be GREAT. Maybe I could get some sleep…?
I want to smoke.
I don’t smoke, but every time I see someone smoking or smell it I want one. That’s it really… no significant reason.
If I didn’t have a concise and God wasn’t in my life I would be out sleeping around with guys and possibly pregnant at this moment.
I’ve tasted it… and when you’ve had it it’s really hard to go with out it. I’m struggling.
I don’t deserve you. I didn’t deserve you.
I can’t apologize enough for what I’ve done. But you have taught me that I deserve the best. I don’t deserve to be tossed around. I deserve to be placed on a pedestal. Thank you for teaching me about me. Thank you for loving me and thank you for being so wonderful. I didn’t deserve you. I don’t deserve you.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what drives me.
I don’t feel loved.
I know that there are a million people that love and care for me, but what I mean by love is to feel that love. It’s weird because I can say that I am loved by God I know that so much, but my heart still longs for more… what? I don’t know. I am still searching.
I don’t feel beautiful.
Before you say anything… I know that I am beautiful. But have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, “WOW! I am beautiful!”? I do it all the time. But the minute some one tells me I am beautiful I deny it. I think this goes a long with the loved thing. I know the times in my life when I have felt loved I feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and when I feel not loved... I feel ugly.
I feel alone.
I had an amazing thing that I had to let go… now I’m alone and sad.
I think in this very moment I love God so much, but am very mad at him.
I love God because he has directed my life, but at the same time I am so mad at him. I don’t know why he does the things he does. I couldn’t even begin to explain God to you, but sometimes you just have to do what he is telling you… even when it really really sucks!
I don’t know if it’s a curse or a gift, but I fall way too easy for guys.
I have this problem… and I really do think it’s a problem… I fall for the guys who I think are attractive and give me the attention that I need. I normally fall really hard, but somewhere in that process I see who they are… even if they don’t show me that side of them. I see who they are to become and what God wants to do with them.
I want a drink in this moment.
In this very moment a beer would be GREAT. Maybe I could get some sleep…?
I want to smoke.
I don’t smoke, but every time I see someone smoking or smell it I want one. That’s it really… no significant reason.
If I didn’t have a concise and God wasn’t in my life I would be out sleeping around with guys and possibly pregnant at this moment.
I’ve tasted it… and when you’ve had it it’s really hard to go with out it. I’m struggling.
I don’t deserve you. I didn’t deserve you.
I can’t apologize enough for what I’ve done. But you have taught me that I deserve the best. I don’t deserve to be tossed around. I deserve to be placed on a pedestal. Thank you for teaching me about me. Thank you for loving me and thank you for being so wonderful. I didn’t deserve you. I don’t deserve you.
Friday, June 09, 2006
It’s hard
I’m not going to lie… I am having a really hard time. The first week I was really impressed with myself… I didn’t get homesick and I didn’t have a melt down. I was doing well! Not so much for the second week.
Tonight started the Worship Leaders Boot Camp. Which is ninety some teenagers and young adults coming together to be equipped with the right tools on how to lead worship and just worship God. Sound exciting… yes?... Not for me! Today is my melt down… today was my melt down! I had been going strong for so long and today I just couldn’t take it.
Like I have said probably a million times… I don’t like people. It’s probably a really bad thing that I have taught myself, but I just don’t like BIG crowds (especially 100 people I don’t know) and I just don’t like to meet people.
Today I was put in charge of registration for the event. YES… I love to do those types of things but not so good for a girl who was on the edge of exploding…though I didn’t know it… I quickly became aware of it. I new my mood was changing. You know how you can just feel when your mood changes? I just wanted to escape… I wanted something that was familiar to me. I wanted my mom, I wanted my sisters, I wanted Brooke, I wanted my babies… and the worst part I couldn’t have any of them because there is ZERO cell phone coverage up here and they are too many miles a way from me. I needed them so bad. I just kept telling myself what all of them would have told me a million times, “I’m sorry. You’ll be okay.” Now those might be five easy words to say, but let me tell you something they mean a lot when I’m having a melt down.
These two weeks I’ve been through a lot. I’ve moved out of my wonderful house. I met an amazing guy. I’ve moved to a big ass city. I have a new room. I have a new life. I’ve met more people than I would have liked to have met. I’ve gone to Colorado. I’m in Colorado meeting more people that I would rather not meet (not because I don’t want to, but I am really sick of meeting people). I have been to a different climate that is really starting to bother me. I still have four days in a place where I would rather not be. The list could go on and on.
I’m really sick of people telling me what to do and what not to do. I’m not little. I’m an adult now… I know really hard to believe. But I need to make my own mistakes. I can’t learn from you trying to correct your mistakes with me. I want to make my own mistakes!
I’ve learned I don’t know who I am. Have you ever been somewhere that you’ve let define you? For so long I let the Vineyard define me. That’s who I was. I was the one everyone wanted to help with things… I was that “girl”. Now I am in a different city, with people who don’t know me, in a job that I really don’t know about and I don’t know what defines ME! Who am I? What do I do? What drives me?
This is a really big stretching point for me. I want someone to reach out to me… I want someone who will do things with me, but I don’t want to look for that person. I just want them to drop in my lap. And I have a feeling that just ain’t going to happen. I have a feeling that it is going to take everything I have to meet people.
It’s taking everything I have to stay. I really don’t want to stay. I want to go home. I want to see my family and friends. And I just don’t want to give up. Who ever said following God was easy!
Tonight started the Worship Leaders Boot Camp. Which is ninety some teenagers and young adults coming together to be equipped with the right tools on how to lead worship and just worship God. Sound exciting… yes?... Not for me! Today is my melt down… today was my melt down! I had been going strong for so long and today I just couldn’t take it.
Like I have said probably a million times… I don’t like people. It’s probably a really bad thing that I have taught myself, but I just don’t like BIG crowds (especially 100 people I don’t know) and I just don’t like to meet people.
Today I was put in charge of registration for the event. YES… I love to do those types of things but not so good for a girl who was on the edge of exploding…though I didn’t know it… I quickly became aware of it. I new my mood was changing. You know how you can just feel when your mood changes? I just wanted to escape… I wanted something that was familiar to me. I wanted my mom, I wanted my sisters, I wanted Brooke, I wanted my babies… and the worst part I couldn’t have any of them because there is ZERO cell phone coverage up here and they are too many miles a way from me. I needed them so bad. I just kept telling myself what all of them would have told me a million times, “I’m sorry. You’ll be okay.” Now those might be five easy words to say, but let me tell you something they mean a lot when I’m having a melt down.
These two weeks I’ve been through a lot. I’ve moved out of my wonderful house. I met an amazing guy. I’ve moved to a big ass city. I have a new room. I have a new life. I’ve met more people than I would have liked to have met. I’ve gone to Colorado. I’m in Colorado meeting more people that I would rather not meet (not because I don’t want to, but I am really sick of meeting people). I have been to a different climate that is really starting to bother me. I still have four days in a place where I would rather not be. The list could go on and on.
I’m really sick of people telling me what to do and what not to do. I’m not little. I’m an adult now… I know really hard to believe. But I need to make my own mistakes. I can’t learn from you trying to correct your mistakes with me. I want to make my own mistakes!
I’ve learned I don’t know who I am. Have you ever been somewhere that you’ve let define you? For so long I let the Vineyard define me. That’s who I was. I was the one everyone wanted to help with things… I was that “girl”. Now I am in a different city, with people who don’t know me, in a job that I really don’t know about and I don’t know what defines ME! Who am I? What do I do? What drives me?
This is a really big stretching point for me. I want someone to reach out to me… I want someone who will do things with me, but I don’t want to look for that person. I just want them to drop in my lap. And I have a feeling that just ain’t going to happen. I have a feeling that it is going to take everything I have to meet people.
It’s taking everything I have to stay. I really don’t want to stay. I want to go home. I want to see my family and friends. And I just don’t want to give up. Who ever said following God was easy!
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
A little bit of this a little bit of that
So far I am doing great. I actually really enjoy Houston...it's hot and I love it.
I have though become homesick. I miss everything that is familiar to me. You know what I really miss the most (sorry everyone)... I miss SKYLINE! I miss two cheese coneys, no onions no mustard and a medium sweet ice tea in a to go cup please! (that what I always order and I always say it like that! I'm a dork I know...)
So I have found a new hobby...tanning. I have always wanted to go tanning and since I live in Houston and every one is dark I thought I would join a tanning place. The only problem is you get burned when you tan... haha! I am tan (I would show you but only a few people can see it ;)), but I am also very red! and let me tell you I am red! And being sunburned also makes you itchy... AHH!
I am currently in Colorado at the moment. We are recording a live album at Fort Collins Vineyard... opps maybe I wasn't supposed to tell... oh well! We then go to Estes park Friday to join up with all the people for the bootcamp. That shall be fun! I will take pictures when I get there... but here are some just because.
This is me while in the car driving somewhere... i get bored so I started taking pictures of myself. :)
This is Robbie, Scott and I on our way to Fort Collins.
This has the mountains in the background... Its hard to see them.
I have though become homesick. I miss everything that is familiar to me. You know what I really miss the most (sorry everyone)... I miss SKYLINE! I miss two cheese coneys, no onions no mustard and a medium sweet ice tea in a to go cup please! (that what I always order and I always say it like that! I'm a dork I know...)
So I have found a new hobby...tanning. I have always wanted to go tanning and since I live in Houston and every one is dark I thought I would join a tanning place. The only problem is you get burned when you tan... haha! I am tan (I would show you but only a few people can see it ;)), but I am also very red! and let me tell you I am red! And being sunburned also makes you itchy... AHH!
I am currently in Colorado at the moment. We are recording a live album at Fort Collins Vineyard... opps maybe I wasn't supposed to tell... oh well! We then go to Estes park Friday to join up with all the people for the bootcamp. That shall be fun! I will take pictures when I get there... but here are some just because.
This is me while in the car driving somewhere... i get bored so I started taking pictures of myself. :)
This is Robbie, Scott and I on our way to Fort Collins.
This has the mountains in the background... Its hard to see them.
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