Here’s where I am at...
Life is FUCKED UP!!!
(I’m sorry there is no other word to describe how I feel in this moment!)
I hate that I am twenty and more mature than 28,29, and 30 year olds. Why do I always have to be the big person? I am the one who is supposed to be young and enjoy life… not dealing with everyone’s shit. I can fix everyone’s problems.
Do you ever feel like some of the gifts you have been given are curses?
Mood: Frustrated, scared, nervous, hungry (because I am all of those things and I can’t eat when I am all of those things), mad, angry, sad, but I have a little bit of excitement (I think that is the only thing that is keeping me going).
14 comments:
grow up and talk like a mature adult and not like a punk kid
Kalla,
Yup. You're entirely right. Life is fucked up. For some, I think that'll be the chief most important thing they'll ever learn about life.
For me, it was one of the first things. It's my core personality flaw that I constantly believe that the world is going to shit and is going to hurt me if I don't control it first. Therefore, I feel like I need to fix everybody else's stuff for them...'cause lord knows they're not going to fix it for themselves.
My vote is...you're not nearly as mature as you think. At least, not comprehensively. It sounds like a cruddy thing for me to say, doesn't it? But it's probably true, and I'd be the first to recognize it because I live in that immaturity.
Yes, you're very smart, for an almost 20-year-old. But you're still an almost 20-year-old. Just like I'm only an almost-27-year-old. In my personal experience with you, you're batting way above the average in your work ethic, your knowledge-base, your communication style and your interpersonal contact. But when it comes to social relationships, emotional stability and social decision-making...you're very much a 20-year-old. And, dare I say it...when it comes to your worldview and life experience, you're probably more like 16.
I've said it to you before, and I'll say it to you again...you're still 19. So, let yourself BE 19. Good lord...you're still a teenager...a smart one, to be sure...but still a teenager. So, let yourself BE at a teenager, if even until July 17. And then, come July 17, let yourself be 20. No more.
Your job is not to fix the world...to fix other people's problems...to deal with everyone else's shit, as you said. Be 19. I will shake you and scream it at you just like Allan Fuller did to me...just be where you are. You're not nearly as great as you think you are, and you're not nearly as bad. You are as you are, and that is good. Just let yourself BE.
Peace,
Justin
P.S. - In reference to your earlier post, you'll be happy to note that I am not attracted to you. :) Thanks for not asking!
haha... you think I am a punk kid! That's funny!
Justin,
Thanks for that!
These anonymous people crack me up. Can't they understand that their comments don't mean crap when they don't have the balls to back it up with a name?
Kalla, I agree with the anonymous comment. You need to speak/write like a mature adult if you want to sound credible first, and actually like an adult second. Needing to use words like fuck, shit and other words of this nature is like a ninja using a gun. You're smarter than that and can express yourself with a much better chosen vocabulary.
And yeah, like Justin said, you're still a kid. I'm no where near maturity, but I can tell you that you have a lot left to experience before making a bold statement like that.
Justin is also correct is saying that your job is not to fix everyone else's problems or control their ability. I can't control anyone else, whether I agree with their decisions or not, but there's no use trying to beat them into submission or bend them to meet the perspective I have.
Good luck and go outside to play in a sprinkler or something.
Kalla,
Are you talking to anyone about this stuff? And by someone, I mean a mature (spiritually and emotionally) woman who can offer some insight and perspective. I'm all for blogging about our junk, but I also think it is critical to process this stuff with a mature friend who loves you unconditionally, and not just throw random thoughts out into the electronic world.
Hang in there.
the grizz,
Hey, thanks for the kind words regarding my response!
I will disagree with you on one point, though. I think words like "fuck" and "shit" can be very powerful, if used sparingly and for the right audience. Grizz, you're probably right if she's trying to communicate with a room full of PTA parents or the very English professors who gave you and I our degrees...but in the right context and with the right people, you can really hit a point home with the right four-letter proverbial word. Sometimes you need a throwing star...but man, sometimes you need an AK to get the job done right.
Don't mean to start a debate on the merits of profanity, just wanted to add my $.02.
Peace,
Justin
Kalla Dear,
Hang in there. You have the digits. I left ya a message last week. Just want to give you some space, but you know I'm always here little one. (Not little in the condescending form, but in the sister form) I love you...even when you say fuck. Let's say it together f u c k . I feel better and I'm supposedly an adult:)I agree with Justin!
Justin, the flame war begins right here, right now!
You're correct as you say that the proverbial F-bomb or other well placed colorful metaphor can add the essence to the meaning if used sparingly. I've just caught it being used a few too many times recently, not necessarily on this blog, but elsewhere as well.
And there really isn't a debate about this. I think we're on the same page about using the words the way we need to use them.
Your all probably right that I shouldn't have said the f word... but I am not going to apologize for how I felt or feel.
I know that I am not mature and I know that I have a lot of growing up to do... I KNOW! But I also know that I've had to be the bigger person in a lot of situations with a lot of different people who are a lot older than me. And sometimes that sucks... because I am still twenty and I want to be a twenty year old.
As for talking to someone about this... yes I have Steve. (Thanks for looking out for me.)
Today is a better day... and tomorrow will be even better... but you all will know why later! :) :) :) :) :) :)
Thanks everyone! :)
i *&#$ing hate cliffhangers, kalla. urgh.
:)
love you, glad things are going better...
Kalla,
I could say ditto for all that Justin said. Be a 19 year old.
Also, just wondering if you are still going through transitional stuff from moving and leaving friends and family? If you want to chat, let me know.
P.S. I found your website from Lori R. I'm trying to catch up with the blogging generation...I love reading and seeing where people are and what they are up to : - )
I say I hope you are feeling *&^%$ better and it was good to see your adorable *&^%$ face this weekend! I &^%$# miss you!! I agree. Go play in the *&^%$ sprinkler and chew on a bar of &^%$# soap. :)
to underscore your immaturity-punk meant something way before punk rock, little punk :)
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