I’m not going to lie… I am having a really hard time. The first week I was really impressed with myself… I didn’t get homesick and I didn’t have a melt down. I was doing well! Not so much for the second week.
Tonight started the Worship Leaders Boot Camp. Which is ninety some teenagers and young adults coming together to be equipped with the right tools on how to lead worship and just worship God. Sound exciting… yes?... Not for me! Today is my melt down… today was my melt down! I had been going strong for so long and today I just couldn’t take it.
Like I have said probably a million times… I don’t like people. It’s probably a really bad thing that I have taught myself, but I just don’t like BIG crowds (especially 100 people I don’t know) and I just don’t like to meet people.
Today I was put in charge of registration for the event. YES… I love to do those types of things but not so good for a girl who was on the edge of exploding…though I didn’t know it… I quickly became aware of it. I new my mood was changing. You know how you can just feel when your mood changes? I just wanted to escape… I wanted something that was familiar to me. I wanted my mom, I wanted my sisters, I wanted Brooke, I wanted my babies… and the worst part I couldn’t have any of them because there is ZERO cell phone coverage up here and they are too many miles a way from me. I needed them so bad. I just kept telling myself what all of them would have told me a million times, “I’m sorry. You’ll be okay.” Now those might be five easy words to say, but let me tell you something they mean a lot when I’m having a melt down.
These two weeks I’ve been through a lot. I’ve moved out of my wonderful house. I met an amazing guy. I’ve moved to a big ass city. I have a new room. I have a new life. I’ve met more people than I would have liked to have met. I’ve gone to Colorado. I’m in Colorado meeting more people that I would rather not meet (not because I don’t want to, but I am really sick of meeting people). I have been to a different climate that is really starting to bother me. I still have four days in a place where I would rather not be. The list could go on and on.
I’m really sick of people telling me what to do and what not to do. I’m not little. I’m an adult now… I know really hard to believe. But I need to make my own mistakes. I can’t learn from you trying to correct your mistakes with me. I want to make my own mistakes!
I’ve learned I don’t know who I am. Have you ever been somewhere that you’ve let define you? For so long I let the Vineyard define me. That’s who I was. I was the one everyone wanted to help with things… I was that “girl”. Now I am in a different city, with people who don’t know me, in a job that I really don’t know about and I don’t know what defines ME! Who am I? What do I do? What drives me?
This is a really big stretching point for me. I want someone to reach out to me… I want someone who will do things with me, but I don’t want to look for that person. I just want them to drop in my lap. And I have a feeling that just ain’t going to happen. I have a feeling that it is going to take everything I have to meet people.
It’s taking everything I have to stay. I really don’t want to stay. I want to go home. I want to see my family and friends. And I just don’t want to give up. Who ever said following God was easy!
7 comments:
Kalla,
I can't begin to imagine how you feel--except the missing part, because I really miss you too! I don't have enough words to try to comfort you but here is the best I got: "Have you prayed about it?" I know that I have asked you that for other things, but knowing you, you are trying to fix this problem yourself and you need help and who better to help than Him?
So..here is my advice...when you get back to Houston take time for yourself and go do something you enjoy. Call Chris and have a long conversation. Write in your journal. Call me if need be. But know this...this may suck now, but He will not give you something you can't handle and when the trouble is over something great is going to be on the other side!
Love ya!
Darlin,
I'm so sorry things aren't so dandy this week! Hang in there...it's ok to be overwhelmed and home-sick. Meeting people sucks, especially when you're job demands it. Sometimes to help my moodieness, i carry on conversations in my head. They aren't nice. It makes me smile. Just be careful not to have "outloud" thoughts:)
Love You,
Shi
remember bub, that God likes to stretch us really far. It hurts, is sometimes lonely, and we have a choice.
He loves you more than me and dad and everyone else.
I does hurt really bad to follow Christ.
But listen to him, not always in those big ways, but in the little ways.
love ya and miss ya too
wow. that doesn't sound easy at all... but it does sound like a great opportunity for you to learn, to look deeper and discover the person God made you to be. i wish i could give you a hug because i do know a little of what it's like to be homesick. but the self-discovery is a pretty exciting thing. stick with it, girl. you're tough. :) (and i can't wait to see you so i can see all that God is bringing to the surface as He works in your life during this time!)
Oh Kalla. I am so sorry! This is the toughest thing to go through because you are stuck going through it alone. I am praying for you. I wish I could give you a big hug friend. I love you!
It sucks that your cell isn't working because what I really want to do is call you.
But since I can't..this is what I'd say live.
HOLD ON! Just hold on...it's going to get better even though it sucks right now. You are stronger than this!!!!
I love you,
B
"I can’t learn from you trying to correct your mistakes with me."
That statement hit me like a ton of bricks - it's one of the most insightful things I've read lately.
I hope things are looking up. We miss you terribly!
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