I don’t know who I am.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what drives me.
I don’t feel loved.
I know that there are a million people that love and care for me, but what I mean by love is to feel that love. It’s weird because I can say that I am loved by God I know that so much, but my heart still longs for more… what? I don’t know. I am still searching.
I don’t feel beautiful.
Before you say anything… I know that I am beautiful. But have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, “WOW! I am beautiful!”? I do it all the time. But the minute some one tells me I am beautiful I deny it. I think this goes a long with the loved thing. I know the times in my life when I have felt loved I feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and when I feel not loved... I feel ugly.
I feel alone.
I had an amazing thing that I had to let go… now I’m alone and sad.
I think in this very moment I love God so much, but am very mad at him.
I love God because he has directed my life, but at the same time I am so mad at him. I don’t know why he does the things he does. I couldn’t even begin to explain God to you, but sometimes you just have to do what he is telling you… even when it really really sucks!
I don’t know if it’s a curse or a gift, but I fall way too easy for guys.
I have this problem… and I really do think it’s a problem… I fall for the guys who I think are attractive and give me the attention that I need. I normally fall really hard, but somewhere in that process I see who they are… even if they don’t show me that side of them. I see who they are to become and what God wants to do with them.
I want a drink in this moment.
In this very moment a beer would be GREAT. Maybe I could get some sleep…?
I want to smoke.
I don’t smoke, but every time I see someone smoking or smell it I want one. That’s it really… no significant reason.
If I didn’t have a concise and God wasn’t in my life I would be out sleeping around with guys and possibly pregnant at this moment.
I’ve tasted it… and when you’ve had it it’s really hard to go with out it. I’m struggling.
I don’t deserve you. I didn’t deserve you.
I can’t apologize enough for what I’ve done. But you have taught me that I deserve the best. I don’t deserve to be tossed around. I deserve to be placed on a pedestal. Thank you for teaching me about me. Thank you for loving me and thank you for being so wonderful. I didn’t deserve you. I don’t deserve you.
13 comments:
grow up and quit griping!your complaining is getting old
you know, anonymously being a jerk is getting old...
i can relate to a lot of this post. other than the smoking thing. :) a couple of different guys came into the coffeehouse last night with cigarettes, all lit up and smoking away. it was fun. :) wish you were here... seriously though, i can relate to how things that i know would be unhealthy for me suddenly look really appealing when i'm down. give your heart a chance to pull through some of the sadness and stuff like that, and hopefully it will be less of an issue for you...
love you truly, kalla...
anonymous, if you don't like Kalla's "complaining", then don't read her blog. kalla, i don't think you're complaining, things are just a little tough right now and i completely understand. hang in there and i will keep praying for you.
Kalla,
There is a difference between complaining and processing through stuff to a place of growth and greater maturity. Don't be dissuaded. You are on the right track in not shying away from the stuff that is on your heart and mind. We all process it differently. If blogging works for you, stay with it. And hang in there in Houston. Adventures lie ahead! Take it from a lady who has been through similar times of growth and adventure with cross country moves...
Honestly, I don't feel the freedom to blast anonymous people on my blog, but I feel complete freedom to do it on Kalla's. :)
Have the courage to attach your name to a comment or please remain silent. Your cowardness as an anonymous commenter makes you sad and pathetic. You're not some kind of hero who should be commended for putting people in their place. Your words are cruel, and no good comes from them.
"Growing up" is facing your junk and attacking it head on (as Kalla is doing), not being a little punk on someone's blog.
Maybe you should keep reading Kalla's blog...you might learn something. And if we ever meet in person, Bragg and I will fight you.
Hooooooot pockets!
Kalla, your friends are all very proud of you. And so is God.
I love you all!!! Thank you for the encouragement.
I had basically written exactly what Steve did and then my battery died. Anonymous...bug off.
Kalla, it is killing me to know you are hurting, but (and here comes the part you won't like but you know I would say it to you live given the chance) you have to go through this. You have to go through it so you can mature to a higher level. Life is easy to take for granted if it's always easy, always just the way we want it. Sometimes you have to hurt, miss, be angry, cry and fight just to see the beauty of the other side. It sucks....and it hurts I know. But I am so excited to see what's on the other side for you!!
I love you. I hate Estes or Denver or wherever the hell you are that your cell phone doesn't work.
B
First,
If "Anonymous" wants to pick on someone, great, look in the mirror! Who needs to grow up? Don't read her blog then! Grow some balls and admit to who you really are. It's sad that you need to stay un-named just to come back later and see the kind of attention you get...Pathetic!
Kall dear,
I love you! Your wonderful friends love you! I will only say what I used to say when you were younger...Some days are good, some days are bad. You make mistakes, you learn from them, but you need not have regrets. You have life lessons that show you where and how you are blessed, who you can trust and who will stand in the gap for you. You may not always know who you are, but Whose you are.
Love You!
Shi
Kalla,
I am proud of you. You wrote things that were probably tough to say and you have a right to fell hat you are feeling and who better to share it with than your friends! Along with what B said, I know you have to go through this because Houston holds answers for you and I believe that you are going to know who you are and what you are by the end of the summer!
I love you and miss you!
Ditto to it all... B told me about your struggles, and although it pains me to see you hurt, I am so excited to see how you are going to grow and mature if you have the courage to stick with it! When it all seems sad, write encouraging things on your mirror with dry erase marker. :)
Confession is a good thing - RIGHT? Yes it really is a good thing because it is the start of asking for forgiveness from the One who doesn't look for your failures but exalts your victories. He is one that will wipe away the tears for all the outward hurts that you cry for and all the inward hurts that so agonize you. You are in the same league as King David that cried out to God so many times and yet God called him "a man after God's heart". Growing up is really a BITCH!!! Sometimes it really, really SUCKS!!! But it also has tremendous times of greatness that we could never experience as a child. Many of the things you talked about "wanting" are things that you think will fill some void and possibly lessen the pains and hurts you are feeling, but I'm telling you as one who has experienced trying to do the same thing (both past and present and probably again in the future), you will NOT find anything or anyone that will completely fulfill the ever present deep down gutting tightening need that only Jesus Christ himself can fill. Period. You can search and search and search, but there will always be something missing and not quite right. Christ is the Right One. Now I'll be the first to say that I can't give you a treasure map and show you how to get to the "X" where the treaure is located, but I can encourage you to keep "finding your own faith" and wrestle with what God is telling you both through His Word and through His Spirit. If you seek Him with ALL your heart, He will surely let you find Him. And when you do, it will be worth all the past, present and future suffering.
I love ya' Bubba.
It is in these moments, when we begin to question our very being that we feel reduced to nothing. That is when we are most vunerable to God to work in our lives. I hope then that you make yourself for God to work in your life.
~Nayt~
Nayt is right. his strenght is made perfect in our weakness
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