A look back at 2005

As I sit and remember 2005 I can’t believe how far I have come. I don’t know whether it was a good year or a bad year. I think I have had worse years though. This year I have had up and downs. Good days and bad days. But overall I can say that this has been a great year.

The biggest thing for me this year was moving out of my parent’s house. I have realized that I am my own person and I have my own opinions. Don’t get me wrong the things that my parents have taught me are good foundations but now I just have to build the rest. I don’t know about many of you but when you first move out of your parent’s house it’s a little weird. For me I came out of a house full of nine people and shared a bedroom with two sisters. The house was never quiet. And I moved into a house having a room all to myself and there not being that much noise. WHAT A DIFFERENCE. That transition for me was very difficult. Not that I liked the noise but for 18 years of my life I had lived with noise. And over night it changed like that.

Another thing that happened this year for me was the time I have spent with God. I have always written in a journal but it would be very random. But this year I really wanted to dig into God and spend quality time with him. It was very hard at first to do. I had to make it very intentional (which I never really liked because I think that spending time with God should just be natural.) But after a while it became normal. And something cool for me, I filled up a journal. I have never done that. It seems like each year I would just start a new journal and fill a couple pages and start over on a different one the next year.

I started a new job in July. I don’t know if that was a good thing or not. I started working full time (intentionally) for the first time. That was and still is a very hard adjustment. Having responsibilities are always very hard. But I think that I have done very well. Its been hard because over half my team have left or are getting ready to leave and just the change is something that I thought I could deal with but as each person has left its just gotten harder.

And last but not least. I decided to go to college. WOW! I am still shocked. I start in 3 days and I am excited and nervous. I had a tuff week trying to figure out school financially. I thought I was going to have to drop my classes, but some how God came through. And he has just shown me some amazing things.

I guess I can call this year of change. And I survived? WOW! I do not like change but I guess that is one thing that has changed this year! Here's to another year of change!

Happy New Years!

Believe

This morning I woke up an hour and a half before my alarm was supposed to go off. Isn’t that the worst? Nope! The worst part is when you can’t go back to bed. I was hot so I turned on the fan. I was cold so I covered up. I tossed and turned, tossed and turned, tossed and turned. It was a never ending cycle. I wanted to get up and get ready, but what if in two seconds I would go to sleep? So I stayed in bed miserable…because all I wanted to do was sleep for another hour.

I used to wake up all the time around 6. Almost two hours before I was supposed to get up and I would always pray. So after a half an hour of turning I started praying asking God if there was anything that he wanted me to know. I started praying simple prayers when I heard the word “believe”. “Believe in what” I asked? "Believe in Me and You."

Okay at that moment I was a little confused…I will admit it. I understood the believe in You part. I don’t believe in myself. I never think that I am good enough. I never think that I can do anything.

But what about the believing in Me part? I didn’t get it. I sat there very confused… very very confused! What do you mean I don’t believe in You? I sat there shocked. Does God think that I don't believe in him? As I sat there I felt like he was telling me that I don’t believe what he is capable of. WHAT? I know what he was capable of. I know that he can do anything. I knew that he was capable of doing anything but I didn’t believe that he was capable of doing anything for me.

But let me tell you this day has proved me wrong. There have been a lot of little things that he has shown me to remind me that he does things everyday for me. They might be big they might be small, but they are things just for me.

I pray that all of you will believe in Him and yourself. Believe that you can do great things. Believe that no matter what you do you are still loved by Him. And most importantly believe in Him.

Wearing the mask

Do you ever feel like locking yourself in your room and everything you get your hands on ripping it apart or throwing it against the wall? And crying till there are no more tears? And to do all that for absolutely no good reason?

Nothing has happened in the past couple days that would even make want me to do that. In fact these past couple of days have been great! But I do think when I don’t have anything to do I start putting my self down. I start realizing everything I could do better. I start replaying everything that I’ve done wrong. Why I don’t deserve to be happy? Why I deserve to be happy? I start thinking about the future and what the hell I’m going to do. I think of how bad of a person I am.

How can we always remember the bad things in our lives and forget the happy things? Or is that just me?

This is really bad and not a good habit. But I have learned to cover up myself when I am not good physically or emotionally. I know how to make you think that I am having a great day. I know how to put on a smile when deep down all I want to do is scream in your face. I guess you could say I know how to wear the mask.

I just don’t want people to ask me a million questions, but at the same time I expect everyone to know that I am having a shitty day; just don’t ask questions. Sometimes my head is so messed up. There are very few people that know that about me…my parents don’t even understand that about me.

Sometimes I can’t explain why I feel the way I do.

Thank You Santa

So I wanted to post on Christmas but I was so shocked I had no idea what to say. I had the best Christmas EVER!!! I knew that this Christmas was going to be good, but I didn’t expect it to be this good. This year Santa visited me and gave me over twenty gifts.

Here is everything I got from Santa:
-a make-up bag with a pink “breast cancer awareness” bracelet, Chap Stick and pink nail polish.
-new Sharpies!!! (Now for anyone who doesn’t know me…I am in love with Sharpies, I don’t ever use them, but I love to have them…I have over 50 of them…They make me happy. J)
-a luffa that changes colors along with body wash and three pink nail polishes.
-a cool new shirt (and it’s pink)
-a pink sweater with a scarf and a hat
-a real SLINKY!! (not a plastic one)
-phase ten (only one person in my house had ever heard of it! Do you know what Phase Ten is?)
-a vintage CD of Dane Cook (me loves me some Dane Cook ;) and somehow South Park got on it…?)
-a red tin filled with blow pops
-a cool pink belt
-glow in the dark stars
-a pink princess phone
-graeter's gift cards (the best ice cream in the world)
-a letter from Santa (very personal)
(if I forgot anything and I know that I have…I am sorry)

I don’t know who or why someone would do this for me, but whoever is Santa, THANK YOU!!! I don’t know if I can explain how much all of that meant to me. And for all of you that took part in it, I am sorry that you didn’t get to see my face when I saw all those gifts.

Here's a picture!

Our Leaders

I have always heard this but I had never seen it until recently. We as people expect our leaders to live up to some weird and crazy expectation. We expect them to never speed, or smoke or drink or curse or be human. We think since they are “leaders” that they should be perfect. (and as you read that you might think, “no I know that they aren’t perfect” but YOU DO EXPECT THEM TO BE PERFECT!)

I have worked in a church for three years and all my close friends are in a leadership position at a church and I see it continually with them. Everyone expects so much from them. They expect them to know so much and do so much. But guess what? They have feelings and struggles just like any one of us. And sometimes I think that they have it harder.

I don’t know about you but I think that our leaders are doing a hell of a job! I know that I don’t know what its like to be in a high position of leadership but I do know that it can suck the life right out of you. It’s a very demanding job. Half the leaders I know still work full time job outside of churches. And I don’t know about you, but after working a full day the last thing I want to do is go home and work on more work that I don’t even get paid for. But that’s the best part. They don’t care about money as much as they care about doing what God has called them to do.

So next time you see a leader thank them for what they do. Don’t be too quick to judge them because they said shit or you saw them smoking, because at judgment day they will be judged just like you.

To all the leaders I know who have stepped out in faith to do what God has called them to do! You are doing an awesome job. Please continue to do what God has called you to do!

Scrooge?

I know this is going to sound bad… but I don’t really like Christmas. I love celebrating Jesus’ birth but how did we get to celebrating Christmas with Santa Clause and gifts and lights?

I grew up not believing in Santa Clause. I don’t think my parents ever told us there wasn’t but they never told us there was one either. We always knew why we celebrated Christmas because of Jesus’ Birth. It’s never been a tradition but every year I remember my dad reading the story of Jesus’ birth before we would open gifts.

I mean who really thinks about Jesus’ birth while they are out shopping? Or while they are putting up the Christmas tree? Or decorating the house? I just think we miss the meaning of Christmas so much. What if we didn’t give gifts one year? What if we went out on Christmas day downtown and handed out hot chocolate or breakfast or something to all those people who are alone at Christmas?

I love my family and I love spending time with that but that is one time I hate spending with them. This year will be different, but normally our Christmas would consist of waking up at 6:00am (some ungodly hour) taking an hour or two to open gifts and then mom making lunch, everyone eating lunch, and then everyone going there separate ways.

Growing up and being home schooled I spent everyday at home with my family. I didn’t and don’t want to spend more time with my family on holidays. I am guessing it might be different for you. Holiday’s were special days because you did stay at home and spent it with your family. Holidays were bad for me because I stayed home and had to spend it with my family. (I know that might sound bad like I don’t love my family…but I really do you just have to understand that for 8 years I spent everyday at home with my family)

Okay back to the point. We decorate the house, put up a Christmas tree, put up lights, and buy gifts for what? Just to take them down in three weeks? Just to spend a whole lot of money to buy gifts for family and friends? I mean we all do this and come the 26th of December the lights come down, the trees get put back in boxes or thrown out side, sometimes gifts get forgotten. Its like Christmas never happened.

Maybe I am just being a Scrooge?

The high

Coming down off of a high…

I have never done drugs but for me being really stressed out and having two minutes to get something done is very exciting. That feeling of “holy shit I have two minutes.”

Last night we had our preview event for D’Vine. I put together all the tech stuff and I loved it. When I used to work in Student Ministries it was a regular thing. I was always in charge of making sure everything was running and everyone knew what was happening and when. It has been six months since I have had that feeling and let me tell you it was AMAZING! ( ;) )

I know this is a very weird feeling so I am going to try and explain it. I always know that everything is working. I have checked my work 600 times. I know the video plays. I know the music works. I know the PPT works. I know it all. But for some reason there is always that fear. What if it doesn’t work when I need it to? What if right before something gets unplugged and I don’t know what happened? (That has happened before)

But for some odd reason I think that fear is what drives me in those moments. I have done this over 200 times and things have gone wrong maybe 5 times. In the end everything works out. And most of the time nobody knows that something went wrong but YOU (me)!

It’s so different for me though. I mean have you ever been in a service and the don’t change the PPT right away and your looking around like come on? Or the video plays but no sound? Maybe because I know all of that stuff when I see it I think, “Oh man that sucks.” When something doesn’t play right or go the way that you had expected you freak out and the whole service was bad. Even if one thing went wrong and nobody knew it… it was a bad service for you because you have failed at your job. (I am saying you a lot but I really mean me.)

But that high right before you are supposed to do something is the best in the world. Your heart feels like it is beat 1000 times a minute. I imagine a lot of you have felt this before in different situations. Maybe right before you are supposed to speak or maybe right before you are supposed to go lead worship? I think we all have that high just in different situations.

I guess I just wish I could experience that high a lot more.

My to do list

I've had some serious posts lately. So I thought I would have a little fun with this one...

So here is my To Do list! :)

1. Dane Cook- if you have never heard of him check him out! But I did warn you (that was your warning! HAHA!)














2. Wentworth Miller

3. Patrick Dempsey


















4. Chad Michael Murray

Question time

How far do you think God will go to get our attention?

Will he physically hurt us to make us see things? Will he kill someone close to us for us to see him? Will he take everything from us?

How far will God go to bring back his children?

Looking forward?

Someone asked me the other day have I been getting my praise on. This hasn’t been the easiest week to do it. I have tried but I don’t think that I have done a very good job. I have been on an emotional roller coaster.

I’m nervous and scared. I’m happy and sad. I’m busy and bored. I’m tired. I’m not. I’m mad and hurt. I laugh. I cry. I have fun. I want to go to heaven. I’m hungry but can’t eat. And in all of that I can’t seem to find a middle. The worst part I have myself to blame for it all. I could have prevented all those feelings, but sometimes I am just not that smart.

Have you ever hated someone so much but love them at the same time? Have you wanted to protect them so much that in the process you hurt yourself? Have you ever felt like you cared about someone way too much? Have you ever felt like driving somewhere far far away and screaming for hours? Have you ever felt like you could just cry for hours if you let yourself? Have you ever been mad at God?

I know that we all have felt at least one of those before, but have you ever felt all those in one day? Yeah can you imagine just wanting to pull your hair out?
I am trying to hold on. I’m trying to look toward the end. But come on…who looks toward the end when they are going through difficult times. How do you even do that when you don’t know what it looks like?