Here is why it is so hard for me:
I am a control freak. Especially when it comes to my life. I want to know what's going on, when its going on, how's it going to happen. I love control. It makes me feel wanted and needed and special (to know everything). But I don't want to be that type of person. Here is an example:
You all know about SOS (if you don't know check it out). Well the first night I had this video that I had spent 24 or more hours on. And I knew that it was a great video and it was going to be a great start to the beginning of SOS. So hours before SOS was supposed to begin I started getting really nervous and scared. Nervous and scared because I was afraid that some how my video was going to get screwed up. And I have great friends who tried to tell me other wise (but it didn't really help). And to me this was a big thing. The first video that I had ever done to show in the main stage and to over 200 people! Well seconds before the video was supposed to play I had finally calmed down. I had gotten over everything... Now imagine this with me. Countdown: 5.4.3.2.1 (video supposed to play) NO VIDEO PLAYED! Actually the wrong video played a couple seconds into it... I about screamed so loud. I actually said some not nice things! But that doesn't matter... And that's not the point. The point is I trusted those people to play my video. I trusted those people because they did it every weekend. I gave them the biggest thing in my life at that moment! So how do you expect me to give everything over to God? If it so hard for me to give other people things like a stupid video?
I know that I tell God all the time... "I give you my life. Everything that's mine is yours." But the thing is I really don't! Yeah I may give him some of my life but not all. Only the part that I don't want to get messed up. Only the easy parts of my life. and that is so messed up! I don't want to be this person who is scared anymore. I don't want to be this person who tries to control everything (I know that I am not as bad as some people) but I don't want to be more of a control freak. I want to be spontaneous. I want to take risks! I don't want to be scared of failure!
Its so easy for me to just take care of my own life but the thing is it sucks. There is no joy in it. There is nothing that makes you happy because you expect everything that is going to happen. I don't ever want to live that kind of life ever again. But how do I not turn back to that?
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