Trust. What is it? I don't know what trust is and I don't know what it looks like.
If you are a women and you are ready this I am sorry if I might offend you but this is what I think so get over it. :)
I think women are bitches! (I am not saying this because some woman was mean to me..I am saying this because it has been my observation) They are mean and back stabbers and rude and always want things their way. They always gossip. (and if you say "I don't I don't"...You do...We all do!) I think there is always competition when I am around women. And even if you don't say that you are better than other women, you always think it. I don't know why she is wearing those shoes, why didn't anyone ever tell her that makes her look fat? Or why is he with her she is so ugly? You may not say those things but you say things along those lines. Hurtful things behind there backs.
And you wonder why I don't trust women? I have only trusted a couple women in my life and I am so thankful for them. All of them have left some impact on my life and I love each one of them because of it!
Now I am not about to blame this on my mom but I do think alot of this has to do with not having a good relationship with my mom. And I can say that I am to blame for it too. I never stepped up and tried to have a mother-daughter relationship with her. I remember when I was younger and I would always hang out at my best friends house, her mom was so cool. She would always talk about her and her mom going out to the mall together, always having deep conversations and I always remember wishing that my mom was like that. I would pray "God please let me and my mom be closer let us be able to hang out and talk like Krista (that was my best friend) and her mom." I remember calling my mom names numerous times while I was writing in my journal. I was never close to my mom and I don't know if thats because she never took the time to be a friend or if she was just too busy with other things either way I was her daughter and she should have made an effort to be my friend.
I know I think every woman is going to be like my mom, but what I have realized by these few women that I do trust is that not every woman is mean or rude or a bitch. The thing is when ever you get around a woman they always want to talk about deep stuff and I am just not that type of girl. It takes me a long time to trust you and I am only going to trust you if I like you and I am only going to like you if you aren't a bitch. For me first impressions are everything. If i don't like you when I first meet you chances are I won't ever like you. I like to say that my guard is up very high!!! And I am not proud to say that. I wish that I could trust people because I think it would be very good for me but how do I do that? How do I drop my guard without being hurt? I guess its a risk I have to take. I am taking a risk in getting hurt but I would rather take a risk to get to know someone then sit back and maybe miss out on a great person.
So i guess what I am trying to say is that I don't trust people. And that makes me sad. But you know the hard part is that when you don't trust anyone how do you expect to trust God? I don't know how to trust anyone and I don't know especially how to trust God? If I can't trust people how do I expect to trust God, someone that I can't see or hear or touch? Its a big struggle for me everyday. To trust that God has everything under his control, to trust that God is with me, to trust that God listens to me. But like I said in a previous post: if I have to struggle to learn some hard things that's okay with me and I think in the end it will all be worth it.
God help me to Trust you. Help me to trust others. Show me how to trust.
6 comments:
i can understand what you're saying, especially regarding the competition thing. it can be really hard to get past that petty stuff... but just a thought... i've noticed that at times when my friendships with other women are lacking, my relationships with guys get really skewed and screwed up. i think we need balance. there's definitely a reason why God put both genders here! but that's just my 2 cents. :)
I seem to be in a yo-yo relationship with my mother...fight her....love her....fight her... love her. I find myself turning it over to God more than I would like. I'd love for it to be better. Here's some things I've done in the past that have helped (use 'em or lose 'em, but know they are given with care for you). I made her a Mother's Day card(Hallmark was missing the mark) and listed all the things that I DID like about her. It was weird how God used that. My attention began to redirect to those things instead of the hurts of the past (those are in the past and you can't change a thing about them). I also stopped the cyclical arguements and set some boundaries. She didn't like it. We didn't talk for almost a year. Those boundaries have not been crossed again. And now, I try to put myself in a vulnerable place to love her and receive her love. It frequently hurts, because the love that she gives out is crippled and distorted by her past (and her mother's past and her mother's past...). Now I know I have to pray against generational sin, and I have to pray that God's purpose for her will be fulfilled; that she will freely receive His love and truth. Kalla, it's been a long road and not an easy one, but I believe that I have to work through this to make room for God's purpose in my mother's life, my life, my relationships, and my future family.
Keep writing. It's great to read!!
Thanks girls!
But here's the thing Candyce- I always get along with guys. I don't have issues with guys (they are great human beings! :)) I have always found myself to be more open with men. I have always had friends that are guys...I get along with them better. But i think that is because my dad was an awesome dad! I am definently a daddy's little girl! :-D
that wasn't what i meant... i meant that i tend to be a bit more clingy, because i'm leaning on them a bit more than perhaps i should... love you kalla!
I see what you mean...
Hey Kalla - I see a lot of parallels between your relationship with your mom and mine with both of my parents. God has been asking me to face these for a long time, to offer forgiveness so that I can be free. I was in rebellion over that for as long as he has been asking until recently. Within the past year, I obeyed what he was asking me to do (basically face the issues, offer forgiveness, and ASK forgiveness for my resentment and bitterness), and I have seen him do so much in my heart since then that is really improving my other relationships and, I believe, preparing me for my marital relationship, future mother-child relationships, etc.(whenever they may come along!). So, this may have just been what God knew I needed, but I guess I just wanted to offer up that your own insight into the part your relationship with your mom plays into some of these "trust issues" in your life may be something to lift up to God, asking God is there anything left that is binding me from these early relationships? I am so glad that I did!
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