Sweetly Broken

Sweetly Broken Wholly Surrendered
Let’s look at what these four words mean.

sweetly
a : pleasing to the mind or feelings : AGREEABLE, GRATIFYING -- often used as a generalized term of approval b : much loved : DEARbroken

broken
: violently separated into parts : SHATTERED2 a : made weak or infirm b : subdued completely : CRUSHED 3 a : cut off : DISCONNECTED b : imperfectly spoken or written 4 : not complete or full

wholly
: to the full or entire extent : COMPLETELY 2 : to the exclusion of other things : SOLELY

surrendered
1 a : to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand b : to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another2 a : to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner b : to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)

What was that all about?

Let me explain. I heard a new song this week by Jeremy Riddle called Sweetly Broken. And let me tell you it is sweet. It has been the only song I have listened to for two days straight.

At the cross you beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees
I am lost for words, so lost in love
I am sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

I am sweetly broken, wholly surrendered. I am loved so much by the One that he breaks me so sweetly. So what else can you do when He sweetly breaks you beside wholly surrender?

This song has seriously put me on an emotional high with Him. I am reminded how much I have been given and how much He has surrendered. So to show my great fullness I am wholly surrendered. He died for you and for me. He beckons us to His thrown. He is a God of love and just who gently draws us to our knees. He doesn’t ever command us to our knees but by his love he draws us to our knees and into His life. I am lost for the right words to say to him. And I am completely lost in his love. I hope he knows how much I mean it when I say, “I Love You.” Because that seems to be the only thing that really describes how I feel.

I hope that God never stops “sweetly breaking” me. I hope I never have to go a day with out his love. Not only me, but I hope that for all of you, for everyone out there. I pray that from this day on that that you are sweetly broken and I pray that you are wholly surrendered to Him.

This gift that we have been given is so priceless and so undeserved. Don't forget to go a day with out thanking the One that gave you this gift. For dying for your life, for dying for my life.

At the cross you have beckon me, you draw me gently to my knees and I am lost for words so lost in love. I am sweetly broken, wholly surrendered!

I can't say anything else but I am so in love.

My phobia

I hate school. Not the work but the actually buildings. They scare me and I can’t really tell you why. I really wanted to go see one of my friends Orchestra concerts once and I did. But I sat in my car for 15 minutes before we went in because I was so scared. I think I seriously have a phobia of schools… what would you call that?

As most of you know I am getting ready to go to college (yeah schools freak me out, colleges are worse) and I needed to find out some stuff about enrolling. So my nice older brother thought it would be a good idea if we went to the school. WHAT? Go to the school? Are you crazy? He was laughing at me just like everyone else does. As we were driving I was really nervous and scared. What could happen? I don’t know. When we got there I was sweating and my hands were sweating and I was playing with my keys inside my jacket because I was so nervous. Nobody can understand and I don’t expect people too. It’s just a fear that I need to get over.

Recently I had to go back to that school to take a test and this time I had to go by myself. I was so scared. And this time it was because two things, one I had to go to the school and two I had to take a test. After I walked into the building my fear of the school went away but not my fear of talking the test. I had to be there at 5:45 to fill out papers and the test started at 6:00. I knew what classroom it was but I wasn’t for sure where it was located. I found it pretty easy. So I was there ten minutes early waiting with everyone else outside the class for the teacher to show. I tried to play a game on my phone to keep my mind off of the test… worked for a little.

I don’t know why I get so scared about test but I have a good idea... Being home schooled. The only major test I ever took when I was in school at the end of the year called an Iowa Basic Test. What scared me about this test that I had to take was I had to write and essay. :-O! Now I know I write on here a lot but it is very different. I don’t read and comprehend things very well and that’s what they were asking me to do. Read an article and then write what I thought about it.

I guess I hate home schooling so much because people never saw it as being legit.
People make fun of the fact that I was home schooled. I couldn’t help the fact that I was home schooled, I had no choice, so don’t judge me or make fun of me! I didn’t like home schooling and I can make fun of it all I want but please don’t make fun of me because of a decision I couldn’t not control. I wanted to go back to school every year but I had no choice the control was out of my hands. There are people who were jealous of me because I was home schooled and then there were people who were mean because they didn’t think home schooling was “school.” But what defines school?

I can certainly say that I did what I needed to graduate. Maybe I didn’t have to do projects or write papers all the time but I think I did all that I needed to do.

I feel very unprepared for the journey that is coming. I am very excited for school but very scared. I don’t know how to do projects. I’ve never really had to do any. I don’t write papers very well. I don’t think I have ever really studied. I don’t know what it is like to be taught or have a teacher. You can say that my mom was my teacher but when it really came down to it, all she did was grade my stuff.

I don’t expect all this to be easy, I actually expect it to be very difficult and challenging. But I am ready! I am ready to be challenged and I’m ready to grow.
I don’t even know what any of this is going to look like… I am just following Him.

Being Home schooled

Have you ever done something that you hated but are so glad you did it? Home schooling! I would never recommend it but it was the best thing that I think my parents have done for me.

I was home schooled from grades 5th-12th. I would say those were the best years and the worst years for me. I hated home schooling…1) because I was never self motivated enough 2) I was so stubborn that even when my mom yelled at me I still didn’t want to do my work 3) try to be around your family 24/7 4) my mom was never just a mom 5) I never had friends my own age and if I did then they weren’t home schooled.

Now I like to think that I am a self-motivated person with some things but school was not one of them. I could easily sit down in front of the computer and figure out a new game or a new program but when it came down to figure out my schoolwork…NO WAY! I have to say that I would give up so much on my schoolwork. A lot of the time I would cheat because my mom couldn’t help me or if I asked for help she would yell at me because I should know the answer. (Well if I knew the answer do you think that I would be asking you for help?)

Being stubborn is one word to describe me. I may not come across like that to some people but just wait till you get to know me. I don’t like to do stuff because I was told to. That got me in trouble a lot growing up but you can imagine on top of schoolwork what happened…ten times worse. And I never understood why we had to go to school. Couldn’t people just decide if they wanted to go to school or not? I mean if they wanted to go to school then they would go. What’s the point in school…(don’t lecture me about it I know what the point is…but that’s what I thought growing up)?

Have you ever gone home for a get together or for a family dinner and thought I can’t wait to get out of there? And then you finally get out and you realize how lucky you are to be out of there. Well yeah that’s what it was like for me for 7 years. 7 years of hell! I love my family don’t get me wrong, but being around them all the time really gets to after a while. They are not only your classmates but also your siblings and friends. It’s so crazy! And on top of that you have a mom who is trying to be a teacher, a mother, and a wife. Doesn’t leave much room to be a friend.

There was no social life. Yes my family was very fortunate to be in co-op (its like a day of school someplace with a whole bunch of other home school families). I don’t know how many of you have met our next-door neighbors but that’s what it was like at co-op, those same types of kids. Most of the families had been home schooled since kindergarten so going to co-op was a BIG deal to them. I wish I hadn’t been like this but I always thought that I was better than all of them…and I let them know that. I was so stuck up (maybe that’s why I never became friends with them…not that I wanted to anyways). All my friends growing up I met through the church and all of them went to school. A lot of the time I couldn’t relate to them because I didn’t really know what they were talking about. And I was afraid to ask because that might make me look stupid.

All that to say I wouldn’t change it for anything. There were so many opportunities that I got from being home schooled. I got my first job at 15 and it was amazing. I got to work at an OB clinic. I got to go on so many vacations with different people. I got to spend the night at peoples house on weeknights. I woke up every day around 9 and sit around and watch TV all day. (I was a night owl…so I always did my school at like 1 AM). And I learned so many things about life. I got to experience what happens when your family is in debt and when your dad loses his job for over a year. I got to see God provide in amazing ways.

Yeah maybe I had some really ruff days, but I think in the end I turned out good.

Funny story:
At my graduation… there were eight of us who graduated. We all decided that we didn’t want a speaker. And majority (not me) decided that we should speak, say a couple things about what we learned…blah blah blah. As you know I am not a speaker AT ALL! I don’t think that there is a speaker bone in my body.

I didn’t know what I was going to say the night before graduation. So my wonderful and smarter older sister made me flash cards…did she think I would use those? So we’re there one by one they all get up and talk about how thankful they are to their parents and how great they are and how much they loved school…lalala (you get the point). And its my turn. I get up there and I am crying (go figure). I can’t remember one thing I am supposed to say. I have played with my flash cards so much I don’t even know if I can read them. And the first thing out of my mouth is, “I hated school!” and everyone started laughing. It was true and they all knew it. I could have gotten up there and said school was so great but that would have been a complete lie.

Thats the end to my funny story! :)

More to all this soon…
There is a point to all this. I just don’t want to make it extremely boring!

The comfortable state

Sometimes we just get too comfortable in our current state. But are you happy in that state?

I’m not happy with just being comfortable. I’m not happy with just trying to get by with what I am doing day to day. I want to learn and have adventure in my life. I want to grab a hold of my life not hold its finger. I want excitement, frustration, and stress (yes I am crazy.)

This week I have been house sitting in West Chester and its beautiful there. I love it there…but its comfortable there. I grew up around there. I am comfortable and familiar there and that’s the problem.

I just don’t want to get too comfortable with my life that I forget about God. And I think that’s what happens sometimes to all of us. We get so comfortable working 9-5 and then going home eating dinner, talking with our family and then off to bed. Where is the excitement? We get stuck in these routines. I get up at the exact time each day. I take a shower a certain way each day. I get dressed before I blow-dry my hair. I start work off the same way every day…all because it’s comfortable. Heaven forbid we get off our asses and do something completely different tomorrow!

Just don’t get to comfortable with your life like I have.

Not so great a second time

I have felt bad before…but never this bad! Lets just say Skyline isn’t good a second time.

The morning started of fine. I felt fine…actually I felt great. So at lunch I was hungry and decided to get Skyline. It was good…but I felt so nauseas afterward. At first I thought I was just making it up, so I waited an hour. Then it didn’t get any better so I decided to go home. I came home and slept for a couple hours…that was the first sign that I really didn’t feel good…and then my stomach hurt so bad. I tried to take Pepto-Bismol but that’s what started the downfall… I spent the next three hours in the bathroom! :( I don’t think there is anything left in my stomach, but I guess I really won’t know that till I feel better. :( I won't tell you the details...I'll let you use your imagination! ;)

Cheap ass life

Ever feel like crap as a person? These past couple of weeks have been very crazy for me and crappy in some ways. I sit at Panera at the moment and I can’t help but cry. I have in so many ways messed up my life so much. And I know that everyone messes up their life and you are all going to try to tell me that its okay we all do it, but please please don’t tell me that.

I am sick of people trying to tell me it’ll be okay just so I will feel better. Guess what it doesn’t really work. It just makes me feel worse about myself because I am not that good of a person. Just tell me that it might be hard for a while. Tell me that at some points I might want to give up. Tell me at some points I might feel like crap. But don’t tell me that it will be okay.

I think I have lost sight of what God wants for me. I think I have taken control of my life. And it makes me so sad. This morning at church we read Galatians 5.

18Why don't you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence? 19It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; 20trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; 21the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.

Could that explain my life anymore?

I think I have written about all this before and if I have I am sorry. But it is something that is a constant struggle for me. I struggle with removing me from the picture and adding God. We all want the million-dollar life and instead I have settled for the cheap ass life. I have settled for happiness for a second. I want happiness for a lifetime. I want a lifetime of joy and laughter.

22But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard--things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, 23not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.
(Galatians)

Oh God I want to live life your way. I want to live life with you. I want to be consumed with your love and beauty. I want to be all that you have made me to be and more. I want to stop living for me and live for you.

I was talking to a friend about this just a little bit ago. And he asked me what makes me live by my way- my control, the fact that I can control everything that happens, my emotions, and my thoughts. I get myself in so much trouble because of what I think sometimes…I can’t even imagine how you guys do it. And he asked me what I was going to do about it? I didn’t know. I know that I need God’s help. And I know that I need to ask someone else to help me, to keep me accountable. I know that I need to take control of my emotions and thoughts. And I am not sure that I do. But I am committed to figuring out what I need to do.

I know that I am not alone in this battle, which is why I don’t want to do it by myself. I don’t think that you or me should have to go about this alone. So you want to fight this battle with me? Lets be real together.

Be Aware

I have heard too many of my guy friends talk about how girls don’t wear enough clothing. And it got me thinking a lot. As women we have a responsibility to men (even if we don’t know them) to not wear skimpy clothes. We can’t give them a reason to look at us. (Cause I think either way they look but why give them more reasons to look) I am not about to point fingers at anyone, if I should point fingers it should be at me.

Now I know that every girl wants to feel sexy…am I wrong? Every girl wants to know that every guy that walks past her is looking at her…even if he is gross. Every girl wants attention from men, and when you get that attention it makes you feel prettier, sexier, and more self confident… Every girl wants to know that she is prettier than the girl standing next to her.

(Guys…it’s all a game with girls! :)) And really is has nothing to do with guys. It’s like Candy Land (remember that game) you want to beat your friend to the top…well that’s what its like with girls except we are using guys as the board. You look at us and we have moved up…you flirt with us, another move and so on. We basically use you…I am really sorry. I’m not saying that every girl does this all the time, but I do know that every girl does this one time in her life.

We can’t give guys excuses to look at us. Too many of us wear shirts that are too low or too short or too tight. Let me give you a little tip girls… if you can look down and see your boobs there is a chance that everyone else can see them too. If you have to keep pulling your pants up because you butt crack is showing, isn’t that a hint that maybe they are too little? Maybe they aren’t too little they are just “low-riders” don’t you think you should wear longer tops.

I think you can dress appropriately and still feel sexy. I am not saying that you have to wear turtle necks and pants 24/7. I just think we as females need to be more aware of what we do to guys. I am not a guy so I can’t begin to tell you what they think, but I think I might know a little bit about what they think.

Do you know that guys are very visual? The think a lot!! You dress skimpy and I can guess that they will be thinking about you later… (I am not saying guys will but probably…again I am not a guy, so guys correct me if I am wrong…PLEASE) You show a little skin, and wow it gets them going. You don’t want to be the reason why they have to take a cold shower do you? I DON’T!

I have had an incident at home… I was getting ready to go to bed and I forgot something downstairs. Nobody was home when I decided to go downstairs so I didn’t bother to put on a t-shirt (I had a tank top on don’t worry) as I walked down the stairs two guys walked in. The minute I saw one guy I knew what I was wearing was too skimpy of a shirt…bad bad Kalla! I saw the look and his face… Now the bad part is at the moment I was proud of myself. I got him to look at me...Yes! But later on we had talked about it and it made me feel so bad. I could have helped him by just turning around or putting on a shirt but I didn’t.

We as women need to look in the mirror before we leave our rooms. We need to bend down in front of the mirror and ask your self can you see your boobs. You need to lift up your arms…can you see your stomach? You need to kneel…is your butt crack showing? If you respect your body other people will respect you. You don’t want some guy who just thinks you have a hot body but you want someone who is going to like you weather they can see your boobs or not.

Just be more aware! :)

We don't deserve it

I have been thinking a lot about God's love and how great and wonderful it is. And how much we don't deserve it. Not because I can never do anything right or I am a bad person but because its always there. Its unconditional. He doesn't expect anything from us. Now to me that seems wrong. How can the God of the World love me and not expect anything from me?

We don't deserve to be loved by a God who is so great to us. I know I don't. I could go out and have sex tonight, and tomorrow God would still love me... (going out and having sex is not my point)...but what I am saying is his love is always there no matter what. It doesn't matter what I do or who I am... he loves me regardless of what I do.

I guess for me that is a hard concept. We have to earn everything that we do. We have to earn money to be able to live. We have to earn peoples trust to be able to have a friendship with them. We have to earn responsibility. We have to earn respect. So to not have to earn God's love is a hard to understand or accept.

The way other people love me is how I base God's love for me. Example: the way my parents love me is how I think God loves me. Which is totally wrong. My parents are great at showing love but they aren't God and can never truly show me how God loves me.

When I was younger like five or six I would get in trouble all the time. And my parents would spank me as a punishment and then send us up to our rooms. Everytime I was sent to my room "to think about what I did" (like kids really think about what they do wrong) I would sing random made up songs. But I guess there was one song that I would sing a lot...(and my mom loves to tell this story). I would sing, "mommy and daddy don't love me, mommy and daddy don't love me."

I don't think I ever felt that they didn't love me but I know I would ask myself, "If they say they love me then why do they spank me or why do they yell at me?" I grew up thinking if I do something dumb or something that I am not supposed to that God won't love me or he's going to punish me. And still to this day I think that. And I have to remind myself all the time that it doesn't matter what I do...God loves me.

It doesn't matter what you did last night or what you did last week...just remember that God loves you.