I don't know what to do.

I don’t know what to do.

It should be so easy for me to just pick up and go any where. I mean I’m nineteen with nothing holding me back…

Am I ready to let go of everything? Am I really ready to grow up? Can I handle being away away from my family? Am I ready to leave everything I know? Is this even what God wants? Or is it something I have made to be so great in my mind?

I don’t know what to do.

I believe that there are times in our lives when God gives us choices and either choice is okay because he is going to use me in either situation. I don’t like choices. “I really just want you to tell me where to go what to do God.”

It’s funny because I really don’t like when people tell me what to do and normally I tend to do the opposite but I really would just like God to tell me what to do. If he’s going to use me in either situation then why can’t he just tell me what to do?

I don’t know what to do.

I’m stuck. I am torn between two things that I really really love. I am torn between a life here and a life I don’t know somewhere else. But where is God going to use me more? Where am I going to feel safe and at home?

I don’t know what to do.

I like security. I like to know that I am secure and someone is always there to help me out. I like the idea of financial security. I like the idea that I know how to do things. I’m not someone who can drop everything and go. Oh that is not me at all. But what if you’ve felt that nudge? What if in a weird way God has been preparing me for that?

I don’t know what to do.

I like to have an idea in my head of what things might look like in the future. You know the whole “where do you see yourself in five years…” I have this idea in my head (and it really has never turned out to be what I think it is going to be) what my life will look like.

I don’t know what to do.

TAKE A RISK! Do you know me? I am not a risk taker at all. You might call me a safe-risk taker. I do everything from the side lines and maybe watch people at first and then do it. But I don’t know if I have ever just stepped out and did something in faith or just to take a risk. Yeah, I’ve thought about it…but I have never just jumped.

I don’t know what to do.

I would like to say that I have a lot of faith in God. But sometimes in these moments I think I have very little. I have very little faith that God can work things out the way they I want them to be. And maybe that’s the problem. The way I want them to be. Faith is and will never be about me. It will always be about someone who is much bigger than me.

I don’t know what to do.

See the pattern here…I really don’t know what to do.

I want to be just like my sister

How come I can pull a blog out of my ass but I can't pull a three page paper out.

I just finished my second paper out of three maybe four for the class and I get so stressed out. Two weeks ago was the first time that I have really ever written a paper, sad I know. And I freaked out. I really don’t know what’s wrong. But everything inside of me tells me that I did everything wrong. I really break down and cry... its horrible I know!

Or maybe it’s the fact that I have had to follow in the steps of my older sister who for her the gift of well anything to do with school comes so natural. If only I had that gift. Don’t get me wrong I love my sister to death, she is my best friend but to have to follow after her in school every year was pretty hard. She didn’t have to try and she did it. I spend six hours on it and I’m not even done. Compared to her I am stupid.

Sometimes I wish I could be like my sister… I honestly don't know what I do with out her in my life. Not many people understand my weirdness but she does and she still loves me! I like to think that we take care of each other but she really takes care of me. She is definitely my older sister. She knows how to make me laugh when I am having a bad day. She knows how to beat me up (even though i think she take the easy way out) but most of all she knows how to love me! She is my best friend. I have thought about what would ever happen if one of us moved away and I think the other one would have to go. We are so close that she knows when I'm not "me."

I love you Bets! (for the longest time I couldn't spell her name...haha...thats funny)

Smoking

I have to write a paper for school arguing one of two papers and after I have read both I am stuck.

One paper is about a lady who is 52 and has been smoking since she was 26. She talks about how people treat her because she is a smoker. She believes that all people hate her because she smokes. She said, “Smokist don’t hate the sin, they hate the sinner, and they don’t care who knows it.” I don’t hate the “sinner.” It’s not about the “sinner”; it’s about the “sin” and what it does to your body. She goes on to talk about how society views smokers…

The other paper is against smoking and how we should do everything we can to stop people from smoking and the affects of cancer. But it is very forward, very harsh to me.

I am torn because I have no idea what to argue, on one hand I understand and agree with the second paper. I don’t think people should smoke. I have seen the affects of what smoking can do to a person. But at the same time I can understand what the first one is talking about too. Since she was born her mom smoked. She knows nothing wrong with it. And she lives in a culture where we aren’t afraid to speak up.

I am not for smoking at all. I don’t like it. I think it’s a bad habit and gross. But it’s not my right to tell someone not to. I can only tell you what I think of it.

So how do I argue one of those…

I guess I kind of answered my own question.

Dreams

Do you ever know what to expect from your dreams?

Sometimes I have far out dreams, sometimes my dreams are silly, and sometimes my dreams are scary (very scary) but sometimes I have dreams of things I know I should do just too scared to do them. You know what I mean?

Do you ever remember your dreams? I always remember the ones that I don’t want to and I can never remember what happens in the ones with me and Dane Cook… ;). I wish I didn’t wake up right in the middle of a good part, which always happens. (I'll leave the details out)

Have you ever felt like a dream was real life? Have you ever woken up and wondered “Was I dreaming or did I miss something yesterday”? Sometimes through out the day I’ll remember something that has happened but then I remember it was a dream.

I don’t know what to expect from my dreams. I don’t know if they ever mean something or if they're just for fun. Obviously I know that some are just for fun. But what about those ones, the ones that I can’t stop thinking about for weeks, the ones where I have felt like I am supposed to do that? What if dreams mean something?

Crawl back into bed

Some days I wish I could just crawl back into bed. This morning I woke up and expected another normal day. Took a shower, got ready, went downstairs, went out to warm up my car only to realize that my car had been broken into. I noticed that my stereo had been removed from my dashboard and that my doors were unlocked. I looked around my car and realized they had busted out my little back window. (I thought my Dane Cook CD was in there, but it wasn’t…Thank you God for saving my Dane Cook :))

My reaction at first was “Great not again.” When I lived with my parents my car had been broken into several times. I feel safer in Clifton than I did in Lebanon…crazy I know.

It’s not that someone broke my window and stole my stereo it’s the fact that people do that. Do you not have any conscious? What satisfaction do you get from breaking into a car and taking someone’s belongings? I want to be mad at who ever did it. I want to say I hope you get what you deserve but I don’t. I honestly feel sorry for them. It sucks that they think they have to break into a car to steal a stereo, to get money, or respect from people. I feel sorry that somewhere down the road maybe they will have to remember everything they did.

Yeah it sucks for me that I have to pay money to replace and fix everything but it beats stealing from someone any day.

So whoever you are out there, whoever you are that felt the need to break and steal my stuff, I hope that in some way you are blessed by this. I hope you find what you are looking for. And I hope that someday you find God, if you haven’t already. Enjoy my CD player because I know I did.

Religions

Here’s a thought and it’s just a thought…
Do you think God created different religions?

I have been very sheltered from other religions. I don’t know much about other religions and I don’t know how to respond to other people when they talk to me about other religions. I have grown up only knowing one religion, Christianity. I don’t think it’s bad but I don’t think it’s good either. I sit in class and I listen to people talk about other religions and I don’t know how to respond. I want to stick up for what I believe but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to argue with people about it.

Now if I am wrong on this please let me know.
From my observation most if not all believe in a God. Which is why I pose the question. We all believe in a God but we have different ways of going about it. Some think they shouldn’t cut their hair some think they shouldn’t have any hair but we all are after one thing…God. Some have other gods under God; some believe you have to do things a certain way to be a part of that religion blah blah… Why couldn’t God create different religions? He created different races.

My whole life I’ve grown up around Christianity. I don’t know anything but that. I never went to high school so I can’t even say that I’ve had that experience of different religions from that. It makes me sad in a way. I want to be able to tell people about God in a non-harmful way. I want to tell people about a God who is bigger than this world with out shoving stuff down their throat. I don’t want to make God impossible. But I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to argue for my God.

I think I’m learning more about myself in school than writing or math…IT MAKES MY BRAIN HURT!

What are your thoughts?

Life is kicking me in the ass

I love my life, but sometimes it likes to kick me in my ass. Schools going great, works going great, and life’s going great but combing those all together in the past two weeks have been really hard. I like schedules (or maybe my body likes schedules) but this whole out of schedule thing is hard. My body doesn’t want to get up at 6 and then my body gets up at 6. It’s crazy.

I didn’t realize how tuff it was going to be to go to school part-time and work full-time. Three days feel like six days, and two days off feels like one day. I know that I just need some time to get used to this schedule but I am afraid by the time I get used to it, it will change again.

Here’s a little update on school:
School is great and exactly what I expected. I love my English class and I hate my math class! Thanks to my Dad who was a great teacher in math it’s very hard to find someone that’s better than him. My math teacher is just weird. He just acts like we’re all dumb. Are all math teachers like that? After this class I think I might take the placement test to see if I test out of math, so I don’t have to take another stupid math class.

My English class on the other hand is great. I am not looking forward to writing my first paper. But the class is great and I am learning a lot…I think.

Being in college just opens your eyes to new things. Like, I didn’t know that a girl could literally look like a boy! (haha… ask me about it and I will tell). I didn’t know that people would be so open in class with their life when they don’t even know you. Some people just like to hear themselves talk all the time and other people would be just as happy to say nothing. Some people are all about themselves. Some people just don’t care to be there (then why in the hell are you?). Why do boys wear their pants all the way down to their knees? It really isn’t that cool to hold your pants and walk. And if your white don’t try to be black… And I didn't really know how many people smoked. You might as well smoke walking through there.

So that’s my update. Here’s to hoping my ass finds my schedule.

What if?

What if You made a mistake? What if it’s the wrong thing? What if they are supposed to stay with us? Why? WHy? WHY? I don’t get it. And maybe I’m not supposed to but come on how could You do this? I don’t know how to feel. I mean I know how I feel but how am I supposed to feel? Am I not supposed to be mad at you? Am I supposed to love You at this moment? Cause I don’t! I’m mad…no I’m pissed! I want to throw something…I want to throw everything…How do I be thankful in this moment? How do I be happy? How do I support them? How do I go on? How do I go to my parents when everything is going to remind me of them? I can’t ignore this but how do I deal with it? I mean I can go on with life but is that really the healthiest thing to do? Why put them all through this? Why put us through this?

You might be wondering what the hell is going on… well let me tell you. On Wednesday morning my younger sister called me with some devastating news for my family. My parents have been a recourse family for three younger children for 15 months. During these 15 months the state has gone to court to try and terminate the mother’s rights. In November they had the last court date and the judge had 30 days to make a decision. 30 days had passed and she had not made one yet. Wednesday morning my mother got the call that she had made her decision. She (the judge) did not terminate the mothers rights and are letting the aunt take custody of them. Three kids who have become part of our family will soon be leaving my parents house. There is nothing my family can do and the state has decided not to appeal.

Wednesday was a very hard day for me. I feel apart at work. Luckily I work with a great team who took some time to pray for my family. But Wednesday night I kind of ignored it. I went on with my life like nothing happened. My attitude was wrong, but I didn’t and don’t know what to do? I don’t know who to mad at. I don’t know what to think. There’s nothing I can do, but how do I just sit back and let this happen.

I know that I don’t see the bigger picture, but I see the picture now. I see my parents who are so in love with three little children. I see three little children thriving. I see three little children who are in love with my parents. I see three little children who have come so far. And I don’t get how God could just take them away. I don’t get how taking them away could be better?

I’m tired God. I’m tired of this... A long battle fought and lost.
















K'liyah, KeAwn, and K'Von this summer at Kings Island. (They had never seen anything like it...they were amazed)
To you three... You will be greatly missed. But know that you are loved by this family more than you know. I love you guys! You will always have a place in our hearts!

I am scared

In two days I will be a college student and I am scared to death. I try not to think about it but how can I not? It’s going to change everything. My schedule that I have been used to for the past 6 months is about ready to change.

The last couple of nights I have had some bad dreams about school and it’s not very encouraging. Okay this might be very stupid but one of my biggest fears is being late. So the dreams I have been having are about being extremely late for my class.

Is all that stupid? Yes. But I have no idea what to expect. I never went to high school and I only went to real school through fourth grade. I really don’t know what to expect. I have all these fears that seem very stupid running through my mind.

But am I excited? Yes. I am extremely excited! Aren’t you excited when you start a new adventure? I am excited to start school and to see what God does through this process. I don’t think I would have ever have gone to school if it wasn’t for God. If you ever think God is telling you to do something but for several reasons and you don’t think it possible. Go with it. I think you might be amazed at what God can do. I was!

Here’s to starting school and new adventures.