So I wrote about a month ago (you can go back and read it) about how I always have to have a man in my life. Not necessarily dating someone but I always have to have a "crush." And recently I have come to the realization that that is a bunch of bull shit! Whoever made that up didn't know what they were talking about.
I don't remember the last time I didn't like someone. Is it even possible for a person not to like someone? I don't know. But needing and having a guy in my life has been my life for I don't know ten years. I shouldn't be waiting for that moment every day. I would actually say that 50% of my day I think about men. Isn't that just disturbing...it is to me. But here is the best thing...I think husbands and wives are gifts from God! Isn't that incredible! To marry that person and know that God created both of you to be together. To know that from the time you and he/she was born that God had you in mind. I mean isn't that amazing?
I don't know if you have ever heard the song "Enough" by Chris Tomlin but I think that really talks about all that we need. We only really need God's love, we only really need God! I mean think about it...everything that I have, I have it because of God. Now think about what you have...what do you have that wasn't from God? NOTHING! I just think we forget how much God has done for us. I think that we go on with our lives and forget to thank God for what he has given us. I mean I do! We complain but do we ever say thanks? (okay going off on a little tangent)
I think I am finally realizing how much I love God! I always said that I love God, but it always felt fake almost...not fake but almost a saying...(I hope I am making sense)...I guess I just never felt that I loved him as much as he loved me. But I don't think that I will ever love him as much as he loves me. But now I feel like I am in love with him. I know that he is all I need. Throw the men out the window who needs them when you have God? I am just kidding...kinda...:) I just finally feel like I love God. I mean for me it has always been something that I have grown up to say or feel...You just love God. Everyone always said God loves me more than I will ever know...but I don't ever remember anyone ever talking about how much they loved God or what that even looked like.
And part of loving God is also trusting him. So if we try so hard to be in a relationship when it's not the right timing for God its like saying I don't love you God. I think it is very disrespectful to not trust God... and I am not pointing fingers and saying you should really trust God, I am talking more to myself I think. I need to trust God just as much as you do. I don't think that I am a very good example of trust.
I do believe that God made man and women to be together...I mean he did make Eve so Adam would have a companion? So I believe that he made each one of us with a companion also. And I also believe that he made each one of us for his love. To say that we love him is one thing but to actual feel love for him is another thing. And I think I have finally realized what it feels like to be in love with God.
"Love is the most dangerous discourse in the world. It is daring and difficult because it makes you vulnerable, but if you experience it, it is the peak of human existence."
James Baldwin
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Thursday, September 22, 2005
My wedding
So apparently this past weekend I got married! WHO KNEW!
So check this out and read all about it...haha!
http://greenandfornia.weddings.com
I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!
So check this out and read all about it...haha!
http://greenandfornia.weddings.com
I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!
Friday, September 16, 2005
Fear
The other night I was watching Ring 2 and there was an interesting scene that goes like this.
As Rachel is sleeping Aidan comes to her in her dreams and they have this conversation...
(Aidan has been taken over by Samara and the only way she can't hear them is when they are sleeping)
Aidan: Shh. Just keep sleeping Rachel so she (Samara) can't hear us. It's the only way. Your gonna have to show her Rachel... Show her she can't stay.
Rachel: In you? How? How do I do that?
Aidan: Take me to wear she is afraid of. You know what she's afraid of (water.) Take me there....and kill me.
Rachel: Aidan No!
Aidan: Shh Rachel stay sleeping. She won't stay if she knows you will kill me. It's the only way.
Rachel: I can't do it... I can't.
Aidan: Then she stays.
Scene ends and she wakes up.
There are two things in that scene that really stick out for me and they both have to do with Fear. The first one is Rachel is afraid to listen to Aidan and kill him. She's scared that she'll kill Aidan and never have him back. But what she has to consider is does she want Aidan alive and live with him as "Samara" or is she willing to take a risk and kill him? The second thing is Samara is so afraid that if she knows someone is going to try and kill the person that she is living in then she leaves.
(Sorry I am probably going to ruin the movie for you...I warned you)
How did Rachel conquer her fear...she did the one thing that she was scared of the most...kill her son. But that's the best thing... she tried to kill her son and in the process Samara left him. So in reality there was nothing for Rachel to be scared of. I want to say that somehow Aidan knew that if Rachel tried to kill him that Samara would leave and he would be okay but I don't really know that. And how did Samara conquer her fear? Well she didn't. She was so scared that she ran away.
Now I believe that we are either one of those two people. We are either Rachel and face our fears or we are Samara and run from our fears. I believe for a while I have been Samara, running from everything that I was and am afraid of. How bout you? Who are you...Rachel or Samara?
Honestly I am tired of running from my fears. I am so tired of being afraid. I want to know that I don't have to be afraid of the world. I want to know that I can trust that God is going to protect me.. I want to go forward even when I don't think it is the right thing because I trust God. I know that God is my protection. I know that he won't let anything harm me. The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
Deuteronomy 31:8
I think a lot of us live in fear everyday. Sometimes we might even let fear run our lives. I know I have. For over a year I have wanted to go to school for nursing but I was too afraid becauseIi thought I would never make it. I thought I would fail classes because I wasn't smart. For over two years I stayed in a position at work that was horrible, but I stayed because I was comfortable and I was afraid to step out and take a risk.
Think about this...How many time are you afraid of something and run away from it, but the minute you go do it or get on it or whatever... you aren't afraid anymore? You know how every one always say, "It'll be okay", well it really will be okay. It is scary and I think that everyone has the right to be scared and maybe being scared is a good thing, but the truth is Everything will be okay. I have takena lott of risk and look at me I am perfectly normal. I think Satan uses fear as a weapon...okay I know he does. He tries to instill fear into us so we won't do what we are called to do. They are only lies and you have the right to ignore them or listen to them. I would suggest ignoring them but I am not you. All I can tell you is that I have gone through some pretty scary things (at least for me) and I am perfectly okay!
So what are you going to do next time you are afraid? Are you going to choose to ignore it and go on? Or are you going to let fear win?
As Rachel is sleeping Aidan comes to her in her dreams and they have this conversation...
(Aidan has been taken over by Samara and the only way she can't hear them is when they are sleeping)
Aidan: Shh. Just keep sleeping Rachel so she (Samara) can't hear us. It's the only way. Your gonna have to show her Rachel... Show her she can't stay.
Rachel: In you? How? How do I do that?
Aidan: Take me to wear she is afraid of. You know what she's afraid of (water.) Take me there....and kill me.
Rachel: Aidan No!
Aidan: Shh Rachel stay sleeping. She won't stay if she knows you will kill me. It's the only way.
Rachel: I can't do it... I can't.
Aidan: Then she stays.
Scene ends and she wakes up.
There are two things in that scene that really stick out for me and they both have to do with Fear. The first one is Rachel is afraid to listen to Aidan and kill him. She's scared that she'll kill Aidan and never have him back. But what she has to consider is does she want Aidan alive and live with him as "Samara" or is she willing to take a risk and kill him? The second thing is Samara is so afraid that if she knows someone is going to try and kill the person that she is living in then she leaves.
(Sorry I am probably going to ruin the movie for you...I warned you)
How did Rachel conquer her fear...she did the one thing that she was scared of the most...kill her son. But that's the best thing... she tried to kill her son and in the process Samara left him. So in reality there was nothing for Rachel to be scared of. I want to say that somehow Aidan knew that if Rachel tried to kill him that Samara would leave and he would be okay but I don't really know that. And how did Samara conquer her fear? Well she didn't. She was so scared that she ran away.
Now I believe that we are either one of those two people. We are either Rachel and face our fears or we are Samara and run from our fears. I believe for a while I have been Samara, running from everything that I was and am afraid of. How bout you? Who are you...Rachel or Samara?
Honestly I am tired of running from my fears. I am so tired of being afraid. I want to know that I don't have to be afraid of the world. I want to know that I can trust that God is going to protect me.. I want to go forward even when I don't think it is the right thing because I trust God. I know that God is my protection. I know that he won't let anything harm me. The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
Deuteronomy 31:8
I think a lot of us live in fear everyday. Sometimes we might even let fear run our lives. I know I have. For over a year I have wanted to go to school for nursing but I was too afraid becauseIi thought I would never make it. I thought I would fail classes because I wasn't smart. For over two years I stayed in a position at work that was horrible, but I stayed because I was comfortable and I was afraid to step out and take a risk.
Think about this...How many time are you afraid of something and run away from it, but the minute you go do it or get on it or whatever... you aren't afraid anymore? You know how every one always say, "It'll be okay", well it really will be okay. It is scary and I think that everyone has the right to be scared and maybe being scared is a good thing, but the truth is Everything will be okay. I have takena lott of risk and look at me I am perfectly normal. I think Satan uses fear as a weapon...okay I know he does. He tries to instill fear into us so we won't do what we are called to do. They are only lies and you have the right to ignore them or listen to them. I would suggest ignoring them but I am not you. All I can tell you is that I have gone through some pretty scary things (at least for me) and I am perfectly okay!
So what are you going to do next time you are afraid? Are you going to choose to ignore it and go on? Or are you going to let fear win?
Sunday, September 11, 2005
What would have happened?
"I can't imagine getting to the end of my life and thinking, 'I wonder what would have happened if I had gone for it.'"
Those where the words Dave Workman spoke this weekend. And man did it hit home for me.
So maybe everyone knows "what this thing is" and maybe you don't so here it is. I have decided to go to college! :-O haha! Yeah big shocker for me too. But it feels so right. It finally feels like the right time in my life. Since I was 15, I have always dreamt of being a nurse. A labor and delivery nurse actually. So that is what I am going to do. Go to nursing school. I remember being a sophmore in high school and sending away for information from UC about their nursing program. I got it in the mail and I was so excited. It didn't leave my side for a couple days. You know like when you get a new book and you don't want to leave it...yeah I didn't want to leave all my information. :)
So you might be asking why didn't I go to college a year ago for it...FEAR! Fear of failing. Fear of not being the best. Fear that I won't be able to make it through. Fear that I won't like it. But those are all things that I have to face up too. (more about that in a later post)
I am not saying that home schooling is bad (okay maybe I am) but I don't think that I got a great education in school (or at home). I don't feel like I learned everything that I should have. Not that my parents didn't do a good job, because I think that they did. I just don't think that I put everything into it. I did it because I had to. I always hated school because I had to do it and thats why I didn't go to college right away. I hated school because I was FORCED to do it. I wanted to go to college becuase I wanted to go. Not because everyone else was going and thats what I should do. I am glad that i didn't have those types of parents that wanted you to go to college. Ones who thought that getting a degree was the only way to go. I have to actually thank my parents for not pushing me into going to college, but for supporting me in all my decisions.
In the last year I have had that thought over and over again... I wonder what would have happened if I had gone for it. What if God had created me to do that one thing specificly and I totally ignored his calling... what would have happened? Ten years down the road would I be miserable and wish that I would have gone to school to be a nurse? I don't want to be 30 and wondering what if. Now I won't have to wonder what would have happened. I get to figure it out. How exciting!
So I just wanted to let everyone in on the exciting news that is going on in my life! :) And to say really think about this: "I can't imagine getting to the end of my life and thinking, 'I wonder what would have happened if I had gone for it.'"
I just want to challenge you on this. What is something that you can't imagine getting to the end of your life and not doing? It's not too late to do anything. It's never too late! SO GO FOR IT!
Those where the words Dave Workman spoke this weekend. And man did it hit home for me.
So maybe everyone knows "what this thing is" and maybe you don't so here it is. I have decided to go to college! :-O haha! Yeah big shocker for me too. But it feels so right. It finally feels like the right time in my life. Since I was 15, I have always dreamt of being a nurse. A labor and delivery nurse actually. So that is what I am going to do. Go to nursing school. I remember being a sophmore in high school and sending away for information from UC about their nursing program. I got it in the mail and I was so excited. It didn't leave my side for a couple days. You know like when you get a new book and you don't want to leave it...yeah I didn't want to leave all my information. :)
So you might be asking why didn't I go to college a year ago for it...FEAR! Fear of failing. Fear of not being the best. Fear that I won't be able to make it through. Fear that I won't like it. But those are all things that I have to face up too. (more about that in a later post)
I am not saying that home schooling is bad (okay maybe I am) but I don't think that I got a great education in school (or at home). I don't feel like I learned everything that I should have. Not that my parents didn't do a good job, because I think that they did. I just don't think that I put everything into it. I did it because I had to. I always hated school because I had to do it and thats why I didn't go to college right away. I hated school because I was FORCED to do it. I wanted to go to college becuase I wanted to go. Not because everyone else was going and thats what I should do. I am glad that i didn't have those types of parents that wanted you to go to college. Ones who thought that getting a degree was the only way to go. I have to actually thank my parents for not pushing me into going to college, but for supporting me in all my decisions.
In the last year I have had that thought over and over again... I wonder what would have happened if I had gone for it. What if God had created me to do that one thing specificly and I totally ignored his calling... what would have happened? Ten years down the road would I be miserable and wish that I would have gone to school to be a nurse? I don't want to be 30 and wondering what if. Now I won't have to wonder what would have happened. I get to figure it out. How exciting!
So I just wanted to let everyone in on the exciting news that is going on in my life! :) And to say really think about this: "I can't imagine getting to the end of my life and thinking, 'I wonder what would have happened if I had gone for it.'"
I just want to challenge you on this. What is something that you can't imagine getting to the end of your life and not doing? It's not too late to do anything. It's never too late! SO GO FOR IT!
So Small
Do you ever feel like you are so small to everyone else? Okay well maybe I am small compared to everyone else, but I mean do you ever look at other people and think, "Will I ever feel like I am an adult?"
I do all the time... Maybe that's because everyone all around me is older than me. At work everyone is older than me (And I mean everyone...I am the youngest on staff), at home everyone is older than me (well not Mac and Mateo, but they don't count because they don't really do much), and most of my friends are older than me. But it's not always bad having everyone older than you. I just mean have you ever walked into something and thought, "She looks like an adult? Or he looks like an adult?"
Yesterday I was taking food trays into the plumb room (one of the rooms off the stage) and I walked past the singer and thought she looks like an adult? Now I know that she is a mom and I think she has two kids and I thought will I look like an adult when I have kids? Will people think that I am a mom when I have kids? Or will they still just see me as a "little girl"?
Now you all are probably laughing at me because you might be thinking who wants to be an adult. But that's not it...I just don't want to feel young. Tonight I went to Fusion (the high school ministry) and I was walking around waiting for it to start. Now two months ago everyone would have known who I was...don't ask me how...but somehow everyone knew who I was. Well tonight when I walked in there were so many new faces both students and leaders that didn't know me and I didn't know them. I felt like I was a student in high school. That's my point I don't want people to think that I am in high school. Now I know that I might look like I am in high school but I can't really help that...God made me this way.
Maybe it's a good thing that I look young. Maybe 20 years down the road I'll be enjoying looking young. But right now I am not. Here's why... Adults don't respect students. So when they see a student or me they think we know nothing. Maybe it is true, maybe they don't know anything, maybe I don't know anything...(I think high school kids think they know it all...have everything planned out.) But is that really a bad thing? I learned so much in high school when I thought that I knew things and then turned out to be completely wrong.
I think what I am trying to say is give students (high school) a break. They are just trying to figure out who they are. So next time you walk by a student and think, "That kids a punk", just remember how it was like in high school for you...It's not easy.
So will I always look like I am in high school? Maybe...maybe not. Will I ever feel like an adult? Probably one day and then I will wish that I am went back to being a little kid again.
Enjoy being who you are in this moment...you may never have that chance again.
I do all the time... Maybe that's because everyone all around me is older than me. At work everyone is older than me (And I mean everyone...I am the youngest on staff), at home everyone is older than me (well not Mac and Mateo, but they don't count because they don't really do much), and most of my friends are older than me. But it's not always bad having everyone older than you. I just mean have you ever walked into something and thought, "She looks like an adult? Or he looks like an adult?"
Yesterday I was taking food trays into the plumb room (one of the rooms off the stage) and I walked past the singer and thought she looks like an adult? Now I know that she is a mom and I think she has two kids and I thought will I look like an adult when I have kids? Will people think that I am a mom when I have kids? Or will they still just see me as a "little girl"?
Now you all are probably laughing at me because you might be thinking who wants to be an adult. But that's not it...I just don't want to feel young. Tonight I went to Fusion (the high school ministry) and I was walking around waiting for it to start. Now two months ago everyone would have known who I was...don't ask me how...but somehow everyone knew who I was. Well tonight when I walked in there were so many new faces both students and leaders that didn't know me and I didn't know them. I felt like I was a student in high school. That's my point I don't want people to think that I am in high school. Now I know that I might look like I am in high school but I can't really help that...God made me this way.
Maybe it's a good thing that I look young. Maybe 20 years down the road I'll be enjoying looking young. But right now I am not. Here's why... Adults don't respect students. So when they see a student or me they think we know nothing. Maybe it is true, maybe they don't know anything, maybe I don't know anything...(I think high school kids think they know it all...have everything planned out.) But is that really a bad thing? I learned so much in high school when I thought that I knew things and then turned out to be completely wrong.
I think what I am trying to say is give students (high school) a break. They are just trying to figure out who they are. So next time you walk by a student and think, "That kids a punk", just remember how it was like in high school for you...It's not easy.
So will I always look like I am in high school? Maybe...maybe not. Will I ever feel like an adult? Probably one day and then I will wish that I am went back to being a little kid again.
Enjoy being who you are in this moment...you may never have that chance again.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
"What This Thing is"
Isn’t God amazing?
About a week ago I made a huge decision for me at least. It’s something that I have never wanted to do or ever thought that I would ever do. I don’t know what got me to do it…I don’t know what went off in my brain that said “Kalla you should do it!” But here’s my theory. God.
I know that I would never have the strength to go through this on my own. After I had decided I wanted to do this I was praying and asking God, “God if you really want me to take this risk then I need to know that you are going to be with me.” (That was last Monday) Then at staff prayer Dana (she was leading it that day) was talking (honestly I don’t know what about) but looked right at me and said “I will be with you!” Now maybe that wasn’t even anything for me to hear like that or maybe that is exactly what God wanted me to hear. Either way I heard it and it got me so excited! I can do this! I don’t have to be scared or afraid. God is going to be with me either way.
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."
Matthew 7:7-8
I have only told a couple of people what this thing is because it’s very important to me and I am afraid if I just start telling everyone that I won’t end up doing it and then I will become a loser. So if you are reading this and wondering when I am going to tell you “what this thing is”, I’m not going to tell until everything is finalized. Some of you that know me may know what I am talking about and some of you may not have a clue.
I have thought about doing this thing for over year but then I get really scared and decided not to do anything about it. But not this time… its really weird not one scared bone in my body.
One reason that I have always been scared about this is that I thought that I was never smart enough to do this and that always kept me from doing anything. But I’m not even scared about being smart enough. I know that if this is what God wants me to do then I am going to do it, whether its easy or hard, whether I am smart enough or not. I know that I will be challenged in this, but what aren’t we challenged in when God calls us to do something?
I am so excited! God I can’t wait to see the challenges you have for me with this and everything else. Thanks for being and awesome Father who will always be with me.
About a week ago I made a huge decision for me at least. It’s something that I have never wanted to do or ever thought that I would ever do. I don’t know what got me to do it…I don’t know what went off in my brain that said “Kalla you should do it!” But here’s my theory. God.
I know that I would never have the strength to go through this on my own. After I had decided I wanted to do this I was praying and asking God, “God if you really want me to take this risk then I need to know that you are going to be with me.” (That was last Monday) Then at staff prayer Dana (she was leading it that day) was talking (honestly I don’t know what about) but looked right at me and said “I will be with you!” Now maybe that wasn’t even anything for me to hear like that or maybe that is exactly what God wanted me to hear. Either way I heard it and it got me so excited! I can do this! I don’t have to be scared or afraid. God is going to be with me either way.
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."
Matthew 7:7-8
I have only told a couple of people what this thing is because it’s very important to me and I am afraid if I just start telling everyone that I won’t end up doing it and then I will become a loser. So if you are reading this and wondering when I am going to tell you “what this thing is”, I’m not going to tell until everything is finalized. Some of you that know me may know what I am talking about and some of you may not have a clue.
I have thought about doing this thing for over year but then I get really scared and decided not to do anything about it. But not this time… its really weird not one scared bone in my body.
One reason that I have always been scared about this is that I thought that I was never smart enough to do this and that always kept me from doing anything. But I’m not even scared about being smart enough. I know that if this is what God wants me to do then I am going to do it, whether its easy or hard, whether I am smart enough or not. I know that I will be challenged in this, but what aren’t we challenged in when God calls us to do something?
I am so excited! God I can’t wait to see the challenges you have for me with this and everything else. Thanks for being and awesome Father who will always be with me.
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