The night I went too far

I remember that night too clearly and sometimes I wish I didn’t.

I don’t regret anything that I’ve ever done. We all make wrong decisions and I just happened to make a wrong decision. Do I wish I could do it over? Sure, but I am who I am because of the things, good and bad, that I’ve done.

I knew what I was doing every step of they way. Some might think my emotions got in the way but I knew where I was, who I was with, what would happen if I did this, and that I could easily get up and walk away, but I chose to stay. I chose to stay to get that feeling. Maybe I was looking for something in the wrong place. Okay I was looking for something in the wrong place. But lets be honest… I wasn’t thinking in that moment. If I was a guy lets just say I would be thinking with my… (you know what ☺). That wouldn’t be the last time I would sleep with him.

See for me it was a secret for so long and for so long it hurt. It hurt because what was I to him? Did I really mean anything to him… or was I just good for him because he needed to get his needs met? We had conversation after conversation about how much we both meant to each other and for some stupid reason I believed him, which only meant that I was hurt more. In those moments I felt like I was the most important thing to him. That I could do anything and some how I would be loved (not that he ever said that but its what I felt) but only to turn around and be disappointed the next day because it was “just wrong.”

I got that it was wrong the first time… but after the second, third, fourth time I don’t know if I could believe it anymore. Every thing that he said felt like he was saying it just because I wanted to hear it. And stupid me believed every single word.

I tried not to think about him, but come on I’m a girl and I really liked him. There was something about him, but there were also a lot of things that I just didn’t see because I was too wrapped around him. I would have done anything for him. But I’m not the one who lost anything… he missed out on someone great.

Now to you:
I’m done with you. I didn’t think that I would ever be able to forgive you but now is the time. It hurt but not anymore. You say you care, but if you really cared why? I know we’ve had this conversation. There’s a part of me that will always be cautious. I wish I didn’t always have to put my guard up. But something happened when I fell in love. It was hard to let him love me. I can be the biggest of bitches and he still loves me. I only hope that one day you find that love that you are looking for… someone who can put up with you and someone who you can put up with. Love isn’t all the mushy, “I love you” and sleeping with her every night and laughing all the time. It’s the good times and the bad times. You can’t choose to love at certain times of the day. Its all day every day for the rest of your life. Just remember you aren’t a bad guy and you will find that love that you are looking for... she's out there waiting.