Ever feel like crap as a person? These past couple of weeks have been very crazy for me and crappy in some ways. I sit at Panera at the moment and I can’t help but cry. I have in so many ways messed up my life so much. And I know that everyone messes up their life and you are all going to try to tell me that its okay we all do it, but please please don’t tell me that.
I am sick of people trying to tell me it’ll be okay just so I will feel better. Guess what it doesn’t really work. It just makes me feel worse about myself because I am not that good of a person. Just tell me that it might be hard for a while. Tell me that at some points I might want to give up. Tell me at some points I might feel like crap. But don’t tell me that it will be okay.
I think I have lost sight of what God wants for me. I think I have taken control of my life. And it makes me so sad. This morning at church we read Galatians 5.
18Why don't you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence? 19It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; 20trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; 21the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.
Could that explain my life anymore?
I think I have written about all this before and if I have I am sorry. But it is something that is a constant struggle for me. I struggle with removing me from the picture and adding God. We all want the million-dollar life and instead I have settled for the cheap ass life. I have settled for happiness for a second. I want happiness for a lifetime. I want a lifetime of joy and laughter.
22But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard--things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, 23not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.
(Galatians)
Oh God I want to live life your way. I want to live life with you. I want to be consumed with your love and beauty. I want to be all that you have made me to be and more. I want to stop living for me and live for you.
I was talking to a friend about this just a little bit ago. And he asked me what makes me live by my way- my control, the fact that I can control everything that happens, my emotions, and my thoughts. I get myself in so much trouble because of what I think sometimes…I can’t even imagine how you guys do it. And he asked me what I was going to do about it? I didn’t know. I know that I need God’s help. And I know that I need to ask someone else to help me, to keep me accountable. I know that I need to take control of my emotions and thoughts. And I am not sure that I do. But I am committed to figuring out what I need to do.
I know that I am not alone in this battle, which is why I don’t want to do it by myself. I don’t think that you or me should have to go about this alone. So you want to fight this battle with me? Lets be real together.
3 comments:
this was a great post, kalla. (see, i told you panera = good blogging... i think there's something in the air there. :)) but seriously, there's a lot of depth here.
i was reading jeremiah (that's a happy book, for sure :)) this morning. it was the chapter that includes the verse, 'for i know the plans i have for you...' and the setup is that God is sending the message that the coming captivity is going to be longer than the false prophets are predicting, but there's still hope. the story doesn't end when babylon invades and takes over. it's like God's being the ultimate realist. He knows things are bad and may get worse. but He also knows exactly how He's going to come through. so the truth is that sucky, painful things happen. but God's still in control...
anyway, yeah, good post...
why does your life suck?
Kalla,
I'm not going to tell you to cheer up. Or that it's going to get better. Or that life doesn't suck.
Life does suck. Sometimes. Sometimes it f@#$ing hurts, in fact. Is it going to get better? I hope so. I don't know. It seems like it should. But it didn't for everybody...there is no happy ending for this life guaranteed. In fact, some of the people who loved God the most and served God the best ended up dying miserable, drunk, naked and/or bleeding. That sucks. Life can really suck.
I don't want to cheer you up. That's the really fun part...I don't think you need to feel better. In our culture, we look for the remedy. Our primary concern is our comfort (and I am no different, it's my primary concern if I'm truly honest with myself), and part of comfort is finding ways to quell discomfort. We want to feel better...it's how we're built, perhaps...but it's equally about how we're taught. Comfort is king in the States...go anywhere else for any length of time, and you'll see what I mean.
So, we value what we see as healing... that is to say, we value feeling better. I know I do. But that's not necessarily the answer, and it sure as heck isn't necessarily healing.
Hurt. Cry. Sob, and put your head in your hands, and ask God why. Regret. Writhe, even. Pain is real, and is very, very human. At the same time, please know that we know what pain is because we know it's opposite. For each hurt, there is comfort. For each mourning, there is celebration. For each anguish-ridden moment, there is an ecstasy. And each side of each of these dualities is equally valuable. You will not recognize joy if you have not known pain. You will not recognize comfort if you haven't known hurt.
I'm not trying to sound Eastern here. I'm a fat American like anybody else. I've just found this truth in my life...pain is life, just like joy. And that, in itself, makes pain sacred. Your regret means your heart continues to beat, and that makes you way better off than most of the people who have walked the Earth. Embrace this pain. Your tears are real, and they hurt, and it sucks...and thank God that's true. You are truly alive.
I hope it doesn't get better. I hope it just feels more like reality, and that reality makes you feel more alive...joyous or miserable...more alive.
Peace,
Justin
Post a Comment