What do you think about accountability?
Here’s what I think…
I love the idea behind accountability but does it really help? (I’m going to use sex as an example for everything) If you were dating someone and you both are struggling with crossing the line a few too many times and your accountability was great in trying to help you set up some guidelines… what happens if you never stayed with those guidelines? What if you continually go to the next level all the time, even talking with your accountability?
I guess here’s my issue… if you wanted to have sex with your boyfriend then you would just do it. You wouldn’t be thinking, “Oh I need to call Sally (accountability) so I won’t have sex with Joe tonight.” I mean come on are you really thinking about your accountability if your getting intimate with your boyfriend? I doubt it! And if you are, are you really thinking about saying no and not having sex? I can guarantee the only thing on your mind is sex at that moment.
And another thing… how does an your accountability help if all you do is have sex tell him, have sex tell him, have sex tell him. That’s not accountability …to me.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of accountability. I think its great and some people do it very well and receive it very well. I guess I just have issues. Maybe I haven’t had great experiences with accountability or maybe it’s just my stubborn side.
I also believe that in order to have a great accountability you have to have a great relationship with that person. Sometimes you need to be able to tell them the hard stuff and sometimes you need to be able to hear the hard stuff. You have to be able to tell them anything with out feeling like you are going to get stoned.
So those are my thoughts on it what about yours?
12 comments:
There's something powerful about saying the words - out loud, "I continue to struggle with...."
I think we grow numb to our struggles - and when we flesh them out by talking about them - it can serve as a wake up call to the reality of how ugly our junk really is.
I have had many situations where friendships have been irreversably (sp?) damaged by said "accountability" and had in the past been left with a bitter taste in my mouth towards it. However, I have an amazing relationship with my friend Megan
that has progressed over the last few years and we have an open accountability with one another. While it is hard to say or hear things that may well be convicting, there is something to be said for speaking the truth in love in the name of walking through life with your friends. When it comes to the sex issue. Yeah, that's a hard one, but...at 26 I continue to hold true to a commitment to wait for my husband to have sex and while at times it can be an enormous struggle (Believe me it gets so much harder as you get older) and almost a moment to moment battle, I have always looked at it from my future husband's point of view. I will at some point have to have a conversation with him regarding my past and his past relationships. And when it comes down to it, I love him (while I might not have even met him yet) too much to inflict emotional pain on him by making irreversable selfish choices. Therefore, I choose to not approach relationships and my boyfriend with "unholy" hands or thoughts. I don't ever want to jeopardize my future or his. It's tough, but accountability or no, God sees my heart impurities and all and whether I act on it or not.It is a daily choice to be honest with Megan. We come from hugely different backgrounds, and we understand that some things are harder for the other, but, the openess and "judege-free" zone, makes the process soo much easier and you feel like you have an ally in life. I will sometimes ask myself when alone with my boyfriend, what will megan say tomorrow when I tell her about my date...While it isn't easy to check your hormones at the door, i choose it because I hate to dissapoint myself, her and God. That's just me though.
~shilo
i think accountability is a great thing. i think i still need to grow a lot when it comes to being real about my struggles and sharing that with people who are committed to helping me grow (ditto on the shame thing--which is pretty sad, since i think shame is one of the tricks of the enemy to keep us from becoming the men and women God has designed us to be). but the most spiritually healthy times in my life have been those where a few trusted girlfriends have been keeping me accountable about something. there's something amazing about the support of your friends through the difficult, heat-of-the-moment decisions.
i do think that when you seek out accountability, it needs to be someone with whom you already have a solid friendship, it needs to be someone you trust. and it needs to be someone who is really committed to helping you grow. someone who really cares about you. i wouldn't recommend forcing accountability on a new friendship or a new small group, for example. it takes time to build that sort of friendship. i also think there needs to be strong internal motivation in order for accountability to work. if i'm asking my friends for help with, for example, not eating too many cadbury eggs, i'm not going to accomplish my goal of not eating them if i haven't really made the decision not to, though i do think confession can be good in and of itself (breaks the power of shame, breaks isolation, etc.). but if i really want to stop gorging myself with chocolatey easter gooeyness, i need to be committed towards that end myself, in addition to asking for support from my friends. i might also start confessing to my friends times when i went to the grocery store just to look at the candy section. or confessing obsessive thoughts of the candy... i've found that the accountability process breaks down in my own life when i'm waffling on my own commitment to change... i think we have to decide just how important our goals are, and then make decisions that support those goals, whether the issue is sexuality, physical health, time management, development of your talents, whatever. accountability is an essential part of the growth process, but we have to be personally invested in growth too.
anyway, yeah, i think we're in a battle. and we need the support of other people fighting with us. live alone, die alone, as the saying goes...
love you!
I guess I don't have a problem with saying "I continue to struggle..." it’s the part were people start judging me or telling me I am better than that... or getting on my case because of the things that I have done.
I have said this before and I know its something that I need to work on but I am very stubborn so when someone judges me for doing something wrong-I am so messed up- I want to continue to do it.
I love accountability trust me… but there has to be a point when the person wants it too. Maybe I just don’t want it. I don’t have a problem telling people my shit, like I said its just when people get on my case all the time… AHH! I'm not perfect so please don't expect that from me. (thats how I feel a lot of the time)
But why can't there just be people out there to say, "Okay you've messed up. I still love you. Let try hard not to do it again"? And maybe there are people out there...again maybe I have just come across the wrong people.
But why can't there just be people out there to say, "Okay you've messed up. I still love you. Let try hard not to do it again"? And maybe there are people out there...again maybe I have just come across the wrong people.
K, God is that person. He is the one who really puts His arms around you and tells you he loves you. even before you cared about him, he died for you. how much now when you are his child. there is so much grace, but it is easy to feel the shame, but there is NO condemnation for us who are in...
we are free. free forever. that takes a while to sink in. It took me 10 years!
Ehi,
It is something that has taken (and I am still)a long time to comprehend. And I think that it is so hard because we don't have anyone in human form who can do that. Our friends, family, boyfriend, girlfriend... can all love us but not in the way that we want or need.
It has always been a problem for me because I look for that person here on earth... I look for someone to tell me that I am loved no matter what...and guess what I haven't found it and I will never find it in a human...
I just wish that I could always remember that at anytime.
I know. i look for that person badly. then i don't find it. then very painfully i wonder if i can be that person for others as well. So far, it has been not so bad since I started doing that.
the accountability only works as well as you want it to. If you put a lot of effort into it, it will work well, if you don't it will not work at all.
Its like a lot of things in life, you get what you put into it.
I think you have had a poor experience of accountability Kalla. I have had an accountability partner for years, and there is power in shining a light on the darkness. Yeah, I still screw up a lot, but even though people can't see this, I am doing WAY better than I was 5 years ago, 3 years ago, 1 year ago, etc. If you have the right partner they will walk through that process with you.
If your partner freaks out every time you tell them something, they are a bad accountability partner.
If your partner tells one person (even their husband or wife) what you tell them, they are a bad accountability partner.
If after sharing your struggles with them, you feel less encouraged to share future struggles, they are a bad accountability partner.
One last thought...I don't agree that God is our accountability partner. Yes, we take everything to God, but we also need people to help us walk this path.
Good luck finding someone in Houston...it's critical stuff.
You had to bring up Houston and you had to make me cry...Thanks Steve!
I guess that is my problem anoyn. I just don't put enough effort into it, but maybe i just haven't found the right person (not to say that any of the other ones have been bad.)
And I want to clarify something... I hope nobody thinks I was saying that God can be your accountability partner. I was just saying that sometimes that’s what we really want out of everything (not necessarily an accountability partner)... "Okay you've messed up. I still love you. Let's try hard not to do it again"
I hope that makes sense!
But we don't call...we stay knowing that what we are doing is not right... I don't know maybe I am just messed up!
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