I wrote this almost a year ago!
I don't know if it’s normal to feel how I feel all the time. I used to feel so good about myself. I used to feel pretty. I used to be active. I used to love to go shopping. I used to love a lot that I can’t even think of doing now. I used to be happy.Now I just feel like crap all the time. I don't feel pretty anymore (despite how many times my husband tells me I am beautiful). And I don't feel good about myself. I am hardly active anymore just going to the grocery to get milk is a painful. The thought of how much I weigh at the moment disgust me (even though I know that I have a growing healthy baby). I am more excited to get this child out of me than to actually see him and that makes me sad. I watch all these babies shows where are all the woman are so excited to be pregnant and they just love being pregnant blah blah blah… and it actually makes me sick and sometimes I want to punch them. And all of that makes me feel so selfish. I want this baby more than anything and I should be enjoying all the kicks and movements (which I do) but I feel so guilty for wanting it out. There are so many women that never get the chance to be pregnant and here I am whining and complaining about it. I JUST WANT ME BACK!
While I read that it makes me sad to think that I felt all those things but truth be told I'm at it again. Except this time I think its worse. I'd like to feel different- I'd LOVE to feel different. My husband told me the other day that I'm never happy anymore and he just wants me happy and that really in a way hurt me. It didn't hurt me because it was hurtful thing to say but I didn't notice myself how unhappy I was. Everyone who knows me knows that I am not a person that is bothered by much but everything bothers me now. My son bothers me... my dogs bother me... I get frustrated when my son gets up from a nap... I get frustrated when Chris is 2 minutes late coming home from work... I get frustrated because I am pregnant again and how in the world am I going to take care of two (I put that midly!)... I don't sleep much anymore... I really don't take care of myself as much...
I talked to my doctor and I am seeing a therapist.
It's very frustrating to me. I want to LOVE being pregnant and LOVE everything that comes with it and I don't. It really is hard to explain to anyone and to make people understand how I feel seems impossible sometimes. I just wish that the doctor and therapist can help. Please pray from Chris, Caidan and I.
8 comments:
Bubba
I wish you were close, just so I could help, whether with Caidan, or just doing something special for you.
but you know your heavenly father is always with you. And sometimes you need to just relax. I love you hun, and I am glad your doctor is making you see a counselor. That will help. If you take your medicine, that will help too.
I know I can't do anything, but I know God is watching over you.
I know how you feel, I do.
Love ya, and miss you Sooooooooooooo very much. When you are here, do whatever, I will take care of Caidan, whatever food you want, let me know.
mom
Don't worry. I'm right here with you on hating being pregnant. This time is a lot worse for me and I don't even get morning sickness like I've heard you get pretty badly. I was doing alright but now its just awful because I can barely keep up with picking up the things that Warren gets out. I can't even think about actually cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, making dinner. I feel bad because I'm expecting my husband to do more and I get REALLY angry at him when he doesn't help out. I also have had those days I just want to surf the internet or watch tv and then I forget to take a nap and he gets up from his... by then I'm so tired I'm angry that he's waking up already. I'll make sure to tell you when it gets better, I really hope it gets better. Whats making it so much worse is I don't even feel married because I don't feel like being that way with my husband because I'm fat and awkward and tired... not only am I expecting him to do more around the house, I'm expecting him to be okay with basically being treated like a roommate. I really want to be back to myself but I think its more of a time to start learning how to deal with change and probably change myself. I don't think things will "go back" like I'd like them to, so I'm going to have to adapt. You know?
Oh Kalla...I just pray that things will get better and I know they will (just remember how great you felt when Caidan was finally here!)
I love you and wish you the best and am constantly praying for you to get better.
I'm so sorry, Kalla. I'll pray for you and your family.
Kalla,
You are so brave to share your feelings.. being a wife and mother is not easy, and you are doing a really good job. It is okay to feel down..and you are doing the responsible thing by talking about it. Keep your chin up, you won't be pregnant forever, and you'll have plenty of time to get your old self back :o)
Call or email me ANYTIME,
toadvijl@email.uc.edu
Jamie
ouchers... here's a long-distance hug for you...
Some of the most rewarding things are the most difficult. It seems that pregnancy falls into that category. I was not of the "I love pregnancy" persuasion. What I did love is that each part that was difficult had a purpose. Peeing every night, not being able to sleep, breasts aching, hip pain, labor contractions and the list goes on. God was preparing me for my child. I keep thinking of Hebrews 12 about enduring hardship as discipline. It soooo sucks in the process but God will produce a harvest. Love you and praying for you.
praying for you... i can relate... i did not enjoy my 2nd pregnancy... i was sooo tired and was riddled with aches, pain, impatience and guilt for not being as interested in playing with justice as i thought i should be. there is hope... things are much better now that my 2nd little guy is on the outside... emotionally & physically. soak up the grace and don't believe the enemy... you are a good mama and a good wife! joy will return! (and good job on seeking help).
jill d.
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