I love that song, “Accidentally in Love” by Counting Crows! But the problem is how can you accidentally be in love?
Here are the lyrics to the song…
So she said what's the problem baby
What's the problem I don't know
Well maybe I'm in love (love)
Think about it every timeI think about it
Can't stop thinking 'bout it
How much longer will it take to cure this
Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love (love)
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love
Come on, come on
Turn a little faster
Come on, come on
The world will follow after
Come on, come on
Cause everybody's after love
So I said I'm a snowball running
Running down into the spring that's coming all this love
Melting under blue skies
Belting out sunlight
Shimmering love
Well baby I surrender
To the strawberry ice cream
Never ever end of all this love
Well I didn't mean to do it
But there's no escaping your love
These lines of lightning
Mean we're never alone,
Never alone, no, no
We're accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally
I'm In Love, I'm in Love,
I'm in Love, I'm in Love,
I'm in Love, I'm in Love,
Accidentally
Come on, come on
Spin a little tighter
Come on, come on
And the world's a little brighter
Come on, come on
Just get yourself inside her
Love ...I'm in love
Can anyone explain that to me? I am not being dumb…normally I get songs, I understand them, but for a long time I have not understood this song? When you fall in love don’t you fall in love so why did they write “accidentally”? There are no accidents to falling in love…
I guess when I think of accidentally or accidents I think of car accidents, or when you forget to do something, or spilling your drink on accident… all those things are accidents but how is love an accident?
Can anyone tell me…
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Regrets
There are probably a lot of things in my life that I should regret, but I don’t. I don’t regret anything in my life because it has molded me to be who I am. I like who I am and I can’t wait to see who I become with each new journey.I don’t want to regret things in the future. Sometimes I think we (me) don’t take chances, don’t take risk, stay in situations because they are safe, comfortable, but are they really?
I’ve said it before and I haven’t done it. I want to take risk and all I’m doing is staying on the safe side. I don’t want to regret walking across the street. Yes, I can see the other side of the street, but do I really know what’s over there? Do I really know who or what might be over there if I just walk across?
I am a people pleaser and I want to please everyone. I want everyone to like me and I want to make everyone’s life better. Sometimes I don’t do enough for me and when it comes time to making decisions for me, it becomes really hard.
I don’t know how to trust. God, who I should trust the most, I don’t. I’ve avoided him the last couple weeks because I know that he’s going to tell me to do something that I really don’t want to do, because I am too scared to take a risk, too scared to trust that he could possibly know anything, and do damn stubborn.
I’m afraid that if I don’t trust God I will regret it for the rest of my life… so what do you do?
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Meant to do what you were meant for
What are you meant to do? Or do you not know? I do not know what I am meant to do with my life, but some people are lucky and know what they are meant to do.
I just finished watching Dreamer with Dakota Fanning and Kurt Russell. Sonador (the horse) was injured and was to be put down because she was basically useless. Instead Kurt Russell’s character bought him and believed that he could at least give him the chance to walk again, but little did he know that eventually the horse would run again.
The beauty of it is that that horse new that she was made to run. She knew that she had to do anything to get back out there and run… I just wish sometime we had that same mentality.
If I knew I was to become doctor then I would be out there with everything trying to become a doctor. If I knew that I was supposed to become a runner I would be out there running everyday. If I was supposed to be an actress then you can bet that I would be out there acting anywhere. But the problem is we never do it (me included).
Why don’t we fight for what we know? Why don’t we fight to become who we are instead of letting people walk all over us? Why don’t we put forth every moment in our lives to become who we were made for? Or if you don’t know then why don’t you find what you were made for?
I’m not saying that quitting your job right now is what you are supposed to do… who knows maybe that is part of your journey to find what you were meant for… but maybe not. I’m not saying go quit everything you are doing because that’s not what you were meant for. If you don’t know what you are meant to do then it’s probably not a good idea to just go quit everything because “it’s not you.” Maybe you don’t like what you are doing whether its in a job, or a volunteer role, or helping out friends, but that doesn’t mean that that’s not what you were meant to do.
I’m not saying that I know what anyone is meant to do…I don’t even know what I was meant to do. But I think sometimes we forget to fight for us. We try to figure out this crazy world that we live in that we sometimes forget what you were meant to do.
So my question is: Do you know what you were meant to do?
If you do: What are you doing to keep it going?
And if you don’t: What are you doing to figure that out?
I just finished watching Dreamer with Dakota Fanning and Kurt Russell. Sonador (the horse) was injured and was to be put down because she was basically useless. Instead Kurt Russell’s character bought him and believed that he could at least give him the chance to walk again, but little did he know that eventually the horse would run again.
The beauty of it is that that horse new that she was made to run. She knew that she had to do anything to get back out there and run… I just wish sometime we had that same mentality.
If I knew I was to become doctor then I would be out there with everything trying to become a doctor. If I knew that I was supposed to become a runner I would be out there running everyday. If I was supposed to be an actress then you can bet that I would be out there acting anywhere. But the problem is we never do it (me included).
Why don’t we fight for what we know? Why don’t we fight to become who we are instead of letting people walk all over us? Why don’t we put forth every moment in our lives to become who we were made for? Or if you don’t know then why don’t you find what you were made for?
I’m not saying that quitting your job right now is what you are supposed to do… who knows maybe that is part of your journey to find what you were meant for… but maybe not. I’m not saying go quit everything you are doing because that’s not what you were meant for. If you don’t know what you are meant to do then it’s probably not a good idea to just go quit everything because “it’s not you.” Maybe you don’t like what you are doing whether its in a job, or a volunteer role, or helping out friends, but that doesn’t mean that that’s not what you were meant to do.
I’m not saying that I know what anyone is meant to do…I don’t even know what I was meant to do. But I think sometimes we forget to fight for us. We try to figure out this crazy world that we live in that we sometimes forget what you were meant to do.
So my question is: Do you know what you were meant to do?
If you do: What are you doing to keep it going?
And if you don’t: What are you doing to figure that out?
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Outreach to the Drunk
I love outreaches (especially to the drunk)!!! But I never want to do them before I go out. I become someone that I don’t know (I don’t know if that’s a bad thing or a good thing) when I am out washing cars, handing out coke, or water and chips to people who are drunk. When I’m out there I’m not me.
Everyone knows that I am not a social person—I’m an introvert—I can be social when I’m “comfortable”, but at parties I tend to be the one in the other room all by myself or just standing there. But something happens to me when I go out to do an outreach and I never noticed this about myself until recently. I become talkative… I just talk to random strangers about whatever (normally why we are handing out water and chips or whatever the outreach is). I go up to random people and ask them if they want water… I don’t even go up to random people at parties, I don’t go up to people I know at parties at my house.
But I like that person. I like that person that cares less about her in the hour were out. It’s like a high on me?! I just wish I could figure out how to be that person all the time.
Last night we went out at 12:00AM (I don’t know if that was the time or not, I just know it was way past my bed time) and handed out water and chips to drunk people. Now first of all I love people that are drunk because they are just hilarious and you can always convince a drunk person they need water or chips (or anything really ;)). And I have never got hit on so many times within a short amount of time before. They were all really nice and really drunk so I let them all slide, but it’s funny what people do when they get a little alcohol in them.
Even though it was freezing outside and I got to bed late- I would do it every night.
Lets do it every night? :)
Everyone knows that I am not a social person—I’m an introvert—I can be social when I’m “comfortable”, but at parties I tend to be the one in the other room all by myself or just standing there. But something happens to me when I go out to do an outreach and I never noticed this about myself until recently. I become talkative… I just talk to random strangers about whatever (normally why we are handing out water and chips or whatever the outreach is). I go up to random people and ask them if they want water… I don’t even go up to random people at parties, I don’t go up to people I know at parties at my house.
But I like that person. I like that person that cares less about her in the hour were out. It’s like a high on me?! I just wish I could figure out how to be that person all the time.
Last night we went out at 12:00AM (I don’t know if that was the time or not, I just know it was way past my bed time) and handed out water and chips to drunk people. Now first of all I love people that are drunk because they are just hilarious and you can always convince a drunk person they need water or chips (or anything really ;)). And I have never got hit on so many times within a short amount of time before. They were all really nice and really drunk so I let them all slide, but it’s funny what people do when they get a little alcohol in them.
Even though it was freezing outside and I got to bed late- I would do it every night.
Lets do it every night? :)
Sunday, March 12, 2006
The birthday tour
Today’s a pretty big day. Its Steve’s Birthday!
And I just wanted to make sure we all experienced twenty nine years of Steve's life together!
And I just wanted to make sure we all experienced twenty nine years of Steve's life together!
Happy Birthday Steve! :)
From the beginning...
Are those pajamas?
Steve, mom?, and brother...
If you really like to plant flowers, you know we
do have a big garden out back?
First day of school? So cute!
That smile...
Senior picture...
Steve today...
The END! Or is it...
Check out everyone who is wishing you a happy birthday! :)
Monday, March 06, 2006
Playing games
So for the last couple of weeks I’ve watched the show The Bachelor. I know I know how could I watch that show, but I love it. It’s so funny to try and guess who’s the bitch, who’s not getting a rose this week, who you thinks going to win and blah blah blah. But last week and pervious weeks I have watched it and wondered how many girls are just “playing the game”?
Let’s be serious girls… could you honestly try and date a guy who was going out with fifteen different women? Would that honestly be okay with you? And could you honestly fall in “love” with him? Or would you play the “game”?
For me, I would play the game! I would charm him and make him think that I am the women for him, if in the end that means that I win. Maybe I would win him and that would be a nice prize but it would be even better to know that out of thousands of women I was the one that he chose. I can’t even imagine what was going through Sarah’s (the winner) head last week when she won. I know what would be going through my head, “I beat all those bitches!”
I hope that nobody thinks that I’m a bitch now because I say all that but as women I think we play games every day with men. And games that they aren’t aware of and games we might not be aware of. (Maybe I’m the only one that thinks like this and that could be the case with my messed up mind). I think so many times we get upset at guys because they play games, but sometimes I think we also forget that we play games too.
As women we want the guys heads to turn, we want the stares (if they aren’t from creepy men…Bragg ;)) we want to know that they are looking at us. We get dressed each morning with the thought of who we might see today or we might do certain things to get a guys attention. We want to be that girl that every guy looks at; we want to know that we have what it takes. Does the game ever end?
I think part of this game is getting what we don’t have, but when we get it is it enough or do we just keep playing the game? I would like to think that once we have it we might stop playing the game, but considering I’ve never gotten the one really think I want I can’t answer that question. I would hope that when I get married the game will stop and maybe a new game played with my husband, but again I don’t know.
I just know that I really don’t want to play the game anymore…
Let’s be serious girls… could you honestly try and date a guy who was going out with fifteen different women? Would that honestly be okay with you? And could you honestly fall in “love” with him? Or would you play the “game”?
For me, I would play the game! I would charm him and make him think that I am the women for him, if in the end that means that I win. Maybe I would win him and that would be a nice prize but it would be even better to know that out of thousands of women I was the one that he chose. I can’t even imagine what was going through Sarah’s (the winner) head last week when she won. I know what would be going through my head, “I beat all those bitches!”
I hope that nobody thinks that I’m a bitch now because I say all that but as women I think we play games every day with men. And games that they aren’t aware of and games we might not be aware of. (Maybe I’m the only one that thinks like this and that could be the case with my messed up mind). I think so many times we get upset at guys because they play games, but sometimes I think we also forget that we play games too.
As women we want the guys heads to turn, we want the stares (if they aren’t from creepy men…Bragg ;)) we want to know that they are looking at us. We get dressed each morning with the thought of who we might see today or we might do certain things to get a guys attention. We want to be that girl that every guy looks at; we want to know that we have what it takes. Does the game ever end?
I think part of this game is getting what we don’t have, but when we get it is it enough or do we just keep playing the game? I would like to think that once we have it we might stop playing the game, but considering I’ve never gotten the one really think I want I can’t answer that question. I would hope that when I get married the game will stop and maybe a new game played with my husband, but again I don’t know.
I just know that I really don’t want to play the game anymore…
Friday, March 03, 2006
Stuck in the middle
How do I have two groups of friends that just don’t get along? I love both, but I am sick of always being stuck in the middle. They all claim to like each other, but don’t dare put them any where near each other it might turn out really bad…PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME OUT OF IT!
But how do they leave me out of it? How do I leave them out of it?
I am frustrated, I want my friends to get a long with my friends…I don’t want to always feel like I am choosing one over the other.
Maybe it was me, maybe I just created this mess, maybe my friends will never be friends with each other but can you all be civil towards each other?
I’m stuck in the middle and I don’t know what to do!…?
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Pornography
I am disgusted by people who are addicted to porn. So many men and women today are addicted to pornography. I can’t believe that men or women would want to watch that and be mesmerized by it.
Then shouldn’t I be disgusted with myself? Yes, I am. I only talk about this issue because I have been addicted to porn. And I know what it can do to a person inside. Make you feel inadequate, guilty, and ashamed. For years I never mentioned a word to anyone about this because I was so ashamed of what I had done. I was 13, how did I get addicted to porn?
At first I think I was just interested…isn’t everyone? I mean I had heard of sex but I never knew what or how it went about. You watched sex scenes on television and as a little girl that’s what you assumed sex was. So the first time I saw it I was interested in what was happening. Before that I had heard of pornography, but I never really knew anyone who was addicted to it. I had heard pastors talk to men about being addicted to it but I never heard them talk to women about it, so part of me felt like I was a weirdo. A girl addicted to porn? Is that possible?
I was 13 years old when I got hooked. Honestly at that time I thought it was cool. Why, it’s not like anyone knew? But at that time it didn’t matter. I was doing something that I wasn’t supposed to and no one knew, but me and….OH…God! That’s what always made me fall to my knees crying. “God I am so sorry for doing it! How is it possible that you could and would still love me after all of this? Why do I deserve this? All I did was mess up?” I prayed that prayer so many times that I started wondering if God really believed me or not.
I’m not saying that porn is right in any of this but I do understand why so many people struggle with this addiction. For a girl who has an imaginary mind it doesn’t just go away, if it ever does go away? You may not be thinking about it one minute and then the next its right there in your mind. It’s not like smoking or drinking. You can hide those things and avoid them (and yes you can avoid porn) but it’s in your imaginary rolodex. All it takes is something to spark it, like a girl who is dressed inappropriately or a sex scene in a movie, or commercials. It really doesn’t take much.
The thing is people don’t understand how hard it is. They make their comments because they think they know what’s better but let me tell you, “Your comments don’t make anyone feel any better. It only makes us feel worse. We know that we have screwed up but we don’t need you or anyone else to continue to remind us of our mistakes.”
It’s probably the one thing I regret…
I don’t write this to tell you that I have had an addiction with porn but I write this to say you aren’t the only girl out there who struggles with it. And I understand what you are going through.
Then shouldn’t I be disgusted with myself? Yes, I am. I only talk about this issue because I have been addicted to porn. And I know what it can do to a person inside. Make you feel inadequate, guilty, and ashamed. For years I never mentioned a word to anyone about this because I was so ashamed of what I had done. I was 13, how did I get addicted to porn?
At first I think I was just interested…isn’t everyone? I mean I had heard of sex but I never knew what or how it went about. You watched sex scenes on television and as a little girl that’s what you assumed sex was. So the first time I saw it I was interested in what was happening. Before that I had heard of pornography, but I never really knew anyone who was addicted to it. I had heard pastors talk to men about being addicted to it but I never heard them talk to women about it, so part of me felt like I was a weirdo. A girl addicted to porn? Is that possible?
I was 13 years old when I got hooked. Honestly at that time I thought it was cool. Why, it’s not like anyone knew? But at that time it didn’t matter. I was doing something that I wasn’t supposed to and no one knew, but me and….OH…God! That’s what always made me fall to my knees crying. “God I am so sorry for doing it! How is it possible that you could and would still love me after all of this? Why do I deserve this? All I did was mess up?” I prayed that prayer so many times that I started wondering if God really believed me or not.
I’m not saying that porn is right in any of this but I do understand why so many people struggle with this addiction. For a girl who has an imaginary mind it doesn’t just go away, if it ever does go away? You may not be thinking about it one minute and then the next its right there in your mind. It’s not like smoking or drinking. You can hide those things and avoid them (and yes you can avoid porn) but it’s in your imaginary rolodex. All it takes is something to spark it, like a girl who is dressed inappropriately or a sex scene in a movie, or commercials. It really doesn’t take much.
The thing is people don’t understand how hard it is. They make their comments because they think they know what’s better but let me tell you, “Your comments don’t make anyone feel any better. It only makes us feel worse. We know that we have screwed up but we don’t need you or anyone else to continue to remind us of our mistakes.”
It’s probably the one thing I regret…
I don’t write this to tell you that I have had an addiction with porn but I write this to say you aren’t the only girl out there who struggles with it. And I understand what you are going through.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Now I’m just annoyed
This whole going to school and working full time sucks! I didn’t know what I was going to do about next quarter (if you don’t know what I am talking about go back and read UC sucks), but I figured I would sign up for classes and then if I needed to I would drop them.
So I go to register for my classes this afternoon and there is nothing! Everything is closed. The math that I need is closed, the English that I need is closed and the chemistry and biology I need they don’t even offer this quarter.
How annoying is that? All I want to do is go to school is that so hard to ask for?
So looks like I won’t be going to school next quarter… I guess I better start studying for the ACT. Anyone want to help me?
It’s not motivating me at all to finish this quarter. I have my final paper due in English in a couple weeks, and the final exam for math and I have no motivation. I never thought I would be so pissed about this. I don’t even like school. This sucks!
But you know what sucks even more? Check this out.
So I go to register for my classes this afternoon and there is nothing! Everything is closed. The math that I need is closed, the English that I need is closed and the chemistry and biology I need they don’t even offer this quarter.
How annoying is that? All I want to do is go to school is that so hard to ask for?
So looks like I won’t be going to school next quarter… I guess I better start studying for the ACT. Anyone want to help me?
It’s not motivating me at all to finish this quarter. I have my final paper due in English in a couple weeks, and the final exam for math and I have no motivation. I never thought I would be so pissed about this. I don’t even like school. This sucks!
But you know what sucks even more? Check this out.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Quick to judge
I hate that I am quick to judge. When I meet someone for the first time I instantly judge them and I instantly decided whether they are someone I could get a long with or not. If I didn’t get a good impression of you when I first met you chances are I won’t like you. People who have known me for a while like to say this about me: “The people you don’t like at first you end up loving and the people you like at first you end up hating.”I don’t give people a chance. I just automatically judge them. I knew all this about myself on the surface. I knew that I judged people but I never really knew how much I did it and I don’t like it.
Being in school I see a lot of different people. There are a few I don’t like and a few that I do like. But what makes me not like someone?
Is it because the dress a certain way?
Is it because they say something I don’t agree with?
Is it because they believe something different then I do?
Is it because I think that I am better than them?
Is it because I feel like I have a purpose compared to them?
All that’s judging and I bet I do it more times a day then I want to admit.
There is this kid in my class who dresses punkish. He always comes in to class late (if he comes) but the thing is he knows a lot. He knows more than me at least. I’m not saying that he knows everything. But sitting in class he can have a conversation with the professor about anything because he knows stuff. But I would have never have thought he knew that much just by walking by him in the hall. I took one look at him and thought that he knew nothing because of how he looked. I had never said anything to him and I thought he was dumb.
When I met one of my room mates for the first time I thought he was so weird. He looked weird to me. He was weird at that time to me. He came in grabbed a bowl of cereal went upstairs and then left. What was I supposed to think? But I never tried to get to know him at that time. I judge him right away because I honestly thought I was better than him. And I couldn’t believe that I was moving in with a weird guy. But people always prove me wrong. Turns out he isn’t weird…well sometimes. ;)
I don’t know how to stop judging people…it just feels like a habit (and that’s not an excuse) but I know that I want to get better. I don’t want people to judge me so I guess I should start by not judging other people…
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
UC sucks
I hate that I was home schooled. Why do schools not acknowledge the fact that I went to school just like everyone else? Why do I have to do everything different just because I was home schooled?
I love school and I really want to go (shocking coming from me). But every time I check in with school there is something else I have to do. I am half way done with this quarter and they are telling me that I am not “enrolled”. Well how can that be? I am taking classes and I have already paid you and I have filled out an application and paid you yet again for that… what else do you want me to do?
As you can tell I had a very bad day at school this morning. I wish I could say that this doesn’t bother me but it really does. I have never wanted some thing so bad that little things keep getting in my way.
One of the main reasons I picked Raymond Walters was because they didn’t need an ACT score from me (which was good because I never took the ACT or SAT). They told me from the beginning that I wouldn’t need to take the ACT as long as I took the placement test. Yeah! That’s what I was looking for. But now they are telling me that in order to finish my application process I have to either take the ACT or SAT or I have to go through this interview process, where they need a detailed description of the curriculum that I used and a narrative of my home school experience and then an interview with the director of enrollment.
Sounds simple you think right? NOT!
I don’t want to take the ACT. In order to get into nursing I have to get a 17. I know that should be easy, but to me its not. And maybe it’s just me. Maybe I put a lot of pressure on myself? Maybe I am scarred to fail? I’ve said this before but big test scare me! I get myself so worked up that I freak myself out and then I just go crazy. But maybe I am not the person that I was two years ago? Maybe in some weird way I have changed? Maybe I can do this? Maybe… (see the whole no confidence in me thing)
I mean there are a lot more benefits to taking the ACT: 1) if I ever wanted to go to a different school it would be a lot easier to go to because I would have taken the ACT.
Okay maybe that’s the only one… but that’s a pretty big benefit. If I did the interview it would only be for that school… what if years down the road I lived some where else and wanted to go get my masters or something else… what would happen if I didn’t have my ACT scores?
Why couldn’t I have been told all this months ago when I applied!!!!
I love school and I really want to go (shocking coming from me). But every time I check in with school there is something else I have to do. I am half way done with this quarter and they are telling me that I am not “enrolled”. Well how can that be? I am taking classes and I have already paid you and I have filled out an application and paid you yet again for that… what else do you want me to do?
As you can tell I had a very bad day at school this morning. I wish I could say that this doesn’t bother me but it really does. I have never wanted some thing so bad that little things keep getting in my way.
One of the main reasons I picked Raymond Walters was because they didn’t need an ACT score from me (which was good because I never took the ACT or SAT). They told me from the beginning that I wouldn’t need to take the ACT as long as I took the placement test. Yeah! That’s what I was looking for. But now they are telling me that in order to finish my application process I have to either take the ACT or SAT or I have to go through this interview process, where they need a detailed description of the curriculum that I used and a narrative of my home school experience and then an interview with the director of enrollment.
Sounds simple you think right? NOT!
I don’t want to take the ACT. In order to get into nursing I have to get a 17. I know that should be easy, but to me its not. And maybe it’s just me. Maybe I put a lot of pressure on myself? Maybe I am scarred to fail? I’ve said this before but big test scare me! I get myself so worked up that I freak myself out and then I just go crazy. But maybe I am not the person that I was two years ago? Maybe in some weird way I have changed? Maybe I can do this? Maybe… (see the whole no confidence in me thing)
I mean there are a lot more benefits to taking the ACT: 1) if I ever wanted to go to a different school it would be a lot easier to go to because I would have taken the ACT.
Okay maybe that’s the only one… but that’s a pretty big benefit. If I did the interview it would only be for that school… what if years down the road I lived some where else and wanted to go get my masters or something else… what would happen if I didn’t have my ACT scores?
Why couldn’t I have been told all this months ago when I applied!!!!
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Snow...
I am not in love with the snow!
How do we go from having sixty degree weather to it being thirties? This is crazy!
If its going to snow then it needs to really snow… you know the kind of snow where everything is closed because there’s just too much. The kind of snow where it’s so quiet outside because cars aren’t on the street because there is so much snow! The kind you can sleep in till noon because it doesn’t matter because you’re stuck at home.
If its going to snow then it should just really SNOW!
How do we go from having sixty degree weather to it being thirties? This is crazy!
If its going to snow then it needs to really snow… you know the kind of snow where everything is closed because there’s just too much. The kind of snow where it’s so quiet outside because cars aren’t on the street because there is so much snow! The kind you can sleep in till noon because it doesn’t matter because you’re stuck at home.
If its going to snow then it should just really SNOW!
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Daddy's little girl
I don’t think growing up I would have ever have called myself daddy’s little girl, but today I do.
My dad has shown me so much through out my life not only has he been a father, but he’s been a teacher and a friend. My dad has taught me everything I need to know about school, life, cars ;), boys, sex (my roommates will laugh), and most importantly about God.
I remember wanting to go places with my dad because we would have conversations about anything. He would dream about stuff and we would tell him how cool that sounds. There was always something breaking down in our house or cars, and I was always right there lending him a hand. It sounds dumb, but I would do anything to spend time with my dad.
Let’s just say from the beginning I was the difficult child. When I was a baby I never wanted to go to bed (that hasn’t changed today) and I would scream whenever they left the room. One night my dad thought he would be clever and put me in my crib slowly and duck down so I couldn’t see him and maybe I would go to sleep. So when I wasn’t crying (or I had stopped crying) he looked up only to find me looking right down at him. I was the smarter one or I just really enjoyed my dad!
Every night before we would go to bed he would pray with us (I say us because I shared a room with my sister or sisters) sing to us and sometimes read books. And half the time we would always have to wake him up because half way through singing he would fall asleep… but I didn’t care.
I was the one out of all four of us kids to get in trouble the most…or I just caused the most trouble…but every time my dad would spank us and then send us to our room after he calmed down and gave us sometime to think about what we did (or just to vent a lot) he would come up to “talk” to us. (I always hated those times as a kid, because I knew I would have to admit what I did and apologize) But then he would come talk to us, tell us why he spanked us and then the last thing he would do was tell us how much he loved us. No matter what I did or how angry he got, when a dad tells you how much he loves you you forget everything. The spanking that you got (that you thought was totally unfair) all goes away.
When I was home schooled and having trouble with my math or something (it always seemed like it was math) he would always tell me two things about math. 1) Write everything out, don’t do it in your head because you will mess things up that way (and I did) and 2) Always double check your work. I always heard him when he said that. But I never really wanted to put those into practice because that meant it would take longer. But Dad, I heard you and I am putting that into practice now! As kids we always hear what the parents say right? We just don’t always do what you say! J
Not that I am older I think I have grown to appreciate my dad and love him so much more. We meet every week for lunch. And it’s the best hour of my week. It feels like I am finally at a point where I can tell my dad a lot of things. I can talk about what is really going on in my life and let him know what God is doing with me. And when anything is seriously wrong with my car or life I know that I can always call him…which I normally do.
But the most important thing that my dad has taught me is to love God through everything. I would say my family has had its ups and downs but my Dad has been the example of faith through out it all.
My Dad is a loving and compassionate man. He is determined and sometimes successful! He is the most loving man that I know!
Thanks Dad for always being there for me through everything. Thank you for always being my support. I LOVE YOU!!!!!
My dad has shown me so much through out my life not only has he been a father, but he’s been a teacher and a friend. My dad has taught me everything I need to know about school, life, cars ;), boys, sex (my roommates will laugh), and most importantly about God.
I remember wanting to go places with my dad because we would have conversations about anything. He would dream about stuff and we would tell him how cool that sounds. There was always something breaking down in our house or cars, and I was always right there lending him a hand. It sounds dumb, but I would do anything to spend time with my dad.
Let’s just say from the beginning I was the difficult child. When I was a baby I never wanted to go to bed (that hasn’t changed today) and I would scream whenever they left the room. One night my dad thought he would be clever and put me in my crib slowly and duck down so I couldn’t see him and maybe I would go to sleep. So when I wasn’t crying (or I had stopped crying) he looked up only to find me looking right down at him. I was the smarter one or I just really enjoyed my dad!
Every night before we would go to bed he would pray with us (I say us because I shared a room with my sister or sisters) sing to us and sometimes read books. And half the time we would always have to wake him up because half way through singing he would fall asleep… but I didn’t care.
I was the one out of all four of us kids to get in trouble the most…or I just caused the most trouble…but every time my dad would spank us and then send us to our room after he calmed down and gave us sometime to think about what we did (or just to vent a lot) he would come up to “talk” to us. (I always hated those times as a kid, because I knew I would have to admit what I did and apologize) But then he would come talk to us, tell us why he spanked us and then the last thing he would do was tell us how much he loved us. No matter what I did or how angry he got, when a dad tells you how much he loves you you forget everything. The spanking that you got (that you thought was totally unfair) all goes away.
When I was home schooled and having trouble with my math or something (it always seemed like it was math) he would always tell me two things about math. 1) Write everything out, don’t do it in your head because you will mess things up that way (and I did) and 2) Always double check your work. I always heard him when he said that. But I never really wanted to put those into practice because that meant it would take longer. But Dad, I heard you and I am putting that into practice now! As kids we always hear what the parents say right? We just don’t always do what you say! J
Not that I am older I think I have grown to appreciate my dad and love him so much more. We meet every week for lunch. And it’s the best hour of my week. It feels like I am finally at a point where I can tell my dad a lot of things. I can talk about what is really going on in my life and let him know what God is doing with me. And when anything is seriously wrong with my car or life I know that I can always call him…which I normally do.
But the most important thing that my dad has taught me is to love God through everything. I would say my family has had its ups and downs but my Dad has been the example of faith through out it all.
My Dad is a loving and compassionate man. He is determined and sometimes successful! He is the most loving man that I know!
Thanks Dad for always being there for me through everything. Thank you for always being my support. I LOVE YOU!!!!!
Friday, February 10, 2006
Stubborn
I will admit it, I am very stubborn. I don’t like to be told that I have to do something (maybe everyone is like that) but if you tell me I have to do something I will refuse to do it, just because you told me to do it, unless I really want to do that thing and then I will jump with two feet right into it. It’s either one extreme or the other…I know.
Growing up with three siblings—I feel so sorry for them—I would never take no for an answer, or I would never give in if they wanted something of mine. What was mine was mine and nobody was going to get stuff from me, but I always took things from them. J You’d think growing up with a big family I wouldn’t be so stubborn…haha not the case.
When I started driving my parents always wanted to know where I was so they asked me every time I left the house to call them to let them know where or what I was doing. Why? If they really wanted to know where I was then why didn’t they call me? That’s was my thinking. (Sorry mom and dad.) So you can see how I got in trouble all the time because I wouldn’t give them a simple phone call to say, “Hey I am going to dinner. I’ll be home later.”
I know that all sounds bad, and you might be thinking it’s just a one minute phone call… but to me that wasn’t the point. To me the point was they wanted me to do something that I didn’t want too. (Good point I know!)
But I am starting to learn that some times being stubborn in life can’t happen. I’d like to think that if you ask me to do something I will do it. I have issues saying no and I am just someone that really likes to do stuff for people. But when I am TOLD to do something… I refuse.
I guess that’s why I hated school growing up. It wasn’t a choice for me…I HAD TO DO IT! And sometimes I would refuse. Not that I didn’t get in trouble when I would refuse, but getting in trouble was better than giving into to doing school that my parents wanted me to do. Which is why I never wanted to go to college!
I need to work on being unstubborn! (I just made up a word!)
Growing up with three siblings—I feel so sorry for them—I would never take no for an answer, or I would never give in if they wanted something of mine. What was mine was mine and nobody was going to get stuff from me, but I always took things from them. J You’d think growing up with a big family I wouldn’t be so stubborn…haha not the case.
When I started driving my parents always wanted to know where I was so they asked me every time I left the house to call them to let them know where or what I was doing. Why? If they really wanted to know where I was then why didn’t they call me? That’s was my thinking. (Sorry mom and dad.) So you can see how I got in trouble all the time because I wouldn’t give them a simple phone call to say, “Hey I am going to dinner. I’ll be home later.”
I know that all sounds bad, and you might be thinking it’s just a one minute phone call… but to me that wasn’t the point. To me the point was they wanted me to do something that I didn’t want too. (Good point I know!)
But I am starting to learn that some times being stubborn in life can’t happen. I’d like to think that if you ask me to do something I will do it. I have issues saying no and I am just someone that really likes to do stuff for people. But when I am TOLD to do something… I refuse.
I guess that’s why I hated school growing up. It wasn’t a choice for me…I HAD TO DO IT! And sometimes I would refuse. Not that I didn’t get in trouble when I would refuse, but getting in trouble was better than giving into to doing school that my parents wanted me to do. Which is why I never wanted to go to college!
I need to work on being unstubborn! (I just made up a word!)
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
You know those days
Its just one of those days…
…my bed seems to be calling my name.
…where I’m just not in the mood to talk.
…I want to go home and put on my pajamas. (How is that any different from any other day for me?)
…where time could go by much faster.
…to curl up in bed with all my blankets and pillows and watch a good movie.
…where the weather could be much nicer. (NOT FREEZING)
It’s just one of those days where nothing is going to make me happy.
…my bed seems to be calling my name.
…where I’m just not in the mood to talk.
…I want to go home and put on my pajamas. (How is that any different from any other day for me?)
…where time could go by much faster.
…to curl up in bed with all my blankets and pillows and watch a good movie.
…where the weather could be much nicer. (NOT FREEZING)
It’s just one of those days where nothing is going to make me happy.
Monday, January 30, 2006
I don't know what to do.
I don’t know what to do.It should be so easy for me to just pick up and go any where. I mean I’m nineteen with nothing holding me back…
Am I ready to let go of everything? Am I really ready to grow up? Can I handle being away away from my family? Am I ready to leave everything I know? Is this even what God wants? Or is it something I have made to be so great in my mind?
I don’t know what to do.
I believe that there are times in our lives when God gives us choices and either choice is okay because he is going to use me in either situation. I don’t like choices. “I really just want you to tell me where to go what to do God.”
It’s funny because I really don’t like when people tell me what to do and normally I tend to do the opposite but I really would just like God to tell me what to do. If he’s going to use me in either situation then why can’t he just tell me what to do?
I don’t know what to do.
I’m stuck. I am torn between two things that I really really love. I am torn between a life here and a life I don’t know somewhere else. But where is God going to use me more? Where am I going to feel safe and at home?
I don’t know what to do.
I like security. I like to know that I am secure and someone is always there to help me out. I like the idea of financial security. I like the idea that I know how to do things. I’m not someone who can drop everything and go. Oh that is not me at all. But what if you’ve felt that nudge? What if in a weird way God has been preparing me for that?
I don’t know what to do.
I like to have an idea in my head of what things might look like in the future. You know the whole “where do you see yourself in five years…” I have this idea in my head (and it really has never turned out to be what I think it is going to be) what my life will look like.
I don’t know what to do.
TAKE A RISK! Do you know me? I am not a risk taker at all. You might call me a safe-risk taker. I do everything from the side lines and maybe watch people at first and then do it. But I don’t know if I have ever just stepped out and did something in faith or just to take a risk. Yeah, I’ve thought about it…but I have never just jumped.
I don’t know what to do.
I would like to say that I have a lot of faith in God. But sometimes in these moments I think I have very little. I have very little faith that God can work things out the way they I want them to be. And maybe that’s the problem. The way I want them to be. Faith is and will never be about me. It will always be about someone who is much bigger than me.
I don’t know what to do.
See the pattern here…I really don’t know what to do.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
I want to be just like my sister
How come I can pull a blog out of my ass but I can't pull a three page paper out.
I just finished my second paper out of three maybe four for the class and I get so stressed out. Two weeks ago was the first time that I have really ever written a paper, sad I know. And I freaked out. I really don’t know what’s wrong. But everything inside of me tells me that I did everything wrong. I really break down and cry... its horrible I know!
Or maybe it’s the fact that I have had to follow in the steps of my older sister who for her the gift of well anything to do with school comes so natural. If only I had that gift. Don’t get me wrong I love my sister to death, she is my best friend but to have to follow after her in school every year was pretty hard. She didn’t have to try and she did it. I spend six hours on it and I’m not even done. Compared to her I am stupid.
Sometimes I wish I could be like my sister… I honestly don't know what I do with out her in my life. Not many people understand my weirdness but she does and she still loves me! I like to think that we take care of each other but she really takes care of me. She is definitely my older sister. She knows how to make me laugh when I am having a bad day. She knows how to beat me up (even though i think she take the easy way out) but most of all she knows how to love me! She is my best friend. I have thought about what would ever happen if one of us moved away and I think the other one would have to go. We are so close that she knows when I'm not "me."
I love you Bets! (for the longest time I couldn't spell her name...haha...thats funny)
I just finished my second paper out of three maybe four for the class and I get so stressed out. Two weeks ago was the first time that I have really ever written a paper, sad I know. And I freaked out. I really don’t know what’s wrong. But everything inside of me tells me that I did everything wrong. I really break down and cry... its horrible I know!
Or maybe it’s the fact that I have had to follow in the steps of my older sister who for her the gift of well anything to do with school comes so natural. If only I had that gift. Don’t get me wrong I love my sister to death, she is my best friend but to have to follow after her in school every year was pretty hard. She didn’t have to try and she did it. I spend six hours on it and I’m not even done. Compared to her I am stupid.
Sometimes I wish I could be like my sister… I honestly don't know what I do with out her in my life. Not many people understand my weirdness but she does and she still loves me! I like to think that we take care of each other but she really takes care of me. She is definitely my older sister. She knows how to make me laugh when I am having a bad day. She knows how to beat me up (even though i think she take the easy way out) but most of all she knows how to love me! She is my best friend. I have thought about what would ever happen if one of us moved away and I think the other one would have to go. We are so close that she knows when I'm not "me."
I love you Bets! (for the longest time I couldn't spell her name...haha...thats funny)
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Smoking
I have to write a paper for school arguing one of two papers and after I have read both I am stuck.One paper is about a lady who is 52 and has been smoking since she was 26. She talks about how people treat her because she is a smoker. She believes that all people hate her because she smokes. She said, “Smokist don’t hate the sin, they hate the sinner, and they don’t care who knows it.” I don’t hate the “sinner.” It’s not about the “sinner”; it’s about the “sin” and what it does to your body. She goes on to talk about how society views smokers…
The other paper is against smoking and how we should do everything we can to stop people from smoking and the affects of cancer. But it is very forward, very harsh to me.
I am torn because I have no idea what to argue, on one hand I understand and agree with the second paper. I don’t think people should smoke. I have seen the affects of what smoking can do to a person. But at the same time I can understand what the first one is talking about too. Since she was born her mom smoked. She knows nothing wrong with it. And she lives in a culture where we aren’t afraid to speak up.
I am not for smoking at all. I don’t like it. I think it’s a bad habit and gross. But it’s not my right to tell someone not to. I can only tell you what I think of it.
So how do I argue one of those…
I guess I kind of answered my own question.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Dreams
Do you ever know what to expect from your dreams?Sometimes I have far out dreams, sometimes my dreams are silly, and sometimes my dreams are scary (very scary) but sometimes I have dreams of things I know I should do just too scared to do them. You know what I mean?
Do you ever remember your dreams? I always remember the ones that I don’t want to and I can never remember what happens in the ones with me and Dane Cook… ;). I wish I didn’t wake up right in the middle of a good part, which always happens. (I'll leave the details out)
Have you ever felt like a dream was real life? Have you ever woken up and wondered “Was I dreaming or did I miss something yesterday”? Sometimes through out the day I’ll remember something that has happened but then I remember it was a dream.
I don’t know what to expect from my dreams. I don’t know if they ever mean something or if they're just for fun. Obviously I know that some are just for fun. But what about those ones, the ones that I can’t stop thinking about for weeks, the ones where I have felt like I am supposed to do that? What if dreams mean something?
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