Houston Day 1

Here are some pictures from the airplane as we were getting ready to land.














This would be my view from the airplane... I am not a big fan of wing seats but It was okay... :)
















Yet another shot... I don't know what that line is...hmmm?
















Here is the sky... so pretty!
















I just loved this picture....





















This would be Bella... she went to the vet today to get fixed :(/:)... I bet she won't be as hyper today as she was yesterday. She fell in love with me. I went for a run last night and she sat by the door and whined until I got back... hehe!

More tomorrow! :)

I miss everyone at home... :(

Just some random thoughts

Here is some random thoughts because I can’t really sleep at the moment…

I have realized that I am way out of shape…
Decided to go running with a friend tonight (it wasn’t really a run, more like a walk) and let me tell you it was very funny for me and I bet my friend was laughing on the inside too. ;)
But we have this big ass hill on our road and I think I did very well I made it half way up... :/? I just get out of breath way too easily.

I realized I have a lot of shitless stuff…
(Is shitless even a word?)
And what I mean by that is I have a lot of stuff that never gets used. I just can’t seem to get myself to throw them away, like every time I go shopping I save all my bags. Doesn’t seem like that big of a deal? But the problem is I never use them again. I fold them up neatly and put them into my suitcases until I need my suitcases and then I find a place for them. Until now…
It was very hard for me but I went through all my bags and threw away over half of them. I had bags from 2 ½ years ago! There aren’t any attachments to them other then I think its ridiculous that Old Navy, Victoria Secret, American Eagle, Gap, and Aeropostale all give away very very nice bags. :)

I am going to Houston tomorrow and I am excited and scared…
(just for a visit)
I am not a patient person-well I guess with some things more than others. I am not patient when I know that everything is going to change in just a short time.
IT’S GOING TO BE 92 DEGREES TOMORROW! HOLY SHIT!
I guess I knew it was going to be hot but I didn’t know that hot. And I have purposely not looked at the temperature until this moment because I didn’t want to whine about the weather all week.

I have realized I have been really mean to people lately…
I just snap at people constantly, okay maybe just a few people. And I half know why I am doing it. See I have this weird messed up theory that when I leave some place or some one else leaves if I ignore them or I am mean to them then I can’t get hurt when we have to say goodbye.
So if I have snapped at you or have been mean to you this past week I am sorry. ;)

I have realized that I am not as innocent as what people think I am…
I will leave that thought just like that.

I have realized that being single isn’t that bad…
Yes I would love to be in a relationship, but sometimes being single isn’t that bad either. You don’t have to worry about having to hang out with your boyfriend/girlfriend. There is a lot of freedom with what you can do, who can hang out with… If I wasn’t single at this moment then I don’t know if I would be taking this giant leap of faith.

I have realized that I think about sex way too much…
I don’t think that it is bad to think about sex, but when it occupies your thoughts a lot it becomes a problem. You tend to want to act on those thoughts and it becomes a real problem. (See I am not innocent…:))

I have realized that in six weeks I will be leaving…
AHHH scary! I am leaving a whole bunch of stuff behind… but hopefully I will get to get to have new memories and new lessons to learn.

I have realized that I am sick of church…
I am sick of the bull crap that goes on behind the scenes. I have never gone to a church just to “go to church”. I love to help in anyway possible (and a lot of this is my fault) but I just over do myself a lot. I don’t know how to say no… I don’t know if its in my vocabulary? If there is a need I want to fill it.
I also think that somewhere a long this big road we have really lost the sight of church. Maybe I am wrong and I could be…

I love the saying, “The church has left the building.” We make church this thing that we go to once a week for one hour, walk in grab a cup of coffee, sit down, stand up to worship, sit to listen to the speaker talk for 30 minutes, and then leave. It seems like people think that that is all they have to do. And maybe they are getting more than enough from that, but then again maybe not. I am sick of the church thinking about holidays as a way to get new people to come and experience something more… What about all the other 50 weekends out of the year? Are we not allowed to invite people?

I have realized that people trust me a lot…
I have seen this all my life but people trust me. Which is kind of scary? Isn’t it scary when people trust you? I am glad that they trust me, but I guess I don’t trust many people so I don’t expect people to trust me so quickly.


I told you those were some very random thoughts. And that is exactly how I think of them in that order... ;)Sometimes you just need to write to relax… I do atleast.

Bittersweet

I think I have stepped off the high and into realization. They last couple of days have been really hard for me… very emotional and sad. I started realizing everything that I am going to miss, and all the memories I have here.

I am very excited to be going to Houston and experience this new journey, but I am also very sad that I have to say goodbye to everyone that I love, everyone that has contributed to me becoming who I am today, and everyone that I love (I know I already said that…that’s because I love them a lot :)).

This is going to be a long seven weeks!

Accountability

What do you think about accountability?

Here’s what I think…
I love the idea behind accountability but does it really help? (I’m going to use sex as an example for everything) If you were dating someone and you both are struggling with crossing the line a few too many times and your accountability was great in trying to help you set up some guidelines… what happens if you never stayed with those guidelines? What if you continually go to the next level all the time, even talking with your accountability?

I guess here’s my issue… if you wanted to have sex with your boyfriend then you would just do it. You wouldn’t be thinking, “Oh I need to call Sally (accountability) so I won’t have sex with Joe tonight.” I mean come on are you really thinking about your accountability if your getting intimate with your boyfriend? I doubt it! And if you are, are you really thinking about saying no and not having sex? I can guarantee the only thing on your mind is sex at that moment.

And another thing… how does an your accountability help if all you do is have sex tell him, have sex tell him, have sex tell him. That’s not accountability …to me.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of accountability. I think its great and some people do it very well and receive it very well. I guess I just have issues. Maybe I haven’t had great experiences with accountability or maybe it’s just my stubborn side.

I also believe that in order to have a great accountability you have to have a great relationship with that person. Sometimes you need to be able to tell them the hard stuff and sometimes you need to be able to hear the hard stuff. You have to be able to tell them anything with out feeling like you are going to get stoned.

So those are my thoughts on it what about yours?

Leaving Cincinnati

The time has come for me to leave Cincinnati. I have had to make some hard decisions in my life, but never have I had to make one that was this hard.

At the end of May I will be leaving Cincinnati. Could be for 3 months or it could be for 3 years, I really don’t know. But I do know that as hard as this is for me it’s the right thing to do.

So were will I be going you ask? It’s kind of very far from here… Houston, Texas.

I have been given an incredible opportunity to work with VMG (Vineyard Music Group). And to hang out with some amazing people.

It’s very scary, exciting, sad, did I mention scary and sad? I am very excited to see this journey unfold but at the same time I am very sad. There are so many great people here that I love so much (and you know who you are) that made this decision so much harder (and believe me it was so much harder), but I know that I am making the right decision as hard as it is. Nothing about any of this decision is great at the moment, for me and probably for a whole bunch of other people.

The idea of going to a brand new place is very very scary to me. I know people down there but I am leaving everyone I know and love. If you know me then you know that I don’t meet people very easily, it’s just never been my personality, so it’s very very very hard for me to leave people that I am comfortable with. But like I said I know that this is the right thing. God has confirmed it over and over again to me.

Cincinnati will always be my home. I have made some amazing friends and I have done things that I never ever thought I would have done. I may be ending a journey in my life but the best part of ending something is getting to start something new.

I know there will be questions that everyone will want to ask so please don’t be afraid to ask.

Great and sucky

Have you ever had life be so great yet it sucks so much? Exactly where I’m at!

It’s going so great and so many great things are happening and going to happen, but there are really sucky parts about it that have to happen.

Here’s to a great and sucky life at the moment!

Accidentally in love

I love that song, “Accidentally in Love” by Counting Crows! But the problem is how can you accidentally be in love?

Here are the lyrics to the song…

So she said what's the problem baby
What's the problem I don't know
Well maybe I'm in love (love)
Think about it every timeI think about it
Can't stop thinking 'bout it

How much longer will it take to cure this
Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love (love)
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love
Come on, come on
Turn a little faster
Come on, come on
The world will follow after
Come on, come on

Cause everybody's after love
So I said I'm a snowball running
Running down into the spring that's coming all this love
Melting under blue skies
Belting out sunlight
Shimmering love

Well baby I surrender
To the strawberry ice cream
Never ever end of all this love
Well I didn't mean to do it
But there's no escaping your love

These lines of lightning
Mean we're never alone,
Never alone, no, no

We're accidentally in love
Accidentally in love

Accidentally

I'm In Love, I'm in Love,
I'm in Love, I'm in Love,
I'm in Love, I'm in Love,
Accidentally

Come on, come on
Spin a little tighter
Come on, come on
And the world's a little brighter
Come on, come on
Just get yourself inside her

Love ...I'm in love

Can anyone explain that to me? I am not being dumb…normally I get songs, I understand them, but for a long time I have not understood this song? When you fall in love don’t you fall in love so why did they write “accidentally”? There are no accidents to falling in love…

I guess when I think of accidentally or accidents I think of car accidents, or when you forget to do something, or spilling your drink on accident… all those things are accidents but how is love an accident?

Can anyone tell me…

Regrets

There are probably a lot of things in my life that I should regret, but I don’t. I don’t regret anything in my life because it has molded me to be who I am. I like who I am and I can’t wait to see who I become with each new journey.

I don’t want to regret things in the future. Sometimes I think we (me) don’t take chances, don’t take risk, stay in situations because they are safe, comfortable, but are they really?

I’ve said it before and I haven’t done it. I want to take risk and all I’m doing is staying on the safe side. I don’t want to regret walking across the street. Yes, I can see the other side of the street, but do I really know what’s over there? Do I really know who or what might be over there if I just walk across?

I am a people pleaser and I want to please everyone. I want everyone to like me and I want to make everyone’s life better. Sometimes I don’t do enough for me and when it comes time to making decisions for me, it becomes really hard.

I don’t know how to trust. God, who I should trust the most, I don’t. I’ve avoided him the last couple weeks because I know that he’s going to tell me to do something that I really don’t want to do, because I am too scared to take a risk, too scared to trust that he could possibly know anything, and do damn stubborn.

I’m afraid that if I don’t trust God I will regret it for the rest of my life… so what do you do?

Meant to do what you were meant for

What are you meant to do? Or do you not know? I do not know what I am meant to do with my life, but some people are lucky and know what they are meant to do.

I just finished watching Dreamer with Dakota Fanning and Kurt Russell. Sonador (the horse) was injured and was to be put down because she was basically useless. Instead Kurt Russell’s character bought him and believed that he could at least give him the chance to walk again, but little did he know that eventually the horse would run again.

The beauty of it is that that horse new that she was made to run. She knew that she had to do anything to get back out there and run… I just wish sometime we had that same mentality.

If I knew I was to become doctor then I would be out there with everything trying to become a doctor. If I knew that I was supposed to become a runner I would be out there running everyday. If I was supposed to be an actress then you can bet that I would be out there acting anywhere. But the problem is we never do it (me included).

Why don’t we fight for what we know? Why don’t we fight to become who we are instead of letting people walk all over us? Why don’t we put forth every moment in our lives to become who we were made for? Or if you don’t know then why don’t you find what you were made for?

I’m not saying that quitting your job right now is what you are supposed to do… who knows maybe that is part of your journey to find what you were meant for… but maybe not. I’m not saying go quit everything you are doing because that’s not what you were meant for. If you don’t know what you are meant to do then it’s probably not a good idea to just go quit everything because “it’s not you.” Maybe you don’t like what you are doing whether its in a job, or a volunteer role, or helping out friends, but that doesn’t mean that that’s not what you were meant to do.

I’m not saying that I know what anyone is meant to do…I don’t even know what I was meant to do. But I think sometimes we forget to fight for us. We try to figure out this crazy world that we live in that we sometimes forget what you were meant to do.

So my question is: Do you know what you were meant to do?

If you do: What are you doing to keep it going?

And if you don’t: What are you doing to figure that out?

Outreach to the Drunk

I love outreaches (especially to the drunk)!!! But I never want to do them before I go out. I become someone that I don’t know (I don’t know if that’s a bad thing or a good thing) when I am out washing cars, handing out coke, or water and chips to people who are drunk. When I’m out there I’m not me.

Everyone knows that I am not a social person—I’m an introvert—I can be social when I’m “comfortable”, but at parties I tend to be the one in the other room all by myself or just standing there. But something happens to me when I go out to do an outreach and I never noticed this about myself until recently. I become talkative… I just talk to random strangers about whatever (normally why we are handing out water and chips or whatever the outreach is). I go up to random people and ask them if they want water… I don’t even go up to random people at parties, I don’t go up to people I know at parties at my house.

But I like that person. I like that person that cares less about her in the hour were out. It’s like a high on me?! I just wish I could figure out how to be that person all the time.

Last night we went out at 12:00AM (I don’t know if that was the time or not, I just know it was way past my bed time) and handed out water and chips to drunk people. Now first of all I love people that are drunk because they are just hilarious and you can always convince a drunk person they need water or chips (or anything really ;)). And I have never got hit on so many times within a short amount of time before. They were all really nice and really drunk so I let them all slide, but it’s funny what people do when they get a little alcohol in them.

Even though it was freezing outside and I got to bed late- I would do it every night.
Lets do it every night? :)

The birthday tour

Today’s a pretty big day. Its Steve’s Birthday!

And I just wanted to make sure we all experienced twenty nine years of Steve's life together!

Happy Birthday Steve! :)

From the beginning...
Are those pajamas?

Steve, mom?, and brother...

If you really like to plant flowers, you know we
do have a big garden out back?

First day of school? So cute!

That smile...

Senior picture...

Steve today...
The END! Or is it...

Check out everyone who is wishing you a happy birthday! :)

Aaron

Anne

Brooke

Courtney

Lori

Marsha

Sean

Playing games

So for the last couple of weeks I’ve watched the show The Bachelor. I know I know how could I watch that show, but I love it. It’s so funny to try and guess who’s the bitch, who’s not getting a rose this week, who you thinks going to win and blah blah blah. But last week and pervious weeks I have watched it and wondered how many girls are just “playing the game”?

Let’s be serious girls… could you honestly try and date a guy who was going out with fifteen different women? Would that honestly be okay with you? And could you honestly fall in “love” with him? Or would you play the “game”?

For me, I would play the game! I would charm him and make him think that I am the women for him, if in the end that means that I win. Maybe I would win him and that would be a nice prize but it would be even better to know that out of thousands of women I was the one that he chose. I can’t even imagine what was going through Sarah’s (the winner) head last week when she won. I know what would be going through my head, “I beat all those bitches!”

I hope that nobody thinks that I’m a bitch now because I say all that but as women I think we play games every day with men. And games that they aren’t aware of and games we might not be aware of. (Maybe I’m the only one that thinks like this and that could be the case with my messed up mind). I think so many times we get upset at guys because they play games, but sometimes I think we also forget that we play games too.


As women we want the guys heads to turn, we want the stares (if they aren’t from creepy men…Bragg ;)) we want to know that they are looking at us. We get dressed each morning with the thought of who we might see today or we might do certain things to get a guys attention. We want to be that girl that every guy looks at; we want to know that we have what it takes. Does the game ever end?

I think part of this game is getting what we don’t have, but when we get it is it enough or do we just keep playing the game? I would like to think that once we have it we might stop playing the game, but considering I’ve never gotten the one really think I want I can’t answer that question. I would hope that when I get married the game will stop and maybe a new game played with my husband, but again I don’t know.

I just know that I really don’t want to play the game anymore…

Stuck in the middle

How do I have two groups of friends that just don’t get along? I love both, but I am sick of always being stuck in the middle. They all claim to like each other, but don’t dare put them any where near each other it might turn out really bad…

PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME OUT OF IT!
But how do they leave me out of it? How do I leave them out of it?

I am frustrated, I want my friends to get a long with my friends…I don’t want to always feel like I am choosing one over the other.

Maybe it was me, maybe I just created this mess, maybe my friends will never be friends with each other but can you all be civil towards each other?

I’m stuck in the middle and I don’t know what to do!…?

Pornography

I am disgusted by people who are addicted to porn. So many men and women today are addicted to pornography. I can’t believe that men or women would want to watch that and be mesmerized by it.

Then shouldn’t I be disgusted with myself? Yes, I am. I only talk about this issue because I have been addicted to porn. And I know what it can do to a person inside. Make you feel inadequate, guilty, and ashamed. For years I never mentioned a word to anyone about this because I was so ashamed of what I had done. I was 13, how did I get addicted to porn?

At first I think I was just interested…isn’t everyone? I mean I had heard of sex but I never knew what or how it went about. You watched sex scenes on television and as a little girl that’s what you assumed sex was. So the first time I saw it I was interested in what was happening. Before that I had heard of pornography, but I never really knew anyone who was addicted to it. I had heard pastors talk to men about being addicted to it but I never heard them talk to women about it, so part of me felt like I was a weirdo. A girl addicted to porn? Is that possible?

I was 13 years old when I got hooked. Honestly at that time I thought it was cool. Why, it’s not like anyone knew? But at that time it didn’t matter. I was doing something that I wasn’t supposed to and no one knew, but me and….OH…God! That’s what always made me fall to my knees crying. “God I am so sorry for doing it! How is it possible that you could and would still love me after all of this? Why do I deserve this? All I did was mess up?” I prayed that prayer so many times that I started wondering if God really believed me or not.

I’m not saying that porn is right in any of this but I do understand why so many people struggle with this addiction. For a girl who has an imaginary mind it doesn’t just go away, if it ever does go away? You may not be thinking about it one minute and then the next its right there in your mind. It’s not like smoking or drinking. You can hide those things and avoid them (and yes you can avoid porn) but it’s in your imaginary rolodex. All it takes is something to spark it, like a girl who is dressed inappropriately or a sex scene in a movie, or commercials. It really doesn’t take much.

The thing is people don’t understand how hard it is. They make their comments because they think they know what’s better but let me tell you, “Your comments don’t make anyone feel any better. It only makes us feel worse. We know that we have screwed up but we don’t need you or anyone else to continue to remind us of our mistakes.”

It’s probably the one thing I regret…

I don’t write this to tell you that I have had an addiction with porn but I write this to say you aren’t the only girl out there who struggles with it. And I understand what you are going through.

Now I’m just annoyed

This whole going to school and working full time sucks! I didn’t know what I was going to do about next quarter (if you don’t know what I am talking about go back and read UC sucks), but I figured I would sign up for classes and then if I needed to I would drop them.

So I go to register for my classes this afternoon and there is nothing! Everything is closed. The math that I need is closed, the English that I need is closed and the chemistry and biology I need they don’t even offer this quarter.

How annoying is that? All I want to do is go to school is that so hard to ask for?

So looks like I won’t be going to school next quarter… I guess I better start studying for the ACT. Anyone want to help me?

It’s not motivating me at all to finish this quarter. I have my final paper due in English in a couple weeks, and the final exam for math and I have no motivation. I never thought I would be so pissed about this. I don’t even like school. This sucks!

But you know what sucks even more? Check this out.

Quick to judge

I hate that I am quick to judge. When I meet someone for the first time I instantly judge them and I instantly decided whether they are someone I could get a long with or not. If I didn’t get a good impression of you when I first met you chances are I won’t like you. People who have known me for a while like to say this about me: “The people you don’t like at first you end up loving and the people you like at first you end up hating.”

I don’t give people a chance. I just automatically judge them. I knew all this about myself on the surface. I knew that I judged people but I never really knew how much I did it and I don’t like it.

Being in school I see a lot of different people. There are a few I don’t like and a few that I do like. But what makes me not like someone?

Is it because the dress a certain way?
Is it because they say something I don’t agree with?
Is it because they believe something different then I do?
Is it because I think that I am better than them?
Is it because I feel like I have a purpose compared to them?

All that’s judging and I bet I do it more times a day then I want to admit.

There is this kid in my class who dresses punkish. He always comes in to class late (if he comes) but the thing is he knows a lot. He knows more than me at least. I’m not saying that he knows everything. But sitting in class he can have a conversation with the professor about anything because he knows stuff. But I would have never have thought he knew that much just by walking by him in the hall. I took one look at him and thought that he knew nothing because of how he looked. I had never said anything to him and I thought he was dumb.

When I met one of my room mates for the first time I thought he was so weird. He looked weird to me. He was weird at that time to me. He came in grabbed a bowl of cereal went upstairs and then left. What was I supposed to think? But I never tried to get to know him at that time. I judge him right away because I honestly thought I was better than him. And I couldn’t believe that I was moving in with a weird guy. But people always prove me wrong. Turns out he isn’t weird…well sometimes. ;)

I don’t know how to stop judging people…it just feels like a habit (and that’s not an excuse) but I know that I want to get better. I don’t want people to judge me so I guess I should start by not judging other people…

Creativity

What does being creative mean to you? Or what does creativity look like to you?

UC sucks

I hate that I was home schooled. Why do schools not acknowledge the fact that I went to school just like everyone else? Why do I have to do everything different just because I was home schooled?

I love school and I really want to go (shocking coming from me). But every time I check in with school there is something else I have to do. I am half way done with this quarter and they are telling me that I am not “enrolled”. Well how can that be? I am taking classes and I have already paid you and I have filled out an application and paid you yet again for that… what else do you want me to do?

As you can tell I had a very bad day at school this morning. I wish I could say that this doesn’t bother me but it really does. I have never wanted some thing so bad that little things keep getting in my way.

One of the main reasons I picked Raymond Walters was because they didn’t need an ACT score from me (which was good because I never took the ACT or SAT). They told me from the beginning that I wouldn’t need to take the ACT as long as I took the placement test. Yeah! That’s what I was looking for. But now they are telling me that in order to finish my application process I have to either take the ACT or SAT or I have to go through this interview process, where they need a detailed description of the curriculum that I used and a narrative of my home school experience and then an interview with the director of enrollment.

Sounds simple you think right? NOT!

I don’t want to take the ACT. In order to get into nursing I have to get a 17. I know that should be easy, but to me its not. And maybe it’s just me. Maybe I put a lot of pressure on myself? Maybe I am scarred to fail? I’ve said this before but big test scare me! I get myself so worked up that I freak myself out and then I just go crazy. But maybe I am not the person that I was two years ago? Maybe in some weird way I have changed? Maybe I can do this? Maybe… (see the whole no confidence in me thing)

I mean there are a lot more benefits to taking the ACT: 1) if I ever wanted to go to a different school it would be a lot easier to go to because I would have taken the ACT.
Okay maybe that’s the only one… but that’s a pretty big benefit. If I did the interview it would only be for that school… what if years down the road I lived some where else and wanted to go get my masters or something else… what would happen if I didn’t have my ACT scores?

Why couldn’t I have been told all this months ago when I applied!!!!

Snow...

I am not in love with the snow!

How do we go from having sixty degree weather to it being thirties? This is crazy!

If its going to snow then it needs to really snow… you know the kind of snow where everything is closed because there’s just too much. The kind of snow where it’s so quiet outside because cars aren’t on the street because there is so much snow! The kind you can sleep in till noon because it doesn’t matter because you’re stuck at home.

If its going to snow then it should just really SNOW!

Daddy's little girl

I don’t think growing up I would have ever have called myself daddy’s little girl, but today I do.

My dad has shown me so much through out my life not only has he been a father, but he’s been a teacher and a friend. My dad has taught me everything I need to know about school, life, cars ;), boys, sex (my roommates will laugh), and most importantly about God.

I remember wanting to go places with my dad because we would have conversations about anything. He would dream about stuff and we would tell him how cool that sounds. There was always something breaking down in our house or cars, and I was always right there lending him a hand. It sounds dumb, but I would do anything to spend time with my dad.

Let’s just say from the beginning I was the difficult child. When I was a baby I never wanted to go to bed (that hasn’t changed today) and I would scream whenever they left the room. One night my dad thought he would be clever and put me in my crib slowly and duck down so I couldn’t see him and maybe I would go to sleep. So when I wasn’t crying (or I had stopped crying) he looked up only to find me looking right down at him. I was the smarter one or I just really enjoyed my dad!

Every night before we would go to bed he would pray with us (I say us because I shared a room with my sister or sisters) sing to us and sometimes read books. And half the time we would always have to wake him up because half way through singing he would fall asleep… but I didn’t care.

I was the one out of all four of us kids to get in trouble the most…or I just caused the most trouble…but every time my dad would spank us and then send us to our room after he calmed down and gave us sometime to think about what we did (or just to vent a lot) he would come up to “talk” to us. (I always hated those times as a kid, because I knew I would have to admit what I did and apologize) But then he would come talk to us, tell us why he spanked us and then the last thing he would do was tell us how much he loved us. No matter what I did or how angry he got, when a dad tells you how much he loves you you forget everything. The spanking that you got (that you thought was totally unfair) all goes away.

When I was home schooled and having trouble with my math or something (it always seemed like it was math) he would always tell me two things about math. 1) Write everything out, don’t do it in your head because you will mess things up that way (and I did) and 2) Always double check your work. I always heard him when he said that. But I never really wanted to put those into practice because that meant it would take longer. But Dad, I heard you and I am putting that into practice now! As kids we always hear what the parents say right? We just don’t always do what you say! J

Not that I am older I think I have grown to appreciate my dad and love him so much more. We meet every week for lunch. And it’s the best hour of my week. It feels like I am finally at a point where I can tell my dad a lot of things. I can talk about what is really going on in my life and let him know what God is doing with me. And when anything is seriously wrong with my car or life I know that I can always call him…which I normally do.

But the most important thing that my dad has taught me is to love God through everything. I would say my family has had its ups and downs but my Dad has been the example of faith through out it all.

My Dad is a loving and compassionate man. He is determined and sometimes successful! He is the most loving man that I know!

Thanks Dad for always being there for me through everything. Thank you for always being my support. I LOVE YOU!!!!!

Stubborn

I will admit it, I am very stubborn. I don’t like to be told that I have to do something (maybe everyone is like that) but if you tell me I have to do something I will refuse to do it, just because you told me to do it, unless I really want to do that thing and then I will jump with two feet right into it. It’s either one extreme or the other…I know.

Growing up with three siblings—I feel so sorry for them—I would never take no for an answer, or I would never give in if they wanted something of mine. What was mine was mine and nobody was going to get stuff from me, but I always took things from them. J You’d think growing up with a big family I wouldn’t be so stubborn…haha not the case.

When I started driving my parents always wanted to know where I was so they asked me every time I left the house to call them to let them know where or what I was doing. Why? If they really wanted to know where I was then why didn’t they call me? That’s was my thinking. (Sorry mom and dad.) So you can see how I got in trouble all the time because I wouldn’t give them a simple phone call to say, “Hey I am going to dinner. I’ll be home later.”

I know that all sounds bad, and you might be thinking it’s just a one minute phone call… but to me that wasn’t the point. To me the point was they wanted me to do something that I didn’t want too. (Good point I know!)

But I am starting to learn that some times being stubborn in life can’t happen. I’d like to think that if you ask me to do something I will do it. I have issues saying no and I am just someone that really likes to do stuff for people. But when I am TOLD to do something… I refuse.

I guess that’s why I hated school growing up. It wasn’t a choice for me…I HAD TO DO IT! And sometimes I would refuse. Not that I didn’t get in trouble when I would refuse, but getting in trouble was better than giving into to doing school that my parents wanted me to do. Which is why I never wanted to go to college!

I need to work on being unstubborn! (I just made up a word!)

You know those days

Its just one of those days…

…my bed seems to be calling my name.

…where I’m just not in the mood to talk.

…I want to go home and put on my pajamas. (How is that any different from any other day for me?)

…where time could go by much faster.

…to curl up in bed with all my blankets and pillows and watch a good movie.

…where the weather could be much nicer. (NOT FREEZING)

It’s just one of those days where nothing is going to make me happy.

I don't know what to do.

I don’t know what to do.

It should be so easy for me to just pick up and go any where. I mean I’m nineteen with nothing holding me back…

Am I ready to let go of everything? Am I really ready to grow up? Can I handle being away away from my family? Am I ready to leave everything I know? Is this even what God wants? Or is it something I have made to be so great in my mind?

I don’t know what to do.

I believe that there are times in our lives when God gives us choices and either choice is okay because he is going to use me in either situation. I don’t like choices. “I really just want you to tell me where to go what to do God.”

It’s funny because I really don’t like when people tell me what to do and normally I tend to do the opposite but I really would just like God to tell me what to do. If he’s going to use me in either situation then why can’t he just tell me what to do?

I don’t know what to do.

I’m stuck. I am torn between two things that I really really love. I am torn between a life here and a life I don’t know somewhere else. But where is God going to use me more? Where am I going to feel safe and at home?

I don’t know what to do.

I like security. I like to know that I am secure and someone is always there to help me out. I like the idea of financial security. I like the idea that I know how to do things. I’m not someone who can drop everything and go. Oh that is not me at all. But what if you’ve felt that nudge? What if in a weird way God has been preparing me for that?

I don’t know what to do.

I like to have an idea in my head of what things might look like in the future. You know the whole “where do you see yourself in five years…” I have this idea in my head (and it really has never turned out to be what I think it is going to be) what my life will look like.

I don’t know what to do.

TAKE A RISK! Do you know me? I am not a risk taker at all. You might call me a safe-risk taker. I do everything from the side lines and maybe watch people at first and then do it. But I don’t know if I have ever just stepped out and did something in faith or just to take a risk. Yeah, I’ve thought about it…but I have never just jumped.

I don’t know what to do.

I would like to say that I have a lot of faith in God. But sometimes in these moments I think I have very little. I have very little faith that God can work things out the way they I want them to be. And maybe that’s the problem. The way I want them to be. Faith is and will never be about me. It will always be about someone who is much bigger than me.

I don’t know what to do.

See the pattern here…I really don’t know what to do.

I want to be just like my sister

How come I can pull a blog out of my ass but I can't pull a three page paper out.

I just finished my second paper out of three maybe four for the class and I get so stressed out. Two weeks ago was the first time that I have really ever written a paper, sad I know. And I freaked out. I really don’t know what’s wrong. But everything inside of me tells me that I did everything wrong. I really break down and cry... its horrible I know!

Or maybe it’s the fact that I have had to follow in the steps of my older sister who for her the gift of well anything to do with school comes so natural. If only I had that gift. Don’t get me wrong I love my sister to death, she is my best friend but to have to follow after her in school every year was pretty hard. She didn’t have to try and she did it. I spend six hours on it and I’m not even done. Compared to her I am stupid.

Sometimes I wish I could be like my sister… I honestly don't know what I do with out her in my life. Not many people understand my weirdness but she does and she still loves me! I like to think that we take care of each other but she really takes care of me. She is definitely my older sister. She knows how to make me laugh when I am having a bad day. She knows how to beat me up (even though i think she take the easy way out) but most of all she knows how to love me! She is my best friend. I have thought about what would ever happen if one of us moved away and I think the other one would have to go. We are so close that she knows when I'm not "me."

I love you Bets! (for the longest time I couldn't spell her name...haha...thats funny)

Smoking

I have to write a paper for school arguing one of two papers and after I have read both I am stuck.

One paper is about a lady who is 52 and has been smoking since she was 26. She talks about how people treat her because she is a smoker. She believes that all people hate her because she smokes. She said, “Smokist don’t hate the sin, they hate the sinner, and they don’t care who knows it.” I don’t hate the “sinner.” It’s not about the “sinner”; it’s about the “sin” and what it does to your body. She goes on to talk about how society views smokers…

The other paper is against smoking and how we should do everything we can to stop people from smoking and the affects of cancer. But it is very forward, very harsh to me.

I am torn because I have no idea what to argue, on one hand I understand and agree with the second paper. I don’t think people should smoke. I have seen the affects of what smoking can do to a person. But at the same time I can understand what the first one is talking about too. Since she was born her mom smoked. She knows nothing wrong with it. And she lives in a culture where we aren’t afraid to speak up.

I am not for smoking at all. I don’t like it. I think it’s a bad habit and gross. But it’s not my right to tell someone not to. I can only tell you what I think of it.

So how do I argue one of those…

I guess I kind of answered my own question.

Dreams

Do you ever know what to expect from your dreams?

Sometimes I have far out dreams, sometimes my dreams are silly, and sometimes my dreams are scary (very scary) but sometimes I have dreams of things I know I should do just too scared to do them. You know what I mean?

Do you ever remember your dreams? I always remember the ones that I don’t want to and I can never remember what happens in the ones with me and Dane Cook… ;). I wish I didn’t wake up right in the middle of a good part, which always happens. (I'll leave the details out)

Have you ever felt like a dream was real life? Have you ever woken up and wondered “Was I dreaming or did I miss something yesterday”? Sometimes through out the day I’ll remember something that has happened but then I remember it was a dream.

I don’t know what to expect from my dreams. I don’t know if they ever mean something or if they're just for fun. Obviously I know that some are just for fun. But what about those ones, the ones that I can’t stop thinking about for weeks, the ones where I have felt like I am supposed to do that? What if dreams mean something?

Crawl back into bed

Some days I wish I could just crawl back into bed. This morning I woke up and expected another normal day. Took a shower, got ready, went downstairs, went out to warm up my car only to realize that my car had been broken into. I noticed that my stereo had been removed from my dashboard and that my doors were unlocked. I looked around my car and realized they had busted out my little back window. (I thought my Dane Cook CD was in there, but it wasn’t…Thank you God for saving my Dane Cook :))

My reaction at first was “Great not again.” When I lived with my parents my car had been broken into several times. I feel safer in Clifton than I did in Lebanon…crazy I know.

It’s not that someone broke my window and stole my stereo it’s the fact that people do that. Do you not have any conscious? What satisfaction do you get from breaking into a car and taking someone’s belongings? I want to be mad at who ever did it. I want to say I hope you get what you deserve but I don’t. I honestly feel sorry for them. It sucks that they think they have to break into a car to steal a stereo, to get money, or respect from people. I feel sorry that somewhere down the road maybe they will have to remember everything they did.

Yeah it sucks for me that I have to pay money to replace and fix everything but it beats stealing from someone any day.

So whoever you are out there, whoever you are that felt the need to break and steal my stuff, I hope that in some way you are blessed by this. I hope you find what you are looking for. And I hope that someday you find God, if you haven’t already. Enjoy my CD player because I know I did.

Religions

Here’s a thought and it’s just a thought…
Do you think God created different religions?

I have been very sheltered from other religions. I don’t know much about other religions and I don’t know how to respond to other people when they talk to me about other religions. I have grown up only knowing one religion, Christianity. I don’t think it’s bad but I don’t think it’s good either. I sit in class and I listen to people talk about other religions and I don’t know how to respond. I want to stick up for what I believe but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to argue with people about it.

Now if I am wrong on this please let me know.
From my observation most if not all believe in a God. Which is why I pose the question. We all believe in a God but we have different ways of going about it. Some think they shouldn’t cut their hair some think they shouldn’t have any hair but we all are after one thing…God. Some have other gods under God; some believe you have to do things a certain way to be a part of that religion blah blah… Why couldn’t God create different religions? He created different races.

My whole life I’ve grown up around Christianity. I don’t know anything but that. I never went to high school so I can’t even say that I’ve had that experience of different religions from that. It makes me sad in a way. I want to be able to tell people about God in a non-harmful way. I want to tell people about a God who is bigger than this world with out shoving stuff down their throat. I don’t want to make God impossible. But I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to argue for my God.

I think I’m learning more about myself in school than writing or math…IT MAKES MY BRAIN HURT!

What are your thoughts?

Life is kicking me in the ass

I love my life, but sometimes it likes to kick me in my ass. Schools going great, works going great, and life’s going great but combing those all together in the past two weeks have been really hard. I like schedules (or maybe my body likes schedules) but this whole out of schedule thing is hard. My body doesn’t want to get up at 6 and then my body gets up at 6. It’s crazy.

I didn’t realize how tuff it was going to be to go to school part-time and work full-time. Three days feel like six days, and two days off feels like one day. I know that I just need some time to get used to this schedule but I am afraid by the time I get used to it, it will change again.

Here’s a little update on school:
School is great and exactly what I expected. I love my English class and I hate my math class! Thanks to my Dad who was a great teacher in math it’s very hard to find someone that’s better than him. My math teacher is just weird. He just acts like we’re all dumb. Are all math teachers like that? After this class I think I might take the placement test to see if I test out of math, so I don’t have to take another stupid math class.

My English class on the other hand is great. I am not looking forward to writing my first paper. But the class is great and I am learning a lot…I think.

Being in college just opens your eyes to new things. Like, I didn’t know that a girl could literally look like a boy! (haha… ask me about it and I will tell). I didn’t know that people would be so open in class with their life when they don’t even know you. Some people just like to hear themselves talk all the time and other people would be just as happy to say nothing. Some people are all about themselves. Some people just don’t care to be there (then why in the hell are you?). Why do boys wear their pants all the way down to their knees? It really isn’t that cool to hold your pants and walk. And if your white don’t try to be black… And I didn't really know how many people smoked. You might as well smoke walking through there.

So that’s my update. Here’s to hoping my ass finds my schedule.

What if?

What if You made a mistake? What if it’s the wrong thing? What if they are supposed to stay with us? Why? WHy? WHY? I don’t get it. And maybe I’m not supposed to but come on how could You do this? I don’t know how to feel. I mean I know how I feel but how am I supposed to feel? Am I not supposed to be mad at you? Am I supposed to love You at this moment? Cause I don’t! I’m mad…no I’m pissed! I want to throw something…I want to throw everything…How do I be thankful in this moment? How do I be happy? How do I support them? How do I go on? How do I go to my parents when everything is going to remind me of them? I can’t ignore this but how do I deal with it? I mean I can go on with life but is that really the healthiest thing to do? Why put them all through this? Why put us through this?

You might be wondering what the hell is going on… well let me tell you. On Wednesday morning my younger sister called me with some devastating news for my family. My parents have been a recourse family for three younger children for 15 months. During these 15 months the state has gone to court to try and terminate the mother’s rights. In November they had the last court date and the judge had 30 days to make a decision. 30 days had passed and she had not made one yet. Wednesday morning my mother got the call that she had made her decision. She (the judge) did not terminate the mothers rights and are letting the aunt take custody of them. Three kids who have become part of our family will soon be leaving my parents house. There is nothing my family can do and the state has decided not to appeal.

Wednesday was a very hard day for me. I feel apart at work. Luckily I work with a great team who took some time to pray for my family. But Wednesday night I kind of ignored it. I went on with my life like nothing happened. My attitude was wrong, but I didn’t and don’t know what to do? I don’t know who to mad at. I don’t know what to think. There’s nothing I can do, but how do I just sit back and let this happen.

I know that I don’t see the bigger picture, but I see the picture now. I see my parents who are so in love with three little children. I see three little children thriving. I see three little children who are in love with my parents. I see three little children who have come so far. And I don’t get how God could just take them away. I don’t get how taking them away could be better?

I’m tired God. I’m tired of this... A long battle fought and lost.
















K'liyah, KeAwn, and K'Von this summer at Kings Island. (They had never seen anything like it...they were amazed)
To you three... You will be greatly missed. But know that you are loved by this family more than you know. I love you guys! You will always have a place in our hearts!

I am scared

In two days I will be a college student and I am scared to death. I try not to think about it but how can I not? It’s going to change everything. My schedule that I have been used to for the past 6 months is about ready to change.

The last couple of nights I have had some bad dreams about school and it’s not very encouraging. Okay this might be very stupid but one of my biggest fears is being late. So the dreams I have been having are about being extremely late for my class.

Is all that stupid? Yes. But I have no idea what to expect. I never went to high school and I only went to real school through fourth grade. I really don’t know what to expect. I have all these fears that seem very stupid running through my mind.

But am I excited? Yes. I am extremely excited! Aren’t you excited when you start a new adventure? I am excited to start school and to see what God does through this process. I don’t think I would have ever have gone to school if it wasn’t for God. If you ever think God is telling you to do something but for several reasons and you don’t think it possible. Go with it. I think you might be amazed at what God can do. I was!

Here’s to starting school and new adventures.

A look back at 2005

As I sit and remember 2005 I can’t believe how far I have come. I don’t know whether it was a good year or a bad year. I think I have had worse years though. This year I have had up and downs. Good days and bad days. But overall I can say that this has been a great year.

The biggest thing for me this year was moving out of my parent’s house. I have realized that I am my own person and I have my own opinions. Don’t get me wrong the things that my parents have taught me are good foundations but now I just have to build the rest. I don’t know about many of you but when you first move out of your parent’s house it’s a little weird. For me I came out of a house full of nine people and shared a bedroom with two sisters. The house was never quiet. And I moved into a house having a room all to myself and there not being that much noise. WHAT A DIFFERENCE. That transition for me was very difficult. Not that I liked the noise but for 18 years of my life I had lived with noise. And over night it changed like that.

Another thing that happened this year for me was the time I have spent with God. I have always written in a journal but it would be very random. But this year I really wanted to dig into God and spend quality time with him. It was very hard at first to do. I had to make it very intentional (which I never really liked because I think that spending time with God should just be natural.) But after a while it became normal. And something cool for me, I filled up a journal. I have never done that. It seems like each year I would just start a new journal and fill a couple pages and start over on a different one the next year.

I started a new job in July. I don’t know if that was a good thing or not. I started working full time (intentionally) for the first time. That was and still is a very hard adjustment. Having responsibilities are always very hard. But I think that I have done very well. Its been hard because over half my team have left or are getting ready to leave and just the change is something that I thought I could deal with but as each person has left its just gotten harder.

And last but not least. I decided to go to college. WOW! I am still shocked. I start in 3 days and I am excited and nervous. I had a tuff week trying to figure out school financially. I thought I was going to have to drop my classes, but some how God came through. And he has just shown me some amazing things.

I guess I can call this year of change. And I survived? WOW! I do not like change but I guess that is one thing that has changed this year! Here's to another year of change!

Happy New Years!

Believe

This morning I woke up an hour and a half before my alarm was supposed to go off. Isn’t that the worst? Nope! The worst part is when you can’t go back to bed. I was hot so I turned on the fan. I was cold so I covered up. I tossed and turned, tossed and turned, tossed and turned. It was a never ending cycle. I wanted to get up and get ready, but what if in two seconds I would go to sleep? So I stayed in bed miserable…because all I wanted to do was sleep for another hour.

I used to wake up all the time around 6. Almost two hours before I was supposed to get up and I would always pray. So after a half an hour of turning I started praying asking God if there was anything that he wanted me to know. I started praying simple prayers when I heard the word “believe”. “Believe in what” I asked? "Believe in Me and You."

Okay at that moment I was a little confused…I will admit it. I understood the believe in You part. I don’t believe in myself. I never think that I am good enough. I never think that I can do anything.

But what about the believing in Me part? I didn’t get it. I sat there very confused… very very confused! What do you mean I don’t believe in You? I sat there shocked. Does God think that I don't believe in him? As I sat there I felt like he was telling me that I don’t believe what he is capable of. WHAT? I know what he was capable of. I know that he can do anything. I knew that he was capable of doing anything but I didn’t believe that he was capable of doing anything for me.

But let me tell you this day has proved me wrong. There have been a lot of little things that he has shown me to remind me that he does things everyday for me. They might be big they might be small, but they are things just for me.

I pray that all of you will believe in Him and yourself. Believe that you can do great things. Believe that no matter what you do you are still loved by Him. And most importantly believe in Him.

Wearing the mask

Do you ever feel like locking yourself in your room and everything you get your hands on ripping it apart or throwing it against the wall? And crying till there are no more tears? And to do all that for absolutely no good reason?

Nothing has happened in the past couple days that would even make want me to do that. In fact these past couple of days have been great! But I do think when I don’t have anything to do I start putting my self down. I start realizing everything I could do better. I start replaying everything that I’ve done wrong. Why I don’t deserve to be happy? Why I deserve to be happy? I start thinking about the future and what the hell I’m going to do. I think of how bad of a person I am.

How can we always remember the bad things in our lives and forget the happy things? Or is that just me?

This is really bad and not a good habit. But I have learned to cover up myself when I am not good physically or emotionally. I know how to make you think that I am having a great day. I know how to put on a smile when deep down all I want to do is scream in your face. I guess you could say I know how to wear the mask.

I just don’t want people to ask me a million questions, but at the same time I expect everyone to know that I am having a shitty day; just don’t ask questions. Sometimes my head is so messed up. There are very few people that know that about me…my parents don’t even understand that about me.

Sometimes I can’t explain why I feel the way I do.

Thank You Santa

So I wanted to post on Christmas but I was so shocked I had no idea what to say. I had the best Christmas EVER!!! I knew that this Christmas was going to be good, but I didn’t expect it to be this good. This year Santa visited me and gave me over twenty gifts.

Here is everything I got from Santa:
-a make-up bag with a pink “breast cancer awareness” bracelet, Chap Stick and pink nail polish.
-new Sharpies!!! (Now for anyone who doesn’t know me…I am in love with Sharpies, I don’t ever use them, but I love to have them…I have over 50 of them…They make me happy. J)
-a luffa that changes colors along with body wash and three pink nail polishes.
-a cool new shirt (and it’s pink)
-a pink sweater with a scarf and a hat
-a real SLINKY!! (not a plastic one)
-phase ten (only one person in my house had ever heard of it! Do you know what Phase Ten is?)
-a vintage CD of Dane Cook (me loves me some Dane Cook ;) and somehow South Park got on it…?)
-a red tin filled with blow pops
-a cool pink belt
-glow in the dark stars
-a pink princess phone
-graeter's gift cards (the best ice cream in the world)
-a letter from Santa (very personal)
(if I forgot anything and I know that I have…I am sorry)

I don’t know who or why someone would do this for me, but whoever is Santa, THANK YOU!!! I don’t know if I can explain how much all of that meant to me. And for all of you that took part in it, I am sorry that you didn’t get to see my face when I saw all those gifts.

Here's a picture!

Our Leaders

I have always heard this but I had never seen it until recently. We as people expect our leaders to live up to some weird and crazy expectation. We expect them to never speed, or smoke or drink or curse or be human. We think since they are “leaders” that they should be perfect. (and as you read that you might think, “no I know that they aren’t perfect” but YOU DO EXPECT THEM TO BE PERFECT!)

I have worked in a church for three years and all my close friends are in a leadership position at a church and I see it continually with them. Everyone expects so much from them. They expect them to know so much and do so much. But guess what? They have feelings and struggles just like any one of us. And sometimes I think that they have it harder.

I don’t know about you but I think that our leaders are doing a hell of a job! I know that I don’t know what its like to be in a high position of leadership but I do know that it can suck the life right out of you. It’s a very demanding job. Half the leaders I know still work full time job outside of churches. And I don’t know about you, but after working a full day the last thing I want to do is go home and work on more work that I don’t even get paid for. But that’s the best part. They don’t care about money as much as they care about doing what God has called them to do.

So next time you see a leader thank them for what they do. Don’t be too quick to judge them because they said shit or you saw them smoking, because at judgment day they will be judged just like you.

To all the leaders I know who have stepped out in faith to do what God has called them to do! You are doing an awesome job. Please continue to do what God has called you to do!

Scrooge?

I know this is going to sound bad… but I don’t really like Christmas. I love celebrating Jesus’ birth but how did we get to celebrating Christmas with Santa Clause and gifts and lights?

I grew up not believing in Santa Clause. I don’t think my parents ever told us there wasn’t but they never told us there was one either. We always knew why we celebrated Christmas because of Jesus’ Birth. It’s never been a tradition but every year I remember my dad reading the story of Jesus’ birth before we would open gifts.

I mean who really thinks about Jesus’ birth while they are out shopping? Or while they are putting up the Christmas tree? Or decorating the house? I just think we miss the meaning of Christmas so much. What if we didn’t give gifts one year? What if we went out on Christmas day downtown and handed out hot chocolate or breakfast or something to all those people who are alone at Christmas?

I love my family and I love spending time with that but that is one time I hate spending with them. This year will be different, but normally our Christmas would consist of waking up at 6:00am (some ungodly hour) taking an hour or two to open gifts and then mom making lunch, everyone eating lunch, and then everyone going there separate ways.

Growing up and being home schooled I spent everyday at home with my family. I didn’t and don’t want to spend more time with my family on holidays. I am guessing it might be different for you. Holiday’s were special days because you did stay at home and spent it with your family. Holidays were bad for me because I stayed home and had to spend it with my family. (I know that might sound bad like I don’t love my family…but I really do you just have to understand that for 8 years I spent everyday at home with my family)

Okay back to the point. We decorate the house, put up a Christmas tree, put up lights, and buy gifts for what? Just to take them down in three weeks? Just to spend a whole lot of money to buy gifts for family and friends? I mean we all do this and come the 26th of December the lights come down, the trees get put back in boxes or thrown out side, sometimes gifts get forgotten. Its like Christmas never happened.

Maybe I am just being a Scrooge?

The high

Coming down off of a high…

I have never done drugs but for me being really stressed out and having two minutes to get something done is very exciting. That feeling of “holy shit I have two minutes.”

Last night we had our preview event for D’Vine. I put together all the tech stuff and I loved it. When I used to work in Student Ministries it was a regular thing. I was always in charge of making sure everything was running and everyone knew what was happening and when. It has been six months since I have had that feeling and let me tell you it was AMAZING! ( ;) )

I know this is a very weird feeling so I am going to try and explain it. I always know that everything is working. I have checked my work 600 times. I know the video plays. I know the music works. I know the PPT works. I know it all. But for some reason there is always that fear. What if it doesn’t work when I need it to? What if right before something gets unplugged and I don’t know what happened? (That has happened before)

But for some odd reason I think that fear is what drives me in those moments. I have done this over 200 times and things have gone wrong maybe 5 times. In the end everything works out. And most of the time nobody knows that something went wrong but YOU (me)!

It’s so different for me though. I mean have you ever been in a service and the don’t change the PPT right away and your looking around like come on? Or the video plays but no sound? Maybe because I know all of that stuff when I see it I think, “Oh man that sucks.” When something doesn’t play right or go the way that you had expected you freak out and the whole service was bad. Even if one thing went wrong and nobody knew it… it was a bad service for you because you have failed at your job. (I am saying you a lot but I really mean me.)

But that high right before you are supposed to do something is the best in the world. Your heart feels like it is beat 1000 times a minute. I imagine a lot of you have felt this before in different situations. Maybe right before you are supposed to speak or maybe right before you are supposed to go lead worship? I think we all have that high just in different situations.

I guess I just wish I could experience that high a lot more.

My to do list

I've had some serious posts lately. So I thought I would have a little fun with this one...

So here is my To Do list! :)

1. Dane Cook- if you have never heard of him check him out! But I did warn you (that was your warning! HAHA!)














2. Wentworth Miller

3. Patrick Dempsey


















4. Chad Michael Murray

Question time

How far do you think God will go to get our attention?

Will he physically hurt us to make us see things? Will he kill someone close to us for us to see him? Will he take everything from us?

How far will God go to bring back his children?

Looking forward?

Someone asked me the other day have I been getting my praise on. This hasn’t been the easiest week to do it. I have tried but I don’t think that I have done a very good job. I have been on an emotional roller coaster.

I’m nervous and scared. I’m happy and sad. I’m busy and bored. I’m tired. I’m not. I’m mad and hurt. I laugh. I cry. I have fun. I want to go to heaven. I’m hungry but can’t eat. And in all of that I can’t seem to find a middle. The worst part I have myself to blame for it all. I could have prevented all those feelings, but sometimes I am just not that smart.

Have you ever hated someone so much but love them at the same time? Have you wanted to protect them so much that in the process you hurt yourself? Have you ever felt like you cared about someone way too much? Have you ever felt like driving somewhere far far away and screaming for hours? Have you ever felt like you could just cry for hours if you let yourself? Have you ever been mad at God?

I know that we all have felt at least one of those before, but have you ever felt all those in one day? Yeah can you imagine just wanting to pull your hair out?
I am trying to hold on. I’m trying to look toward the end. But come on…who looks toward the end when they are going through difficult times. How do you even do that when you don’t know what it looks like?

Thank God for Panera

I Wrote this on my way to Illinois two days ago...but considering no one has wireless I couldn't get it off till today! Thank God for Panera!!!!

On my way to Illinois…
I am actually letting my sister drive at this moment (big shocker for me….I always drive) but I became very tired for the third time and I thought it would be best for both of us if she drives. I am not too sure of that at this moment.

I am very excited about this trip. This is the second year my sister (younger) and me have gone to my grandparents. It’s a nice little get away for her and me. Sister bonding time and we get to see our family in the process.

But this trip has been highly anticipated by me. It has been a long three days at work and a long couple days of life. I feel like I kind of just skipped over the past three days or they’ve all blended into one. I’ve had so much to do that I hope I didn’t forget something important.

Please don’t misunderstand me when I say this. I love my house and my job and my life. But sometimes you just need a break from all of them. You need to get away and not think about any of them. You need to be free of the every day responsibilities. You need to be a little kid again.

I have no idea what we are doing tomorrow or the next five days but I do know that I don’t have to wake up at 7:39am or be at work or come home and watch the boys or do my laundry or clean my room. And I do know that I will be getting my praise on. (Which by the way is very difficult. Yesterday was a tuff day and its really hard to get your praise on when your are having a stressful night. How’s it going for you?)

I am not a very fun traveler. I get very antsy and annoying after a couple hours. I love to fly but riding or driving in a car is not very fun for me. Most people can sleep in cars and two hours go by like that. Not me. I couldn’t fall asleep for the life of me. (But yes I felt like I was going to fall asleep…that’s because I got bored…or the fact that I got 5 hours of sleep last night and was on my feet all day. Who knows?) Where was I? I like to be awake to see what’s going on around me, to see where I am going or to see the funny names of streets.

I have these good friends who live in Texas that I have visited a couple of times. They used to live in Cincinnati until almost two years ago when they moved to Houston. Anywise I would go on vacations with them and any time we would go someplace we ended up in the car for hours. And I mean hours. One time when we went to Colorado (Denver) we were just supposed to go someplace not to far away an hour at the most. Yeah right! We ended up being in the car the whole day. And then the next day we got up and drove to Grand Junction, which is on the other side of the state. And the past couple of time I have gone to Houston we have ended up driving around Houston for at least four hours. I am just one of those people who either need to be driving or watching a movie in the car.

I used to lay in the car on trips as a little girl praying, “if I fall asleep God will you please let us be there when I wake up.” Unfortunately it never happened. I never really fell asleep. I was always aware of where we were. I don’t know if I would call that a bad thing or a good thing.

I can’t believe that it is almost Thanksgiving. Three hours away. I almost forgot about Thanksgiving. Really I did. I got so caught up with a set at work that Thanksgiving never crossed my mind. Kind of sad actually. But tomorrow I will get to eat grandma’s (or Mimi…that’s what we call my grandma) cookin! Mhhmm.

Hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Get your praise on

You know what the best thing in the world is… Having friends that will tell you the truth no matter what. There has been a lot on my mind lately about life, God, and this world. Sometimes I just wish I had a USB port in my head and I could stick a memory stick in it and download everything.


I heard a lot of great things from my friends but two stuck out really good.







1) GET YOUR PRAISE ON!!!
Praising God with everything that you have. Praising him for the money we make. Praising him for the grades we get. Praising him for our things that we normally just don’t even think he sees, to praise God every moment of everyday. Who cares if you look like a zombie or everyone thinks that you’re weird. Instead of worrying everyday let’s get our PRAISE ON! I mean can you imagine how much fun life would be everyday.

2) I am dead to this world.
I have a problem separating God and the world. We see everything from this world and we are supposed to believe in a God that we have to believe in and trust. I guess I just don’t trust God enough with my life. But I have to think that I am dead to this world and live life with God everyday. Just like it’s him and me.

Now I know that those things are very easy to say and I could easily sit here and write all that and not do any of it. But that would not be very good. I want my action to match my words. ;)

So I think it takes twenty-one days to get into the routine of things. So for the next twenty-one days I will be doing those two things everyday, getting my praise on and being dead to this world. So I am asking my friends to help me with this. And if you want to join me feel free. But I know for twenty-one days and there after I will be getting my praise on.

Worries

Worry doesn’t prevent disaster it prevents JOY.

I’m 19 and I worry all the time. I worry about my car, how am I going to pay for all my bills, how am I going to pay for school, and what am I going to do about work and school. I may not show it on the outside but on the inside I feel like I am going to explode.

Recently I have been reminded by family and friends and co-workers that I am only 19 and I should enjoy being young. But the problem is I don’t know what it is like to be 19. I don’t know what 19 year olds do. When I think of 19 year olds I think of kids who don’t care about anything or anybody and who have no responsibilities.

Within the past couple days my car has been acting up. Yesterday I went to go get lunch and I rolled down my window and about a fourth of the way down it stopped. I tried pushing it up (like I normally do because sometimes it would just stick) but that didn’t work. I tried for about fifteen minutes before I stopped because I was so mad that I was afraid I would break it. I eventually got it up with help from a friend.

This morning on my way into work, I was driving enjoying my music (me loves my music) when my CD changed songs and I heard a clinking noise. I thought that it was the car next to me at first but has I passed them and I realized it was my car. I immediately started freaking out. I got to the church and looked under my car and saw that something (I didn’t know what at that time) was dragging. I started crying and then I called my dad.
Luckily (Thank You God) it was only a guard.

But those little things happen and we freak out. I do at least. I start thinking how am I going to pay for this. I have too many things going on this week and next. How am I going to get to work each day? How am I going to get to things beside work? There are all those things and more that go through my head. AND I AM 19. I should be thinking about all those things.

I love my dad so much and he reminded me today, after he told me that I am 19 and that I worry too much, that all those things can be fixed or adjusted. We can take care of all those things. And that those things are small compared to what I will face someday (not that that was encouraging but it was, to know that it was something little).

Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
Matthew 6:33

I’m 19 and I don’t want to spend half my life worry about my money, my cars, or my life. I want to enjoy life and laugh at life. I want JOY!

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:33

Wrap it up

Sunday night I got to do the best thing in the world. Wrap gifts! Each year our church wraps gifts for free at our local mall. Once a year right before Thanksgiving the mall has a night called, Magical Night of Giving. Great discounts at all the stores.

I had never been to one of those before but thought it would be fun. So I signed up to wrap gifts, which meant I got to shop half the time and wrap gifts the other time. I took my sister went with me. I was so excited. I was going to get to shop!

We got to the mall and there were tons of people there. I was shocked I didn’t expect that many people. When we walked in we were handed, I guess you could call it a program. Betsy opened hers up and she won a door prize. We went and clamed her prize (I was mad that she won and not me, I mean I did invite her. But then the gift ended up being a candle so I wasn’t too mad…I don’t like candles). We then proceeded to shop. Now I love to shop anyone that knows me can tell you that, but there is something about big crowds and lines at the mall that just doesn’t motivate me.

We walked from store to store looking at stuff, but then we would see the lines and we were out the door. I was kind of bummed. I wanted to go home with at least something and time was running out before we had to go wrap gifts. Someone we knew in the mall told us that Starbucks were giving away free 8oz cups of their holiday drinks and a $5 dollar gift card. Even if you don’t like Starbucks you should never turn away a gift card. So Betsy got a drink and I got a gift card!

It was then time to WRAP! Now we all know that wrapping is not fun (unless you are one of those few who love it) but wrapping gifts for other people is a blast! Now when I started wrapping gifts a couple years ago I was pretty bad, but after wrapping so many times people have showed me easy was to do them. Previous years I would love it when people said, Thank you! Or this made my holiday better, but not this time. The best part about wrapping was the conversations I had with other people. Now every thing I said I probably repeated 10-20 times but they didn’t know that I had the same conversation with the person before them.

I know that we were with the Vineyard, but I got to tell this lady about the church on the Westside! She was in her mid 50’s and she was asking who was doing this.
I told her, “The Vineyard.”
She said, “There’s a vineyard that opened up by me.”
“Where do you live?”
“On the Westside.”
“Yes”, I said, “They meet in the Danberry Theater on Sunday mornings. You should check it out sometime.”

I then went on to ask her where she goes to church. She explained to me that she and her husband go to St. Vincent and they have just recently got a new minister. They have been talking about checking out other churches. It awesome how you can reach out to people by just wrapping gifts! As she left she said I think we might check it out!

I actually left and was amazed at how much I had opened up to people. I am a pretty shy person and outreaches aren’t normally my thing because I have to “alive” to people. I left and I felt ALIVE! I felt like I was on a high! I wish I could do that every night!

Guilty

Is guilt bad? With out going into any details, I have struggled a lot with guilt this week. Not that I have ever not felt guilty before but this time was different. This time I knew it was wrong and I knew that I contributed a lot to what happened. Are we supposed to feel guilty? Is it supposed to be some kind of punishment?

I guess the thing that I really struggle with is how could God possibly love me? How do we just say, “God I fucked up I’m sorry please forgive me?”, when we don’t feel like we deserve it? I mean yes I can say that and I do. But I don’t want it to be something I say and don’t mean. I don’t want it to become a “saying.” Why do I deserve God’s forgiveness?

Part of me thinks I should feel guilty, I mean I did do something wrong? But the other part of me says No I shouldn’t feel this way. I shouldn’t dwell on it. I just don’t know how I should feel.

I am okay until I think about it and then that’s when I feel all the guilt come back. It would be really easy for me to run away from it right now, and believe me that is exactly what I want to do. But I know I would just be running away from a lot more than just “it.”

It’s different being older and making mistakes. It’s not like when you’re younger. I guess the difference is when I made mistakes as a child my parents would punish me and then hug me afterwards or tell me they love me. Believe me when I say this, I know that God loved me after I messed up, but why? I mean if I was God I don’t know if I could forgive me? (I guess that’s why I am not God)

I don’t know about you but it’s very difficult for me to accept God’s grace.

Why can't I just be me?

So I know it’s a little late after Halloween, but I have been thinking about this a lot this past week. Let me give you a little background of my Halloweens.

My parents never really let us celebrate Halloween. I remember being in school and leaving early on Halloween because my parents didn’t want us to participate. I can only remember going trick or treating once in my whole life. And I think I was a cheerios box. We never passed out candy at our door. I think my parents always took us places on Halloween so we wouldn’t be home.

I don’t remember much of my past Halloweens. I do remember moving down here and our church always had “harvest parties” (nothing wrong with them.) So we always dressed and went to those.

I wasn’t a big fan of Halloweens and I don’t really know why. But this year I think I figured it out. I don’t like to dress up. I don’t like deciding what to be. What’s something good to dress up as? What won’t everyone else be? And then the last part going to a party or trick or treating as that “thing.”

I don’t like dressing up for Halloween because I don’t like to pretend to be something that I am not. I have tried for so long just to be me. So how can I dress as someone else when I don’t even really know who I am? I don’t want to pretend to be someone else. Why can’t I just be me?

I never liked acting in school because I had to be someone else. I don’t like talking in front of people because it isn’t me. I put on this grown-up me.

There is nothing wrong with Halloween. I think it is a great holiday but it is not my favorite and I don’t think it ever will be. And I know that some people love to dress up and get in the spirit for Halloween, but not me. Maybe that comes from not ever getting to experience Halloween as a child…I don’t know. And I think that acting is great too but again not for me.

People have asked me to act or get up in front of people and speak and my immediate response is NO! Now I can get up in front of people and sing but I cannot get up in front of people and speak or act. And people wonder about that? People that act or speak don’t understand how I can get up in front of people and sing but I can’t speak? When I sing I don’t have to be anyone else. I can just be me.

I don’t want to be anyone else. I want to be me. I want to be the person that I was created to be. And I know that I was not created to act or speak or to dress up on Halloween as someone else. I may not know what or who I am but I know that I wasn’t meant to be a beauty queen, an actor or a speaker. I think its good to know that I am not supposed to do those things. Less things I have to try now. :)

The woman's struggle

You have this dream of a perfect man. This man that can live up to everything you’ve ever wanted. This man that you have dreamt about since you were a little girl playing dress up with your friends. Are you putting this man in a box or is there really a guy like that out there? Or is he simply a dream? I don’t know do you?

Or is it simply God that we are searching for? Maybe you have God in your life and you are just simply waiting to be loved by him? Or maybe you know that God is totally in love with you but you feel like you just don’t give enough of yourself to him?

I never feel like I do enough for God. I never feel like I love God enough for him to love me back. I always feel like I like other guys more than I like God. Or I think about other guys when I really should be thinking about God. And through all that I thought I was the only one that ever felt like that. But after talking with different women I’ve realized I’m not alone. I’m not the only one that feels like this? Are you serious? Why in the world does no one ever talk about it?

It’s the struggle that we (women) face everyday. The desire to be full filled by the One and only Himself. It’s the struggle that I am not perfect; I don’t always have the purest thoughts. Someone reminded me that I don’t have to pray twenty-four hours a day for God to love me. Or I don’t have to think about God every single moment of everyday. I am not trying to make an excuse- but we’re all human.

Sometimes I think it’s the enemy trying to tell me lies, “You think about him (a guy) and everything will be okay.” Or when I think about a guy he tells me, “You think about it too much.” It’s a lose lose battle. If I don’t think about him I’m just not normal and if I think about him then I am a bad person because I have those types of thoughts.

It’s kind of like pornography for men. You look at pornography and it makes you feel good. But it also makes you feel very guilty, I shouldn’t be doing this, this is wrong. You think of yourself as a bad person because you look at pornography, you don’t think that God could ever forgive you or even love you. You promise God and yourself that you won’t ever do it again. Until the next time and it starts all over again. Sometimes you can go day’s maybe weeks with out looking at pornography, and that whole time you feel good about it. You have accomplished a big thing. And then something happens and you hit the fan again.

All women struggle with this but no one ever talks about it. Why not? Why are we so afraid to talk about this issue? We all deal with it. I am sick of it. Who are we helping if we don’t speak up? How can we help ourselves if we just keep it to ourselves? We are only hurting ourselves more. So stop keeping it to your self…SPEAK UP!