There Will Be A Day

“There will be a day with no more tears and no more pain.” Jeremy Camp sings that in one of his songs called There Will Be A Day. I first heard this song about a month before my Mimi (grandma) passed away. She had recently gone in the hospital for a cough that was really fluid on her lungs. The only part that I acutally really heard of the song was “there will be a day with no more tears and no more pain.”

Mimi was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 2008. Right away they did a full histarectomy and shorty after that she had several rounds of chemotheropy. During surgery they realized it was a lot worse than what they had imagined. But they couldn’t tell anyone if it had spread or not.

In June 2009 they found a spot on her lung. They immediately started chemo again. But this time was different. She didn’t come back as fast. She was more sick every day. She had a cough for a while before she did anything about it and when she did they found fluid on her lungs . She was then admitted to the hospital where they had to give her plasma (she had been on a blood thinner due to clots) to thicken up her blood so they could drain the fluid off her lungs. I wasn’t there that night but from what I hear it got pretty scary. She said that night that she didn’t want to die. She wanted to fight this. But it didn’t last long after that.

I tried to visit my Mimi as often as I often as I could. During the last month of her life I barely said a word to her but that didn’t matter to me. I slowly show my Mimi go down hill. A woman who was always full of spunk she laid in bed not eating or drinking much during that month. I also saw this just crumble my Papa (grandpa). He sat by her side every day in the quiet, dark room because the noise and lights bothered Mimi. Sure he got frustrated his wife of 40+ years was not the same person she was 2 years ago.

I will always remember the first times she got to hold my babies. The way her face would glow with excitment as she held her great grand children. She would touch every part of there face and tell them how beautiful they were. I even remember her telling Caidan how beautiful he was (even though he was a boy) and she always said. “You can still be beautiful and a boy!”

My Mimi was the best Grandma in the world. Now if you would have asked me when I was younger I probably would have said something different. But after getting to know her I knew she was a special person. Of course we all knew she had her opinions and sometimes she got a little fiesty but through everything I think I can say that she was one of the best wives, moms, Mimi, and great-Mimi's there were.

In September of 2010 she died from an infection and cancer. I didn’t realize how truly difficult for me it would be and to be quite honest I still can’t grasp it. I thought about taking something over to my grandpa the other day with the kids but then I thought what would Caidan think… would he ask about Mimi? And then what do I say? Personally I don’t have the strength to tell him yet… I’m sure he doesn’t remember her all that much but then again how do I know?

I know that I have been depressed over this since she died. I stopped doing things I loved… I hardly left the house some days. I miss not being able to pick up the phone to call her for one simple thing and be on the phone with her for hours! I miss the way she laughed all the time with my kids. I miss her advice on mothering. I miss everything about her!

It will be six months that she’s been gone at the end of the month and I can’t believe it one bit!

Mimi,

You are truly missed by many… and will always be. I hope life is great up there and I can’t wait for the day that we can all laugh together FOREVER! LOVE YOU!

Bankruptcy

Bankruptcy can be a scary word for most people or a lot of people but for me I have learned to thank it. Last year was a rough year for us. It started off bad and it just continued to be bad. Though we found joy at times it was also a very unsure season for us.

We filed for bankruptcy last summer (2009). We knew that we had been struggling for a while paying bills and paying our mortgage. Every penny we had coming in was going out to pay for bills. We went to a debt counselor who only told us there was nothing they could do for us. Do you know how frustrating that is? To ask for help for something that is already embarrassing and then to be told “Sorry but there is nothing we can do to help you.” It was devastating. After meeting with the debt counselor we tried our hardest to do whatever we could but it looked like the bills and mortgage were getting the best of us.

With a lot of prayer and guidance from family and friends we made the decision to file for bankruptcy. Our thoughts at first were to file Chapter 13 (which is the pay back program) but after talking with the lawyers we decided that that was not an option for us.

Before meeting with the lawyer I had read as much as I could on bankruptcy just so I could better understand it. I had visited Dave Ramsey’s site and for him Bankruptcy was a horrible situation. And to be honest I was scared out of my mind. I didn’t know what to expect but I also knew living the way that we were living was not possible anymore. Not knowing if there was going to be money for food not knowing if the house payment was going to get paid or when all the bills were getting paid and if something had seriously gone wrong with either of us we didn’t have money put aside for it. We were living pay check to pay check.

What do we do about the house??? That was the big one. We had been struggling to pay our mortgage for over a year at that point. Since Chris bought the house brand new the taxes for the house and property were not figured out. So every year for the last 4 years our mortgage has gone up A LOT! We were aware that it was going to go up but the amount that it went up was way more than anyone could have thought. And there was no way we were going to be able to save it. We knew from then that we would lose the house.

Our bankruptcy was final in November and we haven’t even begun anything with the house yet. But where we are right now compared to last year is much better. Yes there are a lot of unknowns. We don’t know how much longer we have in the house. We aren’t really for sure on where we are going to live after here. But all we know is that we are doing the right thing for our family.

The reason the word “bankruptcy” doesn’t scare me and I thank it is because it has opened so many doors that I don’t know I would have seen if we were still where we were last year. Last year I was looking for a job nonstop to try to help support my family but at the same time I still had to think about my kids. Who would watch them when Chris wasn’t working? Would an employer be willing to work around Chris’ schedule so then we wouldn’t need a sitter? But nobody ever contacted me back. And in all honesty I was okay with that. I did not want someone else to take care of my kids. Yes that means a lot of sacrifice has to be made but we were also okay with that. We cut out all the unnecessary things which only really left us with the basics. You want to know a surprise- we survived. I have learned that shopping on a budget for us is very doable. I get groceries for $50 a week for us (right now that doesn’t include diapers or the kid’s milk-they drink soy milk and it’s about $20-$30 a week). I have started to make a lot of our foods or I should say trying. I love to cook/bake. It is so much fun for me. So making things from scratch is not only fun but cheaper and healthier.

I’m not a big goal person but I do know that in 2010 I want us to be more financially fit. And I am not really sure what that means but I am sure I will find out.

So here is a little piece of advice if you are struggling with your finances... get help right away. It’s okay to get help and its best to get help right away.

Too Long!

Its been  a long time...

Well not much as gone on... But at the same time a lot is going on. Right now our family is going through a lot (I should just say Chris and I because Caidan and Kloe have no idea). I'm not going to go into details because I simply don't think I can handle it much more. We are trying to make the best decisions for our family! But just keep praying for us.

Caidan will be 2 on the 18th and I can hardly believe it. I was looking at pictures from is 1st birthday and how little he looks and how big he is now. He is sweet and loud and stubborn and persistent he's a lot more but my point is HE'S GOING TO BE 2! There is no way that I would ever trade these two years in my whole entire life. He is defiantly going through the "terrible twos" (which to me doesn't even being to describe it). He loves Fire trucks to death! But he only calls them FIYA! Every once in a while we might get a FIYA TUCK but very very rarely. He doesn't talk that much really... which is okay with me because that just means I have a little bit more peace for just a little longer. I have a feeling that when he starts to "really" talk then Kloe will beginning to speak and then its all over. Its funny to see how much he has grown up.

Kloe well she's just Kloe. She has her own little mind. She wants what she wants when she wants it. She is totally a fit thrower. She already can throw a MAJOR tantrum (I know she's only 10 months see what I mean). Caidan needs to watch out for her because I believe that she is keeping tabs of all the times he has done something to her and when she can give it back to him she's going to lay it down! She is crawling (we should say army crawling) and sitting up. She is a teeny tiny little thing. At 9 months she weighed 16lbs. But I believe she is starting to gain more weight as she is eating a lot more and eating table food. SHE LOVES TO FEED HERSELF! and she always loves what I am eating of course. Sometimes I don't even know why i bother making them anything because they ALWAYS eat my food. She also says DADA! If you tell her to say MAMA she goes DADA! How come MAMA has done everything for her and all she wants to say is DADA! (now you know how I feel about that). She did give DADA a kiss the other day and it was the most precious thing ever! She doesn't really do it for me but of courseshe always does it for DADA!

Don't let that face fool you he is 100% ROTTEN!

That face can fool you though because she is so CUTE!

The weekend!

Kloe and I were supposed to spend the weekend in Cincinnati but someone got sick and we didn't get the chance. Lucky for me though Sara is flying in tomorrow to spend 10 WHOLE days with ME and the kids... oh and Chris). But we had a good weekend as a family.

I went garage sale shopping with our neighbor and Chris went fishing and I got the house to myself for a couple hours I was cleaning but I still had no one else her and that was EXCITING!

Last week we built a flower box/garden thing.

We have all the stuff to start our garden too... that is the next thing to build. But we have to wait for the fence to go up.... that is also exciting. Oh I can't wait.

Here are some pics of the kiddos today!

Can you tell Caidan likes POP?
Yeah don't try to take it away from him because he throws a fit!
haha!

Here is Sissy girl her self... She is wonderful and beautiful all the same. I have to say that it has taken my time to enjoy her. It was a tough start and a lot all at one time but she is becoming a wonderful little girl. she is a mommies girl. She does not like anyone else to hold her except her mommy. She is finally starting to love her Daddy she melts when he walks in the room... even if he doesn't say anything to her her eyes get so big (not that they aren't already) and she lights up! Caidan and her have a bond that I will never understand and will most defiantly get them in trouble together. Even though some days can get tough she is the most precious thing ever.
I love her more than I could ever tell you.

Here's some pics for everyone to enjoy. We kind of had a big week... caidan decided he was going to climb out of his crib... so to a BIG BOY bed we went... I will try to take a picture soon. (its a firetruck) Kloe is learning to sit up... oh she is growing up and I think i am ready for it... maybe!

Look at her she looks SO BIG but she is a peanut! hehe!

She loves her mommy... she always cries when she see me.

This is what happens when brother tries to feed her... he tries to feed her all the time and today he actually did. And then he gave her the rest of the jar... I bet you can tell what happened to it.

He's my little Man!

MY KIDDOS! Its not the best picture but it was the only "good" one I got! He doesn't like sharing the camera with his sister. She just as cute as you dude so you better get used to it.

Caidan and Bitty LOVE to take baths together... don't ask me why but when he is in she whines and YELPS and Caidan tries to grab her collar and pull her in (she's to fat to just jump in)

WE LOVE EACH OTHER!!!!!

Big Day Yesterday

Yesterday was a big day for my little girl. She got her tubes put in her ears and she ROLLED OVER (both ways)! She is my trooper! The surgery was nothing it took about ten minutes and she was back. You wouldn't have even know all day that she had surgery. And she has been working on rolling over for it feels like months but probably more like weeks and yesterday she did it. Here are some pics....

She is precious!!!!!

This is what she does right before she rolls over... 

And more getting ready!!!! :)

Oh and we can't forget this cute little boy!!!!

(I can't take credit for the picture that was Sara of course but I can take credit for the editing! :)

I wish

I wish I could say that everything is great but I feel like its just far behind great. One week after seeing the ENT 4 days after seeing her Doctor Kloe has come down with yet another ear infection. We've been dealing with sleepless nights, constipation (with Kloe), ear infection, Caidan falling/ tripping and busting is eye open, and Chris has had a headache for going on 5 days now. 

I have acall into the ENT today to schedule tubes for Kloe. Right now she is on antibiotics but I don't think they are making it better because she is getting worse.  

The past couple nights she has been sleeping with us because its the only way she will sleep. I don't know if you have ever slept with a baby but you sleep but not really so lets just say I am running an empty these days. 

Please continue to pray for all of us as we are all on edge. And for Kloe that this will all get resolved! Thanks everyone!

It's been long

Well its been awhile... I feel like its only the beginning of the month and when I realize its almost the end I have no idea where the month has gone... oh yeah I know spending my time in and out of the doctors office. I have been to the doctors atleast 6 times this month and 3 times within the past week.

My babies are always sick. Kloe has had an ear infection that after three rounds of antibiotics hasn't gone away which mean the today and for the next three days I have to take her into get shots. Its very very sad. She doesn't sleep and when she does it is only a short period of time. Oh and when she is sleeping it isn't in her crib... she sleeps in the swing because that where she sleeps and if she sleeps at this point she can sleep where ever she wants.

Caidan has had 6 ear infections with in 6 months.

So our next step the ENT.

I AM DESPERATE!!!

I don't know what to do anymore. Kloe has been sick for 4 weeks now (ear infections) she is now on her third medicine and she WON'T SLEEP! The only way she wants to sleep is attached to my boob. I am trying to get her back on a schedule but its a long process with her and I am exhausted and frustrated. She has been sleeping in her swing for 4 nights now and I am beginning to wonder if she will ever sleep in her crib again. I know it can't because her ears... because she has no problem sleeping on my bed. 

HELP any would be greatly appreciated! I am on the verge of tears every time its nap time or bed time okay maybe I do cry a lot of the time. 

I just want my daughter to SLEEP. When she is a wake she is so precious and great but getting her to sleep is just FRUSTRATING! 

You have no idea!

Seriously you have no idea how happy I am to post this...


BUT it will have to wait... I got to get my camera hooked up....

Stay TUNED!

A firemans wife

I heard a saying the other day...

A fireman's wife is a single life.

How I don't want to believe that I feel it I do. I don't for one second think that my husband doesn't work hard but when all you do is sleep with your husband it feels like I don't even have a husband. Chris has been working a lot of over time in the past month which has made me CRAZY! But I am thankful that this week is almost over.

Here is a poem I found.

Fireman's Wife

The table is set, the meal's prepared,
our guests will soon arrive.
My husband once more disappears
with a hope of keeping a child alive.
While waiting at home again alone,
our plans having gone awry.
My first impulse is merely to sit down and cry.
But soon again I realize the importance of my life
when I agreed to take on the duties of being a fireman's wife.
While there are many drawbacks,
I'll take them in my stride
The gusting winds and raging flames
may be his final fate,
But with God's help I can remain
my fireman's faithful mate.

Mmmm...

I think this is what my daughter thinks when she sees me. :)

We're all having a bad day... except the dogs

Here's my day...

Brother is crying because he:
a) wants something he can't
b) gives the dogs his food
c) wants out of his nap which he didn't take
d) his gums hurt

Sissy is crying because she:
a) needs to sleep
b) needs to eat (which she has done about every hour)
c) because she gets left alone because mommy has to deal with brother
d) because she is teething

mommy is crying because:
a) she has to deal with these two by herself
b) she wants daddy home more
c) she needs more sleep
d) she just cant handle the crying anymore

Oh and the dogs well they just SLEEP all day... how i wish I was a dog at the moment.

Here are more....

My sister takes the best photos in the world and i am so excited that she takes my kids photos and our Families!!

So if you are interested check her website out!

Here's a preview!!!

I love my family!

Caida's new haircut

Here are some videos for my fans! :)

Here is Kloe laughing

Here is Caidan telling you what a penguin does and what santa says! :)

Over Thanksgiving

Here is what we did on our Thanksgiving....

We visited my family! It was great!!!!
Oh and Sara took all the pictures... which I have like 500 of! Seriously... I think the real number is 429! :)