Saying good-bye isn't easy

I thought that it would be easier this time to say good-bye. I mean I thought that I have become a pro at saying good-bye that this time would be a little easier... NOT!!

It's been a rough summer, but I have met a lot of great people. And I have had a fabulous time in Houston. I got use to the heat (which I am not going to miss) but I am going to miss a lot of people.

I am going to miss everyone that i work with:
Casey
Adam
Robbie
Jamie
Heidi
Cheryl
Sonja
Bob
Cissi
Lesa
Dustin
You have no idea how much these people have to put up with me. But they have been very patient with me these past three months. Thanks for making my time in Houston so wonderful and fun!

I am going to miss the De Aramas
Brian
Lois
Nicco
Rio
Shilo
I lived with them for about three weeks. The accepted me like they knew me for years. I will never forget their family.

I am going to miss the Reiders
Robbie (I am going to miss you twice..:))
Dana- it was so great to get to know you more and spend time chatting with you. Thanks for letting me live with you and loving on your kids.
Olsen- You are a smart little boy.
Avery- SO CUTE!

I am going to miss the girls.
Tiffany- and my little boyfriend
Ace
Shelly- and Samuel
What you girls didn't know is that I use to hate women. I just never thought that I could get a long with a bunch of girls like I did with you. Thank you so much for our fun times. Austin will always be one of my favorite trips!

And the person that i will miss the most (sorry everyone) is...
Liz!
I realized that I could be myself around you and you thought it was funny. I was never afraid to tell you anything. Like I have told you before I think we were twins seperated at birth. You've become like a sister and a friend. Thanks for being so kind and just accepting me when I first came. I am going to miss you Biatch! :) But I am always a phone call or IM :) away. It won't be the same though because I can't see you while IMing you... haha! And all our little jokes and sayings... Love ya girl! :)

I will be leaving in less than 24 hours and though I am very excited I am also very sad. I haven't said goodbye to anyone and I don't really want to. But its not goodbye only see you later!

So see ya'll later my friends!

Austin City Limits

This weekend we went up to Austin to visit a sweet church. It was also a good-bye weekend for me. I love my girls. Ya’ll will always have a place in my heart.

I walked into church this morning and I just wanted to burst into tears. Vista Community Church is a newer church about two years old. I was reading the program and I just wanted to cry and I don’t really know why.

This was the first time in months that I actually felt like I was “going” to a church. Worship was great and the talk was amazing like always. The way that Jeff speaks is just unique. I could listen to him for hours.

But ever since we left the church my heart hurts… and I don’t know why? The church meets in an elementary school which means each weekend they have to set and tear down. And in a way I really miss that. I miss not being part of something great that God is doing.

Worship had just started to begin and the thought of working at a church crossed my mind. And I honestly couldn’t even believe I thought that. But then I thought I don’t want to work at a church I want to be “part” of a church. I don’t remember the last time I was really part of a church. I’ve always worked at a church so I guess you could say that I was part of a church but it’s really different. I want to go and serve. I have been give so many different talents to just waste them.

Since coming down to Houston I never really felt like the churches valued serving. And not serving as going out each weekend and handing out cokes, or cleaning toilets but serving each other- the church. I do think that some people have the gift of serving more than others and I also believe that everyone has the gift to serve. There are so many of us that just don’t know what to do with that gift sometimes. Jeff talked this morning about how when we think about serving we think about the poor or the homeless, but sometimes it’s the people within our churches that need to be served more. Sometimes it’s our time, sometimes it our money, sometimes it’s a shoulder to cry on and sometimes it’s just our ears.

It’s hard because I feel like God has given me this gift of serving but sometimes I just don’t know what to do with it… I have served in churches (or church) for years and part of me is so burned out by it that I don’t know if I could put myself in that position again, but at the same time I feel like that’s where I am supposed to be. I feel like a lost puppy wandering around.

Summer is coming to an end

My time in Houston is almost over. I can’t say that Houston was a bad move for me and I can’t say that Houston was a good move for me. Being in Houston has had its ups and downs but I know one thing I will never forget… the people that I have met this summer.

This summer was all about me- I know that sounds bad but its not. It was about learning who I was and what I can be. As everyone knows it was really hard for me to move down here. I was scared and nervous and just didn't know what to expect. But what I found out is that everyone loves me and I don't know why? I have met so many great people. I haven't been anything other then who I am and to my surprise they all love me... who knew? I met an incredible man who I fell in love with and again to my surprise he fell in love with me.

Some pics of my wonderful friends...

Meet the Girls: (From front Left) Shelly, Heidi, "ACE" (Candace), Elizabeth :)

She is one of my favorite people... :-D (she's my...well thats between us!)
Hey Liz, MOVE TO HOUSTON!!! (you know who thats from..haha!!)

So like I said my time in Houston is almost over… that’s right almost over. In eight days I move to Chicago. In the past three months I have moved four times (that’s ridiculous) and I am getting tired of moving, but I think that I will be in Chicago for a while.

So why Chicago? As most of you know at the end of May I met Chris and Chris just happens to live in Chicago… okay so I moving to Chicago to be with Chris. We’ve spent hours and hours and hours on the phone and I have gone to visit him twice. Each day I fall more and more in love with him.

As much as a lot of people don’t like the idea of me moving to Chicago I have found out that in the process it is growing me and I am excited to see how this journey is going to go and what lies ahead. I am excited to in a way finally start a relationship with Chris and I am also very excited to be closer to my family and friends.

My wonderful boyfriend

I can’t really tell you how wonderful the love of my life is, but let me just tell you what he did for me.

For over a week now Chris has been telling me that he has a surprise for me. If you know me than you know that I love surprises but I don’t like to know that I have a surprise and not know what it is. And he loves to tell me that he has a surprise for me…just because he knows that I really want to know. He kept telling me that I will get it when I get there Thursday. I started to just ignore him because I knew he was just doing it because it bothered me.

Friday night he sent me a text message with this…
It said:
This is your present!










Now that isn’t the only reason why I love him so much I love him because of so many other things… but I won’t bore you all with that!

I LOVE YOU BUG! :)

The night I went too far

I remember that night too clearly and sometimes I wish I didn’t.

I don’t regret anything that I’ve ever done. We all make wrong decisions and I just happened to make a wrong decision. Do I wish I could do it over? Sure, but I am who I am because of the things, good and bad, that I’ve done.

I knew what I was doing every step of they way. Some might think my emotions got in the way but I knew where I was, who I was with, what would happen if I did this, and that I could easily get up and walk away, but I chose to stay. I chose to stay to get that feeling. Maybe I was looking for something in the wrong place. Okay I was looking for something in the wrong place. But lets be honest… I wasn’t thinking in that moment. If I was a guy lets just say I would be thinking with my… (you know what ☺). That wouldn’t be the last time I would sleep with him.

See for me it was a secret for so long and for so long it hurt. It hurt because what was I to him? Did I really mean anything to him… or was I just good for him because he needed to get his needs met? We had conversation after conversation about how much we both meant to each other and for some stupid reason I believed him, which only meant that I was hurt more. In those moments I felt like I was the most important thing to him. That I could do anything and some how I would be loved (not that he ever said that but its what I felt) but only to turn around and be disappointed the next day because it was “just wrong.”

I got that it was wrong the first time… but after the second, third, fourth time I don’t know if I could believe it anymore. Every thing that he said felt like he was saying it just because I wanted to hear it. And stupid me believed every single word.

I tried not to think about him, but come on I’m a girl and I really liked him. There was something about him, but there were also a lot of things that I just didn’t see because I was too wrapped around him. I would have done anything for him. But I’m not the one who lost anything… he missed out on someone great.

Now to you:
I’m done with you. I didn’t think that I would ever be able to forgive you but now is the time. It hurt but not anymore. You say you care, but if you really cared why? I know we’ve had this conversation. There’s a part of me that will always be cautious. I wish I didn’t always have to put my guard up. But something happened when I fell in love. It was hard to let him love me. I can be the biggest of bitches and he still loves me. I only hope that one day you find that love that you are looking for… someone who can put up with you and someone who you can put up with. Love isn’t all the mushy, “I love you” and sleeping with her every night and laughing all the time. It’s the good times and the bad times. You can’t choose to love at certain times of the day. Its all day every day for the rest of your life. Just remember you aren’t a bad guy and you will find that love that you are looking for... she's out there waiting.

One of the most AMAZING nights of my life

KELLY CLARKSON!
I love Kelly Clarkson and last night I got to see her in concert. It was AMAZING! I admire her so much as a person. She went from waiting table three years ago to making music. She is amazing. Her voice is AMAZING!
Lets just say it was an AMAZING night.

There was six of us who went and lets say we got the hook up. One of the guys in the band and also the musical director for the tour is a friend of Adam and Casey's. He used to travel with David Ruis and someone else and now he travels with Kelly and is working on her new CD. We got a tour of the stage before the show started and we got to tour the bands bus (which is very different from Kelly's) and we got to meet the band. We didn't get to meet Kelly which was sad but the night was so AMAZING that I didn't even really care. I was just so excited to be at the concert. And we got amazing seats! Not front row but lets say the seats that we had cost $75.

I was sad the night was over but something that I will never forget!

This great LOVE

Do you ever feel like you have to pray more? Or read your bible more? Or go to church more? Because you think God is keeping a list of all our names with check marks by them of all the things we’ve done wrong and in order to clear all the check marks you have next to your name (there would be a lot next to mine) you have to do “more.” Isn’t that one of the biggest lies we’ve ever heard?

On Thursday nights there’s a bunch of girls that go to this bible study downtown called Metro (check it out). The speakers name is Jeff Magnum. Wonderful speaker (if you get a chance check out the podcast!) He pastors a church in Austin, Texas and every Thursday night for the past 6 weeks has been driving two hours each way to speak to a group of 20-30 year olds.

Last night he spoke on redemption. But that’s not what stuck out to me. I know that I’ve talked about God’s love and it being so big and sometimes misunderstood. Jeff has an 8 month old little daughter. He said the most frustrating thing is that she doesn’t know how much her daddy loves her. He said he sits there every day and tells her a million times that he loves her and she just smiles or laughs at him. Do you ever think we do that with God, smile and laugh at him when he tells us he loves us?

The three words that God tells us every single day probably over and over again are I LOVE YOU and the mean nothing to us. We brush those words off like they mean nothing to us because we don’t understand the depth of what they really mean. I know that God loves me and I can tell you a million times but I don’t understand the depth of how God really loves me. It almost brings me to tears; no it does because I can’t grasp that love.

I just hope one day I will be able to grasp a little of that love!

I’m not sure I understand what church is for.

Churches down in Houston are very different from churches in Cincinnati. When I first started to go to church down here I thought they “did” church the wrong way. Worship is just mediocre, talks are taught right from the bible and not life related (if that makes sense… and not saying that is wrong at all), production is not a big quality here, church is so long and churches are also small here.

Now none of that is wrong. But I’ve realized I don’t know what church is for.

I know that all churches are different and every church is going to do things very different from every other church but shouldn’t church have one main focus… to bring people to Christ? VCC is a very outward focused church. It’s all about serving the poor and reaching out to those in need. In Houston most of the churches that I have attended are community focused. Being in community is a key factor to living a life with Christ.

I go to a Vineyard church which is a non-denominational church. But how is that any different from a denominational church? Lutheran’s, Baptists, and whoever else have rules or regulations (I guess you could call them that) that they have to follow as a church. If you are a Vineyard Church don’t you also follow rules and regulations set by the Vineyard Association?

I guess I just don’t understand why people make a big deal out of going to church. I’ve never gone to church every week and been blown away every week…maybe every once in a while but as far as every week… no. I can sit and have a conversation with God and get more out of that than going and listening to some one speak to me for 30-40 minutes. I’m not saying that you don’t need to go to church and that I think it’s a waste of time because I think that its part of being in a relationship with Christ, but I don’t know if just going to church to say I’ve gone is the right thing either.

It was a lot easier when I was a kid. I just followed my mom and dad but now that I am all by myself I’m just trying to figure out where I fit in and what fits me.

Falling in love

Okay I know it's been a while since I wrote something so I thought I would do so since every one seems to want to hear about something. So a lot of people have probably been wondering what's up with Chris... I thought you guys broke up? We did and then we got back together (and are together).

I first met Chris last Thanksgiving when I went to visit my grandparents. One night while we were there my aunt wanted to go bowling and hang out with us and some of her friends... Chris happened to be one of them. We met at dinner first and then went out bowling. Him and one of his then left real suddenly because my aunt and him got in an arguement. He then came back and hung out for a while. That was all. I thought he was cute but that was all. I lived in Cincy he lived in Plano.
I knew that Chris was going to be in my Aunts wedding and asked if I could walk down the aisle with him. She said sure. Little did I know that he also wanted to walk down the aisle with me... :) I was excited to see him. He was funny... and cute... and very sweet! We had fun at the wedding a little flirting... okay a lot mostly from him... :) :) :). That weekend was fun and I left not thinking anything would come from it... maybe a new friend? Little did I know that I would fall in love. We chatted that night I got here and the next day and the next day and the next day and every day since. Two weeks into it I got a little scared. I didn't realize how we would be able to have a relationship that was so far away. It broke my heart to break up with him and I know that it break his even more. He sent me a letter that showed me just how much he loved me. Here is a little of it...

Maybe one day we will meet again and things will be different that time. If we were really meant to be, we will be. Maybe we both still have some growing to do. If God wants us to be together he will find a way to make it happen. As hard as it is for me, I am going to let you go without a fight. Only because I know in my heart you will come back to me with open arms. I tried so hard not to cry, but now I am. It hurts so bad to say goodbye to someone I love so much, but I guess I don't have much choice. I will love you forever, nothing will change that. I hope you find what you are looking for. You deserve all the glories and riches in the world. Good luck in everything you do, and know that I love you and I am behind you 100% in everything you do. Don't forget to smile every day, because everyone deserves to see how beautiful you and your smile are.

I cried and I cry every time I read that. I didn't talk to him for maybe a day and it killed me. At that time I was in Colorado and unable to use my cell phone... good thing? NO! I needed to talk to anyone and I couldn't. It was the worst thing ever. When I was in a place with reception I ended up calling him and we've never stopped. At first it was just as friends... yeah you know how that works. And then I went and visited him and everything changed. I feel in love... :) So thats the story. Thats why I'm always so happy!

I can't take anymore

I’m just frustrated today.

It’s one of those days that no matter what happens everything just seems to frustrate me. I can be having a nice conversation and then the next minute something sets me off and your pissed... Yeah that’s my day today. :(

Sorry if I was grumpy to you. It didn't have anything to do with you.

I want to bake or cook... yeah it's like 1AM here and I'm in bed and I want to cook. I am just stressed out and annoyed. I really just want to go to bed so I can end this day but every time I lay down I think about too much stuff. And honestly I would rather not think at this moment. I would love to fall in a deep sleep and dream about good things. I would also like my cell phone to stop breaking. In less than one month I will have gone through three cell phones... I feel like Steve Fuller... If you are ever thinking about buying a razor... DON'T! This is the second time that it refuses to charge. (I swear I don't do anything too it!!!) And it's not the battery. Thats what the guy tried to tell me over the phone but I got kind of frustrated so I think he finally understood that this was a major issue and that I just needed a new one. I'm hungry (I just realized that) but I am too lazy at this moment to get out of bed and get me something to eat. I need some good Dane Cook. I need to just laugh in this moment. Maybe I will go do that... I will let you know if it helped!

I'm sorry!

I have a lot of apologizing to be done but I'm sorry I have kept you all out of the loop. It's been a weird last three weeks. I don't have internet at the house I am staying out so I can't just blog at anytime at this moment.

I've moved again and then in about a week or so I will move again and then who knows when I will move again. My world is very crazy at the moment.

I am sorry to all those who have tried to call and I don't answer... I am sorry to those who I haven't called and should... I am sorry to some other people that I have made mad a couple weeks ago... in general I am just sorry! I hope you can forgive me.

Houston is just going... I don't love it but I don't hate it. I love my job but hate the city. No offense to anyone who lives in Houston or is going to be... but the city SUCKS! :)

On another note... I've gotten to hang out with some cool girls and just have fun.

Here are some pictures of my new family at the moment. :)








Here's me and the girls... we were on the way to the movies!








Meet Shilo...













....and meet Rio.








and this is Nicco (I bet he won't like this picture up... but that's what happens when your younger sister gets a hold of the camera! :))








And I have to put a picture of Chris! :) :) :) :) :) :)

What a week...

This week has been amazing. I don't have time to write about it at the moment but just keep checking I will update soon! ;)

F***** UP

Here’s where I am at...



Life is FUCKED UP!!!
(I’m sorry there is no other word to describe how I feel in this moment!)

I hate that I am twenty and more mature than 28,29, and 30 year olds. Why do I always have to be the big person? I am the one who is supposed to be young and enjoy life… not dealing with everyone’s shit. I can fix everyone’s problems.

Do you ever feel like some of the gifts you have been given are curses?

Mood: Frustrated, scared, nervous, hungry (because I am all of those things and I can’t eat when I am all of those things), mad, angry, sad, but I have a little bit of excitement (I think that is the only thing that is keeping me going).

Being stretched

I know I have written a post about this before but some how it means something else to me… those Fray’s.















Some times the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

It seems like I have been doing a lot of hard things lately but I know they are right. This doesn’t make it easier but makes it easier to know that there is a purpose to what I am doing. I am about to do something that will either hurt some people I love or help people I love and I am not quite sure.

I knew that coming down here was going to stretch me in ways that I never thought. I have been down here…4 weeks?... and I’ve been stretched enough. But for some reason I don’t think it’s over. There is a lot more stretching that has to happen unfortunately. (that’s either a good thing or a bad thing… I’d like to think that it’s a good thing!)

Just if you remember in your day to keep me in your prayers!
Thanks! :)

Boys and... me

Disclaimer: I am not saying any of this because I think I am better than anyone else. Because God knows I’m not. Just an observation and conversations with people.

Guys seem to be attracted to me. What I mean by that is the minute a guy meets me they’re automatically attracted to me. (I’m serious… I haven’t met one guy who hasn’t liked me at one time… even if it was for a brief minute or a thought...unless they are married…but I’ve never asked a married man because well they are married.) I can be completely mean to a guy and he falls for me. I can be so sweet (too much) and he falls for me. I can look the worst that I’ve ever looked and he falls for me. I can look the best I’ve ever looked and he falls for me. It doesn’t matter what I do... GUYS FALL FOR ME!

I don’t know what I do to make guys fall for me either. I really don’t want all these guys falling for me. The thing is once a guy falls for you and you are nice to them they think you’re great and keep talking to you and blah blah blah. I just don’t have the heart to tell them that they are sweet but I just don’t like them like that.

I just don’t know what to do… I know I'm cute but I can't help that. God made me this way. :)

Doing the stuff

Tonight and every night this week I get the chance to sing with Adam at a conference that he is leading worship at called Doing the Stuff… which is like SOS but on a much smaller scale (because they don’t have a Kande Wilson! ;))

But the speaker for the conference is the author of the book Buck Naked Faith (I don't remember his name...sorry). Great book… I recommend it. He didn’t talk about the book at all. He actually talked about identities and what we find our identities in. This is something I am struggling with a lot.

I know who I am, but I also don’t know who I am. (That probably makes no sense to any one.) I let things define me, my friends, my job, the things I have, the things I don’t have, my money, my house, my car, and my family. Yeah I know the answer… I should just let God tell me who I am (that’s the Jesus answer). BUT THAT’S HARD!

Last week while we were at the boot camp I met this really cool dude (no not like that!) who told me some thing that is very obvious but something that was very profound to me at that moment, “God is not tangible.” Sometimes don’t you just need God to be tangible? I do. I need God right here in my face telling me everything. Can you imagine what you would or wouldn’t do if God was really in our face? Yes, I know he is here but I am talking about him actually being here like a human.

Sometimes I think… or maybe just me… we forget that God is here. We go on with our lives, feeding the kids, doing our jobs, going shopping, cleaning the house or doing the laundry that we forget that God is every where. Maybe this is just an obvious statement and that's okay but right now in this moment it’s a big statement for me. If God was here I wouldn’t feel like I need to find me… I would find myself in Him. So why can't I do that?

A lot of people define themselves by their relationships. If you’re married then you have found your identity in your life with your husband/wife. If you’re dating someone you have found your identity with your boyfriend/girlfriend. (I’m not saying that all those people have found there identity and have a terrific life… I think they struggle with identities too. I just think it is easier for them to feel like they have an identity. Please correct me if I’m wrong.)

I met a couple who are nineteen and are pretty serious about their relationship. I am twenty and I am struggling to find who I AM and how do you do it when you are dating someone. I know finding our identities is different for everyone but being in a relationship (a serious one) I think would really hurt me (now don’t get me wrong I would love to be in a relationship) but there is a reason I am single, 20 and just moved across country.

There is a lot that I need to figure out about me and life and I guess God new that I wouldn’t be able to do that back in Cincinnati so he moved me all the way down here where I am struggling because nothing is familiar to me, I have to make friends… they just don’t fall in my lap… I have to learn a new job with new people (some are old but it’s still different), and I have to learn new roads that are very confusing to me. (I’ve gotten lost A LOT… but I just laugh at myself because in a way I do it on purpose. :))

Finding out who you are can be scary if you don’t like change. Umm… hello… ME! But I’ve come too far to back down now… even though sometimes it would be so great to just go home and see everyone!

I’m in this till the end!

Personal trainer

So yesterday I joined the gym here. That is a good thing, but I am also very sore too. When you join one of the things that they do is give you a session with a personal trainer (it’s just to get you to sign up with them) but this morning Melody and I went, and let me just say…PAINFUL! Don’t get me wrong I enjoyed every single minute of it, but my body hurts so much. I can’t walk up the stairs. (I’m not complaining either! And if you think I am then stop reading)

We as humans give up way too easy and don’t push ourselves enough. Why is it that a complete stranger causes me to push myself to what seems impossible to me but I can’t push myself to half that?

It’s the same with life. I think God pushes us to what seems impossible to us. It’s like a trainer knows how much weight we can lift and how much to push us…God knows how much we can handle and he will never give us more. We have the right to tell our trainer I can’t do anymore and the thought is always in your mind when your sitting there sweating and the trainer is saying, “Come on ten more.” You don’t think you can do it. But he believes in you and knows that this is good for you. Same with God, we can tell him and have probably told him several of times I can’t do it anymore, but he’s right there with us telling us we can and pushing us more because he knows that whatever it is it’s a good thing.

And after it’s over it’s probably very painful, but eventually that pain will disappear and you will feel better about yourself. We don’t like to cause ourselves pain and we will avoid anything just to not feel that pain but sometimes we need that pain.

To be healthy you have to be disciplined. You have to eat healthy and work out. To be spiritually healthy you have to be disciplined. You have to have a relationship with God. (I was going to name all the things you should do but I think each person has a relationship with God that is different.) Working out hurts… having a relationship with God can hurt too.

Physically I am ready to be disciplined…
Spiritually I am ready to be disciplined…
God help me!

My trip to Colorado

My trip to Colorado was long, but good. I met some really cool people that will always have a place in my heart.

The first half of the trip (Monday-Thursday) was in Fort Collins where we got ready to record a live CD. We set-up, rehearsed, rehearsed some more, ate a lot, slept a little, met a lot of cool people, laughed a lot and recorded a night of worship.

The second half of the trip (Fruday-Tuesday) was in Estes Park. The first day of the trip was very hard for me even the second day because I had to disconnect from the world. Estes is a beautiful place that is surrounded by mountains. I’ve heard how amazing the park was but was really unaware of how beautiful it was.

But here are some pictures from my trip.

Meet Calum Rees... he was the drummer from the recording and he is from England. He is a funny man.

Casey refused to take a normal picture... so this is what he gets! :)

This is Adam... he didn't know I was taking the picture.

Meet Sherri... she is an amazing woman! John... he doesn't really look like this!

Robbie fell a sleep on the floor at the camp while we were transfering fills... :)

This is George Kazaklis... he plays some mean keyboard stuff that he does.

I have a lot more pictures but they wouldn't go up so I will try to put them for everyone to see.

My Confession

I don’t know who I am.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what drives me.

I don’t feel loved.
I know that there are a million people that love and care for me, but what I mean by love is to feel that love. It’s weird because I can say that I am loved by God I know that so much, but my heart still longs for more… what? I don’t know. I am still searching.

I don’t feel beautiful.
Before you say anything… I know that I am beautiful. But have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, “WOW! I am beautiful!”? I do it all the time. But the minute some one tells me I am beautiful I deny it. I think this goes a long with the loved thing. I know the times in my life when I have felt loved I feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and when I feel not loved... I feel ugly.

I feel alone.
I had an amazing thing that I had to let go… now I’m alone and sad.

I think in this very moment I love God so much, but am very mad at him.
I love God because he has directed my life, but at the same time I am so mad at him. I don’t know why he does the things he does. I couldn’t even begin to explain God to you, but sometimes you just have to do what he is telling you… even when it really really sucks!

I don’t know if it’s a curse or a gift, but I fall way too easy for guys.
I have this problem… and I really do think it’s a problem… I fall for the guys who I think are attractive and give me the attention that I need. I normally fall really hard, but somewhere in that process I see who they are… even if they don’t show me that side of them. I see who they are to become and what God wants to do with them.

I want a drink in this moment.
In this very moment a beer would be GREAT. Maybe I could get some sleep…?

I want to smoke.
I don’t smoke, but every time I see someone smoking or smell it I want one. That’s it really… no significant reason.

If I didn’t have a concise and God wasn’t in my life I would be out sleeping around with guys and possibly pregnant at this moment.
I’ve tasted it… and when you’ve had it it’s really hard to go with out it. I’m struggling.

I don’t deserve you. I didn’t deserve you.
I can’t apologize enough for what I’ve done. But you have taught me that I deserve the best. I don’t deserve to be tossed around. I deserve to be placed on a pedestal. Thank you for teaching me about me. Thank you for loving me and thank you for being so wonderful. I didn’t deserve you. I don’t deserve you.

It’s hard

I’m not going to lie… I am having a really hard time. The first week I was really impressed with myself… I didn’t get homesick and I didn’t have a melt down. I was doing well! Not so much for the second week.

Tonight started the Worship Leaders Boot Camp. Which is ninety some teenagers and young adults coming together to be equipped with the right tools on how to lead worship and just worship God. Sound exciting… yes?... Not for me! Today is my melt down… today was my melt down! I had been going strong for so long and today I just couldn’t take it.

Like I have said probably a million times… I don’t like people. It’s probably a really bad thing that I have taught myself, but I just don’t like BIG crowds (especially 100 people I don’t know) and I just don’t like to meet people.

Today I was put in charge of registration for the event. YES… I love to do those types of things but not so good for a girl who was on the edge of exploding…though I didn’t know it… I quickly became aware of it. I new my mood was changing. You know how you can just feel when your mood changes? I just wanted to escape… I wanted something that was familiar to me. I wanted my mom, I wanted my sisters, I wanted Brooke, I wanted my babies… and the worst part I couldn’t have any of them because there is ZERO cell phone coverage up here and they are too many miles a way from me. I needed them so bad. I just kept telling myself what all of them would have told me a million times, “I’m sorry. You’ll be okay.” Now those might be five easy words to say, but let me tell you something they mean a lot when I’m having a melt down.

These two weeks I’ve been through a lot. I’ve moved out of my wonderful house. I met an amazing guy. I’ve moved to a big ass city. I have a new room. I have a new life. I’ve met more people than I would have liked to have met. I’ve gone to Colorado. I’m in Colorado meeting more people that I would rather not meet (not because I don’t want to, but I am really sick of meeting people). I have been to a different climate that is really starting to bother me. I still have four days in a place where I would rather not be. The list could go on and on.

I’m really sick of people telling me what to do and what not to do. I’m not little. I’m an adult now… I know really hard to believe. But I need to make my own mistakes. I can’t learn from you trying to correct your mistakes with me. I want to make my own mistakes!

I’ve learned I don’t know who I am. Have you ever been somewhere that you’ve let define you? For so long I let the Vineyard define me. That’s who I was. I was the one everyone wanted to help with things… I was that “girl”. Now I am in a different city, with people who don’t know me, in a job that I really don’t know about and I don’t know what defines ME! Who am I? What do I do? What drives me?

This is a really big stretching point for me. I want someone to reach out to me… I want someone who will do things with me, but I don’t want to look for that person. I just want them to drop in my lap. And I have a feeling that just ain’t going to happen. I have a feeling that it is going to take everything I have to meet people.
It’s taking everything I have to stay. I really don’t want to stay. I want to go home. I want to see my family and friends. And I just don’t want to give up. Who ever said following God was easy!