The only love we need.

So I wrote about a month ago (you can go back and read it) about how I always have to have a man in my life. Not necessarily dating someone but I always have to have a "crush." And recently I have come to the realization that that is a bunch of bull shit! Whoever made that up didn't know what they were talking about.

I don't remember the last time I didn't like someone. Is it even possible for a person not to like someone? I don't know. But needing and having a guy in my life has been my life for I don't know ten years. I shouldn't be waiting for that moment every day. I would actually say that 50% of my day I think about men. Isn't that just disturbing...it is to me. But here is the best thing...I think husbands and wives are gifts from God! Isn't that incredible! To marry that person and know that God created both of you to be together. To know that from the time you and he/she was born that God had you in mind. I mean isn't that amazing?

I don't know if you have ever heard the song "Enough" by Chris Tomlin but I think that really talks about all that we need. We only really need God's love, we only really need God! I mean think about it...everything that I have, I have it because of God. Now think about what you have...what do you have that wasn't from God? NOTHING! I just think we forget how much God has done for us. I think that we go on with our lives and forget to thank God for what he has given us. I mean I do! We complain but do we ever say thanks? (okay going off on a little tangent)

I think I am finally realizing how much I love God! I always said that I love God, but it always felt fake almost...not fake but almost a saying...(I hope I am making sense)...I guess I just never felt that I loved him as much as he loved me. But I don't think that I will ever love him as much as he loves me. But now I feel like I am in love with him. I know that he is all I need. Throw the men out the window who needs them when you have God? I am just kidding...kinda...:) I just finally feel like I love God. I mean for me it has always been something that I have grown up to say or feel...You just love God. Everyone always said God loves me more than I will ever know...but I don't ever remember anyone ever talking about how much they loved God or what that even looked like.

And part of loving God is also trusting him. So if we try so hard to be in a relationship when it's not the right timing for God its like saying I don't love you God. I think it is very disrespectful to not trust God... and I am not pointing fingers and saying you should really trust God, I am talking more to myself I think. I need to trust God just as much as you do. I don't think that I am a very good example of trust.

I do believe that God made man and women to be together...I mean he did make Eve so Adam would have a companion? So I believe that he made each one of us with a companion also. And I also believe that he made each one of us for his love. To say that we love him is one thing but to actual feel love for him is another thing. And I think I have finally realized what it feels like to be in love with God.

"Love is the most dangerous discourse in the world. It is daring and difficult because it makes you vulnerable, but if you experience it, it is the peak of human existence."
James Baldwin

My wedding

So apparently this past weekend I got married! WHO KNEW!

So check this out and read all about it...haha!
http://greenandfornia.weddings.com

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

Fear

The other night I was watching Ring 2 and there was an interesting scene that goes like this.
As Rachel is sleeping Aidan comes to her in her dreams and they have this conversation...

(Aidan has been taken over by Samara and the only way she can't hear them is when they are sleeping)
Aidan: Shh. Just keep sleeping Rachel so she (Samara) can't hear us. It's the only way. Your gonna have to show her Rachel... Show her she can't stay.

Rachel: In you? How? How do I do that?

Aidan: Take me to wear she is afraid of. You know what she's afraid of (water.) Take me there....and kill me.

Rachel: Aidan No!

Aidan: Shh Rachel stay sleeping. She won't stay if she knows you will kill me. It's the only way.

Rachel: I can't do it... I can't.

Aidan: Then she stays.
Scene ends and she wakes up.

There are two things in that scene that really stick out for me and they both have to do with Fear. The first one is Rachel is afraid to listen to Aidan and kill him. She's scared that she'll kill Aidan and never have him back. But what she has to consider is does she want Aidan alive and live with him as "Samara" or is she willing to take a risk and kill him? The second thing is Samara is so afraid that if she knows someone is going to try and kill the person that she is living in then she leaves.

(Sorry I am probably going to ruin the movie for you...I warned you)
How did Rachel conquer her fear...she did the one thing that she was scared of the most...kill her son. But that's the best thing... she tried to kill her son and in the process Samara left him. So in reality there was nothing for Rachel to be scared of. I want to say that somehow Aidan knew that if Rachel tried to kill him that Samara would leave and he would be okay but I don't really know that. And how did Samara conquer her fear? Well she didn't. She was so scared that she ran away.

Now I believe that we are either one of those two people. We are either Rachel and face our fears or we are Samara and run from our fears. I believe for a while I have been Samara, running from everything that I was and am afraid of. How bout you? Who are you...Rachel or Samara?

Honestly I am tired of running from my fears. I am so tired of being afraid. I want to know that I don't have to be afraid of the world. I want to know that I can trust that God is going to protect me.. I want to go forward even when I don't think it is the right thing because I trust God. I know that God is my protection. I know that he won't let anything harm me. The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
Deuteronomy 31:8

I think a lot of us live in fear everyday. Sometimes we might even let fear run our lives. I know I have. For over a year I have wanted to go to school for nursing but I was too afraid becauseIi thought I would never make it. I thought I would fail classes because I wasn't smart. For over two years I stayed in a position at work that was horrible, but I stayed because I was comfortable and I was afraid to step out and take a risk.

Think about this...How many time are you afraid of something and run away from it, but the minute you go do it or get on it or whatever... you aren't afraid anymore? You know how every one always say, "It'll be okay", well it really will be okay. It is scary and I think that everyone has the right to be scared and maybe being scared is a good thing, but the truth is Everything will be okay. I have takena lott of risk and look at me I am perfectly normal. I think Satan uses fear as a weapon...okay I know he does. He tries to instill fear into us so we won't do what we are called to do. They are only lies and you have the right to ignore them or listen to them. I would suggest ignoring them but I am not you. All I can tell you is that I have gone through some pretty scary things (at least for me) and I am perfectly okay!

So what are you going to do next time you are afraid? Are you going to choose to ignore it and go on? Or are you going to let fear win?

What would have happened?

"I can't imagine getting to the end of my life and thinking, 'I wonder what would have happened if I had gone for it.'"

Those where the words Dave Workman spoke this weekend. And man did it hit home for me.

So maybe everyone knows "what this thing is" and maybe you don't so here it is. I have decided to go to college! :-O haha! Yeah big shocker for me too. But it feels so right. It finally feels like the right time in my life. Since I was 15, I have always dreamt of being a nurse. A labor and delivery nurse actually. So that is what I am going to do. Go to nursing school. I remember being a sophmore in high school and sending away for information from UC about their nursing program. I got it in the mail and I was so excited. It didn't leave my side for a couple days. You know like when you get a new book and you don't want to leave it...yeah I didn't want to leave all my information. :)

So you might be asking why didn't I go to college a year ago for it...FEAR! Fear of failing. Fear of not being the best. Fear that I won't be able to make it through. Fear that I won't like it. But those are all things that I have to face up too. (more about that in a later post)

I am not saying that home schooling is bad (okay maybe I am) but I don't think that I got a great education in school (or at home). I don't feel like I learned everything that I should have. Not that my parents didn't do a good job, because I think that they did. I just don't think that I put everything into it. I did it because I had to. I always hated school because I had to do it and thats why I didn't go to college right away. I hated school because I was FORCED to do it. I wanted to go to college becuase I wanted to go. Not because everyone else was going and thats what I should do. I am glad that i didn't have those types of parents that wanted you to go to college. Ones who thought that getting a degree was the only way to go. I have to actually thank my parents for not pushing me into going to college, but for supporting me in all my decisions.

In the last year I have had that thought over and over again... I wonder what would have happened if I had gone for it. What if God had created me to do that one thing specificly and I totally ignored his calling... what would have happened? Ten years down the road would I be miserable and wish that I would have gone to school to be a nurse? I don't want to be 30 and wondering what if. Now I won't have to wonder what would have happened. I get to figure it out. How exciting!

So I just wanted to let everyone in on the exciting news that is going on in my life! :) And to say really think about this: "I can't imagine getting to the end of my life and thinking, 'I wonder what would have happened if I had gone for it.'"

I just want to challenge you on this. What is something that you can't imagine getting to the end of your life and not doing? It's not too late to do anything. It's never too late! SO GO FOR IT!

So Small

Do you ever feel like you are so small to everyone else? Okay well maybe I am small compared to everyone else, but I mean do you ever look at other people and think, "Will I ever feel like I am an adult?"

I do all the time... Maybe that's because everyone all around me is older than me. At work everyone is older than me (And I mean everyone...I am the youngest on staff), at home everyone is older than me (well not Mac and Mateo, but they don't count because they don't really do much), and most of my friends are older than me. But it's not always bad having everyone older than you. I just mean have you ever walked into something and thought, "She looks like an adult? Or he looks like an adult?"

Yesterday I was taking food trays into the plumb room (one of the rooms off the stage) and I walked past the singer and thought she looks like an adult? Now I know that she is a mom and I think she has two kids and I thought will I look like an adult when I have kids? Will people think that I am a mom when I have kids? Or will they still just see me as a "little girl"?

Now you all are probably laughing at me because you might be thinking who wants to be an adult. But that's not it...I just don't want to feel young. Tonight I went to Fusion (the high school ministry) and I was walking around waiting for it to start. Now two months ago everyone would have known who I was...don't ask me how...but somehow everyone knew who I was. Well tonight when I walked in there were so many new faces both students and leaders that didn't know me and I didn't know them. I felt like I was a student in high school. That's my point I don't want people to think that I am in high school. Now I know that I might look like I am in high school but I can't really help that...God made me this way.

Maybe it's a good thing that I look young. Maybe 20 years down the road I'll be enjoying looking young. But right now I am not. Here's why... Adults don't respect students. So when they see a student or me they think we know nothing. Maybe it is true, maybe they don't know anything, maybe I don't know anything...(I think high school kids think they know it all...have everything planned out.) But is that really a bad thing? I learned so much in high school when I thought that I knew things and then turned out to be completely wrong.

I think what I am trying to say is give students (high school) a break. They are just trying to figure out who they are. So next time you walk by a student and think, "That kids a punk", just remember how it was like in high school for you...It's not easy.

So will I always look like I am in high school? Maybe...maybe not. Will I ever feel like an adult? Probably one day and then I will wish that I am went back to being a little kid again.

Enjoy being who you are in this moment...you may never have that chance again.

"What This Thing is"

Isn’t God amazing?

About a week ago I made a huge decision for me at least. It’s something that I have never wanted to do or ever thought that I would ever do. I don’t know what got me to do it…I don’t know what went off in my brain that said “Kalla you should do it!” But here’s my theory. God.

I know that I would never have the strength to go through this on my own. After I had decided I wanted to do this I was praying and asking God, “God if you really want me to take this risk then I need to know that you are going to be with me.” (That was last Monday) Then at staff prayer Dana (she was leading it that day) was talking (honestly I don’t know what about) but looked right at me and said “I will be with you!” Now maybe that wasn’t even anything for me to hear like that or maybe that is exactly what God wanted me to hear. Either way I heard it and it got me so excited! I can do this! I don’t have to be scared or afraid. God is going to be with me either way.
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."
Matthew 7:7-8

I have only told a couple of people what this thing is because it’s very important to me and I am afraid if I just start telling everyone that I won’t end up doing it and then I will become a loser. So if you are reading this and wondering when I am going to tell you “what this thing is”, I’m not going to tell until everything is finalized. Some of you that know me may know what I am talking about and some of you may not have a clue.

I have thought about doing this thing for over year but then I get really scared and decided not to do anything about it. But not this time… its really weird not one scared bone in my body.

One reason that I have always been scared about this is that I thought that I was never smart enough to do this and that always kept me from doing anything. But I’m not even scared about being smart enough. I know that if this is what God wants me to do then I am going to do it, whether its easy or hard, whether I am smart enough or not. I know that I will be challenged in this, but what aren’t we challenged in when God calls us to do something?

I am so excited! God I can’t wait to see the challenges you have for me with this and everything else. Thanks for being and awesome Father who will always be with me.

Changes

So a lot of change is going on around me. And I hate change.

About two weeks ago I found out that two major people on staff were leaving and one of those people is part of my team. Then last week found out that another person on my team was also leaving. There are six people on my team, that means that two of them are leaving and they are a huge part of the team…I would say they are the most important parts of the team. And then people are dropping like dominos around here. There have been six (that I know of) that have resigned within the past two weeks. See ever since I have started working here people have left all the time. I thought hearing the news of my teammates leaving would be easy, and it was easy at first, but the whole idea of them leaving hadn’t really hit me.

And on top of all that there will be a new baby in the house soon (that’s a good thing…not a bad thing) which means that Brooke, Aaron and Mac will be gone for 4-6 weeks. Which I don’t even want to think about. Some people have asked me what are you going to do without Mac for that long and my response has been, “I think I will be okay from being away from him of course I will miss him, but I am going to miss Brooke more.” It’s not that they are leaving but for 6 weeks everything has to change and then change again when they get back.

See here’s the thing; I don’t mind change when I am doing it. If it is a decision that I have made that causes change well then that’s okay. It when everything around me is changing and I can’t do anything to stop it or control it. Like when the weather changes…I hate it…people always get sick, and you can never control that, you never know what you need to wear (when its around the time the seasons change), you can never plan anything outside because you always have to have a back up plan in-case it “might” rain.

I understand that changes are a good thing but that doesn’t mean that I have to like it. I think that every time I have had a “change” in my life it was never a good thing it was always a bad thing (at least when it happened…which is what I hate.)

Lets go back nine years ago in May of 1996 in Plano, Illinois at the middle school softball fields. I had just finished softball practice and my dad picked me up. I got in the car and I was talking about my practice and how fun it was when my dad looked at me at told me he needed to tell me something. (And let me say that we never drove away…we sat in the parking lot…which should have been my first clue that something was wrong) I looked and him and said, “Okay” (not really knowing what was coming) He told me that we were moving. He said we were moving to Cincinnati, OH, the place that he had been recently on a “business trip.” See my dad never went on business trips but for some reason he had been on several in those past couple months. I was crying at that moment. Plano had been the place where I grew up. All my friends were there, my grandparents were there, and all our family lived within an hour from us. And I had no idea where Cincinnati was, I had never heard of it…and I don’t even think I knew where Ohio was. I remember sing Ohio in a song to learn the states but I had no clue where it was. I remember crying all the way home and getting home and hugging my mom and crying some more. I got home and called my best friend and told her the sad news.

That was in May and in June we packed up and moved out here. And boy let me tell you I had no idea what life was. We moved down here knowing no one!!! And to add to all that we started home schooling that year, plus getting used to being around your family 24/7. And in three years we had moved 3 times, which might night seem a lot, but to someone who had only moved once in ten years that was a lot. And it wasn’t like when we moved in Plano, you could still keep your same friends because everyone went to the same school, when we moved here we moved 20 minutes away. Away from all the friendships we had made, away from all the familiar places.

Then at the end of 2000 Betsy and I had gone on a retreat for a week, when we came back my dad had some news to tell us. He told us that he had been laid off from his job. My dad was unemployed for more than a year after that. Talk about change. Imagine your dad home with you everyday. Things that you could get away with mom you couldn’t get away with with dad. And in that year that my dad was laid off my parents decided- no excuse- felt like God was telling them to have another child or more. Why in the hell you would want another child when you have four already? (that’s a post later to come) You got me!

Then in September of 2004 my parents started the process (which is still going on) of adopting 3 younger kids, ages 3, 2 and 1 when they came to us. Now you might think what’s so wrong with having three younger brothers and sister? That’s the problem. It was change and a big change on top of that. The whole house had to be “baby proofed”, and we had to rearrange rooms to accommodate the three little ones. And we had to get used to taking care of three little ones, who had some neglect issues and the numerous issues that come with that.

I know that change is good when ever thing is over or I have gotten used to it. Like I can look back and say moving to Cincinnati has been one of the best things that have happened to me. I don’t think that I would be the same person today if we hadn’t have moved here. I know that my dad being laid off was a good change for him and us. It taught me that through every thing God will be there for you. I don’t know if I have ever been okay with my parents adopting the kids…so I can’t say that that has been a good change.

All I know is that I am not going to enjoy the changes that are going to come. But I know that they are for good and not bad.

Being too Young

So every Wednesday morning we have staff prayer. It's actually quit refreshing for me. A couple weeks ago we read about David's Character. When we walked in the door we were handed this sheet that had this verse and 4 questions:
When the Philistines heard that David had been anointed king over all Israel, they went up in full force to search for him, but David heard about it and went out to meet them. Now the Philistines had come and raided the Valley of Rephaim; so David inquired of God: "Shall I go and attack the Philistines? Will you hand them over to me?" The LORD answered him, "Go, I will hand them over to you." So David and his men went up to Baal Perazim, and there he defeated them. He said, "As waters break out, God has broken out against my enemies by my hand." So that place was called Baal Perazim. The Philistines had abandoned their gods there, and David gave orders to burn them in the fire. Once more the Philistines raided the valley; so David inquired of God again, and God answered him, "Do not go straight up, but circle around them and attack them in front of the balsam trees. As soon as you hear the sound of marching in the tops of the balsam trees, move out to battle, because that will mean God has gone out in front of you to strike the Philistine army." So David did as God commanded him, and they struck down the Philistine army, all the way from Gibeon to Gezer.
1 Chronicles 14:8-16
1) What do you see in this passage that reveals something of David's dependence on God?
2) Where has the enemy been challenging your advance in the Kingdom of God?
(There were two more but they aren't important and we really didn't go over them.)

As I looked over that sheet I got really nervous. I didn't want to sit and talk about what I thought about that verse... just looking over it I had no idea how to answer that first question. And at first it was only me and another person in our group and that made me even more nervous because then that meant that I would have to speak... and I didn’t know what to say. Luckily two people joined us (Thank you God). They talked about that first question and I sat back and listened. I didn’t mind not talking obviously, I don't like to talk in groups but also because I didn’t know the answer to that question.

But then the second question came and I was really nervous I didn't want to talk about how the enemy was challenging me at that moment... I didn’t want to look dumb. Someone else went first and then they told me to go...I freaked out inside. I wanted to go last...I wanted to listen to everyone else talk about theirs first. But no I had to go...so I said mine. The enemy has been challenging me lately by telling me that I am too young, that I don't have enough experience, and that I don't know what I am talking about. I wanted to cry at that moment. I held back my tears as someone else went.

Every where I go, everyone that I interact with is older than me... and that is not a bad thing you can learn a lot from people who are older than you... and most of the time they are wiser than me... again you can learn a lot from them...but I think the enemy was saying that I will never know what they know, I’m not smart like them. I am too young to ever understand anything that they are talking about. I am not experienced enough to do my job.

Someone who was in my group sent me an email later that day with this verse in it:
1 Timothy 4:12
don’t let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you teach, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity.

It's funny to me because this person doesn't even really know me but they sent this verse to me and it couldn't have come at a better time. I do let people think less of me because I am young... I do let people make their stupid comments about teenagers... I do let people think that I know nothing.. All that because I listen to the lies the enemy tries to tell me. Yes I am young... yes I may not have the experience that someone who goes to school might have, but I know that I work my ass off to prove to the world that I am capable of doing this job.

I work at a church as the admin for celebrations (I think I have mentioned that before.) Before I got this job I had never done anything administrative before. I worked as an intern for two years as a creative arts intern. I went into this job knowing nothing... and on top of all that I had to follow an amazing woman who had been around for a long time and new everything. I love my job, I love organizing, I love coming up with new ways to help the team understand what’s going on, I love cleaning up after people, and I still get to be creative in this job. I couldn't think of a better job at the moment... well I can but that doesn't matter. My point is (and I am really saying this for me) I am not to young. (Donna-the lady whose place I took- is like 50! They went from a 50 year old to a 19 year old. They had to see something in a young girl like me.) I am not too young to make a difference. I am not to young!

The Wedding

Well here are some pictures from my sisters wedding. The wedding was beautiful... I am so happy for her and Keith. But my saying that whole day was, "I am glad I am not marrying that man!"

I am glad that Betsy married him...he had to find a good woman for him and I know that he found the right one. She's got to put up a lot with him...haha! I love Keith, he is my brother... but we have always had this weird kind of relationship... we love each other we hate eachother. 50% of the time we are arguing... but I think that is because we are so much alike. Here are the pictures.




Here is Betsy with the Bridesmaids: Sarah Sulek is on the right and Sara Green is on the left.



Here is Betsy with me and Sarah Sulek! Aren't we so cute! I love getting all dressed up...It's so fun. Yes I know I am very girly! :)


Here are the boys after the wedding... Chandler is on the left, then Don, then Ryan.


Here are my two beautiful sisters!!!! We are HOT!!!! :)


Here are all of us trying to take a picture of us... this was the second one and its not great but the other one we cut off Sarahs head... sorry Sarah!


Here is Betsy the morning of her wedding...improvement right? haha!




Well just wanted to show those all to you guys hope you enjoyed!

Elope

I have decided that I am going to elope.

My sister is getting married tomorrow and while I am very excited for her I have decided that I don't like big crowds so I am just going to elope. It's too crazy! Everyone wants to try and tell you what to do. They want to tell you that they know better than you. Just let the Bride do what she wants it's her wedding. Weddings are stressful. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I can't believe that my sister is getting married. She is marrying a wonderful man who loves her so much. Want to be pursued by a man? Keith and Betsy have that story. For five years he pursued her... he asked her out she turned him down... he asked her out she turned him down... he asked her out she turned him down... he asked her out she turned him down... he asked her out she turned him down. He never gave up. I saw him hurt and sad and confused but now I see that spark in his eye when he looks at her. And it amazes me how much someone can get hurt from one person and yet love her so much. August 19th they will be one and I am so happy and excited for them. They are my hero's! To Betsy who I love more than I can ever express. You are my support in every single way... Lets go to the bathroom and to Keith- man you have always been there for me and I am so excited to actually be able to call you my brother. Thank you both for showing me how to love and never give up.

I am so glad that they have found each other....maybe I will post a picture tomorrow.

My New Love

I have found my new love...:-) he made my meeting so much fun! I want one...:(
isnt he adorable?

Kalla's Korner

I don't want to write about my views on things so I made this... Check it out.

Restore

The other day my dad sent me a link to a website that sells Christian music... I was a little hesitant but my dad has a pretty good taste in music for being old... :)... So I went and downloaded a whole bunch of new songs from artist I had never heard and to my surprise I have really enjoyed them. But one song has stuck out to me.
It's a song called Restore by Grandprize.

-----------------------------------------------------------
I think about why You died
The pain You felt the hurt inside
You did it all so I could see
Just how much You love me
So why do I struggle today
To live for You in everyway?

Restore, Restore the love I had before
Restore, Restore for itÂ’s You I adore

ItÂ’s Your love and itÂ’s Your grace
That always takes me to the place
A real change within my heart
Oh how I long for a brand new start
So why do I struggle today to
Live for You in everyway?

For You redeemed my soul
You alone make me whole

Restore, Restore the love I had before
Restore, Restore my love for You Lord
Restore, Restore for itÂ’s You I adore
------------------------------------------------------

I struggle everyday to live with you in everyway. Restore restore my love for you Lord.

This past week has been filled a lot what takes hold of my life. What do I live for each day? What has my attention every single minute of every single day. What issues do I have in my life? What am I not good at. What do I do best. You know all that stuff.

There is a song called Surrender by Marc JamA lotAlot of you have probably heard it. "And I Surrender all to you all you..." Everytime I hear that song or I sing that song I feel bad. Because everytime I sing that song I tell myself, I tell God, "I surrender everything to you...my relationships, my friends, my job, my family, my dreams, my life." That is a great thing that I can surrender everything to God, that'shats the thing...I don't. The next time I hear that song I get the same feeling and I say the same prayer. And I am and was sick of that.

I am a very visual person. I like when speakers demonstrationions or movie clips. It helps me to relate or understand. So the other day I made a decision. I want to lay everything tIat i struggle with down at God's feet... I want it out of my hands... I want to quit holding on to things that don't matter... I want to start living everyday for him with everything that I have. I don't know about you but sometimes just saying things for me doesnecessarilyarly mean anything. I knew that if I really wanted to give all this stuff to God that I was going to have to do something. So I wrote down all my struggles on a sheet of paperOne one struggle on each sheet. I then went outside and burned each sheet. Before I burned a sheet I would pray about that struggle and why is has been a struggle for me. On each sheet I wrote "I am letting go of:" and as I burned the paper I would say "I am letting go of..." Yes it was a simple act but to me it was a hugh act. I haven't felt this weightless in a really really long time.

I am not saying that I won't struggle with any of those things ever again but what I am saying is that I am not going to hold on to any of those struggles anymore. I think that when we hold on to our struggles or junk we don't allow God to work in our lives. When we are free of all that junk we allow God to do so much more in our lives. We (I know I am) are more aware of what God is doing in and around me.

Father restore my heart for you.
Restore my life.
Father help me to continue to lay down everything at your feet.

I will breastfeed in public...

So the other night after dinner we had a very interesting conversation in the Riddle house about breastfeeding and breastfeeding in public. So I wanted to research a little and give EVERYONE and insite on breastfeeding.

Here is what I think...
I think every woman has the right to breastfeed in public. I think it is a natural and healthy way for a baby to eat. I mean would you rather a baby cry at the top of its lungs or be breastfed? I know that when I have kids I am going to breastfeed in public. I think that you can be polite about it and cover yourself up. I know that some women just sit down pull their boob out and feed (I don't really see anything wrong with that...Again a natural thing...) but at the same time I think that in a public place is the wrong time to pull your boob out... So women if you are out there and reading this Please be respectful of the people around you. They may feel very uncomfortable. And men if you are reading this Please be respectful that women feel uncomfortable doing this but it is a healthy choice that we have made for our child. As mothers we want to give our child the best that we can give them. And breastfeeding a child is the best.
For me breastfeeding your child is more than just feeding them. It is 20-30 minutes of quality time with your child...bonding time. And why do so many people make a big deal about it when God created this natural thing?

Here is what the world may say...
The idea of breastfeeding in public makes a lot of people uneasy...(some of my roommates). People ask why can't they just stay home or why can't they go to the bathroom or why can't they give the child a bottle?
Okay one do you not want your wife to not have a life? And two name one woman's bathroom that has a place to sit comfortably and feed your child? and three pumping or making a bottle take more time then breastfeeding and its not healthy. Here is an article that I read about breastfeeding from www.lalecheleague.org:

Breastfeeding in public matters because hungry babies aren't very patient and it's hard to be a parent without leaving home. Once the early weeks have passed and a mother has resumed activities outside her home, finding a truly private place to breastfeed her baby can be difficult, if not impossible. Beyond practical considerations, many women make a philosophical choice about breastfeeding in public because they feel it is the most effective and natural way to meet their babies' needs. Breastfeeding doesn't stop being best for babies and mothers just because other people are present, and mothers want to continue to give their babies (and themselves) the best...
...Offering breast milk in a bottle is often suggested when the debate on breastfeeding in public hits television or radio talk shows. But that option offers problems for the mother and baby that may be overlooked by the general public. First, it takes extra time and care to pump, store, and transport milk - time that may be precious, particularly in the early weeks and months. Babies receive fewer of the benefits of breastfeeding when they receive human milk that is not fresh from the source. They also run the risk of developing nipple confusion - having trouble switching back and forth between breast and bottle. Mothers run a higher risk of developing a plugged duct or breast infection because of the delay between feedings at the breast, particularly in the early months. A mother who skips feedings will probably be very uncomfortable from full breasts. If she is unable to pump her breasts, her supply will probably decrease slightly. So she'll still be experiencing the consequences the next day, when her baby nurses more frequently to replenish her supply. She also loses the convenience of being able to soothe her baby quickly and easily while she is out. She may even run out of milk in bottles before she finishes her errands.
All of the challenges of offering human milk in a bottle while in a public place can be overcome. But the bottom line is that many women find it easier, healthier, more economical, more ecologically sound, and more relaxing to fit breastfeeding in with all their daily activities than it is to fit occasional bottle-feeding in with their breastfeeding...
Another often suggested strategy for breastfeeding your baby when you are out is to take him to the restroom or toilet facility to feed him. However, no one would suggest that an adult eat his or her lunch in a public toilet.

Did you know that many woman are being told everyday that they can not breastfeed their child in public places? Woman are being told that they should go to a more "public place."Here is another article I read about women's rights to breastfeed in public:

The good news about breastfeeding in public is that in the United States, women are gaining more breastfeeding rights. In 1998, U.S. Rep. Carolyn Maloney (a Democrat from New York) introduced legislation (The Right to Breastfeed Act, H.R. 1848) to protect a woman's right to breastfeed on federal property where she and her child have a right to be. The bill was signed into law on Sept. 28, 1999 when President Clinton signed the Treasury Postal Appropriations bill, which included Rep. Maloney's Right to Breastfeed Act.

So those are some of my thoughts on breastfeeding. The next time someone says anything about women not being able to breastfeed in public...or why can't they go to the bathroom...or use a bottle...or anything...I am gonna say why don't you go eat your dinner in the bathroom?

Why can't I be satisfied?

Do you ever know something in your head but never put it in your heart?
I had a friend recently tell me that I should really find out why I like this guy...What is it about him that I like? Do I just like the idea of him? Really find out what is all about? (My friend didn't say all that but that's how I understood it) Now when this friend told me this I was mad. I didn't need someone else to tell me something that I already knew. I didn't need to be reminded of it. But as I thought about it more last night and this morning I realized that is exactly what I needed. I thought that I had everything under control. I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought I knew how to handle it. Obviously I was wrong. Sometimes for me I know what is right and what I should do but that's it. I never put it to practice. I just let it sit in my head and I think about it all the time. I think about the good stuff and the bad stuff.
See when my friend asked me that I knew the answer already...I just didn't want to accept that that could be true in my life again. I know that the one thing I want is to be completely satisfied with God. And I know that...But again I don't always put in to practice...I described it to myself like this. It's like God is the best candy in the world and its the only thing that fills you up. It always sits there just waiting for you. Occasionally I might grab a piece and sometimes I grab a lot of pieces, but sometimes I don't grab any pieces because I think I have found better candy. Sometimes it will make me full for a moment and sometimes it doesn't make me full at all. And I will eat all that candy until its all gone and then I am craving candy. So what do I do...I go back to eating the best candy in the world. But I don't want to eat it when I am starving I want to always eat it.
See I know that I try to fill that emptiness with boys instead of God. But again sometimes I know. I normally realize that I do it and not do anything about it. But I am sick of that. I am sick of being in this place all the time. If I know why don't I do anything about it? I know that everything I am looking for in men is already in God! So again why can't I just be satisfied with God? If God is the one thing I want why can't I just be with him? Why is that such a hard thing for me to do? How do you even do it? How do I be completely satisfied with God? I want to!!!!!!
I am tired of always coming back to this with God. I am tired of this being the one thing that I always talk to him about. I want God to be the one and only thing that I desire!!!! I am so tired of trying to fill an emptiness that I know where to fill it with. But why is it so hard? Why do I struggle with this all the time? Why do I try to find wholeness in men?

Naked

Naked hot sauce...yum!

So a couple weeks ago we took a little trip to Jungle Jim's. It was very fun and we (well Two) found this hot sauce. So I decided to take a picture of it because it was so funny. But everytime i see it it makes me want to go buy it... just because it is so funny! The one is a man and woman doing something and then on the left there is a man and you can't really see the woman on the right... but i have another one lets see if you can see that one better... no you can't really see it so it's not worth posting... but isn't that great! Jungle Jim's is very educational. HAHA!! Looks tasty...YUM!!!!

Transformation

trans·for·ma·tion n.
The act or an instance of transforming.
The state of being transformed.
A marked change, as in appearance or character, usually for the better

God transform me into who I am supposed to be. How do I know if I am who I am supposed to be right now? What if I am not who I am supposed to be? What if I am who I am supposed to be?

Everything in this world transforms. Flowers transform, roads transform, food transforms. Everyday we become older...slowly but surely! (Some get older quicker than others…:)) We can transform on the outside or we can transform on the inside. I think I would rather transform on the inside. But what takes us so long to transform? I think we as humans are very stubborn- we don’t want to hear what other people might have to say- we want to do things our own way (stubborn). I think when we stop being caught up in ourselves and more focused on others we began to see God more. And as a result we begin to see ourselves.

Sometimes I think that I have to do something so big to make a difference in this world or to feel like I am following God's plan for my life. Sometimes I think if only I could speak in front of people maybe I would be something or what if I was in a high position at work then I would be someone and maybe I could make a difference. Recently I had to fill out this Spiritual Assessment for my job. It's kinda dumb- they just ask when you became a Christians.....things like that. But one of the questions was asking what I thought about this saying:
Small things done with great love will change the world.

Here is what I wrote:
“Small things done with great love will change the world.” It’s pretty amazing if you actually think about it. I mean we hear that phrase all the time, but just think about it… I don’t have to be Dave Workman to make a difference in this world. I don’t have to be Robbie Reider. I don’t have to be anything fancy to make a difference, I can go buy someone dinner in a Drive-thru or buy someone a drink at Starbucks and I can be making a difference.

Why do so many of us want to be Dave Workman’s or Robbie Reiders. I can tell you one thing...I was not created to be a Dave or Robbie and I am perfectly okay with that. I don't think that it's finding out Who I am supposed to be but it's being content with who I am and who God has created me to be. I think when I first wrote that prayer I was expecting God to make me into a Dave or a Robbie. But that’s not what I want and that's not who I am. I am not a public speaker and I was not gifted to lead worship.

I am Kalla Green who works at Vineyard Community Church as an Admin for Celebrations. I live in Cincinnati in the "Riddle house." I have a wonderful immediate family and "family" I have friends that I trust and love so much. I know that my life is completely devoted to God. I am in love with a little boy named Mac (who makes me smile everyday!) That’s just part of me. But that’s me. And I am okay with that. I love my job, I love my house, I love my family…what else could I want?

God transform me into who are…let my life reflect you. Don’t let me get in the way of You.

Image of God

Do you ever feel like you have nothing to offer? Do you ever feel like nobody loves you? Do you ever wonder what the hell am I here for? Well I don't know about you but I think about those things all the time. I feel like I am just wasting space here. I am not someone that is perfect so what's the purpose of me being here. What do I do everyday that makes a difference? How about love? I constantly feel like I give more than I receive. How do you just keep giving and giving? Isn't there a time when your giving just runs out? Where do you fill up? I don't mind giving...I actually love to give...But there are times when I am just like screw it Where's mine? Why do I have to keep giving? What the hell is in it for me?

I am a giver. I love to give. I love to do things for people without them knowing...I love to do things for people when they know. It's part of who I am. But recently I have been tired of it. Why am I tired of giving when I love to do it? When its part of who I am?

Last night I was thinking about this because it was really bothering me and I realized that in the past couple of days I haven't spent much time with God. I mean I talked to him here and there but actually sitting down and spending some one and one time with him, I hadn't done in a couple of days. And I think that my giving comes from God. I think that if God wasn't in my life I wouldn't be a giver. I would be a selfish receiver. I think God makes us who we are (obviously). No but I being serious in God makes us like himself. He creates us to be images of him. My image is giving. I can't think of a time when God was all about himself. He let his Son die on the cross for us!!! Who in the world would do that for you? I don't know if I could let my son (if I had one) die on the cross for other people. There is nothing that God wouldn't give me (I am being reasonable here.) He has given me everything I need...A place to live...A job...Clothes to wear...Friends...A car. He has provided me with all I need.

So how are you an image of God?

Feeling Good

Have you ever used someone to make yourself feel better? Have you ever done something to make yourself feel better? And I don’t mean used on purpose. I think I use guys a lot to make myself feel prettier, to make me feel that I am worth something, to have those butterflies in your stomach every time you think about him, to make me think that I better than other people because I like this guy. I think that I have used friends to become friends with someone else. I thought if I hung out with Sarah (I just made that name up) then maybe Jessica will think that I was cool and want to be my friend. I think I have also used friends to get away from home at time- you know?
I think I also do certain things to make me feel good about myself. Now I love to sit on our roof on a hot day (it doesn’t even have to be a hot day) and tan- there are two reasons why I do it: One because when I am tan I feel so much more confident in myself, I can wear skirts because my legs aren’t white and I can wear tank tops because I want to show how good I look. Two- because when I am up there the world doesn’t matter. For 40 minutes I don’t have to think of anyone but me, heck I don’t even have to think about me.
I also buy name brand clothes because I want to “fit in.” I want everyone to think that I am cool because I can buy nice clothes. Or I work out because everyone else around me looks good and I want to look good so I work out to make myself feel better. Or you buy a “cooler” cell phone because yours is like two years old and it’s just not cool anymore so you have to buy a really nice one so everyone will check it out and be jealous.
The thing is we all do different sorts of things to make us “feel good”. But I don’t believe that any of those things makes us happy. I know for me it doesn’t. It’s a temporary fix. It last for a moment and then goes away and the cycle starts all over again. I know I can do all those things and have everyone love me but there would still be something missing. I would still go out and find another thing that made me happy just trying to fill that emptiness inside.
But here’s the great thing…you ready… the thing you are searching for or maybe just me is right in front of my face. God! The thing that is going to make me feel truly good about myself and not leave an empty space is God. And I know that sounds so easy. “Yeah, just turn to God and your emptiness will go away”, but it ain’t like that. I have to remind myself all the time that I can only find true fulfill ness in God. I have to remind myself that I have found something truly amazing with God. I have to remind myself that my life without God is a complete hell! I have to remind myself that I have to work at it. It’s not something that is just going to happen. I can’t ask God to fulfill all my needs and that’s it. I have to work at it just as much as he does. I know that when I am spending time with God I feel complete, I feel full and happy. And I know that when I am not spending quality time with him that I feel empty and crazy.
I hope that you all can find true happiness and fulfillment in God.

How do I trust?

Trust. What is it? I don't know what trust is and I don't know what it looks like.
If you are a women and you are ready this I am sorry if I might offend you but this is what I think so get over it. :)
I think women are bitches! (I am not saying this because some woman was mean to me..I am saying this because it has been my observation) They are mean and back stabbers and rude and always want things their way. They always gossip. (and if you say "I don't I don't"...You do...We all do!) I think there is always competition when I am around women. And even if you don't say that you are better than other women, you always think it. I don't know why she is wearing those shoes, why didn't anyone ever tell her that makes her look fat? Or why is he with her she is so ugly? You may not say those things but you say things along those lines. Hurtful things behind there backs.
And you wonder why I don't trust women? I have only trusted a couple women in my life and I am so thankful for them. All of them have left some impact on my life and I love each one of them because of it!
Now I am not about to blame this on my mom but I do think alot of this has to do with not having a good relationship with my mom. And I can say that I am to blame for it too. I never stepped up and tried to have a mother-daughter relationship with her. I remember when I was younger and I would always hang out at my best friends house, her mom was so cool. She would always talk about her and her mom going out to the mall together, always having deep conversations and I always remember wishing that my mom was like that. I would pray "God please let me and my mom be closer let us be able to hang out and talk like Krista (that was my best friend) and her mom." I remember calling my mom names numerous times while I was writing in my journal. I was never close to my mom and I don't know if thats because she never took the time to be a friend or if she was just too busy with other things either way I was her daughter and she should have made an effort to be my friend.
I know I think every woman is going to be like my mom, but what I have realized by these few women that I do trust is that not every woman is mean or rude or a bitch. The thing is when ever you get around a woman they always want to talk about deep stuff and I am just not that type of girl. It takes me a long time to trust you and I am only going to trust you if I like you and I am only going to like you if you aren't a bitch. For me first impressions are everything. If i don't like you when I first meet you chances are I won't ever like you. I like to say that my guard is up very high!!! And I am not proud to say that. I wish that I could trust people because I think it would be very good for me but how do I do that? How do I drop my guard without being hurt? I guess its a risk I have to take. I am taking a risk in getting hurt but I would rather take a risk to get to know someone then sit back and maybe miss out on a great person.
So i guess what I am trying to say is that I don't trust people. And that makes me sad. But you know the hard part is that when you don't trust anyone how do you expect to trust God? I don't know how to trust anyone and I don't know especially how to trust God? If I can't trust people how do I expect to trust God, someone that I can't see or hear or touch? Its a big struggle for me everyday. To trust that God has everything under his control, to trust that God is with me, to trust that God listens to me. But like I said in a previous post: if I have to struggle to learn some hard things that's okay with me and I think in the end it will all be worth it.

God help me to Trust you. Help me to trust others. Show me how to trust.