Regret

The definition of regret

–verb (used with object)

1. to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.): He no sooner spoke than he regretted it.

2. to think of with a sense of loss: to regret one's vanished youth.

–noun

3. a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.

4. a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc.

5. regrets, a polite, usually formal refusal of an invitation: I sent her my regrets.

6. a note expressing regret at one's inability to accept an invitation: I have had four acceptances and one regret.

Regret normally follows the thoughts of what did I do that, what am I so ashamed of, what are those things I wish I could take back, what do I wish no one new about me?

I have heard the term regret a lot lately and it got me thinking about what I regret. And I can’t come to think of anything. Now you might say, “Wait there is NOTHING in your life that you “regret”? And I would have to say no. Don’t get me wrong I have done stupid things a long with some stuff I am not happy about but I would never say that I regret those things. Those things that I have done (right or wrong) have made me who I am today. No I’m not proud of them but every situation taught me something different.

I’m not that type of person that can be told not to do something and I don’t do it. I am probably the complete opposite and would do it just to find out for my self. But that’s me (and my son… ugh!) and that’s they way I’ve been since I was wee little. And yes it did get me into trouble a lot and sometimes I learned from my mistakes and sometimes I just repeated them.

I tend to think people regret relationship decision the most. But I can’t say that either. I have to look at the good that it gave me rather than the hurt. Everything in our lives happens for a reason whether we are doing the right thing or not. And we might have consequences from our decision but those were the decision we made and those consequences shape who we are.

I am who I am today because of right and wrong I have done in my life. I am who I am today because of my mistakes and I am okay with saying that. But I also am who I am today because out of those mistakes I had consequences. I would not be who I am today if I regretted everything wrong I have done in my life. I’m sure if I regretted everything in my life I would just be the same old person.

So what do you regret (if anything)??

There Will Be A Day

“There will be a day with no more tears and no more pain.” Jeremy Camp sings that in one of his songs called There Will Be A Day. I first heard this song about a month before my Mimi (grandma) passed away. She had recently gone in the hospital for a cough that was really fluid on her lungs. The only part that I acutally really heard of the song was “there will be a day with no more tears and no more pain.”

Mimi was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 2008. Right away they did a full histarectomy and shorty after that she had several rounds of chemotheropy. During surgery they realized it was a lot worse than what they had imagined. But they couldn’t tell anyone if it had spread or not.

In June 2009 they found a spot on her lung. They immediately started chemo again. But this time was different. She didn’t come back as fast. She was more sick every day. She had a cough for a while before she did anything about it and when she did they found fluid on her lungs . She was then admitted to the hospital where they had to give her plasma (she had been on a blood thinner due to clots) to thicken up her blood so they could drain the fluid off her lungs. I wasn’t there that night but from what I hear it got pretty scary. She said that night that she didn’t want to die. She wanted to fight this. But it didn’t last long after that.

I tried to visit my Mimi as often as I often as I could. During the last month of her life I barely said a word to her but that didn’t matter to me. I slowly show my Mimi go down hill. A woman who was always full of spunk she laid in bed not eating or drinking much during that month. I also saw this just crumble my Papa (grandpa). He sat by her side every day in the quiet, dark room because the noise and lights bothered Mimi. Sure he got frustrated his wife of 40+ years was not the same person she was 2 years ago.

I will always remember the first times she got to hold my babies. The way her face would glow with excitment as she held her great grand children. She would touch every part of there face and tell them how beautiful they were. I even remember her telling Caidan how beautiful he was (even though he was a boy) and she always said. “You can still be beautiful and a boy!”

My Mimi was the best Grandma in the world. Now if you would have asked me when I was younger I probably would have said something different. But after getting to know her I knew she was a special person. Of course we all knew she had her opinions and sometimes she got a little fiesty but through everything I think I can say that she was one of the best wives, moms, Mimi, and great-Mimi's there were.

In September of 2010 she died from an infection and cancer. I didn’t realize how truly difficult for me it would be and to be quite honest I still can’t grasp it. I thought about taking something over to my grandpa the other day with the kids but then I thought what would Caidan think… would he ask about Mimi? And then what do I say? Personally I don’t have the strength to tell him yet… I’m sure he doesn’t remember her all that much but then again how do I know?

I know that I have been depressed over this since she died. I stopped doing things I loved… I hardly left the house some days. I miss not being able to pick up the phone to call her for one simple thing and be on the phone with her for hours! I miss the way she laughed all the time with my kids. I miss her advice on mothering. I miss everything about her!

It will be six months that she’s been gone at the end of the month and I can’t believe it one bit!

Mimi,

You are truly missed by many… and will always be. I hope life is great up there and I can’t wait for the day that we can all laugh together FOREVER! LOVE YOU!

Bankruptcy

Bankruptcy can be a scary word for most people or a lot of people but for me I have learned to thank it. Last year was a rough year for us. It started off bad and it just continued to be bad. Though we found joy at times it was also a very unsure season for us.

We filed for bankruptcy last summer (2009). We knew that we had been struggling for a while paying bills and paying our mortgage. Every penny we had coming in was going out to pay for bills. We went to a debt counselor who only told us there was nothing they could do for us. Do you know how frustrating that is? To ask for help for something that is already embarrassing and then to be told “Sorry but there is nothing we can do to help you.” It was devastating. After meeting with the debt counselor we tried our hardest to do whatever we could but it looked like the bills and mortgage were getting the best of us.

With a lot of prayer and guidance from family and friends we made the decision to file for bankruptcy. Our thoughts at first were to file Chapter 13 (which is the pay back program) but after talking with the lawyers we decided that that was not an option for us.

Before meeting with the lawyer I had read as much as I could on bankruptcy just so I could better understand it. I had visited Dave Ramsey’s site and for him Bankruptcy was a horrible situation. And to be honest I was scared out of my mind. I didn’t know what to expect but I also knew living the way that we were living was not possible anymore. Not knowing if there was going to be money for food not knowing if the house payment was going to get paid or when all the bills were getting paid and if something had seriously gone wrong with either of us we didn’t have money put aside for it. We were living pay check to pay check.

What do we do about the house??? That was the big one. We had been struggling to pay our mortgage for over a year at that point. Since Chris bought the house brand new the taxes for the house and property were not figured out. So every year for the last 4 years our mortgage has gone up A LOT! We were aware that it was going to go up but the amount that it went up was way more than anyone could have thought. And there was no way we were going to be able to save it. We knew from then that we would lose the house.

Our bankruptcy was final in November and we haven’t even begun anything with the house yet. But where we are right now compared to last year is much better. Yes there are a lot of unknowns. We don’t know how much longer we have in the house. We aren’t really for sure on where we are going to live after here. But all we know is that we are doing the right thing for our family.

The reason the word “bankruptcy” doesn’t scare me and I thank it is because it has opened so many doors that I don’t know I would have seen if we were still where we were last year. Last year I was looking for a job nonstop to try to help support my family but at the same time I still had to think about my kids. Who would watch them when Chris wasn’t working? Would an employer be willing to work around Chris’ schedule so then we wouldn’t need a sitter? But nobody ever contacted me back. And in all honesty I was okay with that. I did not want someone else to take care of my kids. Yes that means a lot of sacrifice has to be made but we were also okay with that. We cut out all the unnecessary things which only really left us with the basics. You want to know a surprise- we survived. I have learned that shopping on a budget for us is very doable. I get groceries for $50 a week for us (right now that doesn’t include diapers or the kid’s milk-they drink soy milk and it’s about $20-$30 a week). I have started to make a lot of our foods or I should say trying. I love to cook/bake. It is so much fun for me. So making things from scratch is not only fun but cheaper and healthier.

I’m not a big goal person but I do know that in 2010 I want us to be more financially fit. And I am not really sure what that means but I am sure I will find out.

So here is a little piece of advice if you are struggling with your finances... get help right away. It’s okay to get help and its best to get help right away.

Too Long!

Its been  a long time...

Well not much as gone on... But at the same time a lot is going on. Right now our family is going through a lot (I should just say Chris and I because Caidan and Kloe have no idea). I'm not going to go into details because I simply don't think I can handle it much more. We are trying to make the best decisions for our family! But just keep praying for us.

Caidan will be 2 on the 18th and I can hardly believe it. I was looking at pictures from is 1st birthday and how little he looks and how big he is now. He is sweet and loud and stubborn and persistent he's a lot more but my point is HE'S GOING TO BE 2! There is no way that I would ever trade these two years in my whole entire life. He is defiantly going through the "terrible twos" (which to me doesn't even being to describe it). He loves Fire trucks to death! But he only calls them FIYA! Every once in a while we might get a FIYA TUCK but very very rarely. He doesn't talk that much really... which is okay with me because that just means I have a little bit more peace for just a little longer. I have a feeling that when he starts to "really" talk then Kloe will beginning to speak and then its all over. Its funny to see how much he has grown up.

Kloe well she's just Kloe. She has her own little mind. She wants what she wants when she wants it. She is totally a fit thrower. She already can throw a MAJOR tantrum (I know she's only 10 months see what I mean). Caidan needs to watch out for her because I believe that she is keeping tabs of all the times he has done something to her and when she can give it back to him she's going to lay it down! She is crawling (we should say army crawling) and sitting up. She is a teeny tiny little thing. At 9 months she weighed 16lbs. But I believe she is starting to gain more weight as she is eating a lot more and eating table food. SHE LOVES TO FEED HERSELF! and she always loves what I am eating of course. Sometimes I don't even know why i bother making them anything because they ALWAYS eat my food. She also says DADA! If you tell her to say MAMA she goes DADA! How come MAMA has done everything for her and all she wants to say is DADA! (now you know how I feel about that). She did give DADA a kiss the other day and it was the most precious thing ever! She doesn't really do it for me but of courseshe always does it for DADA!

Don't let that face fool you he is 100% ROTTEN!

That face can fool you though because she is so CUTE!

The weekend!

Kloe and I were supposed to spend the weekend in Cincinnati but someone got sick and we didn't get the chance. Lucky for me though Sara is flying in tomorrow to spend 10 WHOLE days with ME and the kids... oh and Chris). But we had a good weekend as a family.

I went garage sale shopping with our neighbor and Chris went fishing and I got the house to myself for a couple hours I was cleaning but I still had no one else her and that was EXCITING!

Last week we built a flower box/garden thing.

We have all the stuff to start our garden too... that is the next thing to build. But we have to wait for the fence to go up.... that is also exciting. Oh I can't wait.

Here are some pics of the kiddos today!

Can you tell Caidan likes POP?
Yeah don't try to take it away from him because he throws a fit!
haha!

Here is Sissy girl her self... She is wonderful and beautiful all the same. I have to say that it has taken my time to enjoy her. It was a tough start and a lot all at one time but she is becoming a wonderful little girl. she is a mommies girl. She does not like anyone else to hold her except her mommy. She is finally starting to love her Daddy she melts when he walks in the room... even if he doesn't say anything to her her eyes get so big (not that they aren't already) and she lights up! Caidan and her have a bond that I will never understand and will most defiantly get them in trouble together. Even though some days can get tough she is the most precious thing ever.
I love her more than I could ever tell you.

Here's some pics for everyone to enjoy. We kind of had a big week... caidan decided he was going to climb out of his crib... so to a BIG BOY bed we went... I will try to take a picture soon. (its a firetruck) Kloe is learning to sit up... oh she is growing up and I think i am ready for it... maybe!

Look at her she looks SO BIG but she is a peanut! hehe!

She loves her mommy... she always cries when she see me.

This is what happens when brother tries to feed her... he tries to feed her all the time and today he actually did. And then he gave her the rest of the jar... I bet you can tell what happened to it.

He's my little Man!

MY KIDDOS! Its not the best picture but it was the only "good" one I got! He doesn't like sharing the camera with his sister. She just as cute as you dude so you better get used to it.

Caidan and Bitty LOVE to take baths together... don't ask me why but when he is in she whines and YELPS and Caidan tries to grab her collar and pull her in (she's to fat to just jump in)

WE LOVE EACH OTHER!!!!!

Big Day Yesterday

Yesterday was a big day for my little girl. She got her tubes put in her ears and she ROLLED OVER (both ways)! She is my trooper! The surgery was nothing it took about ten minutes and she was back. You wouldn't have even know all day that she had surgery. And she has been working on rolling over for it feels like months but probably more like weeks and yesterday she did it. Here are some pics....

She is precious!!!!!

This is what she does right before she rolls over... 

And more getting ready!!!! :)

Oh and we can't forget this cute little boy!!!!

(I can't take credit for the picture that was Sara of course but I can take credit for the editing! :)